Complications
by Mindylynne
Summary: Erin and Jay are a great place in their relationship, but when complications arise, will they survive?
1. Chapter 1

"Eww! You cannot be considering this place." Erin perused the pictures of the latest condo that Jay was looking at. She inwardly cringed at the dingy looking rooms and dated decor. She kept swiping at the pictures displayed on the phone, hoping for some redeeming quality. She couldn't even hide the grimace when she saw the kitchen. Dropping the phone back into his hand, she gave him a disgusted look "That place is worse than your current apartment."

"Hey, it's close to the station. I'd practically be able to walk to work." Jay countered.

"And that's a good thing?" Erin leveled him with a look. "I can guarantee I will NEVER spend the night in this place."

Jay's mouth dropped open in mock outrage. "Well, maybe you just won't be invited anyways."

Erin just rolled her eyes and laughed her eyes returning to the sidewalk. They sat in their car across from the front of a strip mall, waiting to talk to the brother of their suspect. Jay had been looking at apartments and condos for what seemed like five or six months. Erin was concerned for him. As a "function over form" guy, he seemed easily swayed by one characteristic of a place without paying any attention to the other attributes. One place might be in a great location, but it was about the same square footage as Erin's bathroom. Another place was huge and spacious, but was located in a neighborhood, that even Jay should have felt nervous about stepping foot in. He'd yet to find anything that might meet Erin's high standards.

Erin snuck a quick glance over at her partner as he surveyed the people coming and going from the electronics repair store that the suspect's brother worked and was expected to show up at in the next half hour. A smile flitted across her face as she looked at him. She couldn't help it. He had been her rock this summer. While they had dealt with the fallout of Justin's murder and the accusations against Voight, he had been her steady base. Every time she thought she just might fall off the deep end or collapse under the stress of it all, he had been there. Sometimes just being by her side holding her hand, and sometimes following her lead as they made sure everything shook out as it was supposed to.

Shaking her head, she realized he'd been her rock longer than that. Truthfully, since their partnership began, he'd always been there by her side when she'd let him. Even when she'd pushed him away, he'd never really gone far. A smile crossed her features. Ever since they'd gotten back together last year, things had been pretty great. For the first time in her life, she actually felt like things were going the way they should go. She was in a healthy, normal relationship, and it was wonderful.

"Why are you smiling?" Jay's voice broke into her thoughts.

Guiltily, she looked back over at him. He was staring at her quizzically. "Nothing," she quickly replied.

Jay poked her in the shoulder. "Not buying it. Tell me why you are smiling." He had his own grin on his face.

Erin just shook her head and gestured towards the store. "Watch the door," she said with a laugh, embarrassed at being caught in lovey dovey land.

"I was," Jay insisted. "You were the one who was busy checking me out and likin' what you were seein'." He teased. Erin ignored the comment and tried to refocus her attention on their job. Erin knew he loved seeing the slight blush of embarrassment that creeped up on her. The teasing comradery was one of her favorite parts of their relationship. Being quick witted and sarcastic, she'd always been able to joke and keep up with the guys. Working in male dominated field, she'd had to be able to take what the guys put out and dish it up just as hard. With Jay though, it was different. He teased and flirted with her constantly. Even after all this time, it still got her. The butterflies in her stomach when he directed his attention towards her. Not to mention that he seemed to always be inside her head. It often unnerved her that he seemed so in tune with her needs and wants. Sometimes things she wasn't even aware she needed.

Erin dropped her head back on the headrest. God, she loved him. She risked another glance over at him. He had redirected his attention back on the store entrance, but still had a smile playing across his lips.

Suddenly the grin dropped from his face, "There's our guy." Instantly they were on the job. Erin slipped as quickly out of the car and followed Jay across the road. Something, Erin was proud of. No matter their status, the job always came first during work hours. Their work partnership was just as strong as their private relationship.

A half hour later, they were back in their car and on their way to the back to the precinct with no leads. Jay was busy on his phone, replying to some messages she had noticed he had received while they were interviewing the brother. Erin looked over curiously. Usually he narrated as he texted, an annoying habit, but one she was used to. Right now though, he was silent as his fingers responded to whomever had been sending him messages.

Noticing her interest, he clicked the phone off and slid it into his pocket. Erin furrowed her brow in concern. Jay didn't usually get weird about stuff like that. She wondered what was up, but didn't want to question him. He'd never given her any reason to question him, and Erin didn't want to start being the insecure girlfriend now. She let her eyes focus on the road as they returned.

Jay spoke up, "Do you think that we will really be off tomorrow?"

Erin shrugged, "Maybe. This case seems pretty dead. Unless something comes up, I think we will actually get the full weekend." She darted him a quick look, "You got plans?" She tried to keep the tone light. Her mind on the mystery texts.

Jay just hummed a noncommittal response.

Erin thrummed her fingers on the steering wheel, trying not to show her emotions. Having a free weekend was so rare in their jobs. Usually if it was even a possibility, they would discuss all the different options. Hitting up new restaurants, checking out the local music scene, and every once in a while sneaking out of town for a quick escape. Jay's lack of enthusiasm unnerved her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him staring absentmindedly out the window. Erin's confusion was starting to get to her. She tried to think of how to bring it up.

All of the sudden, he spun to look at her. "I know we are off tomorrow, but would you come and look at a few places with me. My agent has a found a few new places he wants me to check out."

Erin let out a breath, as she realized what was weighing on his mind. "Yeah, sure. I didn't realize you had an agent. I thought you were just browsing around."

Jay said, "Well, it's been months. If I am going to do this, I need help. The places online all are deceptive. None of them look like they appear in the picture."

Erin laughed, "So that dump you showed me earlier, actually could look worse in person."

Jay joined in the laughter. "Yeah, my agent didn't approve of that one either."

Erin nodded, "Yeah, I'll go with you. Since I have such good taste and yours is questionable."

"Hey, I chose you. I think that shows pretty good taste."

Erin pulled up to the station and turned off the car. She shifted to face him, and could help but smile at the boyish grin on his face. "It does show you knew a good thing when you saw it. It just took you a year to figure it out. Maybe you have delayed senses or something?" She teased.

Jay shook his head, "No way. I knew you were the real thing immediately. You were the one who wasn't sure. Maybe I should be questioning your taste."

Erin grew slightly serious for a moment, she leaned forward and looked into his clear blue eyes. "I knew. I always knew." She leaned in and brushed her lips against his. Jay quickly responded, slightly surprised as Erin usually didn't show any PDA when they were at work. The kiss was over too soon in Jay's mind, but he couldn't help but grin at her. Erin pulled back a bit, smile on her face, too. "I love you." She quietly spoke in the space between them.

It always made Jay smile when she said it first. "I love you, too."

Eyes dancing, Erin dropped back into her seat and pulled the keys out of the ignition. "Let's get out of here. Put this case to bed, so we can actually enjoy our weekend." They walked into the precinct and up the stairs, bumping shoulders as they went. Erin couldn't shake the smile from her lips. Life was just so perfect right now. She couldn't imagine anything could disrupt their happiness.

 **Author's Note: Hey, Readers! I have had writer's block all summer long. I started a few different stories, but couldn't get on board with any of them. Got this idea the other day, and finally got the writing juices flowing. Hope you all enjoyed this first chapter. Please review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

"It's definitely an up and coming neighborhood. If you buy now, your property would probably double in the next three years. You'd be able make a ton of profit if you wanted to sell down the road for something bigger."

Erin listened to the real estate agent prattle on about the fourth property that he'd shown them today. Jay and the agent were ahead of her by half flight of stairs as they hiked up to the fourth floor. She wasn't sure she was buying into the bright, profitable future that this guy saw in this place. Erin thought the neighborhood was a dump. She knew that Jay wasn't too discerning about that kind of stuff. She hoped that the apartment was at least halfway decent.

The agent already had the door open by the time she rounded the corner on the fourth floor. Jay looked at her expectantly.

"Fourth floor. No elevator." Erin said dryly.

Jay smirked, "Daily cardio workout." He gestured for her to precede him into the apartment.

There was a dark hallway that opened up into a small sized room that was half living room half kitchen. She saw a door off to the side that she assumed was the bedroom. She thought if she stretched out on the floor (not that she'd be willing to lay down on that carpet), she'd be able to touch both sides of the room.

"It's an open floor plan, which is great for entertaining. When you are cooking, you can still converse with your guests," the agent droned on.

Erin raised her eyebrows at Jay. _Guests_? _Entertaining_? You could maybe fit four people in the room before it'd feel claustrophobic. Even with the three of them and no furniture, it felt cramped. Erin walked over to the window and looked out at the view…of an alley…where she swore she saw a drug deal going down.

Jay stepped up and glanced over her shoulder, noticing the possible crime occurring, too.

Erin whispered, "You might end up having to arrest a few of your neighbors."

Jay just chuckled. He spun around and looked at the real estate agent, "Let's see the bedroom?"

They followed him to the closed door. He opened it and the trio stepped through. Erin was pleasantly surprised. It was a large room with tons of space. She nodded appreciatively at the walk in closest the agent was raving about. Jay and the guy were discussing the bathroom furnishings, so Erin walked over to the window. She pulled back the drapes and was rewarded with a view of a brick wall. Nice.

Letting out a dejected sigh, she wandered back out to the living room and leaned against the entry way hall. Even with the large bedroom, there wasn't enough here to capture Erin's interest. It was another 'No' in Erin's book. Then again, they'd all been in that category for her. Erin stuck her hands into her jacket pockets and felt for the small metal object she had hidden in the right pocket. She fingered the object nervously, not pulling it out. Last night, after Jay had shown her several more dismal apartments and condos online, Erin had come to a decision. She wanted Jay to move in with her. The thought had been in the back of her mind for a while. They practically lived together anyways. Every night was usually spent at one or the others place. More often than not, her place since it was bigger.

Erin reluctantly admitted to herself that one of the reasons why she had shot down all of the places Jay looked at was because she didn't really want him living in any of them. She wanted him living with her. She couldn't envision him in any of these places because her condo was the only place she could imagine him living.

Erin let out a shaky breath. She never thought she would ask a guy to move in with her. She'd never lived with anyone before, and it made her nervous. Just thinking about having someone there, in her space, all day, every day. Having no escape when things got uncomfortable. It stressed Erin out just thinking about it. Then she imagined Jay. Waking up with him every morning, cooking brunch, lounging on the couch watching Netflix, decompressing together after work. She couldn't help but smile. It was scary, but in a 'butterflies in the stomach' kind of scary.

Jay walked out of the bedroom and his eyes lit up seeing her smile. In a low voice he said, "You like this one?" He gave a quick look around. "I do think it has possibilities."

The smile dropped from Erin's face, "Really? Are you serious?"

Jay looked back at her confused. "You don't like it? I was thinking this might be the one."

Erin sighed, she rubbed her fingers against the key in her pocket. She didn't want to do this in front of the real estate agent, but if Jay committed to this place, she was going to have to step in. "Maybe sleep on it?" she countered. She looked up at him hopefully. Maybe tonight, she could bring up the subject of them moving in together.

Jay nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah." He looked back at the agent. "This might be the one, but I am not 100% sold yet."

The agent nodded agreeably. "You know… I have a client that just put their place on the market this weekend. I've got to meet another client in a bit, but I can give you the code so you can check it out." He gave Jay a knowing look. "I think it might fit you better."

Jay smiled brightly, "That sounds great. Why don't you text me the address and code." Jay was suddenly in a hurry. He quickly said good bye and ushered Erin out the door and down the stairs.

Erin raised her brow at him as they made their way to the car. "What's with the rush all the sudden?"

Jay gave her a nervous smile. "I'm just wanting to see this next place. He said it might be perfect for me." He walked around to the passenger side and looked expectantly at Erin over the hood of the car.

Erin unlocked the doors and settled into the driver's seat, "I'm not sure I trust your agent." She started the car. "Maybe we should just skip this place. I don't think he is very in tune to what you need."

Jay just laughed lightly and gave Erin the address of the next place. Erin paused a bit at the street name Jay gave her. It was in a very different neighborhood than they had been looking at all day. It really was in an up and coming neighborhood.

"Isn't that over by Giuseppe's?" she questioned. It was one of their favorite Italian restaurants. She loved the area. It was full of nice little restaurants, coffee houses, and vintage shops. They hung out there all the time.

"Hmmm, yeah, I think so." Jay looked out at the window, as Erin drove. He had suddenly got really quiet. She saw him drumming his fingers on his thigh again. She could tell he was nervous about something. Erin was confused. She wasn't sure why this apartment might cause him to have anxiety. It was causing her to feel anxious, too. Actually, Erin realized, since the agent wasn't going to accompany them to the next spot, it might be the perfect time to ask Jay to move in with her. If the place resembled any of the other ones that they'd looked at, Erin was just going to put it out there. Erin could feel the key weighing down her jacket like a lead ball.

After about ten minutes, she pulled up across from the address Jay had given her. It was a town home, attached on both side to similar homes. They were red bricked with white trim. There was about 8 houses in a row that seemed to be part of the community. Potted plants sat on door steps and windows had flower boxes hanging from them. A few girls played hopscotch on the corner, and a young couple were walking a dog on the sidewalk.

"Seriously, Jay?" Erin looked at him in surprise. There was no way Jay could afford to live in this neighborhood.

Jay was already out of the car and headed purposefully across the street. He was up the entry way stairs before Erin had even shut the car door. By the time she reached the door, he had it unlocked and was holding it open for her.

Erin walked through and let out a gasp of appreciation. It was small and narrow but had major character. Whoever had lived here before had clearly taken care with the details. Crown molding, wood flooring, and tasteful window coverings were the first things Erin noticed. This place actually did have an open floor plan. A gas fireplace was the centerpiece of the living room. The kitchen and dining room were in the back. A little breakfast bar with enough space for a small table, too. Erin walked over to the kitchen and noted the newish matching appliances and stylish backsplash. She ran her hands over gray granite countertops, off set beautifully by the dark wood kitchen counters.

Jay stood in the middle of the living room with a huge grin on his face, "Do like it?"

Erin looked around again, "Well, yeah, but-"

Jay cut her off, "Let's look upstairs." He grabbed her hand and dragged her up the narrow stairs. There were three doors on the second floor. One led to a tasteful bathroom, and another to a small simple bedroom. Finally, Jay opened the door to the master bedroom. It was spacious with a slightly vaulted ceiling. His and her closets were on one side of the wall. Another wall had huge windows. Erin pulled aside the coverings to look down upon the tree lined street below. This was a beautiful place. Small, but cozy. It was perfect.

Jay came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and rested his head on her shoulder as she gazed out the window. "It's nice, isn't it?" Jay quietly spoke, his eyes watching the girls on the street. The had stopped to crowd around the dog, and were petting it enthusiastically.

Erin smiled at the view. She softly responded, "Yeah, it's beautiful." Her brow furrowed a bit. She didn't want to burst his bubble, "This place has to be way out of your budget." She laughed slightly, "Unless you have some sort of inheritance or secret job that I am not aware of."

Jay laughed, "No." He pressed a lingering kiss against her cheek. His breath was warm against her ear and gave her goosebumps. "You're right. I can't afford it." He paused briefly, running his hands along her arms and shoulders gently. He leaned back in, his voice soft by her ear. "But maybe _we_ can."

Erin froze at his words, her heart beating wildly. His hands resting along her shoulders, he slowly turned her until they were facing each other, eye to eye. She looked up at him with eyes wide. Jay grinned at her response. Then slowly, he sank to one knee in front of her. One hand disappeared into his jacket pocket, and then reappeared holding a small black velvet box. Opening it to reveal a beautiful, delicate diamond ring. Jay looked up at her, eyes shining with love and hope, "Erin Lindsay, will you marry me?"


	3. Chapter 3

Erin was frozen in shock as she stared open mouthed at Jay, on one knee in front of her. Her eyes darted back and forth between the sparkling diamond ring he was holding and his face that shined with nerves and hope. Noting her reaction, Jay laughed lightly and repeated his question, "Will you? Will you marry me?"

He reached out with his hand, and grabbed hers. Fiddling with the ring box, he pulled the diamond ring out of its box and was in the process of sliding it onto her finger, when Erin finally was knocked out of her stupor. She yanked back her hand, slightly more aggressively than she meant to. The ring dropped to the ground, bouncing slightly on the wood floors. The sound reverberated throughout the empty room. Now it was Jay's turn to stare in surprise as the ring spun in a circle like a top a few times before dropping flat on the floor. The silence was deafening for a moment. Noting that Jay was making no move to pick it up, Erin reached down and grabbed the ring. She grabbed Jay's hands as she stood back up, pulling him off his knees and to his feet.

Erin tried to resist the urge to look closely at the ring, but holding it in her hand, she couldn't help but lower her eyes to examine it. She sucked in a breath at its beauty. A vintage style, classic cut, Erin swallowed nervously. If she could dream up her perfect ring, this would be it. Jay knew her so well. "It's beautiful," she reluctantly whispered.

Erin glanced up at Jay, he was giving her a lopsided grin. "Let's try it on." He rambled on a bit. "I think it will fit, I snuck out a few of your other rings to use to size it. I was afraid you would realize a bunch of your jewelry had gone missing, but you didn't." He noticed Erin, just staring at the ring quietly, "Try it on," He repeated.

Erin just looked at the ring, sparkling bright in her hand. She slowly raised her eyes to him, "You've been planning this?" She quietly asked. "For a long time?" Erin was still trying to process what was happening. She'd had no clue that this was something that Jay was wanting right now. That he was planning this. She tried to rack her brain for any signs that he'd been thinking about proposing. They were happy this last year. Finally free to date and be together without Voight's disapproval haunting them. She just didn't realize Jay was wanting more.

Jay chuckled a bit, "Not too long. I was looking at all these apartments and none of them felt right. Then the agent was talking about 30 year fixed mortgages and it made me think about my life 30 years from now." Jay stepped a bit closer to her, running his hand up her arm to gently stroke her face. Erin looked up to meet his soft gaze, and then he continued. "All I could see was you. You and I here, raising our family, living life together." His smile was full of love and his eyes were intense as he looked into hers, "Then I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to share all this with you. To make sure you knew that I want this future with you…." He dropped his gaze back to the ring, "And I want our future to start now."

He pulled the ring out of her fingers that were trembling slightly at his words. He repeated softly, "Erin, will you marry me?" His hand gently stroked her ring finger, she could see him tracing the place where he wanted to place the ring. Erin met his eyes, and for the first time, Jay looked beyond the shock and surprise to see doubt and regret in her face. "Erin?" he softly whispered, confusion seeping into his voice.

Erin hated hearing that sadness in his voice. She gripped his hand tightly and wound his fingers through hers. "Jay…" she began. "I…I…" She took a steadying breath and then let it out in a rush, "I don't know what to say?" She gave Jay a frustrated look. She loved him so much, but…

Jay gave her a pleading look, "Say, yes."

Erin gritted her teeth. "I…I…can't…" Erin knew she was hurting him, but marriage just wasn't something she was comfortable with.

"I don't understand," Jay looked at Erin, the hurt evident all over his face. "I thought we were happy, in love, committed." He took a step away from her and started to turn to walk away.

Erin grabbed his arms to prevent Jay from turning away. She cried out, "We are happy! We are in love! I am committed to you. I just… I just…" She broke off, not knowing what to say to make everything okay.

Jay gave a bitter laugh. "You just don't want to marry me."

Erin groan in frustration, "It's marriage itself. Not you." Erin never put much stock in the sanctity of marriage. Growing up with her mom, marriage was a joke. Guy after guy flitted in and out of Bunny's life. Some she married, and some she didn't. Each marriage ended the same way though. Bitter feelings and divorce. Erin knew that she shouldn't use Bunny as an example of what a marriage could be, but she couldn't help it.

As if reading her mind, he looked at her incredulously. "Do you think you are Bunny?"

"No!" Erin denied, even though a part of her did admit that they were cut from the same cloth.

Jay shook his head, some of the anger dissipating as he looked down at her. He reached for Erin and cupped her cheeks between his hands. Staring into her eyes, he softened his voice. "You are not Bunny, Erin. She is a drunk, an addict, a total waste! You are warm and caring. You are nothing like your mother."

Erin let out a derisive laugh. "Are you forgetting last summer? Pretty sure I was the epitome of Bunny."

"You were grieving!" Jay replied in frustration. They'd hashed all that out last year. Whatever had happened after Nadia's death, Jay had forgiven long ago. He would have never entered into a relationship with Erin if he couldn't get over her past. Let alone ask her to marry him.

"Don't defend me." Erin argued, shaking his hands off her face. It sometimes upset her how easily he had forgiven her actions. She sighed, "That's not the point anyways. It's not you or me. It's just the idea of marriage. I don't really think it works." Jay gritted his teeth, and shook his head. "Jay, seriously? Name a marriage that you know that has worked. Antonio? Olinksy? Your parents?"

She could tell that Jay didn't like that last comparison. His eyes narrowed at her, and she could see the anger rising. His family, especially his dad, was one of those topics they just didn't touch.

"So what have we been doing here? Just passing time until we break up? We are just together until we aren't?" He questioned crossing his arms defensively.

"No, we've been building a relationship." She reached out to him, placing her hands on his crossed arms. "I love you, Jay. That is real. I want to be with you. I want a future with you." She tried to make it clear. She wasn't saying no to him, just no to being engaged.

Sadness crossed his face, "Just not marriage."

She shook her head slowly. "It doesn't mean our relationship isn't real. It just something that's now. In the present. This is how we live, Jay. Our lives are always in the moment. Planning ahead is just dangerous. Life can change at the drop of a hat, and we have to be prepared for that. I want you to be able to walk away someday if things go south. I don't want you to stay with me out of some sense of obligation if I fall apart again." It was one of her biggest fears. That Jay would stay with her long after she deserved. He had such a sense of honor and loyalty. While she truly believed that she would never let herself go down that dark path again, there was a secret part of herself that she knew still existed.

Jay shook his head, "You are just scared, Erin." He stepped closer to her, and she could see hope flicker back in his eyes. "It's okay to be scared. Just trust in us. Trust that what we have is enough. Think about the future we could have." His blue eyes were so intense as they stared into hers. She could get lost in their depths. Erin knew he was so pure in his feeling for her and his hope for their future.

Erin countered, "And we can have that future. Marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesn't have to define who we are and what we mean to each other. That's not the important part. What's important is how we feel about each other."

"It's important to me." He quietly said, his blue eyes serious. "I want to stand before God, our families, and our friends. I want to promise to love you and stand by you through everything." He gave her a pleading look, "I don't want that option to walk away when things go south. That's not what marriage is." A realization suddenly hit Jay, and his brow furrowed in confusion. "So…you don't want a family anymore? You always talked about having kids one day. Don't you think our kid's parents should be married?"

Sensing the conversation was taking an even more downward turn, Erin turned and looked back out the window. Her eyes couldn't help but focus on the girls who were still playing on the sidewalk. "I don't know, Jay. I used to, but lately…after all we see. I just can't rationalize bringing someone into this world."

Jay stepped up close behind her and followed her eyes to where the young girls played. "You love kids, Erin. You would be a great mom and you know it."

She gave him a glance over her shoulder, "We are both cops, Jay. The odds of one or both of us getting killed on the job are pretty high. I don't want a kid to grow up without a parent. What if something happened to both of us? Our kid ends up in foster care?"

"That wouldn't happen!" Jay sighed in frustration, "I don't get where this is coming from. We've had conversations about kids before. I thought we were on the same page. What changed?"

Erin knew some of her hesitation stemmed from Justin's death. Seeing Olive struggle as a single mom after Justin's death had been eye opening. She didn't wish that on anyone. She couldn't imagine raising her and Jay's kids without him. The idea of losing him on the job sent pangs through her heart. She shook off the thoughts. Not really wanting to get into it, she just shrugged.

Jay took a few steps away from the window and ran his hands through his hair. A gesture she recognized as something he did when he was trying to hold it all in. He then dropped his hands and looked at her dejectedly. "So that's it then. The answer is no." His gaze told her he wanted her answer one more time.

Not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes, she took a few steps close to him. "I still want to be with you, Jay. I love you." Trying to salvage the situation, she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the key. It felt like almost an embarrassing gesture after him offering her a ring a few minutes earlier. She pressed the key into his hand. "I wanted to give you this."

Jay looked down at the key in confusion. "What's this? A key?"

Erin nodded, "Yeah. A key to my apartment. I wanted you to move in with me. I hated looking at all these places and you showing me all these pictures the last few months. I didn't want you finding somewhere else to live. I want you to live with me." Erin stood awkwardly next to Jay. She knew he was hurting after his proposal didn't go as planned. She just didn't know how to fix this.

Jay just studied the key for a moment. "I already have a key to your place." His face was almost void of emotion.

Erin gave him a small smile, "I know. This was just supposed to be symbolic. You know, a gesture, to ask you to move in."

Jay nodded silently. Erin watched as he looked at the key again for a few moments. Then he suddenly gave a quick look outside. The sun had started to set, and it suddenly had gotten a lot darker in the empty room. Jay abruptly shoved his hands into his pockets. Erin noted that the key disappeared into the same pocket she knew he had placed the diamond ring. "It's late," he stated sharply, "We should get out of here."

Erin bit her lip, "Okay." Before she had even finished her answer, he spun and left the room. Erin followed him down the hall and stairs to the front door. As he left the house, Erin couldn't help but give one more look around the beautiful house. She really did love this place. It just wasn't her. She just couldn't align this dream with her reality.

Glancing out the open front door, she saw Jay standing by the car. She was terrified that everything had just changed between them. Why did he have to propose? Everything was perfect between them. They were happy. She had never been in a happier or healthier relationship. She didn't understand why he was in such a rush to get married. She really just wanted things how they were. What was wrong with that?

She unlocked the doors as she approached, and Jay quickly slid inside the car. Erin sat in the driver's seat and started the car. Jay was studiously staring out the window. Wanting to break the silence, Erin asked, "Are you hungry? We can grab some dinner?"

Jay let out a little grunt and she saw him shake his head a bit. Then he answered, "Sure."

Erin pulled out onto the road. "Giuseppe's?" She asked hopefully. "It's just down the street."

Jay suddenly sat up straight, "Ah..no. I actually just remembered Mouse had asked me to stop by tonight." He darted a quick look at Erin, "Something about his family…" He eyed Erin quickly, gauging her reaction.

Erin nodded lightly, "Hmmmm, okay. I'll take you home."

"Thanks." Jay sunk back into his chair, and he resumed his study of the street.

Erin tried to keep her eyes on the road as her heart twisted. She knew Jay was lying. There was no way he had planned on proposing and then leaving her to go hang with Mouse. She knew Jay just wanted to get away from her. She fought the tears that she could feel creeping up. She didn't want to lose him. She _couldn't_ lose him. He was her everything.

Briefly Erin tried to imagine how things would have gone if she would have said yes. Jay would have been so happy, so ecstatic. She almost smiled thinking about how happy he would have been. Guilt overwhelmed her. She had taken that from him. That was her biggest fear coming to life. She was afraid over time, she might drain that happiness from him.

Erin pulled up to his apartment. Jay immediately reached for the door to get out.

"Jay!" Erin called. Upset that he was just going to walk out.

Jay slumped back in the seat, not willing to look at her. Erin looked over at him. She reached out for him arm, awkwardly holding it. "Please look at me." She could see him set his jaw before looking over at her. "I'm sorry." She whispered. There was a coolness to his eyes, and she knew she was hiding his feelings.

He shrugged. "You were just being honest." He bluntly stated.

Erin sighed, "But where does that leave us?"

Jay broke the eye contact and looked back out the window. Silence stretched out between them and for a moment, Erin didn't think he was going to answer her. Then he shrugged again. "I don't know. I think I just need time to process this all." He looked over at her, and Erin could see the slight shine of tears in his eyes. His voice broke a bit as he spoke. "Things didn't go how I had planned. I hadn't really thought about the possibility that you-" He swallowed thickly, "I just have to-" He looked away again, "I just need to think."

Erin nodded quickly, "Okay." She leaned over and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. Leaning back in her seat, she let out a shaky breath, fighting her own tears. "Have a good night with Mouse."

Jay nodded and opened the door. He got out, but leaned back in before shutting the door. "I'll call you tomorrow," he said shortly.

"I love you," she whispered.

He locked eyes with her for a moment. He gave her a sharp nod, "Love you, too."

Then he was gone.

 **Thanks for reading this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. I love Jay and Erin. I know a few people have complained that I always break them up in my stories. Sorry. It's what I like to write. For me its the journey of two people who love each other and are trying to make it things work. While they may be apart for part of my story, the plot of this story will definitely have some different complications than from my past two stories. Sorry if a few of you feel it is too similar to my other stories. It feels different to me. If you are up for the ride, please join me. Review as always!**


	4. Chapter 4

Erin shifted on the couch and tried to find a comfortable position. She attempted to focus her attention on the movie she had playing on the TV, but she could barely remember the plot despite the fact she had been watching it for almost an hour. Even though it didn't vibrate or make a noise, she pushed the button to look at her phone, checking for any messages or missed calls. Seeing none, she sighed and adjusted her position on the couch once more. Unable to concentrate on the movie, she grabbed her phone again and this time opened to her messages to reread the unanswered texts she had sent Jay throughout the evening.

8:24 p.m. _I'm sorry about earlier. Just know that I love you._

9:15 p.m. _Are you still with Mouse?_

10:00 p.m. _I miss you._

10:45 p.m. _Are you okay?_

It had been over half an hour since she'd last texted him, and she was trying to resist the urge to just flip off the television and head over to his apartment. She was worried about him, and since he was clearly choosing to ignore her texts, she knew that the events of earlier in the evening were affecting him. Erin let out a groan of frustration. A part of her was just so mad at him. Why did he had to go and ruin everything? She knew it was irrational to blame him for her saying no, but a part of her did. Everything between them had been perfect, but it hadn't been enough for Jay. Erin sighed. She just felt so inadequate. She just wasn't the marrying kind of woman, and Jay should have realized that. Yes, they talked about the future. Retirement, old age, sometimes even family, but Erin knew she had never mentioned marriage. Her feelings of marriage had taken root long ago. Sometime between Bunny's third and fourth marriage possibly. In her first few years with Hank and Camille, she had started to think that a normal marriage was possible. After seeing the pain Hank went through after Camille's illness and subsequent death, Erin had reconfirmed that lifelong commitment just wasn't something she needed in her life. In her mind, people change and grow over the years. Sometimes what you need in a relationship changes as well. It's a nice idea to think that the person you need in your thirties will still be the person you need in your fifties, but Erin just didn't buy it. She loved Jay. Truly, deeply. Most of the time, she thought that he would be the guy that she grew old with, but Erin didn't really know that she would feel the same way in twenty years. If she didn't, or if Jay didn't, she wanted them to be able to go their separate ways. Her heart hurt, thinking about it, but she still felt like it was a more realistic view of marriage and relationships.

Unconsciously, she caught herself checking her phone again. Realizing Jay had no intention of texting her back tonight, she decided to try a different approach. She didn't need to actually talk to Jay. She just needed to know he wasn't doing anything stupid. Making a decision, Erin grabbed her phone and pulled up her contacts. Hitting the call button, she waited impatiently as she heard the phone ringing.

"Hello, Erin?" She heard a voice question.

"Hey, Mouse." She let out a soft sigh. Just hearing Jay's friend's voice somehow relaxed her.

"Hey... um, what's up?" She could hear the curiosity in Mouse's voice. Erin didn't think she'd ever called Mouse for purely a social reason. Usually their phone calls were work related. Occasionally they'd exchange texts, but usually just when she was acting as a go-between for the two friends. She certainly never called him up late on a Saturday night.

"Is, uh, Jay still with you?" Erin knew that Jay'd probably be mad about her checking up on him, but she just needed confirmation that he was okay. Honestly, he probably couldn't be any more mad at her, could he?

Erin heard silence for a few moments. "Hmmm, no. I haven't seen him." Erin heard Mouse pause for a moment. "He kind of said he had, uh, plans with, uh, you?"

Hearing the awkwardness in his voice, Erin suspected that Jay had shared his proposal plans with Mouse. She sighed over the phone, "He hasn't contacted you at all tonight?"

"No." Mouse was quiet. "Is he okay?" Erin could hear the concern in his voice.

Erin thought about the cold and empty look in Jay's face as he had said goodbye. "I don't think so." She could hear Mouse thinking even across the phone.

"Ummm, maybe I'll give him a call."

"He might not answer. I've been texting him all night, and he's not responding. Maybe you should just go to his place and check in on him," Erin suggested. She needed to know that he was okay. If she wasn't going to be the one to comfort him, at least he could have his friend.

"Yeah, good idea." Mouse answered. She knew from Mouse's tone that, he had surmised what had went down that evening. As one of his closest friends, Mouse was one of the few people who Jay shared his real thoughts and feelings with. Often he just kept everything to himself. Erin hoped that tonight, Jay would be able to open up with Mouse.

As they were just about to hang up, Erin said, "Mouse?"

"Yeah, Erin?"

"Can you just text me that he's okay? I… I… need him to be okay." She quietly pleaded.

"Sure." Mouse replied understandingly, "I'll let you know what's up."

"Thanks, Mouse."

Erin dropped her phone into her lap, and rested her head on her hands. She mentally tried to calculate how long it might take Mouse to get from his apartment to Jay's. Her eyes rested on the clock as time slipped by. A few minutes for Mouse to clear out of his apartment. A couple minutes to get to his car. Twelve to fifteen minutes to drive to Jay's and find parking. Three minutes to walk up the stairs. Twenty minutes passed, and Erin's nerves tightened as she began to think that Mouse should have arrived at Jay's by then. What if he wasn't home? Where might he be? Scenarios flashed through her mind.

Scrolling through her phone, she searched for Will's number. He was the only other person that she considered Jay might have turned to. She was contemplating whether or not she should text or call Jay's brother, when her phone vibrated in her hand. She read the text that Mouse had sent her.

 _I'm with Jay._

Relief flooded her, but it wasn't truly enough for her to relax. Was Jay okay? She wanted to text Mouse back and inquire about Jay's state of mind, but Erin knew that it wasn't what Jay needed at the moment. She tried to just accept his parting words earlier in the evening, "I'll call you tomorrow." Hopefully after talking it out with Mouse and getting a night's sleep, everything would be put into perspective. Erin just hoped that Jay would understand that a future between them was still possible, even if it didn't include marriage. Sleep was long in coming, but eventually, Erin drifted off.

—-

Erin paced around her small kitchen restlessly. It had almost been 24 hours since she last talked to Jay. All day she held onto the hope that he would call her back. She fought the urge to call or text him. After her texts last night went unanswered, she knew that he was aware of how she felt. For most the morning she was fine, imagining that he was sleeping off a hard night. By afternoon, she had started to tense up. By evening, she was pissed. If he was just never going to speak to her again, the least he could do was call her up and dump her.

Erin did not want to show up at work tomorrow, still not having talked things out. That's all she needed was airing her dirty laundry out in the middle of the squad room. Every one on the team had been pretty cool about their relationship over the last year, but that was because they kept it professional at work. Erin didn't think she could keep her cool if he spent another day ignoring her existence.

Deciding she wanted to hash it all out tonight, she grabbed her keys and bag and took off for Jay's. Her confidence lasted only until she stood in front of his door. She, too, had her own key to his place, but after everything that went down, she definitely didn't feel comfortable using it. She knocked firmly and waited for him to answer.

Slowly the door swung open and a bleary eyed Jay appeared in the door frame. His face was unreadable, "Hey."

Erin tried to not let her irritation show. He had ignored her for a full day. A day in which she was terrified that their relationship might be over.

"What's up?" he greeted her stone faced.

Erin couldn't keep it together. "Hey? What's up?" She snapped. "How about you return a message at some point?" She angrily pushed through him into the living room. As she walked into the room, the evidence of how Jay had spent the last 24 hours was clear. Beer bottles and take out containers littered the room. Erin's eyes searched the room and spotted Jay's phone on the coffee table. She snatched it up and turned to slap it into Jay's hand.

Jay just narrowed his eyes and stared at his phone, "What?"

Erin crossed her arms in anger, "Well, I just assumed you had lost your phone or it was broken, since you couldn't be bothered to respond to any of my texts."

Jay dropped his phone back on the table and walked over to the couch. He swiped his most recent beer and took a long drink of it. "Knock off the dramatics, Erin. I told you I needed some time to think."

Erin crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. She pulled up her leg, so she could face him. "I just wanted to know you were okay." She tried to calm her voice, but she was still upset.

"Well, I'm not," he bluntly replied.

Erin swallowed hard, and felt her anger leave to be replaced by fear. She let out a soft breath, "Will you be?"

Jay kept his eyes lowered, focusing on his beer bottle, "I don't know." He slumped back into the couch, and rolled his head to look at Erin. She could see the pain and hurt all over his face. His normally sparkling blue eyes were dull. "I just don't know how to feel, Erin."

She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. "Talk to me, Jay. Is there anything I can do or say?" She hated seeing him like this. She felt like he was close to ending their relationship. There was just a hopelessness to his posture.

Jay just shook his head slightly, "Nothing to say. You said it all."

Erin gripped his hand a little tighter, "You understand what I am saying though, right? It has nothing to do with you. It's just how I feel."

Jay snorted a bit, "Well, it kind of does have to do with me. After all, I'm the one you don't want to marry." He pulled his hand from her grip and reached for his beer. He tipped it back and drained it. Abruptly, he stood up and walked toward the kitchen for another drink.

"Jay!" Erin implored, "It's not personal. It's doesn't mean I don't love you." She got up and followed him to the kitchen.

Jay slammed the door to the fridge and spun around, "How am I not supposed to take it personal?" He spat out, "I asked you to marry me, Erin! To share the rest of my life with you. I wanted to build a life with you. A family." He gave her a bitter look, "It's personal, okay. Don't make it be less than it is."

Erin felt tears burn her eyes. "I know you are disappointed in me, but we can still share a life together. That is what I want. Can't that be enough?" She stepped in close to him, lifting her hand to caress his cheek. She could see Jay's emotions teetering between his anger and his love for her. "We can still be great together, Jay. You and I, partners, in everything."

Looking down at her, Jay's voice was thick with emotion, "Am I just supposed to give up on the things I want for my future?"

Erin knew that he was talking about kids. "I don't know. I mean, it's how I feel right now, but maybe-" She broke off. "I don't want to give you false hopes, Jay. Look at all the kids we know. Antonio's kids, Olinksky's daughters, Natalie, Jules's family, Olive's baby. It's like the world is telling us to just stop trying. It's impossible to have that perfect family."

Jay's face twisted in a grimace, "It doesn't have to be perfect, Erin. We just have to commit to a life together. To believe that what we have is enough." She knew that he wanted a sign from her that she might some day be ready to get married and have a family, but she knew that she couldn't lead him on like that. Even if it meant hurting him. Telling him she might someday change her mind, would just result in a deeper loss later. Erin just shook her head sadly.

Jay gave a hollow laugh, "And that's why I'm upset. Cause I realize that what we have isn't strong enough."

Erin felt tears spill down her cheeks at his words. "So this is it? It's over?" Erin felt her chest shake with sobs that she was trying to keep down as panic at the thought of losing him filled her.

Jay looked away for a moment thoughtfully. When he looked back at her, she could see that the devastation in his eyes matched the devastation in her heart. "I don't know where else we could go from here."

Erin gave up holding in her cries and allowed a sob to escape, she spun around covering her face with her hands. She couldn't believe the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning, she literally had never been happier in her life. She had the man of her dreams. She was considering asking him to move in with her. Everything she could have wanted was better than she could have imagined. Now, it was all in pieces. She felt his hands on her shoulder, "I'm sorry, Erin. This isn't what I want, but I don't see any other possibility."

She spun back around, her face streaked with tears and hurt, "If you don't want this and I don't want this, why are you breaking up with me?" She could see his resolve weaken. Stepping closer, she placed both hands on his cheeks and lifted up on her toes to kiss him lightly. "Don't…" he begged softly. He stepped back, her hands dropping from him dejectedly. "You are making this harder than it has to be."

"It is hard," Erin exclaimed. "How am I supposed to just walk away from you?"

Erin could see the tears in his own eyes as he looked down at her. "We have to. It's not fair to either of us to keep going though the motions of this relationship when we both want a different ending." Jay gave a gentle caress to her cheek, his fingers wiping a few tears away. Erin could see love and sadness in his eyes. "I'd still stay with you forever, hoping everyday that maybe you'd change your mind. If that's what you want, I'll do it."

Erin cried softly, "No." She sniffled a bit. Whether they were together or not, all she really wanted was for him to be happy. While pretending to accept her decision might allow them time together now, she couldn't bear it when the resentment inevitably set in. "I don't want you to hate me someday."

Jay gave her a weak smile, "I could never hate you." He leaned down and lightly brushed his lips against her cheek. "But I need to find a way to accept this."

Erin gave a slight nod. She let out a shaky breath. "So tomorrow…" she let her thought drift off. It wouldn't be the first time they pushed down their feelings for each other. They'd probably spent more time deny what they wanted than actually acting on their desires.

Jay took a step back, trying to put a little distance between them. Might as well start now. "Tomorrow we fight crime and kick ass."

Erin gave what she hoped was a brave smile. It was false, and she knew that Jay saw right through it, but she tried. She turned and started walking towards the door. "Then until tomorrow." She paused with her hand on the door, she gave him one last look over her shoulder. "I'm still so sorry, Jay."

He nodded sadly, "I know." At that, Erin slipped from Jay's apartment, and out into the world, leaving her love and hope for the future behind her.

 **I got a new computer and had some trouble reformatting this to publish. I tried to sort it all out, but my paragraphing got all messed up. Hopefully I caught all the errors. I apologize for any missed ones. Hope you enjoy. This chapter made me really sad to write. I love these guys! Read and review please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow! I had so many great reviewers for the last chapter. Most of you seem to be enjoying the story. Thanks for reading.**

Erin sat numbly at Molly's bar, staring mindlessly at the wall of bottles behind the bar. Her beer in her hand, but she had made no move to drink it for several minutes. She was lost in thought as moments from the last two weeks flitted through her mind. Awkwardness reigned supreme between her and Jay. They were both trying to act "normal" around each other, but with both dealing with so much heartache it was difficult.

Erin wasn't really angry at him anymore. Despite being upset that he made the decision that if marriage and kids weren't in their future, he didn't want the relationship to continue, she still couldn't find it her heart to be mad at him. He was being honest with what he wanted, just like she had been honest about what she wanted. It just hurt that they didn't want the same things in life. It hurt a lot. She was embarrassed to admit how many nights over the last two weeks, she had cried herself to sleep. She kept telling herself it was going to get easier. She just didn't know if she believed it.

As much as the heartbreak overwhelmed her at the moment, she had thought honestly about if she would do anything different. Would she have preferred to never have even gotten involved in a relationship with Jay, if she'd known all those years ago that this was how things would end? Ultimately, Erin didn't question it. While their early attempts at relationships had put career over their feelings, this last year had meant everything to her. She learned from Jay that the person who you share your bed with can also be the person who supports you through dark days and light. She had never been so vulnerable as she had been with Jay. Maybe that is why now her heart felt so raw.

Alternatively, she also thought long and hard about whether or not she should have just said yes to Jay's proposal. He would have been blissfully happy, and Erin kept telling herself Jay's happiness was more important than her own. The idea of planning a wedding and ceremony and all that entailed just scared her so much. She knew all that was just a waste. If two people wanted to be together, they should just be together. Some part of her felt like maybe she should have just done it. Said yes, and married Jay. She knew that someday down the road it would have ended. Probably with bitter, hateful words like most the other divorces she had been around for, and that's what she just adamantly did not want. As hurt and sad as they both were, there wasn't hate. There was still love between them, just now surrounded by disappointment.

They still talked every day. They were still partners after all. Conversations were careful and filled with many long silences. Most discussions were focused on the cases they were working on, but a few friendly inquiries were made as well. Jay checked up on how Olive and Daniel were doing. Erin shared a few stories of the young toddler, before awkwardly realizing that discussing babies probably wasn't a neutral topic of conversation. Erin asked about Jay's recent camping trip with his brother. Jay joked about his not-very-nature-friendly brother trying unsuccessfully to start a fire. Erin guessed you could define their relationship as…cautiously friendly. Erin knew every conversation had an undertone of insincerity. No matter what they were talking about, it wasn't what they really wanted to be talking about. It was enough though, for now. And it really hadn't been all that bad, until tonight.

This evening, while the guys had disappeared down the stairs, headed out for the night, Erin had noticed a small cardboard box had been placed on her desk while she was in the locker room. The sounds of their conversations debating where they were going to go for dinner had faded as she had approached the inconspicuous box. When she had pulled open the top of the box, pain as fresh as the moment she first realized Jay wanted to end things filled her. Inside the box were the remnants of their relationship. One by one she had pulled items out of the box. Instead of feeling like she was closing the door of her relationship, she relived each precious yet painful memory.

On top were her reading glasses and a few novels she had read recently. When Jay got too absorbed in one of his documentaries or an old sci-fi movie that Erin just couldn't get into, she'd dive into a favorite book. She smiled slightly remembering the teasing from Jay the first time she had slipped the glasses on. 'Sexy Librarian' had been the nickname he had labeled her with that night. Needless to say, she hadn't gotten any reading done that night.

Next she pulled out her fuzzy slippers. Erin's feet were notoriously cold, especially during Chicago winters. Whenever they watched movies or tv, she'd always tuck her icy cold toes under his thighs to try and keep her feet warm. For Christmas, he had gifted her with the softest and warmest slippers to keep her feet warm. She'd worn them almost every night since, yet she still tucked her feet under his legs, not because her toes were cold, but because she liked the contact.

Erin dug through the box, shifting a few shirts and pajamas to the side. Her hand hit something hard. Pulling it out, she saw it was a frame. Inside the frame was a picture of the two of them. Her eyes filled with tears as she realized that Jay hadn't even wanted to keep this memory of their time together. Looking at the simply framed picture, she smiled sadly. It had been taken on an overnight camping trip they had taken in early summer. After the stress of Justin's death and Voight's investigation, there had been a few weeks where Erin just didn't think she could keep it together any longer. Pressure from above, silence from Hank, and grief from Justin's death, had just overwhelmed her. Jay had just swept her up, and they had escaped for the weekend. He had taken her to a spot, just across state lines where Jay had camped regularly as a kid. With just a tent, sleeping bag, and some basic camping gear, they spent two quiet nights being one with nature and just enjoying time with each other. The selfie in the frame had been taken just before they left. Grins on both their faces lit up the screen, as the bright June sun had shone on both their faces. The sunshine didn't light up their faces quite as much as the love did.

With pain slicing through her, Erin realized why Jay hadn't been able to hold onto the picture. Opening her bottom desk drawer, she threw it face down and slammed the drawer. The rest of the box, she shoved under her desk. She couldn't look at it anymore. Escape was what she needed, and Molly's was the quickest outlet.

Now she sat, lost in memories, lost in thought, as the hustle and bustle of Molly's continued around her. She was thankful none of her team were there. She just didn't feel up to the fake laughter and smiles that she'd been forcing the last few weeks. She was content just to sit and remember.

"Hey, Erin!" Sylvie Brett's cheerful voice broke through Erin's thoughts.

Erin gave a small smile in response. She liked Sylvie, but she wasn't in the mood for the optimism that usually came with her. Sometimes when you are down in the dumps, you just want to stay there.

"You here alone?" Sylvie questioned, settling down on the chair next to her.

Erin nodded absentmindedly, "Yeah, I think some of the guys were getting dinner. They might roll in later." She had heard rumors about something going on with Sylvie and Antonio. She hoped maybe that was all that the paramedic wanted.

Sylvie nodded, "Cool, cool…" She trailed off, looking around uncomfortably. Erin could tell something was up. Sylvie was very transparent when she had something on her mind. Antonio's whereabouts clearly wasn't all that she wanted to talk about.

Erin figured it was better to just get it over with. She turned and faced her, "What's up? Something on your mind?"

Sylvie's cheeks flushed a bit with embarrassment, "I, ah, no. I just..um." She gave Erin a sad look, "I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry to hear. You know, about you and Jay."

Erin slid her eyes away from Sylvie and sighed. She knew word was going to get out. Even though they had kept their relationship pretty private, with the close knit relationships between the medical, fire, and police departments, people talked. Curious, she asked, "How'd you hear?"

Slightly uncomfortable, Sylvie groaned, "Umm, I think Otis maybe heard it from Gabby. I think she might have got it from Antonio or maybe Will?" She shrugged a bit, "Everyone just is surprised. They thought you two were in it for the long haul."

Erin just nodded quietly. While news of their break up had obviously spread like wildfire through Chicago, apparently the failed marriage proposal hadn't. She hoped to keep it that way. She didn't want to have to listen to her friends and colleagues question why she let the best thing she'd ever had go. She definitely didn't want Jay to have to deal with the embarrassment of her rejection.

"Are you doing okay?" Sylvie questioned.

No! Erin thought to herself. What a stupid question. Of course she wasn't alright. She just ended her year long relationship with the love of her life! Sylvie wasn't the first person to ask how she was doing. Even Voight had inquired if she was okay or if she needed time off. Truthfully, she just wanted to be left alone to drink a beer and think about fuzzy slippers and reading glasses.

"Well, hello, beautiful ladies." Erin and Sylvie both swung around in unison as a voice came from behind Erin. An attractive Hispanic man with striking green eyes was standing at the bar grinning expectantly at them. Despite his good looks, Erin had no desire to be hit on tonight. He was looking at them as if he knew them. She didn't recognize the guy, so she looked back at Sylvie to see if she knew him.

"Detective Garcia. Hello." Sylvie smiled brightly at the man. Erin looked at her questioningly after hearing her call him detective. Erin didn't think she'd ever seen the guy around before.

"Erin, this is Detective Garcia. He's homicide out of the 28th. Detective Garcia, this is Erin Lindsay. She's a detective in Intelligence at the 21st." Sylvie smiled at the two of them during the introductions. "You two haven't met? I kind of thought all you detectives knew each other."

Erin laughed at the comment and politely shook the hand that Detective Garcia had offered her. "No, we haven't met." He was a handsome man. Mid thirties, dark hair, white teeth flashing a charming smile.

He grinned at her, "Lovely to meet you, Detective Erin Lindsay. I've only been at the 28th for a month. Guess our paths haven't crossed yet. Just moved here from California."

Erin raised her eyebrows at that, "You left warm and sunny California to come and deal with Chicago winters?"

Sylvie broke in, "Oh! There's Mouch! I've got to talk to him about a special project we are working on." Sylvie slipped away, leaving the two alone.

Garcia settled onto the bar stool next to Erin. He gestured to Herman, who was behind the bar, for a few more drinks. Erin felt suddenly guilty about him buying her a drink, before she realized that she wasn't doing anything wrong, just having a drink at a bar. She wasn't involved with anyone, she wasn't taken. She could have a drink with anyone she wanted. Not that she wanted, too. But she could if she did.

"Well, I actually grew up outside of St. Paul, but went to college in San Diego. I stayed in California and got on with LAPD. A few years ago my parents retired and moved out to southern Wisconsin. Their dream cabin on a little lake. Last year my mom died, and my dad's been out here all alone. I kind of wanted to be close to him, you know. A few hours drive instead of a five hour flight."

Erin looked at him with kind eyes. "Aww, that's so sweet."

He grinned that charming smile, "I know! All the ladies keep telling me that. My dad thinks it is hilarious that he's helping me score numbers."

Erin rolled her eyes but chuckled, "Sorry to disappoint your dad, but you are not getting my number." She finished drinking her beer, and acknowledged the new one that Herman had dropped off. "Thank you for the drink though."

"Well, it was worth a shot. Beautiful lady, badass detective on top of it. You can't blame a guy for trying."

Erin laughed again. It kind of felt good to laugh. The guy was ridiculous, but a kind of charming ridiculous. So over the top it was funny. She narrowed her eyes a bit, "How do you know I am badass?"

"Please." He replied leaning back and giving her the once over, "There's no way you aren't badass." Erin shook her head and rolled her eyes again. "Besides, I heard intelligence was no joke around here."

Suddenly someone calling his name from down at the end of the bar captured their attention.

"Looks like one of your buddies wants you." Erin observed.

He gave a glance over his shoulder. "Yep. Guess they can tell I am crashing and burning here."

Erin nodded agreeable. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Detective Garcia." She did mean it. Maybe she wasn't interested in giving him her number, but it hadn't been horrible to be on the receiving end of a handsome, flirty man. After two weeks of being sad and depressed, it felt refreshing. It was also nice to talk to someone who didn't look at her like they knew how pathelic her life was.

He stood, offering his hand to shake, "Call me Evan." he requested.

Erin shook his hand. "Good night, Detective," she stated, ignoring his wishes.

He flashed her one last quick grin before he turned and moved away. Erin let her eyes follow him as he walked back to his friends. Erin did recognize one or two of them. Not anyone she was close to but a few familiar faces. They weren't regulars here, but two of them were in deep conversation with Herman, so Erin figured that he was their connection.

Erin observed their interactions for another moment or two, and she was debating calling it a night, when she heard a voice behind her, "Hey, Lindsay."

Erin looked up at Antonio in surprise. She automatically scanned the bar, looking for anyone else from her team. She saw Atwater and Ruzek sitting at a table a bit away. Both were giving her slightly disapproving looks. She noticed a conspicuously empty chair at their table. Looking questioningly back at Antonio, she feared she knew the answer to the unspoken question.

Antonio gave her a brief nod, "Yeah, he wasn't up for the show. Headed out a few minutes ago."

Erin cursed under her breath and slipped off the stool, headed for the door. She didn't have to go far, she found Jay leaning against the brick wall outside. His attention on the phone in his hand. He looked up as she exited, giving her just a short nod in greeting, before returning his attention to his phone.

"Seriously, Jay." She stepped closer to him, noting that his disinterested greeting didn't quite match the emotional look in his eyes, "You can't even say hi anymore," she accused.

His lips tightened before he responded. "You looked busy. Wasn't up to meeting your new friend."

Erin felt irritation fill her, "I don't even know him. He's just some homicide detective out of the 28th. He was just being friendly."

A tight knowing smile crossed Jay's lips, and his voice had a hint of sarcasm. "Friendly. Got it." He allowed his eyes to drop back to his phone as it buzzed.

"So we can't even hang out at Molly's anymore?" Erin didn't know why she was pushing the situation so hard. The last thing she wanted was to be forced to spend time pretending everything was fine between them, when she really wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and cry. She just knew that somehow they had to figure out a new normal. Avoiding each other at the place they both spent their down time didn't seem like a good start to figuring out what normal would be.

Jay's eyes grew serious as he looked down at Erin. His voice was suddenly soft. "I'm just not ready, Erin. I know that I will have to see you with someone else someday, but I'm not there yet. If you are moving on, that's good for you. I want you to be happy. I just can't-" He broke off and swallowed hard, looking away briefly, "I just can't watch it right now."

The tears that had been threatening to fall since the discovery of her break-up-box, once again resurfaced. "I'm not moving on, Jay." She whispered, trying to keep her voice steady. "I don't want to move on." She looked up at him with pleading eyes, "Isn't there any chance…" she let her voice trail off. She knew her heart was overruling her head. She knew that their different opinions of the future should keep them apart, but right now, there was nothing more that she wanted but to wrap her arms around him and kiss him until no more pain was between them.

Jay looked at her sadly, "Erin…" He didn't want to say the words again. Breaking up was hard enough the first time.

Erin sniffed up the tears a bit, and brushed the wetness from her cheeks. "I know. I know.' She looked back up into his eyes. Some of the aloofness from earlier was gone, and she could see that he was hurting just as much as she was. "I just miss you."

Jay reached out for a moment, as if to comfort her with his touch. Second guessing the gesture, he ended up letting the hand drop to his side. "I miss you, too, but we will get past this." He gave her a bit of a grin, "We've done it before."

Erin just looked at him miserably. Every part of her just didn't want to get past this. He was still everything she wanted.

"Hey," he said lightly. "Stop looking so sad. All I want is for you to be happy. Honestly, you looked kind of happy a few minutes ago." She could see he was trying to give her a weak smile.

Irritation flared though Erin, "I was happy two weeks ago. When we were still together."

Jay sighed, and leaned back against the wall, resting his head against the bricks, closing his eyes as if he was trying to keep control. "Erin, we can't keep having this same conversation over and over. It's going nowhere."

Erin just kind of glared at him. She knew he was right, but somehow, someway, she kept hoping the conversations might end differently. "I know," she snapped.

He looked down at his phone again as it buzzed, then he looked back up, "So if I have to walk away when I see you making time with some guy. I'm gonna."

Anger filled her, "I told you. I don't even know him."

Jay shrugged, letting frustration push the sadness away. "But you will. Someday. Him or some other guy. Just like there is going to be some other girl."

Erin's heart flipped, "Are you seeing someone?" she whispered. Her mind replayed his focused attention on his phone as they had been arguing. Had he left Molly's not to avoid her, but because he actually did have plans with someone new. A tear slipped out, and she was unable to control the another as her eyes over flowed, her heart crushed.

"Erin…" She must of looked utterly devastated because he stepped close to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Shhh, shhh, I'm not." He held her for a moment as her tears subsided, his jacket now damp from their wetness. He stroked her hair for just a few minutes more before pulling slowly away. "This is bad though, Erin. We can't keep going on like this, okay?"

She looked up at him with tear stained cheeks. "I know." She pulled back, and their arms slowly dropped away from each other. Her heart felt heavy. It felt so real at this moment. She recalled the box that sat under desk. The picture of the two of them, happy and carefree. It was just a memory now. Everything tonight seemed so final and hopeless. Any dream that she had ever had at reconciliation drifted away.

Jay gave her a sad look, "We had a great run. I don't regret a moment we ever spent together. This is just how our story ends." His eyes flitted away as a car pulled up next to the curb. "Hey, there's Will. I'm gonna go." He gave her an encouraging smile. "You should go back inside. Enjoy your night. We will get through this. It will get easier" He brushed a light kiss on her forehead before moving away.

Erin stood empty and alone on the sidewalk outside of Molly's watching the taillights of Will's car until it disappeared.

 **Thanks for reading.** **Please review. There is more to come. Possibly even this weekend!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Reviews for the last chapter were so inspiring I wrote all weekend. This is a longer chapter than I usually do. It was even longer but I moved some to the next chapter. Hope you enjoy!**

Erin tried to keep her eyes averted from Voight's office door as Jay burst out of it. He barely spared her a glance as he grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and started to storm out of the squad room. Just as he was about to fly down the stairs, Erin saw Olinsky step up to him. She could just barely hear his murmured advice to Jay.

"Hey, man. You can't save them all. This wasn't your fault. It all happened before you even got involved." He clamped his hand down on Jay's shoulder to try and calm the rage boiling inside of Jay.

Jay's eyes blazed with fury. "You don't get it. He was me. He _is_ me." At that, Jay shrugged off Al's hand and rushed down the stairs. His exit leaving the squad room in silence. On cue, everyone's eyes slid toward Erin. As her partner, they looked to her to decide how to proceed. Two months ago, Erin would have already been halfway down the stairs to chase him and try to calm him. Now as just his colleague, she was torn on how to proceed.

Erin allowed her eyes to drift back toward Voight's door. Hank had made his way to the door frame and observed Jay's hasty exit. Now, giving Erin an unreadable look, he disappeared back into his office, but notably left the door open. Erin took it as an invitation and got up and made her way to his office. She closed the door behind her and took a seat in front of Voight's desk. He looked at her with raised eyebrows. Erin just shot him her own raised eyebrow glare.

"I sent him home. He's useless right now." Voight answered Erin's unspoken question.

Erin pressed her lips together in irritation. "He believed in Harris." She tried to defend Jay's actions. "We _all_ have believed in someone's innocence before and then been proven wrong."

Hank sent her his own irritated look, "Well, his blind faith in a fellow army ranger almost got you both killed."

It really had been a close one. Aden Harris, Army Ranger, had come home two nights ago to find his pregnant wife and young daughter dead in their home. The team had run down every possible lead, with Jay making an immediate connection with Aden. With both being former rangers, Jay had gone above and beyond to help the guy. Erin knew Jay had spent time by his side, even beyond work hours, as the team tried to figure out what kind of monster had torn apart this young family. Jay had been draw to the young man who he must have saw a part of himself in. Voight had cautioned Jay about getting too close, but the grief that the man had been going through had clearly touched something in Jay. Erin had been painfully aware that Aden Harris had just lost everything that Jay wanted in his life. A wife and a family. Erin hadn't said much to Jay about it, just stood by his side, silently supporting him.

By the second day, evidence had started to roll in that punched holes in Aden's alibi from the night of the massacre. Jay had adamantly refused to believe that the guy had anything to do with his family's murders. As witness statements and forensic results had come in this morning, Erin had seen Jay start to crumble. Voight had ordered Dawson and Olinsky to go pick the guy up, but Jay had demanded that he and Erin take care of it. When they had arrived, instead of arresting Harris, he sat down and shared with Aden what evidence they'd had. Jay begged Aden to explain what had gone on. Aden had suddenly freaked out, left the room to get water, and then emerged out of his kitchen with a shotgun. Jay had tried to talk him down, but Aden had clearly lost touch with reality. When Aden leveled the gun at Erin, confusion and desperation evident in face, Jay had finally realized how much the situation had spiraled out of control. Moments later, Aden lay bleeding on the floor from a head wound. Jay had gone mute since the shooting. Erin had tried to talk to him, but he hadn't said a word. The look on his face unreadable. Once Voight had called him into his office, whatever had been brewing beneath the surface, had clearly erupted. While Erin had not been able to clearly hear the argument that followed, she knew that Voight had come down hard on Jay for not following protocols.

Erin crossed her arms defiantly. "Well, he saved my life," she stated bluntly. While their relationship definitely had some tension the last few months, he was still her partner, and she would always defend him.

"After he put you in danger," Voight countered. The set of his jaw making it clear that he put the blame firmly on Jay's shoulders.

"I was there. I knew Aden was a suspect, and I still let him go off into the kitchen on his own. You can't put this all on Jay." Erin had let Jay take the lead on the case and their interactions with Harris. He had seemed so invested in the case. She should have known he was too close and not seeing the evidence clearly, but she didn't think that Harris was a danger to them. They'd both been taken off guard.

Voight was undeterred. "I don't trust him." He leveled Erin with a look that she knew went beyond boss and dipped into father territory. "Not with you."

Erin sighed. They hadn't ever sat and talked about what went down with her and Jay. He knew they had broken up and suspected that Erin was not the initiator of the split. He just didn't know the actual reason. She imagined that Hank thought Jay had just moved on from her.

"I trust him with my life." She said it with conviction. It didn't matter all that had changed between them, she was confident in that. Voight looked at her doubtfully, and she tried to reassure him. "You know the idiot would probably sacrifice himself to save me."

Voight shook his head, "I used to believe that. That's why I turned my head to you two getting involved. But now…" He shrugged. "My trust in his judgement faltered the second he let you go."

Erin took a deep breath. She really hadn't wanted to pull Hank into their relationship drama, but she didn't want him thinking that Jay had just dumped her for no reason. "Hank, he didn't just let me go. It was mutual."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Not buying it. I've seen you after relationships end. You bounce back before the guy is out the door. You've been moping around this place for two months over this guy. That's not mutual, and you shouldn't be defending him."

"It's not like that," Erin began.

Voight interrupted, "Then tell me what it's like."

They stared each other down for a few moments, and Erin realized that she had to come clean. Hank was going to keep punishing Jay for something that hadn't happened. There had always been tension between the two, and Erin didn't want to allow this particular issue to fester any longer.

Breaking eye contact, Erin looked away, "He asked me to marry him." She quietly whispered. She could feel Hank's sharp eyes on her. She looked back at him, her eyes watery, "Told you he's an idiot."

Hank just looked at her in silence. She could see him working a few different scenarios through his head. Eyes narrow, he spoke, "I thought you loved him. You fought me for a chance to be with him."

"I did love him. I _do_ love him." Erin quickly returned.

"So?" His eyes darted toward her ring finger, which was obviously bare.

Erin just shrugged lightly, "You were right all along. I'm not good at relationships. He wanted things that I don't want." Erin really didn't want to get too much more into the situation. It was would be awkward enough to have this conversation with a father. Let alone when that person also was your boss, and the boss of your ex. Nothing about the position they were in was comfortable.

Looking at Hank's expression, Erin knew he was drawing his own conclusions about what they each did and didn't want. Whether or not he drew the correct conclusion, Erin didn't care at this point. She just wanted to move on from this conversation. "It doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done." She focused her attention on Voight, and she made sure that her voice showed a confidence that she wasn't a hundred percent sure she fully believed. "We are fine still as partners. _That_ still works between us."

Hank stood and Erin mimicked his action. He walked around his desk, and reached out to her. He wrapped her in a quick hug, and Erin was surprised by the gesture. Hank wasn't known for his affection, especially at the office. He gave her a quick squeeze and then pulled back. "Regardless of what happened, I'm with you, kid. I'm always on your side." He patted her back gently, "Get your partner in line, okay?"

Erin nodded, and quickly withdrew from his office. She noted the sideways looks of the team as she made her way to her desk. Grabbing her jacket off the back of her chair, she took off to find her partner and make sure he didn't go off the deep end.

…..

After leaving work, she had stopped by her apartment for a bit before heading out to locate Jay. He hadn't responded to her texts or calls (no surprise there.) She had cruised by Molly's thinking be might be there. When he didn't show after about thirty minutes, she took off. She hoped that maybe he was just holed up at his house. It hadn't been her first stop, but as Jay pulled the door open she felt relieved. She didn't relish having to drag him drunk out of some bar. Finding him here, actually worked out best for her. Erin could see that his anger had not dissipated over the last couple hours

Jay didn't bother saying anything after answering the door. He just pushed the door open for Erin to enter. He followed her into his apartment. When she turned to face him, she could tell it was going to be frustrating night. His eyes were unfocused and there was a hardness to the lines of his face.

"I'm not up for a pep talk." He stated bluntly. "If that's why you are here, you shouldn't bother staying."

"I didn't come here to talk, Jay. Although if you want to talk, I'm always willing to listen." She pulled a bottle of whiskey from her bag and placed it on his kitchen counter. A handful of empty beer bottles already littered the counter top. Erin rightfully assumed that Jay had been tossing them back since he walked out of the precinct. "I knew you'd probably be drinking tonight, and I thought maybe you shouldn't drink alone." She tried to keep her tone light and free of judgement.

Jay's already bleary eyes studied the bottle for a moment. Then he turned and grabbed two glasses off the shelf, sliding them over to her. "Well, I definitely don't want to talk, so let's drink."

Erin cracked open the bottle and poured generous portions into each glass. She pushed one glass towards Jay and lifted the other glass to her lips. She drained it in one large gulp, relishing the burn that filled her throat and traveled to her belly. Jay looked at her with raised eyebrows. His own glass hovering a few inches from his lips. Erin shrugged her shoulders as she refilled her glass. "I am pretty sure you have an hour or two head start on the drinking. I need to catch up."

She grabbed her glass and bottle and moved to sit at the small kitchen table. Normally, she'd be more comfortable on Jay's couch. They'd spent many a night sharing a drink and more on that couch, but it was too intimate and held too many memories for Erin. The kitchen felt more appropriate for a night of hard drinking. Erin felt Jay's eyes on her as she sat at his table. She didn't look at him, just sipped her drink as she waited for him to join her. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding as he slowly sank down into the chair opposite her.

They didn't make eye contact or talk for several minutes. Each just lost in thought as they drank the whiskey. Jay refilled their glasses again.

Jay's voice was a bit rough when he did speak, "I'm sorry for today. I put you in danger and…" He paused for a second as he swallowed hard and seemed to try and gather his thoughts. "And there is no excuse. I'm just sorry." He looked up from his drink, and Erin saw regret in his eyes. She hated seeing that there, and Erin didn't care what had happened. They both came out of it, and that's what mattered.

Erin gave him a sad smile, "I didn't come here for an apology, Jay. I know you would never knowingly put me in danger."

"I read him wrong. He almost _killed_ you." His voice was emotional and Erin wanted nothing more to reach out and hold Jay. It killed her to see him hurting this much.

"He almost killed both of us, but that wasn't your fault. He wasn't in his right mind." Erin was cautious in her approach of the topic. Despite their many years as partners and friends, Jay's time in the war, and more specifically what he dealt with after, just wasn't something he talked about. Every once in a while, he'd make an offhand comment that let Erin know that he had dealt with some of his own PTSD after returning home, but any questions that Erin had asked in the past had always been avoided and left unanswered. He'd brush the moment aside, or he'd complain that talking about it would just bum everyone out. After a while, Erin had just learned to not inquire about his military history. Then, days like this happened.

"He seemed so wrecked by their deaths." Jay spoke quietly. Erin looked up at him, but his gaze was fixed on his drink. "I just didn't get how he could have been involved and so devastated at the same time."

Erin nodded in agreement, "I talked to Dr. Charles a bit. He said it was probably some sort of trauma thing?" She tried to recall the exact term. "Disassociation or something like that?" Erin shrugged, "When Aaron was with you, talking about his family, all of that was real. He didn't remember or didn't connect himself to what had been done to his family. It was all just the effects of the PTSD."

"Bullshit!" Jay exploded. Erin looked at him startled at his outburst. "I was over there, too. I know what it was like and the kinds of things he saw…did. I came home and… yeah, I struggled here and there, but I never brought a gun to the head of the woman I loved or my own child." He lifted his glass and drained it, then he slammed it down on the table. Erin jumped a bit at the sound.

Erin wasn't sure how to proceed, "You know that people deal with things in different ways. What you went through wasn't necessarily the same as what he went through. Maybe something really bad happened to him." She tried to keep her voice soft. She wanted him to calm down, not be agitated further.

Jay's laugh was hollow. "You have no idea what I went through, Erin. Trust me. There is nothing he did that could be worse than what I did." Erin noted that his hands trembled a bit as he poured himself another drink.

Unable to control her reactions, not wanting to see him hurt, Erin reached across the table and laid her hand gently on Jay's. She stroked his hand softly, "Whatever you did, it was for a reason, Jay. We've all done things in the course of our jobs that don't line up with what we believe in our hearts. You shouldn't feel guilty for anything you did." Her gaze was soft and understanding when he finally looked at her.

His eyes burned with pain, he shook his head, "Erin, if you even knew half of what I did, you wouldn't even want to be in the same room as me." His voice was rough, and she thought he truly believed what he said.

"That's not true," Erin quickly retorted. "I've got a past, too. There's plenty of times from my younger years… and not so younger years that shame me to no end. I don't even have the excuse of 'I was following orders' to claim. I was just a fuck up who fucked up all over the place."

"Well, then we both are just reprehensible."

"No, we are not." Erin forced his hand open, and wrapped it up in hers. There had been many times in her life that she actually might have agreed with him. Times when she felt like her existence was a mistake. He had been one of the ones who taught her that is wasn't true. That her past was her past, and it was the present that made you who you were. "We spend every single day trying to make this city, this world, a better and safer place."

"We are failing," he replied dejectedly.

"You have saved dozens of people over the years…hundreds. The criminals we've taken off the streets. That has to count for something."

Erin could see that Jay was fighting to keep it together. His eyes were glassy, both from the drink and the tears he was fighting to keep in. Knowing nothing was going to pull him out of his funk, she made a decision. "It's late. Why don't we get you in bed?l"

She saw something flash in Jay's eyes, just a bit of lightness. He cocked an eyebrow up at her. "You want to get me in bed?" The hand she was holding suddenly felt hot. His fingers slightly stroked her palm sending flares of awareness throughout her body. It amazed her how quickly the sexual tension between them could flare up.

She rolled her eyes and pushed her chair back, grabbing his other hand and trying to pull him up. " _You_ are going to bed. It's been a long, couple days, and you have drunk way too much." Jay reluctantly stood, still holding her hands. He swayed a bit on his feet, lending credence to Erin's statement. Erin just wanted him get some rest. She was worried about him taking too much of this case on his shoulders. She was hoping he'd wake up in the morning with fresh eyes. They stood there, close, for a few moments. He looked down at her, swaying closer, and she could feel his warm breath on face. Erin allowed herself to remain in the moment for a few seconds, their eyes not breaking contact. She could fall under the spell of those blue eyes so easily. Finally, she regained her will, and broke the spell. Dropping one hand, she turned away from his gaze.

Jay allowed Erin to lead him down the short hall towards his bedroom. Once there, she turned to tell him she was going to crash on the couch, but was stunned when he quickly moved in and pressed his lips down onto hers. His arms wrapped around her, holding her firmly against his body as his lips captured her mouth. Erin responded automatically, her arms wrapping around his neck, to pull him closer to her. Their lips danced and slid against each other, sparks flying. Erin tried to think clearly, but the buzz of her drink, mixed in with the intoxication of Jay, allowed her to push all reasonable thoughts aside and get lost in his touch. His hands roamed her body pulling her flush against his, her softness fitting into his hardness perfectly.

She tasted the whiskey on his breath, but more than that, she tasted the desperation of his emotions. She knew the feeling. That desperate need to reconnect with someone to prove that you are alive. That you can feel something other than pain. A rational part of Erin knew that they were dancing on a slippery slope. Their break up was just two months old, and getting past it had been torturous. Erin knew that indulging in this night of comfort would likely bring all the old feelings to the surface, but at this moment, she didn't care. She loved Jay, that hadn't changed or even dissipated, over their months apart. If anything, their separation had caused her to realize how precious their time together had been. Having even one more night with this man was better than never feeling the touch of his hands or the feel of his lips against hers again. She hadn't known that the last time they ever made love was going to be the end. If tonight was all she was going to have, she was going to make the most of it. Plus, knowing the pain and guilt he feeling, she just wanted to offer any type of comfort she could. Consequences be damned.

Clothes were quickly shed, and within minutes, Erin laid in his bed, with Jay balanced on his elbows above her. He bent down nipping her neck, running his hot mouth along her neck, before kissing her tenderly on the lips. The light touch of his lips sent goosebumps across her heated skin. Erin wasn't sure if it was from the cool night air or the gentle brush of his touch. She craved more. She needed more.

"Are you sure?" he softly whispered. Her body undulated wantonly under his, and the desire in her eyes was as evident as Jay's, but he still asked.

Erin could only see the shadows of his face in the darkened bedroom, but she didn't need to view his eyes clearly, to know what she would see. Even half drunk, and filled with grief and pain, he was still just an decent guy, willing to stop everything if she changed her mind. Instead of bothering with a response, Erin just pulled his head down to hers, letting her lips do the talking. After kissing him soundly, she rolled him over to take control. Once on top, she set out to explore the edges and planes of his muscled torso. Her fingers dancing appreciatively over the skin she had missed, her lips following their path Jay couldn't handle the teasing any longer, and flipped them back over to take back control. As their passion began to build, their lovemaking got bit sloppy, partially attributed to their drinking and partially due to months of not being allowed to touch each other. Finally, they could hold off no longer, they each found their release and collapsed to the bed breathless.

For several minutes, only the sound of their labored breathing steadying was heard in the bedroom. As she listened to Jay's breaths become more even and deeper, Erin questioned if maybe he had fallen asleep. She hesitated to even say anything. She just wasn't quite ready for the spell in this room to be broken. She estimated almost ten minutes went by before he moved. Then, just as suddenly as when he had first kissed her, Jay reached out and pulled her close and tight up against his body. Erin lay motionless for a moment, before relaxing in his embrace. She felt his lips brush her hair in a kiss. One of his hands caressed the nape of her neck softly, his light fingers running up and down the sensitive area. She tried to ignore the awareness she always felt at his touch. Erin allowed herself to gently stroke Jay's back in a gesture meant to soothe. They laid in each other's arms for minutes, their breaths and heartbeats the only sounds in the bedroom.

"There was this kid one time, Kahmir" Jay's voice was low next to her ear. In the darkness, she couldn't see his face, but his voice told her his emotions were still running high "Must have been only 11 or 12. He used to hang around the Army camps." Erin heard Jay give a small chuckle. "I remember Mouse and I would kick the ball around with him. He was such a quick study, and was doing trick shots in no time. It was fun, you know. Not much is fun out there. Having a few minutes here and there with laughter is sometimes the highlight of the week. He was such a funny kid."

Erin didn't know where Jay was going with this story, but she knew it wasn't going to end well. He rarely shared stories from his time in the Army Rangers. She gently caressed his back as he continued his story. She hoped the calming patterns she traced would encourage him to continue. "It had been a few weeks since I had seen him. We'd been out of camp a lot that week. I had spent days out on a desolate mountainside charged to take down this high level terrorist. Early one morning, I finally have the guy. Was lining up my shot, and then I see him. Playing with our freakin' soccer ball. Turns out Kahmir's the target's son." Erin could feel the tension increase in Jay as he had continued the story. With his face pressed so close to her, she could feel the set of his jaw as he fought controlling his emotions. "As an Army Ranger, you follow orders. It's your job. Somebody higher up than you makes the decisions." Erin heard Jay's voice break as he kept talking. "You follow orders-it's your job-it's not you-its orders."

Her heart broke as she realized what must have happened. The shaking of Jay's shoulders told her he was silently crying. Erin was almost moved to tears herself. She had never seen Jay so vulnerable. She had seen him filled with love and compassion, but never this naked vulnerability.

She brushed kisses along his neck and shoulder as she continued to stroke his back. "Shhh, shhh," she murmured. "It's okay."

Jay's body went rigid, and he started to pull away, "It's not okay though. That's just one time, Erin. I could tell you over a dozen stories like that. Most of them too horrid for me to even dream of actually sharing with you."

Erin held onto Jay as he tried to release her, "Maybe you can, but you survived. You are here and you made it through." She wanted him to see all the good he had done over the years. How many lives he'd saved.

Pushing her off him, with just a little more force than she'd have preferred, he lay on his back, arms crossed over his chest. "Did I really make it out okay, Erin? Cause I feel like my life is pretty fucked up." He rolled his head to stare at her, "I can't keep a relationship going. I work a job dealing with the scum of the earth, and actually can connect with them better than any normal people. I barely sleep. My only friends are my coworkers. I can't talk about my past without falling apart. I'm like one step away from who Aden Harris became."

"Jay! Knock it off." Erin leaned back in close to him, and cupped his cheek gently. "You are an amazing man. The best I have ever known. You are not a monster or killer."

Jay cut her off, "Oh, I'm definitely a killer. Did you not get the end of the Kahmir story?"

Erin didn't know how to respond. She felt there was probably nothing she could say. She'd been there before. After Nadia died, there was nothing anyone could say that could take away the guilt. Even if a rational part of her mind told her that what people were saying was the truth, she couldn't accept it and didn't want to hear it.

If words weren't enough to make him see how important he was to her, she would try to use the only thing he seemed open to at the moment. She leaned close and brushed her lips against his again. He laid still for a moment, as her lips tried to tease his open. She knew he was fighting his body's natural reaction to her, but like she had never been able to resist his touch, he too, felt the pull. His mouth finally opened under her pressure, and his hands lifted her from his side to on top of him. Her hair cascaded around them as they once again got lost in each other. This time, their touch was slow and languid. Favorite spots were caressed and teased as they relearned each other's bodies. The vulnerability from their discussion bleeding into their actions. Passion built up slowly until they were once again overcome with it.

 **Review, review... I have the next chapter almost done.**

 **P.S. To the reviewers who keep asking about the epilogue for Disconnect, I have written it twice, but I don't like it. I can't seem to tie up all the loose ends in one chapter. I may end up writing a full length sequel instead when I'm done with Complications. Be patient**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks again for the quick reviews. I am obsessed with writing this story. More than my real life can handle almost.**

Erin rolled over in the bed, slightly disoriented for a second before she remembered where she was. A slight smile crossed her lips. Despite the night being full of emotional highs and lows, she still felt that intense connection back with Jay. He'd been so vulnerable and open about his past. Previously, it had seemed it was always Jay being her rock, her support system. So few times in their relationship had Jay let her be the strong one. Being there for him, made Erin truly felt they had taken a step forward. There had been a level of intimacy and vulnerability between them that was new. Maybe that had been something she was missing in the relationship that she didn't even realize she needed. She didn't know what the future held, but she really didn't think that walking away from each other was an option at this point. They clearly needed each other. They were stronger together, and supporting each other just came naturally.

Her hand slid over the space beside her, reaching for him, and she was disappointed to find it not only empty but cold. Sniffing the morning air, she caught the scent of coffee. She slipped out of the bed, grabbing Jay's shirt from the night before, pulling it over her head as she padded quietly down the hallway toward the kitchen and the alluring smell of coffee. Jay sat at the kitchen table, his head resting downward in his hands, a cup of coffee sat on the table in front of him. Smiling, Erin slipped up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck and bending down to give his cheek a kiss.

Erin felt him immediately tense. She hoped he was just surprised, that she had startled him, but when he turned to look at her, she was disturbed by what she saw. Dark shadows rimmed hollow looking eyes. There was absent-like feeling to his gaze. He met her eyes for only a second before shrugging out of her embrace and standing. "Coffee?" he asked as moved across the small kitchen to the coffee pot plugged in on the counter.

Erin nodded, "Yeah, Sure." She leaned up against the kitchen table and watched Jay as he pulled down a mug and filled it. Despite her unease, she smiled as he added a few spoonful's of sugar to it and a splash of cream. He knew her so well. "Have you been up long?" she asked. Looking at his face she questioned if he'd ever even slept at all. After their second round last night, Erin only kind of remembered him whispering that he was going to take a shower. She knows she heard the water running, but she must have fallen asleep before he returned to bed. If he ever had.

"Yeah, I caught few hours." His voice was rough, and Erin didn't think he was being truthful. He also wasn't meeting her eyes, even as he delivered her drink.

"Thanks," she replied. He leaned back against the kitchen counter and sipped his own drink. His eyes were downcast and despite there being only four feet between them, it felt like miles. Erin was disappointed. She thought they had made some progress last night. With him opening up about some of his time in the army, she felt like they had gotten closer. She had hoped that maybe they might be able to figure out a way to make things work. He knew most her demons, but he kept his locked away. Getting that peek into his mind, had made her want to be strong for him. She wanted to stand by him no matter what. Now, what that actually meant for their future…Erin wasn't sure. Looking at his body language, Erin didn't have a clue what he was thinking. Mainly the vibe she was getting off him was that he pretty much wished she wasn't there.

Biting the bullet, she spoke up, "You think last night was a mistake?"

His eyes flew up to meet hers, then just as quickly darted away. "We were both feeling emotional. Almost dying and all."

"We were supporting each other, being there for each other."

Jay just acknowledged her comment with a shrug.

Erin began, "You said some stuff-"

Jay interrupted her, "I was pretty drunk, Erin. I don't even really remember much."

Erin bit her lip in frustration. Yeah, he had been drinking last night. They both had, but he certainly hadn't been blackout drunk. She gritted her teeth, "I don't regret it. We care about each other, and when one of us is hurting, we are there for each other. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing for us to sleep together before talking things out, but I don't regret it at all."

She saw his eyes narrow a bit, his voice was hard. "Last night wasn't about us getting back together."

"I just thought…" she looked around in frustration, "I don't know. I thought we came to an understanding. You opened up a bit-"

"Last night was just a sex-with-an-ex situation, Erin." The look he gave her was so unlike the Jay she knew, that Erin took a step back involuntarily. "Don't read more into it than it was." His tone was harsh.

Despite the coldness and hardness in his eyes, she knew that he was just hurting and covering his pain and grief with anger. Erin tried to think of how to reason with him. "You know that wasn't what it was. We care about each other. We love each other." She gestured between them, "You and I have always been there for each other. When things were good and especially when things sucked. And right now, it actually sucks a lot, but pushing me away isn't actually going to make anything better."

Jay just looked at her. She could see the dejected look on his face. She could sense he was giving up. His voice had a tone of hopelessness, "You were right all along, Erin. I don't know what I was thinking wanting to get married or even considering bringing a kid into this world. It's a fucked up world and we deal with the worst of it. With your past and my history, there is no way our lives together would be anything but a disaster."

Erin tilted her head in confusion, "You don't mean that…" she softly started.

"Yeah, I do." Jay quickly retorted. "That guy, he was just like me. He thought he could come back home, pretend all the stuff he did over there didn't matter. That the death and destruction that he committed in the name of his country weren't on his own personal shoulders. That he could have _the wife, the kids, the house._ " Jay's voice was more bitter and cold than Erin had ever heard in her life from him. "He couldn't, and I shouldn't." He tossed her a cold look, " _We won't._ Go home, Erin." His words were cold and sounded final.

Erin stared at him shocked by his harsh words. It's not like she wanted to get married and have kids. She'd made her opinion on the matter quite clear, but hearing the ugly words come out of Jay's mouth sounded unbelievable to her. "You don't mean that."

Jay laughed harshly. "I am agreeing with everything you said last month. Marriage is a sham. Kids are a mistake. There is no point to any of it. What don't you get? I am saving you, Erin. I am saving you from having to experience what Aden Harris's wife did. I am saving our child from being the victim of his father's decisions."

"That would never happen, Jay." Erin shook her head. He was talking nonsense. There was no world in which Jay could harm someone he loved.

"Did you really things were going to be different after last night, Erin? You show up here, wanting to get drunk and do anything to make me feel better. So yeah, I took advantage of that. I felt better for a few hours. Thanks. But now, you should go."

Erin just stood in the middle of his kitchen, disbelief pulsing through her. Suddenly realizing she was half naked in the middle of the kitchen of a man who clearly no longer wanted anything to do with her, she felt embarrassed. It didn't matter that she knew he was just dealing with pain, she still felt humiliated.

"You know how to hurt me, Jay. I'll give you that. Just know I still believe in you. Even if you don't believe in yourself… or us." Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

Jay just stared at her. His eyes void of emotion his stance indifferent. "You have work. I am pretty sure Voight doesn't want me there today. I know I sure has hell don't want to be there." He turned his back to her and refilled his coffee cup, then sat at his kitchen table, his back to her.

Erin nodded, her lips pursed together. She had been dismissed. Numbly she stumbled back to the bedroom, finding her pants, she quickly shimmied into them and sat on the bed to slip on her shoes. It wasn't until she saw the splash of tears on her boots that she realized she was crying.

She got up and walked over to the mirror. She barely recognized the woman in front of her. This is what heartbreak looked like, she thought to herself. She had thought that it hurt when they broke up, but nothing compared to this. One thing that she had always believed was that they loved each other. The man she had loved would have never spoken to her this way. Splashing some cold water on her face, she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. Taking a steadying breath, she raised her chin up a bit. Maybe she had made mistake, falling back into bed with Jay and believing that they might find a way to be together. But she still had her pride. She wasn't going to let him make her feel bad about herself or her decisions.

Walking back out into the bedroom, Erin slipped into her jacket that she found on the floor. She swiped her shirt off the dresser where it had landed last night. Not wanting to take the time to change out of Jay's shirt, she just wadded it up into a ball. She took a deep breath, and then headed into the living room. Glancing down the hall toward the kitchen, she could see Jay's slumped back, head once again resting in his hands. Despite everything, she felt the pull towards him once again. She wondered if she ever wouldn't. In her heart, she really didn't think he meant anything he said. He was just trying to hurt her enough to push her away. She knew the signs of someone self-destructing. Hell, she'd done it herself last year. She just wasn't going to sacrifice her self-esteem to save him. Grabbing her purse off the end table, she shoved her shirt inside. As she slipped out the door, she gave one last glance back towards Jay. She'd have to find a different way to help him. One that didn't involve her bruised heart.

 **Don't hate me! I love Jay…like seriously, he is my favorite character. I have almost always written him as the caring one who is trying to make Erin see the light. I started this story the same way, but had this twist planned where it will be more Erin as the person in the relationship who doesn't want to give up on them and their relationship. A few people have wanted me to write from Jay's perspective, but I don't plan to. I usually switch back and forth, but wanted to stick with Erin through this story. You'll understand why later.**


	8. Chapter 8

Kim, Sylvie, and Erin sat on Erin's couch snacking on pizza and wine, watching the finale of some reality dating competition. Erin had zero interest in the outcome of the show, but Sylvie and Kim had gushed about the finale when they all converged at the hospital regarding a case this morning. Erin had stood by the two debated the merits of each of the male contestants left in the running. She still wasn't quite sure how she had gone from thinking about how Kim and Sylvie needed to find more respectable shows to watch, to somehow getting corralled into hosting a viewing.

"Thanks for bringing dinner. This pizza is delicious." Erin remarked to Kim as she slipped another piece of the pizza onto her paper plate. The show might suck, but the dinner was certainly on point.

"Thanks for hosting girl's night." Kim replied. The girls toasted with their wine glasses, and Sylvie and Kim resumed their earlier debate over the two remaining contestants. Erin let her mind wander a bit, as she could care less about the show. She was just trying to enjoy spending a little down time with friends.

Erin had always considered herself amicable with other women on the force, but truthfully she had usually spent her off time with the guys. More specifically with Jay. With them avoiding each other, and some of that uncomfortableness rubbing off on the team, Erin had had tried to open her mind to being more friendly with some of the women on the outskirts of her life. Jules had probably been the last female police officer that she actually felt close, too. Over the last year, Burgess had started to come to her more and more for advice, and Erin had suddenly realized that some of the younger patrol officers actually looked to her as a role model. Erin thought that was ridiculous, but she realized that her time in Intelligence, even her recruitment to the Federal task force, had made a few women who had similar aspirations look up to her. Allowing herself to be pulled into "girls night" situations made her feel slightly uncomfortable, let's be real, extremely uncomfortable, but at the same time refreshing. Hearing the girls gossip about their lives and guys, made her realize that everyone had their own relationship dramas.

Erin set her paper plate of pizza down for a second, as the phone that sat in her lap buzzed. Glancing at the message, she sent off a quick response. She was unable to hide her grin after reading the almost instantaneous response. Reaching back for her pizza, she was startled to find two sets of eyes staring at her appraisingly. "What?" she asked.

"Who is texting you?" Kim inquired, a suspicious look on her face.

Erin glared at the two, "Nobody important." She tried to keep the smile off her face, but she knew she failed.

The two exchanged knowing glances. Sylvie spoke up, "Is it Jay?"

The smile immediately dropped from her face. "Ah, no. It's not Jay."

It was most definitely not Jay. Things had gone from bad to worse between them since their "incident" last month. It was all work between them, and even that was strained. They still somehow worked efficiently as partners investigating cases, but the moments in between were painful. Hours spent in silence during stakeouts. At one point, Jay had attempted to apologize for his harsh words that morning, but Erin wasn't interested.

They'd been two hours into a warehouse stakeout, two hours of almost constant silence, when suddenly he had blurted out. "It was a hard case, Erin."

Confused, thinking he was talking about their current case, she had turned to him questioningly, "What?"

"Last week." He kept his eyes forward, and she could tell he hadn't even wanted to meet her gaze, "You know, that night."

"Oh!" Erin turned back away from him. It had been almost a week since 'that night,' and Erin just didn't know how she was feeling about Jay at that point. She cared about him so much, but he'd also hurt her. She tried to rationalize that his pain from the case, it connections to Jay's own past, and just the general chaos of their own relationship, were the cause for his harsh words and actions toward her. It didn't completely matter though. The words were said, and now hung between them.

"We're just a bad-" Jay began.

Erin interrupted, "Let it go, Jay."

"I'm just sorry that- "

"Forget it. I don't want to talk about it." Erin slumped down in her seat. She really didn't have any desire to talk about it. She wasn't sure what you say to an ex that you are still professionally involved with, who you know is struggling, but doesn't want your help. She tried to think about how Jay dealt with her own hole she'd dug for herself last year. He'd gotten kidnapped and that had knocked some sense into her. Erin didn't think that was an option though. She wasn't planning on getting herself kidnapped and beaten just to make Jay think straight.

What really worried her was that their relationship wasn't the only part of Jay's life that had been spiraling. Things had continued to disintegrate between him and Voight. Jay's behavior had been erratic and volatile on investigations since the Harris case. Voight had little faith in Jay's judgement, and Jay just continued to prove Voight right by making reckless and risky decisions. Twice he'd ended up with visits to the ER. Once with a busted lip that had needed stiches, and another time with a dislocated shoulder. Erin had tried to stay out of it, leaving the pep talks to Olinksy and Dawson. Erin knew that if Jay wasn't careful, he was going to be booted out of Intelligence. Voight had his own anger issues he was dealing with, and had little tolerance for Jay at the moment.

Realizing that Sylvie and Kim were still looking expectantly at her, she shrugged, "What?"

Kim gave her a sly look, "Well, whomever has been texting you all night certainly seems to put a smile on your face."

Erin denied the claim, "That is not true." Almost on cue, her phone buzzed. Glancing down as the message flashed on the screen, a chuckle fell from her lips.

Sylvie reached out and swiped the phone from Erin's hands and passed it quickly to Kim who was sitting beside her. "Hey!" Erin protested.

Looking at the name on the phone, Kim gasped, her mouth dropping open in surprise. "Evan? As in Hottie Detective from the 28th, Evan?"

Erin narrowed her eyes, "Yes, _Detective_ Garcia."

"Ooooh! I introduced the two of you a few months ago," Sylvie leaned over Kim's shoulder, as the former was scrolling through the list of messages. "Wow! Hottie Detective has got a crush on you."

Erin leaned around Sylvie to snatch her phone back, "Thanks for the privacy."

Kim grinned at her, "Hey, don't be embarrassed. He is hot!" A slightly odd look crossed her face, "I just didn't know, you know, that you were dating." Erin knew what Kim was trying to say. She didn't realize Erin had moved on from Jay.

"Well, listen up you two school girls, I am _not_ dating Evan." It was true. They weren't dating. Although he was persistent. A few weeks after the Jay incident, she'd bumped into him again at Molly's. His teasing and flirting had continued, and in a weak moment, Erin had relented and given him her number. She had made it very clear to him that she wasn't interested in dating, having just got out of a relationship. Friendship was all she was offering. Now, their relationship mainly consisted of daily texts full of humor, flirting (on his part) and snarky comments. Erin would be amiss to deny that she looked forward to them. Anything that added a bit of levity to her life was appreciated at the moment.

Sylvie gave Erin a serious look, "Well you should." She exchanged another glance with Kim, who nodded agreeably.

Kim spoke cautiously, "It's time for you to move on, Erin. You've been so sad and seem so lonely. It's been like three months. Maybe it's time to get back out there?"

Erin blinked back the sting of tears that always threated whenever she thought of moving on. For some reason, she could handle not being with Jay. That wasn't easy, but she could handle it. The idea of actually moving on, having a life without him, that was what brought tears to her eyes. Imagining that she might ever love someone else was…unimaginable. Why bother dating, knowing it wasn't going to meet the standard for love that she knew existed?

Erin looked at the girls and shrugged lightly, "I can't. I still…" Erin didn't finish he sentence. She didn't want to vocalize what she was feeling.

"You don't have to fall in love, Erin. Just go have dinner with a nice guy." Sylvie advised lightly. "He knows you are just getting over something."

Erin sighed, as she let her eyes move from her friends to the television screen that still was showing a farce of romance with roses being handed out to attention seeking reality stars. Would it really hurt? Evan did make her laugh. He knew she wasn't looking to get involved, but he was still adamant in his pursuit of her. Could one night out really be that bad?

Giving her friends one more annoyed look, she looked back down at her phone. Texting out a quick message, she stared at the screen, impatiently waiting for a response. After only a few seconds, she received the predicted response.

She glared back at Kim and Sylvie, "Happy? I have a date tomorrow with Hottie Detective." Both squealed with delight, "Seriously? Are you two, like, fifteen year olds?"

Sylvie leaned over and gave her a quick hug, "We just want to see you happy," she said sincerely.

Kim leaned in, "Actually, I want to find out if Evan is as good of kisser as I have imagined him to be. His smile is so cute, and he's so confident. I just imagine in bed he'd probably- "

"Stop!" Erin laughed, throwing a pillow at Kim. "Just stop! I'm not sleeping with him, or kissing him. It's just dinner. Just to get me out of this funk."

Once again the girls exchanged knowing glances, Sylvie whispered to Kim, "She should totally sleep with him. _That_ would get her out of her funk."

"Oh yeah, he's totally doable. She'd be an idiot to not go there." Kim agreed.

"I'm right here." Erin interrupted their whispered conversation.

Sylvie slid her eyes to her, "We know. We just don't care."

Erin rolled her eyes, "Shut up! Let's just watch this stupid show and leave my love life alone." The girls all laughed, but redirected their attention to the show.

Erin let out a shaky breath. She couldn't believe that she just did that. She wasn't normally impulsive, and had no idea what compelled her to shut up the girls' teasing with the text to Evan. She hadn't actually been that surprised when he'd immediately accepted her invite for dinner the next night. He'd hadn't hidden his interest, and Erin hoped he really understood that she wasn't looking for something serious. Erin gave a quick glance down at her phone. A part of her wanted nothing more than to grab it and cancel, but there was a part of her that was excited. She actually felt the twinge of butterflies in her stomach over the date. Settling back into the couch, she let herself get lost in some mindless television, letting her mind focus on someone else sham of a love life.

….

Erin smiled politely at Evan as they sat across from each other. They had agreed to meet at a fish house about halfway between their respective places. So far, he'd been charming and funny, and hot (She'd have to let Kim know that he really did clean up nice.) The only probably was that she just felt wrong. Like she was cheating on Jay just by being here. Her eyes kept sweeping the restaurant as if he or someone they knew were going to catch her.

"So, it ends up that they guy's identical twin brother really had set him up to take the fall for the murder." Evan finished his story and looked at Erin expectantly.

"Uh, hmmm." Erin nodded in acknowledgment.

Evan dropped the smile, "Seriously? That's all I get?" He looked at her in disbelief. "That story usually gets a little more than just a hmmmmm."

Erin grimaced, "I'm sorry. It was an interesting story. California. Sounds crazy." She tried to perk up her side of the conversation. "Have any cases with famous people?" She tried to smile brightly.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Erin, why'd you ask me out tonight?"

Erin felt guilt flash across her face, "Because I wanted to go out with you."

He shook his head lightly, "No. I mean I'm not saying you don't like me, but I've gone on dates with girls who _want_ to go out with me. They usually pay a bit more attention to me than you have."

Erin gave him a dismissive look, "You expected me to hang all over your every word? Not really into that."

His face grew serious for a moment, "No. I'm not into that, either. But I kind of like it when the girl I'm into gives me a little of her attention. You _did_ ask _me_ here tonight."

Erin let out a shaky sigh, "I know. I'm sorry. I thought that I was, you know, ready for all this, but maybe I'm not. This might have been a bad idea."

"Do you need me to kick his ass?" Evan's eyes lit up at the idea.

Erin laughed, "Who my ex? No. You don't need to kick Jay's ass. We, uh, we had a fairly mutual break up." Erin didn't feel that was completely a lie. Their original break up had been cordial. The subsequent collapse of their relationship had been messy. He probably did need a good ass kicking, but not like Evan meant.

"Okay, then do I need to worry about him trying to kick my ass?" Evan had a teasing tone to his voice, but she could sense the underlying question. Was her ex-boyfriend still into her?

Erin shook her head, "No, he's good. He wants me to be happy." Erin said, and she wondered if Evan could hear the sadness in her voice. She tried to push the thoughts of Jay out of her mind.

Evan looked at her thoughtfully, "You're partners, right?"

Erin nodded cautiously. "You run a background check on me or something?" She knew this was going to be a touchy situation for most people she dated in the future. How do you explain that you still spend 12 hours a day with your ex?

Evan acknowledged her comment, "Well I was a little curious about the smart beautiful detective that would barely give me the time of day. Had to ask around and get the 4-1-1."

Erin rolled her eyes. She hated knowing that people gossiped about her and Jay. This was why she had hesitated even getting involved with him in the beginning. Their relationship was nobody's business but theirs. She threw Evan an expectant look, "And? What did your sources report?"

Sensing her sharp tone, he just shrugged. "Not much. Just that you were involved with your partner, and then people said you broke up. Seemed to be a surprise for most people."

Erin bit her lip in thought. Yeah, it had surprised her, too. "Well, it's no big story. We dated, then we didn't."

He gave her dubious look, "But…you are still cool as partners?"

Erin nodded agreeably, "Yeah, I'm mean, our boss wouldn't have it any other way. If he thought we were being unprofessional, he'd have both our heads." Erin noticed that Evan's eyes lit up a bit at her words. "What?" she questioned.

Evan gave her a sly look, "Your boss is Hank Voight, right?" Erin nodded. "And he's also your…dad?" Erin could tell that the rumor mill had probably been more active when it came to discussing her and Hank over her and Jay. But it was another topic of conversation that she just wasn't interested in diving into.

Erin took a deep breath. "Yeah, he's like a dad to me. Took me in at fifteen." She placed her hands on the dinner table, "Listen. I'm all for getting to know you and all, but honestly, talking about my ex-boyfriend and boss on a date is not really all that interesting. Can we change the subject?"

The investigative look that Evan had taken during his "interrogation" dropped, and it was replaced by a quick grin. "I can do that. Let's talk baseball." Erin raised her eyebrows at the quick change of topic. "I'm new to Chicago, and realize this is a bit of touchy subject with locals, Sox or Cubs?"

An hour later, Erin felt pretty relaxed as they walked out of the restaurant and headed towards the parking lot. Despite her early reservations, Erin had actually had a nice time. Evan was a chatty date, and had many amusing stories to share about his time in California. He also sprinkled in a dose of his Minnesota roots, and Erin found herself reluctantly being charmed by him. He was funny, flirty, and just plain easy to be around. There were no complications, no expectations. She wasn't disappointing him. It was…nice. Not to mention, he really was pretty hot.

As they slowly strolled, Erin couldn't help but think that maybe she could do this. Have dinner with a nice guy, engage in pleasant conversation, say good night, and then do it again. It felt like it had been ages since she had just 'dated' someone. Her and Jay had more fell into their relationship. They had known each other inside and out before their first kiss. They'd never had that awkward first date. As she looked up into Evan relaxed face, she realized it was kind of fun getting to know someone.

They lingered by her car for a moment, and Erin recognized from his body language that he was thinking about kissing her. He had angled his body towards hers. His eyes kept drifting to her mouth as they discussed other restaurants in the neighborhood that he had tried since moving to Chicago. His eyes were looking soft, and he had liked his lips a few times. Not that she was staring at his lips or anything. Erin's heart was beating rapidly, but she couldn't figure out from what. Was she excited about the possibility of kissing him, or was she afraid? Or maybe a bit of both?

"Stop thinking about it." He suddenly spoke bluntly.

"Huh?" Erin responded confused. She met his eyes with alarm.

She could see the laughter in his eyes, even in the dimly lit parking lot. "You are thinking about whether or not I am going to kiss you."

Embarrassed, Erin shook her head. "No. I'm not. I'm just think-" She was cut off as he darted forward and pressed a firm kiss to her lips. His hands remained by his side, as he just let the warmth of this lips brush against hers.

Almost as quickly as he had moved in, he pulled back, a smug smile on his face. "There. Now you don't have to think about it anymore."

Erin stood, slightly stunned by his action. She tried to figure out how she felt. The chaste kiss had been over so quickly; she wasn't quite sure how to feel. Meeting his eyes, she noticed a challenging look in his eyes. She knew he was putting the next move into her hands. Kiss him back or don't. It was up to her.

Sucking up her courage, she leaned up on her toes, wrapped her hand around his neck, and pulled his mouth down to hers. This time the kiss heated up quickly. Their mouths met, and their kiss deepened. He leaned into her, and Erin stumbled backwards, her back bumping into her car, as he pressed his body firmly into hers. She could feel the heavy weight of body pressing into the softness of hers. His hands reached up to tangle in her hair, and he angled his lips more firmly against hers, his tongue teasing her, begging entrance to her mouth. Erin consented, but within seconds of the contact, it was like a cold bucket of ice being poured onto her.

Erin quickly broke the contact, and wretched herself out of his arms. They both stood for a moment, gasping for breath. Evan looked at her worriedly. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Erin looked at him. It had just suddenly felt so wrong. He tasted wrong, his lips moved wrong, the rhythm of their kiss, his hands. Everything was wrong. She looked up at his confused look, "I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me."

He took a step back. "Okay," he cautiously began. He raised his hands up as he backed away. "I'm not into forcing anything. I just thought…" He shrugged, "You kissed me, and it seemed like you were into it."

"I was!" Erin quickly responded, and then she sighed. "But I'm not." Running her hands through her hair at her own frustrating response. She threw up her hands in annoyance at herself. "I'm sorry for the mixed messages. I thought I was ready…you know, to move on." She shook her head sadly, "But I'm not, and it wouldn't be fair to use you."

Evan gave a nod of acceptance, "I get it." Flashing his trademark grin he tilted his head at her, "Although, if you just need to use someone, I'm okay with that."

Erin gave his arm a light punch in the shoulder, "Stop. You deserve more than someone who's heart is still with someone else."

Evan's eyes grew serious for a moment, "I can tell he hurt you. I can still kick his ass if you want me, too."

Erin felt sad. Why couldn't she just move on from Jay? Here was a cute, charming, guy, who clearly was into her. Why couldn't she just go with it? She quickly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Evan in a quick hug. She whispered into his ear, "I think you are really good guy."

When Erin pulled back, Evan reached for her hand. He brought it up to his lips, and he placed a lingering kiss to it. "When you change your mind, or decide you are ready, give me a call."

She smiled back doubtfully, "You are not the type of guy to wait around."

He shrugged his shoulders, "Some things are worth waiting for."

Erin's eyes grew serious. "I'm not, Evan. Don't wait for me to be something I'm not. Trust me. Other people have made that mistake before." She thought back over her and Jay's relationship. She wondered how long he would have been willing to wait for her. If she had told him, that maybe someday, she'd want to have kids. Would he have thought she was worth waiting indefinitely for? Would the Harris case have had such an impact on him if they'd been together, supporting each other through it?

Sensing the mood had shifted, Evan squeezed her hand. "Friends is good then. We don't have to wait for that."

Erin nodded distractedly. Her thoughts lost in the past and questions of the future. After quick good byes, Erin watched Evan walk away in her rear view mirror. She felt like she was always watching people in her life walk away. It hit her suddenly that she was usually the one asking them to go.

 **Thank you for reading. It has been a little hard to write Linstead the last week. As much as I love seeing TV Erin and Jay happy and love, it doesn't help the writing juices flow. I have a bit more story to tell in my fic before they can get to the place they are on screen. Thank you to those who are sticking with me. Review please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Hope you enjoy the newest installment. Sorry on the last chapter, I had a big editing error in the name of one of my characters. It's been fixed, and hopefully didn't throw too many people off.**

"Tell us the truth! Stop playing the 'I don't know nothin' game." Jay leaned across the rickety kitchen table towards the father of their victim.

Julio "JT" Hernandez just turned his head away at Jay's comment. "I _don't_ know nothing'"

The man sitting across from Jay was probably only a few years older than they were, but life had certainly worn on him. Deep lines from a hard life of drugs, drinking, and who knows what else, told the story of his life. His clear distaste for the police was evident, and Erin thought Jay was wasting his breath on trying to get the guy to tell them something. JT was a Latin King and probably had been since he was a young teen. Maybe he was married now, had kids, and didn't spend his days on the corner, but he was still a thug.

Jay was practically vibrating with rage, "Come on, man! Your own kid was gunned down in the street. Next to a school! You telling me no one around here saw anything? You don't know who he was hanging with?"

Erin and Jay knew full well, that sixteen-year-old "Little JT" was a full-fledged gang member. They just couldn't figure out if his murder was related to the gang's drug business, random, personal, retaliation, or maybe even to do with his father's past.

"I ain't got any idea what Little JT had goin' on. He was his own man. He didn't check in with his ol' man anymore." Hernandez crossed his arms and leaned back against his chair. He gave Jay an indifferent look.

Pissed, Jay pushed back his chair, the metal legs screeching loudly against the cracked tile floor. He stood up and towered over Hernandez trying to intimidate him. "He was your own son. You gonna let somebody shoot him in the head, leave him bleeding out on the sidewalk like trash."

Jay had struck a nerve, Hernandez stood slowly, pulling up to his full height. Him and Jay were eye to eye now. The set of Hernandez's jaw told what he thought of Jay's comment. "My boy wasn't no trash," he slowly spit out.

Liking that he had gotten a reaction from Hernandez, Jay egged him on, "Really? Are you sure? Nobody seems to care he's gone. Nobody is stepping up to point the finger anywhere? Why is that?" Hernandez's nostrils flared and his breathing was becoming ragged. He looked as if he was going deck Jay, but Jay didn't seem to care as he continued, "Maybe nobody's pointing the finger cause it was you! Did you take out your own son?"

Hernandez's eyes bulged with rage, "You think I done this to my own kid?" He yelled into Jay's face.

Not backing down, Jay shrugged, "Maybe. I mean you probably jumped him into the gang yourself. He's young, he's tough. Maybe he was rising faster than you ever did." Hernandez took a step closer, the two men were chest to chest now, and both looked like they were about to strike.

Erin pushed herself off the kitchen wall, where she had been leaning and stepped forward. The two men were getting just a bit two heated for her liking. They were out here alone, deep in gang territory, and she had no desire to have to shoot her way out of the neighborhood.

She stepped forward and grabbed Jay's elbow, "Let's go. He's not going to give us anything."

Jay shrugged off her touch, "Come on, big man. You've got something to prove to me. Let's go."

Erin reached between them and physically inserted herself between the two men. "Jay, walk out of here." She looked imploringly at him, hoping he got that he needed to step back.

He gave her a hard look, before taking a few step back. "Some kind of father you are." He threw out the comment before stalking out of the kitchen door.

Erin gave Hernandez an apologetic look, "Sorry. If you do hear anything, please do give us a call."

He just gave her a disgusted look, "Bitch, get out of my house."

Erin sighed and followed the route Jay had taken to the car. She noted he was on the driver side, waiting impatiently for her to arrive since she had the keys. Not wanting to deal with another argument, she tossed the keys over the roof to him.

Within minutes they were flying through the neighborhood at break neck speed. "Jeez, slow down, will ya? I'd like to make it home for dinner in one piece."

Jay threw her a dirty look, "Whatever."

"What is your problem, Jay? You were way out of line with that guy!"

Hitting the brakes hard at a red light, Jay looked at her in disbelief, "I was out of line? He is a gangbanger. He's part of the scum that keeps Chicago down. What did you want me to do? Hold his hand?"

Erin allowed a bit of her own irritation to show through, "What happened to having a little bit of empathy for the victim, Jay? The man just lost his son."

Erin knew it was pretty much pointless to even discuss this with Jay. They'd had this conversation numerous times over the last month. He was constantly pissed off and irritated at everyone they interviewed. He certainly hadn't been making any friends on the streets of Chicago. Erin knew Jay was dealing with his own demon's, but she just didn't have an idea of how to reach him. How could she get past the anger and frustration that just poured off Jay. He never seemed to relax anymore. He rarely joked with the guys even. She knew 'her Jay' had to still be there somewhere, but nothing she'd tried seem to work.

Despite his anger, Jay had slowed to a reasonable rate of speed as they light turned green. Erin let out a slight sigh. She studied Jay's profile as he drove for a few moments. The set of his jaw and the rigid hold he had on the steering wheel told her he was anything but relaxed. She was just so worried about him.

"Stop staring at me. I'm fine." He suddenly announced, not bothering to even look at her.

Realizing he was aware of her concern, she decided to just put it out there. "Well, I am not sure about that. You seem different lately."

He let out a dramatic sigh, "I'm fine. Just do the job."

"I'd like to, but you make it hard." Erin responded.

"What's that supposed to mean. I do the job." He did turn to her now. Anger and disbelief clear on his face, this time directed at her.

Erin gritted her teeth, "You're hard to work with lately. Going off on victim families, getting in their faces. Being reckless on calls. I'm supposed to have your back, but you are running off half-cocked most the time."

He rolled his eyes, and glanced back at the road. "Give me a break, Erin. This isn't about the job. This is about us. You don't like that I made the decision this time, and now you are trying to find any way you can to control me."

Erin gave a laugh of disbelief, "Really, Jay? You think too much of yourself." Erin fumed on the inside. Yes, she was hurt by the end of their relationship. Yes, his words then and now bruised her heart, but her actions were all out of concern for his well-being. She wanted him to get better, get back to normal. Erin tried a different angle, "You know Dr. Charles really helped me out last year when I was having a hard time. Made me see things a bit more clearly."

Jay gave a derisive laugh, "A shrink? You think that because I don't want kids and marriage anymore, I need to see a therapist." He spared her a sideways look, "Uh, Erin. Don't you remember that it was you who said that it was for the best? Marriage and kids don't work in our kind of jobs. Why was if fine for you to have that point of view, but for me I need to 'see things more clearly' with the help of a shrink?'"

Erin jumped in, "I'm not talking about that, Jay. Feel how you want about us and all that. I mean about your mood swings."

They had arrived at the precinct and he slammed the car into park. Spinning around in his seat he gave her a cold look. "I don't need you telling me how to feel or how do my job. You don't want to have my back. Fine. Talk to Voight and get him to switch things up. I'm just over this." At that, he dropped the keys in her lap, got out of the car, and slammed it behind him.

Erin slumped in the passenger seat. She just couldn't get through to him. It seemed like every move she made, he just got angrier with her. She didn't want to give up on him, but he was making it hard. Erin thought maybe she'd make a stop in with Dr. Charles herself to see if he could give her some advice. Just because Jay wouldn't' go see him, didn't mean the doctor couldn't give her some insight into how she could help him.

Erin had been at her desk about a half hour when her and Jay had both been summoned into Voight's office.

"You want to explain to me why our victim's father is on the news claiming two of my detectives have accused him of murdering his own son?"

Erin slide a sideways glance at Jay. That'd been fast. News vans had littered the neighborhood since the shooting, Hernandez probably had just walked out his front door and started talking to the first reporter with a microphone. Erin stayed silent. If Jay wanted her to say out of it on the job, she was going to stay out of it in the office, too.

Voight's narrowed eyes glare drifted back and forth between the two. "Nothing?"

Jay shrugged, "We don't have any suspects."

Voight looked at him with interest, "You think the dad actually had a hand in this?"

Jay faltered a bit, "Well, no, but you know he has heard something about his son's shooting. No way the Latin Kings are in the dark on this."

Shaking his head, Voight leaned back. "The media in Chicago has been all over the police. You can't go out guns blazing on the dad. We don't need our case on the evening news." When Jay made face, Voight continued, "Lay off the dad."

Jay sprang up from his seat. "Are you kidding me? You! YOU are telling me to hold back? Are you forgetting that I know how you deal with things?" His sweeping look encompassed Erin and Voight.

Voight perked up at that, "You two got a problem?"

"No-" Erin reported.

"Maybe," Jay answered at the same time.

Erin looked at Jay in surprise, but he refused to meet her eyes and kept his eyes focused on Voight.

The narrow line of Voight's mouth, told her he was contemplating actually listening to Jay. "You don't want to be partnered with Lindsay anymore?" Voight's eyes skimmed back and forth between the two. Erin's heart dropped. She knew tension was high between them, and they had been bickering a lot, but she couldn't believe Jay was actually asking for a partner change.

Silence held the room. Jay just stared at Voight defiantly. "Do what you want." He spit out before stalking out of the room. Erin watched him go in shock. Voight nodded at her to shut the door.

After closing it, Erin sank back into her chair. She eyed Voight cautiously. She tried to keep a stone face. She didn't want her personal emotions spiraling this conversation out of control.

Voight nodded at her, "And what do you want?"

"We're fine. Just a rough case." Erin tried to blow off the situation with the wave of her hand.

Voight smacked his lips together in irritation. "It's been a month of hard cases for that guy. You said you could keep him in line."

Erin couldn't fight the sigh that came out. She used to know she could keep Jay in line. In the past all he needed was a hand on the shoulder or a softly spoken "Jay" and he would step back to regroup. Now she had physically put her herself in the way of a gangbanger, and he still hadn't backed down. "I'll talk to him."

Voight raised his eyebrows. "It doesn't seem like he's listening to you much these days."

She took a deep breath, "I'll talk to him." Erin firmly stated.

Giving her one last doubtful glance, he abruptly changed the subject, "How about you come to dinner tonight? You haven't been by the house in months. Olive and Daniel would love to see you."

Erin hesitated. It was true she had avoided the Voight household the last few months. Initially, she'd tried to be supportive of Olive and Daniel, but the tension between her and Voight as Crowley had closed in, had made family dinners just more and more awkward. Instead, she'd spent most her time with Jay. After their break up, she'd stayed away to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Realizing that she'd been neglecting her familial duties, she felt immediately guilty.

Erin gave what she hoped was a pleased smile, "Um, yeah. Dinner sounds great. How's Daniel?"

Voight's face lit up, "That boy is a wonder. He's gotten so big. Waddling around everywhere. I've had to baby proof the whole house."

Erin couldn't help but smile at Voight's joy. She knew how hard it had been on him to lose his wife. Now his son. He had to feel so alone. Daniel was the only thing he had left. "I can't wait to see him." She meant it, too. In all honesty, they were all she had, as well.

After a bit more chit chat, Erin left Voight's office. Erin noted Jay's empty desk, and a quick glance into the break room showed it was empty as well. She headed down the hall to the locker room. She really wanted to try and have a calm discussion with Jay. She was shocked that he had brought up the idea of switching partners. Despite their strained relationship, they were still Lindsay and Halstead, right? Erin had a hard time imagining the job without him by her side. If they could just sit down and have a reasonable discussion, Erin was sure that they could get to a good place.

Walking quietly into the locker room, Erin swung her head down the rows of lockers, checking for Jay. As she turned into the last row, she saw him. His back was braced against the locker, his head dropped down, eyes closed. It looked like all the rage that had been coursing through him had been expelled, and now he just looked drained and exhausted. With his eyes closed and his face relaxed, Erin couldn't help the flip that her heart did. She just wanted to step up close, wrap her arms around him, and just let the weight of his burden fall onto her shoulders. Letting instinct control her, she took a few cautious steps toward him. So lost in thought, he didn't hear her approach, she cautiously lay a hand on his shoulder. Startled, his bright blue eyes flew open and met her concerned ones. The look between them told Erin that there were still unresolved feelings between them. The pull was undeniable. Giving in, Erin slipped her arms around his strong torso, lying her head against his chest, and for a moment, he stood rigid in her embrace. Her heart skipped a beat when he suddenly wrapped his arms around her, returning the hug. She left out a relieved sigh. Erin relished the feeling, as he dropped his head onto her shoulder. She could feel his breath against her ear, and the warmth of his body against hers.

This was them. She knew in her heart, that their relationship was not beyond repair. This is what they needed. Just a few moments alone to regroup, reconnect, and work things out.

Not really wanting to end the moment, but feeling the need to voice her feelings, Erin pulled back slightly, so she could see his face. His eyes held a bit of softness in them, that she hadn't seen for months. She reached up between them, her hand lightly brushing his cheek, "Jay, I-"

"Yo, Halstead!" Ruzek's booming voice burst into the locker room, and the moment was broken. His arms dropped from around her, and he side-stepped quickly into the main aisle. His quick movement left Erin with her arms grasping air, and she felt like moment had literally slipped through her fingers.

"What's up, man?" Jay spoke, his voice sounding scratchy and raw.

"I was just making sure…" Ruzek's voice trailed off as Erin popped around the corner into his eye line. Ruzek's eyes darted back and forth between the two, clearly trying to determine what exactly he had interrupted. Not interested in being the subject of any squad room gossip, Erin gave Ruzek a brief nod and moved past him towards the door. As she made her way into the hall, she could hear him murmur to Jay, "You still good?"

"Yeah, we're good." She could hear Jay's reply. Erin let out a relieved breath she had been holding. Hopefully Jay meant what he said. She hoped they really were good. She needed them to get back to a that place. The look in his eyes, had told her that he missed her and needed her, just as much as she needed him. In her heart, she felt like maybe this was the moment where they finally turned the corner and figured out what the future could hold for them.

 **Thank you for reading! It still amazes me how many people have viewed and favorited this story. I appreciate the few who take them time to write the reviews. They do inspire and let me know I am telling a good story. I think we are about halfway through at this point. I've got a few more chapters, and then we get some new "complications."**


	10. Chapter 10

Erin sat on Hank's couch uncomfortably. She steadied Daniel on her lap, the one-year-old fussed a bit, so she bounced her knee up and down to sooth the young boy. She could feel his unhappiness, and to be honest, the emotion oozed out of every part of the house.

Erin had avoided the Voight household the last few months, and she now regretted that decision. After Justin's death, Erin had stopped by frequently to check in on Olive and Daniel. After the Crowley business and the break up, it was hard to be around everyone. Seeing this adorable baby, who was going to grow up without a father, was just another reminder of why Erin didn't want to go down that road. Not to mention, there was still tension between her and Voight. Even though Crowley hadn't found the evidence she was looking for at the silos, she hadn't dropped her investigation. It was still strain on her and Voight's relationship. While he had been supportive of her in the break up, she just wasn't up for sad family dinners.

Today, sitting in the Voight living room, Erin was shocked at what was in front of her. Olive was falling apart. Hank hadn't been here when she arrived, and Olive had invited her in. She'd been groggy and seemed disoriented. At first, Erin had thought that maybe Olive had just woken up from a nap, but the truth became clear after just a few minutes. As someone who had self-medicated grief with drugs, Erin recognized the signs. Olive's eyes were glassy and unfocused. She seemed sluggish in her movements, and as they talked, she kept losing track of the conversation.

Erin was incensed. How could Hank have allowed Olive to get high when she was alone with Daniel. Was he blind to her grief? Had she been hiding it from Hank? When Hank had mentioned Daniel in recent conversations, he had lit up with joy, claiming that the boy was the only thing giving him the strength to keep going. Erin just assumed there was a little support system going on in this house. Voight leaning on Olive and Daniel, and Olive leaning on Voight. She hadn't expected to see this.

"So where is Voight?" Erin asked Olive, "He knew I was stopping by. Invited me over for dinner."

Olive looked at her blankly for a moment, "Umm, I don't know. Sometimes he's here, but he's gone a lot." Olive looked around the house absentmindedly, as if she was searching for him and expected him to be hiding there somewhere. "Maybe he's at work. You know, he works a hard job. He has to work a lot of late nights."

Erin gritted her teeth. She didn't want to snap at Olive, but had the woman forgotten that Erin and Hank worked together? She was well aware of his schedule, and truthfully, their load had been pretty light lately. Whether the higher ups had decided on their own to shift cases other directions, or maybe Chicago criminals had just decided to commit crimes during normal shift hours. Erin didn't know, but she'd had plenty of evenings free the last month. If Hank wasn't home lately, where was he spending his time?

Eyeing Olive's unsteady gaze, Erin decided to try and get some real answers. "You feeling okay? Are you sick, Olive?"

Olive's eyes darted to Erin's, alarm filling them. "No." She sharply responded. "I'm fine."

Erin nodded, ruling legitimate illness out as the reason for Olive's off behavior. She ruffled Daniel's curls with her hand. His light reddish curls had darkened to a brownish red color after his first birthday. The coloring starting to resemble Justin's hair when he was younger. The curls though were all his mom's. The little boy started leaning playfully on Erin's lap. She rocked him back and forth, pretending to almost drop him a few times. Predictably, the boy burst into peals of laughter. Erin smiled at him adoringly. She couldn't help it. He was adorable.

Erin gave a supportive smile to Olive, "This one must be a handful. He running you ragged all day? Keeping you up all night?"

Olive just stared at Erin vacantly. "No. He's a good boy." Suddenly, Olive reached for Daniel, and almost dragged him out of Erin's arms. "He just misses his daddy." Erin fought the urge to snatch the boy back. Her instincts were telling her Olive was on something, but Erin didn't know for sure. She'd heard there were all sorts of other ailments mothers go through. Depression, popped into her mind. Maybe the grief of the losing Justin just was too much for Olive.

The rattling of the back door caused both women to turn. Erin caught the look of relief on Olive's face as Voight entered. A wide grin appeared on his face as he surveyed the room.

"All my favorite people in one room," he announced. His normally stoic face showed nothing but joy as his eyes fell on Daniel. Instantly the young boy was reaching for his grandpa, the admiration between the two was clearly mutual. Hank lifted the boy from Olive's limp arms and swung him high into the air. The boy's giggles replaced the solemn air that had filled the room moments earlier.

Erin's heart was full watching the scene. Joy for Hank seemed to come so seldom. His grandson was clearly the light of life. Erin was glad he had this right now. So much had gone wrong for him in recent years, some of it brought on himself, but still, everyone deserved some happiness in their life. _Even you?_ A small voice inside her questioned. Erin pushed the thought aside.

She watched Hank lean toward Olive and speak in a low voice, "Why don't you go get some rest?" He turned towards Erin. "I think I'll feed this little guy dinner and give him his bath. You think Auntie Erin will want to help?"

Erin tried to force a smile, "Of course." She responded. Her eyes couldn't help but follow Olive as she pulled herself up off the couch. The mom didn't even spare her son a glance as she stumbled up the stairs. Turning, Erin followed Hank into the kitchen, where he had already settled Daniel into the high chair and was bustling around the kitchen getting the toddler's food ready. Erin watched as he cut up a hot dog into mini pieces and prepped some apples and yogurt. It was like he hadn't even noticed the drugged out mom in the other room.

"What the hell is going on in this house?" she hissed.

Hank spun around and threw her a dirty look. Pointing to Daniel, "Language, Erin. I raised you better than that."

Erin rolled her eyes, "He's one."

He shook his head, and just glared at her.

"Okay, fine. What on 'Earth' is going on in this house?" At Hanks confused look, Erin continued. "Olive? She is totally out of it."

Hank brushed her off. "She's still grieving. It's been hard on her." He sat down opposite Daniel and started to pass the little boy his food. Daniel rapidly shoved the bits of food into his mouth, while Hank spoon fed him some of the yogurt.

Annoyed by his lack of concern, Erin pressed on, "She's not just grieving. She's on something."

Hank stopped and gave her a look that clearly said Erin needed to mind her own business. "She was having a hard time, and the doctor gave her some stuff to help her sleep and relax. Xanax or something like that. She's got a prescription. She's fine. She's actually doing a lot better this week."

Erin gave Hank an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? How bad was she before? She's like a zombie. You know just as well as I do that someone with Olive's history shouldn't be popping pills for relief. She ran just as hard as Justin just a few years ago." Erin didn't know too much about Olive's background, but she knew that she'd been no saint. Maybe her troubles hadn't dipped as far down as Erin's, but she certainly had a past.

"Are you really throwing stones at her?" Hank gave her a knowing look. "Thought you'd be a bit more understanding after how you dealt with Nadia's death."

Erin narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, well. I wasn't raising a baby during all that, now was I?"

Hank leveled her with a stern look, "I don't think now is the place to discuss this." He gestured toward Daniel who was observing them with interest. Erin knew the baby didn't have a clue what they were talking about. His interest was just focused on the food that Hank was serving.

Erin lowered her voice a bit, "You feel comfortable leaving Daniel with her all day?"

"She's his mom She loves him." Hank replied matter-of-factly.

Erin could not believe what she was hearing. It was like she dropped into another dimension, where Hank Voight turned his cheek to someone taking drugs while caring for a child. If this was a case they were working, He'd have had CPS down there in a flash to take the baby into protective custody.

Erin pushed herself off her chair and stood. "I'm out."

Hank looked at her in surprise. "I thought we were going to have dinner?"

Erin watched as his attention drifted back to his grandson who was babbling for Hank to continue feeding him. "Yeah, well you've got a lot going on. Maybe we can catch up another day."

Hank barely acknowledged her statement, and Erin took that as her cue to leave. She slipped out the back door and made her way to her car. She still couldn't believe what she had seen inside. She felt so helpless. Olive was falling apart, and apparently Hank was enabling her. She just shook her head in disbelief. Grabbing her phone, she started to pull up her messages. She needed to tell-

Erin stopped herself. Her first thought had been to text Jay. He was still the person she thought of first when she needed to talk or deal with an issue. Erin tried to think if there was someone else she could bounce her thoughts off of right now. Her and Burgess were getting more and more friendly, but since Hank was Kim's boss, too, she didn't think airing his dirty laundry with a subordinate would be a bright idea. That left out most of the other members of the squad, too. Evan's image flashed in her mind. Since their date last week, they'd exchanged a few texts. He was adamant that they could be friends. Erin wasn't so sure. She certainly didn't know him well enough to dump this on him. The only person who knew the players, and could maybe give her some advice was Jay.

Erin took a deep breath. She wanted to find a way to become friends with him again. To find a way to have him in her life and move past what they had done to each other. Remembering their moment in the locker room earlier today, Erin thought maybe he would be open to listening to a friend. Maybe this would be their chance to take a step forward. Putting her car in gear, she headed out to Jay's.

…..

On the way to Jay's Erin had stopped and grabbed some dinner. While she ate, she had seriously contemplated not even coming. Second thoughts had filled her mind. What if she had misread the situation. After their fight this afternoon, and that weird moment in the locker room, she thought maybe now would be the time to rebuild that part of their friendship. Or she could be completely off base. Maybe he had meant what he said about splitting up their partnership. Erin's dinner sat like a rock in her stomach. She just didn't know what to do.

Now Erin lingered down the hall from Jay's apartment door. It was now or never. She tried to gather her confidence, and strode to his door before she could chicken out. Erin took a deep breath and knocked on the door. She heard the steps approach, and then the door swung open. Jay looked surprised to see her, "Erin?"

Erin tried for a smile, but knew she failed. "Hey."

Jay gave a glance over his shoulder into his apartment, before ducking out into the hallway and partially closing the door behind him. Erin heard the noises coming from his apartment. Erin wasn't sure, but she heard several voices. It almost sounded like he was throwing a party. Jay gave her an expectant look, "What's up?"

His eyes had that hardened look back to them. So different than the way he used to look at her. Different than how he even looked at her earlier. She briefly closed her eyes to allow the memory of blue eyes dancing with laughter and love to fill her mind. Gathering some courage, she glanced back up at him. He crossed his arms impatiently and shrugged at her to talk.

Erin swallowed nervously, "I…uh… earlier, when we were talking about…" Erin trailed off, and looked around the empty hallway. The only sounds a murmur of voices from behind his door. This wasn't the right time to do this. He had a bunch of friends over. Clearly, he wasn't sitting alone wishing he still had his best friend to talk to.

"Dude! Get back in here. It's our turn and the girls are killing us!" Erin's eyes flew over to the doorway, as it was pushed open to reveal Ruzek. He had a beer bottle dangling from his fingertips, and was laughing as he slung his arm around Jay's shoulder. Giving Erin a sloppy grin he shouted, "Lindsay, hey!" Adam looked slightly guilty and glanced over his shoulder. Since he had swung the door wide open, Erin could see into Jay's small living room. While the light was dim, Erin could make out two more people in the room. Since both were looking curiously out into the hallway, Erin easily identified them as two young female patrol officers from their district.

Pain sliced through Erin's heart when the realization that Adam and Jay were on a double date hit her. Biting hard on her lip to keep from crying out, Erin unwittingly took a step back. Her eyes searched out for Jay's, but he had his head turned away, unwilling to look at her.

"This was a mistake," she whispered backing slowly away, before spinning and racing down the hallway.

"Sorry, bro," She heard Ruzek mutter to Jay as she ran away. She was halfway down the stairs when she heard his footsteps behind her.

"Erin, wait-" his hand reached out and grabbed her arm, tugging at her to stop. Erin stopped, but refused to turn to look at him. She knew tears had filled her eyes, and she didn't trust herself to look at him and not burst out crying. She hated that he could still affect her like this. She really had just come over hoping for a few moments with her friend. Get some insight into her personal situation. She had just wanted to see if they could work on their friendship. She didn't think that just the idea that he was moving on would affect her so strongly.

His voice was tense behind her, "What are you doing here, Erin?" She heard the slightly veiled irritation in his voice, but she also felt his grip on her arm loosen. His thumb stroked her arm soothingly. His fingers were warm on her chilled skin, and Erin even questioned whether he realized he was caressing her arm.

Taking a steadying breath, she spoke, still not turning, "I shouldn't be here. It was a mistake."

"Er…"His voice softened and like a moth to the flame, she felt herself turn to face him. She saw that his eyes were filled with confusion and a hint of concern.

Hating seeing what she felt was pity, she gave him one more glance, before shaking her head sadly. "I've got to go." She turned to leave.

Jay's voice rang out behind her. "I know you are seeing someone, too."

Erin spun back around, "What?"

This time it was Jay's turn to look away uncomfortably, "That homicide detective from the 28th."

"It's not like that-" she began, but Jay cut her off.

"Doesn't matter." He said curtly.

Erin looked up at him, unable to keep the sadness away, "Doesn't it?" she questioned. It mattered to her. That there were two women upstairs and that at least one of them hoped that maybe Jay might be interested in her. That mattered to her. That he might actually be dating one of them, be interested, maybe even sleeping with one. Erin felt a wave of nausea throughout her body.

Looking down into her eyes, she could see him struggle with what to say. He shook his head a bit, "Okay. Yeah, we cared about each other, but that doesn't mean-"

"We loved each other." Erin interrupted him. She didn't want him to lessen what they had shared. They had been in love. He had wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with her. Regardless of where they stood now, Erin needed to know that what had been between them was real. It had meant everything to her. Still did.

He stared silently at her for a moment, then his voice was quiet as he spoke to her, "We should really keep our distance from each other, Erin. It's easier." Throwing his arms up a bit in frustration, he gave her a sad look, "We didn't work. You've moved on. I'm moving on." She saw him swallow emotion. "I don't think we should see each other outside of work anymore. We can't go _there_ again." She could tell that Jay was referring to the last time she had stopped by late at night. The last time they had slept together. Erin suddenly realized that Jay thought Erin had shown up for a hook up. A booty call.

"I didn't come here to hook up! I came to apologize, Jay. I overstepped earlier, and I felt bad. That's all." She bit her lip a bit, trying to not let the painful emotions overcome her. "Yeah, maybe I was hoping we could talk a bit. I'm dealing with some stuff, and I could use a friend right now." She allowed her eyes to rise, glancing at his apartment door. Her tone was bitter, "But I guess you've got about all the friends you need right now."

Their eyes met, and looking at the emptiness she still saw behind his eyes. Erin just felt so sad. Sad at how their relationship had deteriorated. She tried to hold onto the man that had once told her he'd always love her. That he could never hate her.

Jay's cool blue eyes just stared at her, almost through her. "I can't, Erin. I can't be your friend."

Involuntarily, Erin let out a gasp. Hearing the words so clearly from him were just as harsh as if he had slapped her. Just wanting to escape, Erin nodded. "Got it. Sorry for the interruption. I'll see you at work."

Erin turned away and quickly descended down the staircase. This time, no one stopped her. Hearing only silence behind her, she gave one last glance over her shoulder. Jay still stood at the top of the staircase staring down at her. His shadowed face unreadable.

 **Author's Note: Okay! So maybe that's enough emotional torture. Do you think they've suffered enough? Let's figure out a way now to get these two tortured souls back together. Who's with me? I appreciate your reviews as always!**


	11. Chapter 11

Erin pulled the car up to a desolate field on the outskirts of Chicago. Dozens of patrol cruisers and other unmarked vehicles already decorated the scene. Yellow caution tape easily identified their destination. She slipped out of the car, and the cold wind that slapped her face, told her that winter was fast approaching. Fall had sped by at break neck speed, and the days were getting shorter. Erin couldn't believe Thanksgiving was just around the corner. Unfortunately for her, she just didn't have much to be thankful for this year. While holidays had never been much growing up, as an adult, she'd enjoyed spending them with her makeshift family. She wasn't sure where she'd land this year. She felt like she should spend the holiday with Olive, Daniel, and Hank, but she also imagined it being a depressing time. Giving a glance around the squad, she had a hard time imagining inviting herself over to any of their places for the holiday. Dawson might not even have his kids, Olinsky was still juggling two daughters. Erin thought maybe she'd just prep a dinner and invite all the lonely people to her place. Letting her gaze drift to her partner, she sighed. If she did decide to cook, should she invite Jay?

Deciding a crime scene wasn't the place to be thinking about holiday plans, Erin tightened her jacket around her body to fight off the cold wind. She pulled down her beanie a little more snuggly around her ears, flipping her collar up to protect her neck from catching the icy wind. As her and Jay walked toward the crime scene, she patted her pockets, searching for her gloves.

"Damn. I forgot my gloves." She vaguely remembered leaving them on her desk as they had headed out.

"Here, take mine." Jay started to pull the gloves off his hands.

Erin stopped him, "I can't. You'll freeze."

Jay sent her an indignant look, "I'll survive. I had them on in the car. My hands are already warmed up."

Erin debated. She didn't want to owe him. She didn't want any act of kindness from him to be truthful.

Exasperated, Jay just slapped the gloves into her hand. "Just take them." Not waiting for a reply, he moved on ahead and met up with Dawson and Voight who were beyond the crime scene tape examining the burial site.

Holding the leather gloves in her hand, Erin surveyed the scene in front of her, even as she slipped the warm gloves onto her fingers. Her hands were swimming in them, of course, but the body heat Jay had generated immediately warmed her numb hands. As for her heart, she tried to keep it cold despite the kind gesture.

It had been two weeks since the last time she told herself she was never going to let Jay crush her heart again. No more she had decided. She loved him, she wanted him to be happy, but she was done putting herself out there only to be rejected. He didn't want her as a girlfriend, and he didn't want her as a friend. He barely wanted her as a partner. She hated it but was accepting it. She knew people changed and sometimes relationships changed, too. She just had never known someone to do such a complete 180 in their personality as Jay had. He acted like a jerk most of the time. Ruzek and him were like best buds lately. With Ruzek's maturity level just a shy of a sixteen year old's, Erin could barely tolerate the two of them. At least his anger issues seem to be passing. Now he just seemed indifferent to everything. No anger, no joy, just emotionless.

Erin was working on the same goal. Emotionless. No emotions. Her mantra was, "You don't care about him. You don't love him. You don't hate him. You don't care one way or the other." Of course, she wasn't there yet, but it was important to have goals.

And then he gave her his gloves.

It was such an "old Jay" thing to do. Sacrifice his comfort for hers. No questions asked, just do it. Take care of your partner, your friend, your lover. She was getting so close to being able to not care, and then he would do something kind or thoughtful. It was infuriating.

Last week he bought her a coffee and donut and had them sitting on her desk when she arrived. At her confused glance, he had just mumbled, "I'm not going to eat in front of you."

After she had complained to the guys that the heat was not working in her condo on Monday, he had let her know he had put in a call to a repairman for her. When she had bluntly asked why, he had just shrugged and said, "I just know a heating guy."

And then today the gloves. He was awfully helpful and nice for someone who didn't want to be her friend. It was getting damn confusing. It was easy to be angry at him and decide to move on when he was acting like a jerk. It was when he was kind that she had a harder time.

Pushing aside the thoughts swarming through her mind, she allowed her focus to center on their case. Four bodies. All elderly women had been discovered in shallow graves early this morning. The land owner had been considering selling the abandoned property, and had sent somebody to do a land survey. One of the graves hadn't been fully covered up, and within a few hours three more had been discovered. Forensic teams were still combing the area, but they thought they had found all the bodies. Erin started to head over to the central location. They'd been on scene for about a half hour, taking notes, and getting initial reports from the forensic team when the dark SUV that signaled Commander Crowley had arrived showed up.

"Great, boss lady's here." Ruzek muttered under his breath. Crowley had made it a point to visit most of their crime scenes nowadays. Sometimes she supervised from a distance, and sometimes she took more of a leadership role. Always though, Erin could feel her watching. Her laser sharp attention always on Voight and often Erin.

This time, as Crowley emerged from the vehicle, she was not alone. Two of her "goons" as Ruzek like to call them accompanied her. Erin noted that Voight stood up taller as they approached. The last time they'd shown up with their boss, he'd been taken down to headquarters for questioning.

"Sergeant Voight, can I speak to you for a moment." The commander paused on the outside of the crime scene. Since she didn't pay even a glance at the burial site, Erin knew immediately that her arrival had nothing to do with their case. Hank walked over toward the Commander, ducking under the tape, and they talked briefly for a moment. He gave an irritated shake of his head, but whatever she wanted, she was not leaving without it. Her goons had stepped a little closer. Voight stared at Crowley in stony silence as the Commander continued to talk at him. The words exchanged were lost in the wind, but the scene unfolding in front of them had the rapt attention of the entire squad.

Finally, Voight walked back towards the team. He grabbed Dawson and murmured in his ear. Then walking away, he threw an indecipherable look toward Erin. She took a couple of steps toward him as if to follow, but he shook his head no. Erin looked back at Crowley and noted the satisfied smirk on the woman's face. Unable to take it, she stalked over there, brushing past Voight on her way.

"Why won't you just leave him alone?" She demanded.

"Erin, stop." Voight interjected from behind her. He looked at Crowley, "Let's go."

Erin ignored him. "You made your accusations and you couldn't find anything. What 'evidence' have you manufactured this time?" Erin was getting heated. Justin was dead. His killer had been a horrible person with no care for human life. Chicago was a better place without him. Why was Crowley digging into this so hard?

"Detective Lindsay, I suggest you return to your job, and let Sergeant Voight and I continue our discussion in private." Crowley ordered

Erin took a few agitated steps toward the Commander, "No! I want to hear what you have to say. What lies you are spreading?"

"Do you really believe your own spin?" She gave a patronizing look to Erin, "Are you still willing to sacrifice your career for him? By all means, why don't you join us down at headquarters." She motioned for Erin to join then in the SUV.

"No." Hank spoke up. "She had nothing to do with this." He gestured at someone behind Erin.

"Maybe I do." Erin replied defiantly. Suddenly an arm was locked around her elbow and started pulling her back and away.

"Get her out of here," Hank called out as Jay continued to practically drag Erin away from the scene.

"Calm down," Jay spoke into her ear. "Do you want to get yourself fired?" He kept walking her backwards until they were a good twenty yards away from everyone else. Jay held tight, his arm locked around her until Crowley's group, plus Hank, had entered into the SUV and departed the scene. Once they were out of eyesight, Erin shook him off. He released her, and she spun around to face him in anger.

"Why'd you stop me? Somebody needs to put that bitch in her place!" Erin knew her anger was superseding rational thought, but she didn't care.

Jay grabbed her arms again and held her still. "You need to calm down! Voight doesn't want you to get involved. Couldn't you tell? Whatever is going on, you know he is going to handle it. Hasn't he always?"

Annoyed that Jay was probably right, and irritated at the whole situation, Erin let out a huge sigh. Slowly Jay released her arms. He darted a quick look to where the SUV had disappeared, "So what's all that about anyways. She still on a witch hunt?"

Erin shrugged, "I don't know."

Jay gave her a doubtful look, "Come on, you're Voight's girl. You know something."

Erin narrowed her eyes at him, "You know I hate it when people call me that."

Jay raised an eyebrow, "I just mean you are close to him. He tells you stuff he doesn't share with the rest of us."

Erin snorted, her eyes drifting back in the direction the car had driver, "Not lately. He's put me out of the loop nowadays."

Erin truly didn't know what was going on, but she definitely was suspicious. Erin had stopped by his house several times in the last two weeks after her discovery that Olive was self-medicating to deal with the loss of Justin. She'd been surprised to find he was rarely there. Sometimes he'd show up after a bit, but he refused to answer her inquiries about where he'd been. Other nights, she'd driven by late and noticed his car missing. She'd assumed he was at his club, but a detour in that direction had shown he wasn't around there either.

Antonio strode over to where they stood, a stern look on his face. "You gonna keep acting like an idiot, or are you actually going to get some work done?"

Erin gave him an unimpressed look, crossing her arms across her chest defiantly.

"What do you want us to do, _boss_?" Jay had a hint of teasing in his voice with Dawson being in charge while Voight was unavailable.

Rolling his eyes a bit, Dawson passed them a slip of paper. "One of the bodies had a medical bracelet that had a number on it. Guys tracked it down to a retirement home." Dawson slid his eyes to Erin for a moment. "Maybe get a cup of coffee to calm her down, and then head over and see if they are missing anybody." Tossing a look over his shoulder at the crime scene, he added, "Or maybe four somebodies."

Erin smirked at the coffee comment, and walked away without responding. If Antonio wanted them to take a coffee break on the clock, who was she to argue. She was fine and didn't need to calm down. She just wanted to know what the hell was going on. Was Crowley really onto something? Was it still related to Justin's death, or was she onto something else that Hanks shouldn't have gotten involved in.

Jay met up with her at the car. As the got into the car, Erin started the engine and pulled away. Nodding toward the paper in Jay's hand, she asked, "Where to?"

Glancing at the address, Jay thought for a moment, "Diner off 31st? It's not too far from this place."

Erin nodded and headed in that direction. Silence filled the car. It was pretty normal. While they tried to be civil in the squad room and on cases, when it was just the two of them, conversation usually fell flat. When someone tells you that they don't want to be your friend, it makes you really not put in the effort to make small talk.

They didn't say much until twenty minutes later, they sat across from each other, sitting in a booth, sipping coffee, and appreciating the warmth of the restaurant. Jay brought up Voight again, "So you think she's still on Justin's case or is she working something new with Voight?"

Erin shrugged, "Not sure. She hasn't been hitting up my phone, so maybe it's something new." Erin sighed and looked out the window. She's wasn't blind to Hank's faults. She knew he worked in the gray areas of the law. Honestly, he outright crossed the line a lot, but he also stopped at nothing to put away the bad guys. He was dedicated to this city and pursued criminals relentlessly. It was always a possibility that something else had popped in his life that put Hank on the wrong side of the Commander.

Jay looked at her thoughtfully for a minute, "Would you go down for him or would you tell her something if meant your job?"

Erin looked at him with narrowed eyes, "A little loyalty for your boss, Jay?"

Jay shrugged. Erin knew that tension between Voight and Jay had always been there. First, it was rooted in Hank's suspicions that something had been going on between her and Jay. Even when it wasn't. Then they consistently butted heads over how to treat suspects. Erin thought that was a bit ironic now, since Jay himself had been following Voight's handbook lately when it came to suspect treatment. They'd probably had a bit of truce when her and Jay had been together. At that point, Hank seemed to just be happy that Erin had someone that he trusted and that she was on the straight and narrow. Since their break up, she could see that they had resumed their adversarial relationship. Still, she'd hoped that Jay was a little bit loyal to their boss.

"He wouldn't turn _you_ into IA." Erin countered.

Jay gave her an annoyed look, "Please, he is constantly threatening to ship me to gangs or narcotics."

Erin just sighed and tried to shake off her annoyance. Jay had a point, but it didn't matter. She didn't think Hank actually would do anything. He just liked threatening Jay.

"Is he always going to come first? Over your job and over your own needs?" Jay had a hint of anger in his voice.

Erin threw up her hands in irritation, "Why are you getting mad at me? I really don't know anything."

"I just am curious. Is there anything that would cause you to put yourself first." Jay said.

Erin could tell he was talking about something more than just whatever it was Crowley had going on with Voight. "I put myself first. I just also think of others." Erin was surprised by the emotion she could see behind Jay's eyes. "I can't just forget about those who have done a solid for me."

Jay's eyes were fiery, "What about me?"

Erin swallowed a bit, not really sure where he was going with this. "I'm loyal to you, Jay. That hasn't changed." She quietly spoke. It was true. She would never turn on him. No matter what had gone on with them, he was her partner. He'd had her back more times than she could count.

He stared at her in stony silence for a moment. Erin could see the wheels churning in his head. She could tell he wanted to say something. "Spit it out, Jay. What are you getting at?"

"What if you had to choose? Voight or me?" He asked soberly.

The question sat out there between them, hanging dangerously. Erin wondered how much this had weighed on Jay in the past. Had he always wondered, even when they were together, where her absolute loyalties lay? Even now, sitting in silence, Erin didn't even know how to answer the question. She owed Hank her life. He had pulled her off the street when she was so close from turning a corner that she would not have been able to come back from. She doubted she would have made it to adulthood without being incarcerated or dead. She looked at the man in front of her, but then there was Jay. She loved him, so much still. He taught her how to love, to care, and to not be afraid of what that meant to be vulnerable to someone else.

"It would never come to that." She quietly spoke, not willing to answer the question.

Jay nodded. She hated the disappointment she saw in his eyes again. She could see him harden against her before his eyes. "Jay…" She tried to intercede and reached across the table for his hand.

He stiffened and pulled his hand away, "It's cool." He gave her a tight lipped smile, that was shrouded in bitterness, "Guess it's a good thing you didn't want to marry me. Would have wanted a little more loyalty from my wife."

Erin's wounded heart tore open again. Why was it that he could hurt her so easily? Why did they just keep hurting each other? His pain was clearly just as sharp as hers.

Jay stood quickly, "Let's just get over to that retirement home." He threw some money down and headed out the door. Erin watched him storm out hopelessly. Any kindness he had shown her earlier was gone now. Could they never make headway towards normal?

 **Last week was amazing readers. I heard from so many of you! Knowing that I have readers that are invested in my story makes me so excited to write each week. The next chapter is almost done. Hope to get it posted in a day or two!**


	12. Chapter 12

Erin let herself into the Voight household, for the fourth night that week. She'd taken this to stopping by each night, no matter how rough her day had been. Even between cases, she'd been dropping in if she got a chance. There was no way, she was going to let Olive take Daniel down the precarious path of an unstable childhood. As the child of an addict, Erin knew that indifference and neglect were worse than any sort of physical abuse. Even just spending a few minutes with Daniel here and there, she could see that the boy was desperate for attention. She'd asked Olive about taking him on walks or visiting the park, but Olive had claimed that they preferred the comfort of the house. She claimed Daniel loved his little pack and play crib and that they were just homebodies. Erin surmised that Olive liked having him in that thing, which allowed her to zone out and not have to keep watch over him.

She'd tried to bring up her concerns again with Voight, but he'd been distracted lately. Crowley and him had been having closed door meetings repeatedly afterhours, and she could tell by the hard lines of his face, that he didn't like what the commander was saying. After Crowley pulled Voight from the crime scene last week, Erin had tried to get some answers from him. He'd been adamant that it was nothing, but Erin wasn't stupid. Erin wondered if Crowley was trying to get Hank to retire. She knew sometimes of the higher ups pushing people out who didn't play the game their way. Hank had always been on thin ice with his bosses to begin with. He'd had just enough dirt on most of them, to keep his position. Whatever the situation, Crowley certainly had it out for Hank, and she didn't seem interested in letting go.

According to Hank, work was good, home was good, and everything was just dandy. Literally, he'd used the word "dandy." That right there was a huge red flag to Erin. Erin had shared her worry over Daniel not getting the attention he needed. Hank stated he had breakfast with his grandson every morning, and tried to have dinner as much as work allowed. Hank never seemed to be at home from her point of view though. When Olive had first mentioned that Hank came and went at odd hours, Erin had thought it was the drugs. Now that she'd made it a point to be around as much as possible, she realized that it was the truth. Yes, their hours were unsteady, but they still slept in their beds most night.

"Olive! Danny!" She called out. She heard the TV and babbling from the living room, and she found Daniel in his playpen, the television blaring nearby. Already used to her visits, he lifted his arms excitedly to be pulled from his prison. "Where's your mama, little man?" She cooed, "Where's, Mama?" Now that he was toddling around, Daniel didn't like to be held for long. He started squirming to be put down, and Erin relented. The little guy immediately took off for the kitchen, walking a few steps before dropping to a crawl. Erin followed, hoping Daniel knew where his mom was.

When they walked thought the swinging door, Erin saw Olive hurriedly sweeping something into the sick, and scrambling to send whatever it was swimming down the drain. "Erin, hi. I wasn't expecting you again tonight." Eyes bright, she turned to face Erin. Her eyes darting from Erin's down to the ground, where Daniel now clung to her leg.

Erin narrowed her eyes at Olive's suspicious actions. "Yeah, I have just loved hanging out with this guy all week. I was missing him." Erin knew what she had just seen. She'd walked in on enough drug cover ups to know that whatever Olive had sent down the sink had been also going up her nose.

Olive nodded rapidly, "Yes, yes, yes. He likes seeing you, too. Of course. It's always nice to see you. I just…. four days in one week?" She gave Erin an overly cheery smile, "You're not checking up on me are you?"

"Of course, I am!" Erin replied, observing Olive's panicked eyes widen. She reached down to tickle Daniel's chubby neck. "You're family, and I can't check up on this little guy enough." She smiled up at Olive. "I feel like he grows up a bit every day." She was trying to put Olive at ease, but truthfully, she'd just about had enough. If Olive had been in here doing what Erin thought she had been doing, with her young son just steps away, Erin thought she might lose it. She didn't have a plan, but Erin knew for sure that she would not be leaving here tonight before Hank got home. This time, he would not be able to blow her off. This was his grandson!

"Well, I'll make dinner then. Why don't you two go play in the other room?" Olive started bobbing quickly around the room to make preparations for dinner, shooing them back out the kitchen door to the living room.

"Sure," Erin agreed. Not wanting her son to have to witness what possible effect the drugs Olive had likely just snorted might have on her, Erin snatched him up and tickled him playfully as they walked into the other room. Hank had accumulated quite the collection of toys, and baskets and buckets of them filled the corners of the room. Sitting cross-legged on the floor next Daniel, Erin got him busy stacking and knocking down a classic wooden block set. Once she was sure he was occupied, she whipped out her phone. She sent several texts to Hank. Time passed though, and she predictably got no response. Erin pushed her phone aside and entertained Daniel with naming the animals, letters, and numbers that were on each block. Daniel was a great audience, and his big eyes seemed fascinated by everything Erin did. Erin couldn't help but smile at her nephew. He was just so easily captivated by the simplest things.

Typically for a baby, he soon got bored with the blocks, Daniel then crawled to a basket of stuffed animals, and was dragging several of them out and tossing them over his shoulders. Erin crawled over herself and started to play pretend with the animals. She made bear noises and lion roars that made Daniel laugh and try to grab at the animals. Watching his precious face light up, just warmed her heart. She didn't know if she was imagining things, but she swore she saw Camille's smile in Daniel's round face. It made her feel connected to family when she was with him. Truthfully, she had never spent much time with a baby before. She always reached out to kids in their cases, somebody had, too, but she hadn't really spent just down time with one. Especially such a young one. It was just so much fun to watch him engage and interact with the world. She didn't know how Olive could just ignore him all day. She couldn't believe his mom was willing to risk this precious family she was lucky enough to have. She had no trust in Olive, and was really doubting having her faith in Hank right now.

Just as the smells of dinner started to seep into the living room, Erin heard the slam of a car door that signaled Hank had arrived. Daniel perked up, too, recognizing the sound. Wanting to talk to Hank before he got in the house, Erin quickly scooped up Daniel and dropped him into the playpen and then jogged to the door. Hank was at the bottom of the stairs when she opened the door, Erin slipped out ,and shut the door behind her.

"You living here now?" He stated, not exactly warmly, as he attempted to make his way around her to the door.

Erin place her hand out to block his progress. "We need to talk," her voice was firm.

Hank's lips formed an even line. "Again?" Erin could tell he was ready to ignore her concerns once more.

"Yes!" Erin hissed, "I walk in here and Daniel's alone in the living room in front of the TV, and I think I saw Olive snorting something up her nose!"

Hank's frown deepened and his eyes narrowed, "You think you saw or you saw?"

"Hank!" Erin exclaimed outraged. "Are you really ignoring this right in your own home? How can you let her put him through this? You know what could happen." They locked eyes, and Erin knew Hank could see the seriousness of the situation. He had seen what living with Bunny had done to her. Maybe Olive wasn't there yet, but it was a risk, she just wasn't willing to take.

He let out a rush of air, and Erin saw a hint of the stress that this was causing him to be revealed. She could see the dark circles under his eyes and his weathered skin looked pale to her. "I'll get her help." Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes briefly, "Maybe Mrs. Deante down the street can help with watching Daniel a bit."

"What about-" Erin was cut off at the sound of squealing brakes as two dark vehicles pulled up in front of the house, accompanied by two patrol units. Uniformed officers and men in suits spilled out of the vehicles. They took positions around Hank's home, a few even had their guns drawn. Erin took a few startled steps back, her hand instinctively went to where she normally kept her weapon. Finding nothing but air, she put her hands out in front of her trying to calm the situation.

"Hey, we're cops, what's going on?" Erin glanced over toward Hank, who just stood with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets.

"Sergeant Voight, please place your hands where we can see them." One of the men in a cheap dark suit spoke, taking a few steps toward Hank, his gun by his side, but smartly, not leveled at Hank. Erin looked on in disbelief as Hank removed his hands and put them up in surrender.

"What the hell is going on?" Erin demanded. Her head whipped back and forth between Hank and the men.

"Ma'am please move aside," a suited man took Erin's elbow and tried to lead her down the stairs and away from where one of the uniformed officers had moved in and were frisking Hank.

"No! I want to know what charges." She shook off the man's grasp and locked her feet where they were.

"Erin, just let it go." Hank told her in his steely voice. "I'll explain later." The officer had spun him around and was placing handcuffs on Hank.

Suddenly the front door burst open, and a panicked Olive appeared holding a crying Daniel in her arms, "What's going on out- ah!" Immediately several officer shifted their guns toward Olive. She started to cry immediately, and her frantic crying mixed in with Daniels wailing. Olive and Daniel were ushered down the steps and to the side of the home.

One of the suits approached Erin with papers, "Search warrant, miss." Erin grabbed the papers and started to checked their validity, but the men had already entered the home, and the officers had started to lead Hank away.

"Wait!" She called out rushing over to him. "What is going on, Hank? What do you want me to do?" Erin couldn't believe what she was witnessing. Was this real? Did they really have something on Hank?

"Just get them out of here, Erin. Take Olive and Daniel to your place. I don't want them to be a part of this." Hank called out, as he ducked while being place into the waiting vehicle. Erin stood outside the window of the vehicle, her concerned eyes locking with Hank as the car pulled away. Erin was stunned and stood frozen to her spot on the sidewalk. Suddenly the wailing that had continued non-stop broke through and she spun to see Olive and Daniel sitting forlornly on the sidewalk with an officer standing nearby looking helpless. Daniel was inconsolable, and Olive was trying unsuccessful to keep from crying herself.

Erin scrambled over and pulled the crying Daniel from Olive's limp arms. She looked up at Erin, and the vacantness Erin saw this was frightening. "What's happening, Erin? Why did they take Hank? Is he going to jail?"

Erin shook her head, while she patted Daniel soothingly on the back, "No, no, he's going to be fine. Hank's always fine." She glanced up to the door to the house, "But he doesn't want you to stay here right now." Erin knew that in Olive's state, she had to get her as far away from the scene as possible. "Come on, you guys are going to my place."

Erin walked quietly through her living room, flipping off the lights as she moved, leaving just the dim end table lamp on, just in case Olive woke in the night and was disoriented. Her eyes skimmed over Olive, who lay asleep on her couch. She'd fallen asleep rather quickly once, they'd gotten settled. Thankfully, the officers had let Erin and Olive grab the diaper bag and the portable crib before they'd left. It had been humiliating to watch them paw through the bag making sure they weren't smuggling any "evidence" out of the house.

Once they'd gotten to her home, Erin had spent quite a bit of time trying to calm the paranoid Olive down. Whatever she'd taken earlier, had amped her emotions, and she kept alternating between crying hysterically and shaking in fear. Erin had taken Daniel and ran him a bath, and when she had emerged, Olive had been passed out on the couch. Erin couldn't help but notice the liquor bottle she kept on the shelf had been moved. Erin sighed, and she gave a lingering look toward Daniel. The baby was fast asleep in his little crib, his favorite blanket and stuffed animal clutched in his arms. The bath and all his crying from earlier had tuckered him out, and Erin couldn't help but smile at the little man. He looked so precious. She just wanted him away from all this drama. How she wished he was still part of that little family that Justin and Olive had started. Months ago when they were happy and had each other, and Daniel had every possibility of growing up with a loving mom and dad.

Erin slowly made her way to her bedroom and grabbed her phone. She hadn't had time to follow up on Hank since she'd been home. She'd been too busy taking care of Olive and Daniel. A few phone calls to headquarters got her nothing. Deciding, she needed help, she dialed Olinksy's number. He was the only one she knew of who had as many connections as Hank, and could keep things just as quiet. He promised he'd look into it, but Erin couldn't help but hear the concern in Al's voice. If even Al was worried, Erin knew that whatever was going on must be serious. Plugging her phone in to recahrge, she collapsed on her bed, exhausted. Everything felt like a dream. Maybe more like a nightmare. It was just one more thing in her life that was unstable. Erin searched her mind for anything that could keep her centered. She had to find a way to keep it together. Glancing toward the living room, she gave small smile. That was her reason. She had to get Olive to get her shit together, so she could be a good mom for Daniel. Voight would never have his son back, but he had a grandson, and that was what Erin could do now. Support the rest of the family.

…..

Erin rolled over in bed, trying to ignore the sound of her alarm blaring. She placed a pillow over her head, but the sound just wouldn't go away. Suddenly, realization dawned on her that it wasn't her alarm. Opening her eyes, she realized it was still dark out. Remembering Olive and Daniel, Erin sprinted toward her living room to check on them. Daniel was standing at the edge of his crib, his face red from crying. A quick glance at the couch revealed empty blankets. Assuming Olive was just in the restroom, Erin scooped Daniel up into her arms.

"Olive," she called out. "I've got Daniel." Thinking that maybe he was just hungry, Erin made her way to the kitchen. She juggled him a bit to pour some milk into his sippy cup, then made her way to the table where he greedily began slurping his milk. Thinking Olive should have been back by now, Erin moved Daniel to his crib and walked over to the bathroom door. She was surprised to see it dark and empty. "Olive!" She called out again. It only took seconds for her to realize that Olive was gone. Erin started to run to her bedroom for her phone, when her eyes caught a piece of paper propped up on the small table.

 _Erin,_

 _I am so scared. I know you suspect the truth, but please don't be angry. There were drugs in my rooms at Hank's, and I am so sorry for any trouble I have caused. I can't go to jail. Daniel will be safe here with you. Please take care of him. Justin would have been proud of how you've taken care of us. I'll be in touch soon._

 _I'm sorry,_

 _Olive_

Erin read the letter twice, not believing what she was reading. Grabbing her phone, she pulled up Olive's number and called her. She couldn't have gone far. If Erin could get ahold of her, she could make her realize that nothing was going to happen. The officers searching Voight's home could care less about any recreational drug amounts at Voight's house. Unless Olive had enough drugs to be dealing, they wouldn't even look twice. Erin paced a few seconds, waiting for the call to finally connect. Seconds later, Erin heard another phone ringing in the apartment. Realizing it was coming from the diaper bag, Erin rummaged through the bag until she found the device.

"Damn it!" She had hoped if nothing else, she'd be able to put a trace on the phone and figure out where Olive had gone. Since Olive had left her cell here, Erin had no idea on how to reach her. Erin placed the abandoned phone on the table. Maybe she could use the contacts on Olive's phone to find out where she might be hiding out. Erin suspected that she wouldn't have gone far. Chicago was Olive's home. Erin tried to think about what family she had. She thought it was just an elderly aunt. She knew Olive had a sister somewhere, and that would probably be a good place to start. She'd need one of them to come and get Daniel tomorrow as well. Plus, it was more than likely that Olive had gone to one of them to hide out.

Erin tried Voight's cell and home, and they predictably went unanswered. Erin had no idea if he was still down at headquarters, in interrogation, lockup, or who knows. Taking a quick look at her phone, she realized it was only a little after two in the morning. She needed to get some more rest. She could handle this until morning. Once she got ahold of Voight, he'd get her in contact with Olive's family, and probably at least one of them would know where she had gone.

Erin glanced over at Daniel. He had abandoned his drink and was now laying on his back, the ear of his stuffed bunny grasped in his hand. Erin leaned over the side of the crib and gently stroked his cheek. Honestly, Olive might even be back by morning. Maybe she was just reacting to the stress of the evening. There was no way, that she seriously thought she'd go to jail over a bit of recreational drug use. The cops had been there for Hank, not her. Once she calmed down and sobered up, Olive would realize she needed to get her shit together and come be a mother to her child. Erin couldn't help but think of her own mom. She'd waited her entire life for Bunny to get her act together and do the right thing. She was still waiting. Olive wasn't Bunny though. Erin didn't want to excuse Olive's behavior, but she knew grief was overpowering at times. Erin knew that Olive loved Daniel more than anything. She just was overwhelmed and needed help. Erin knew of a few outreach programs that might be able to help. She added it to her list of things to do in the morning.

Realizing that there was no way she'd be able to go into work in the morning, she sent off a text to Antonio as well. He probably didn't even know about Voight yet. Erin's fingers hovered over contact list. The desire to talk to Jay was strong, _"I can't be your friend, Erin_." His words reverberated through her mind. His indifferent attitude and harsh words the last month filling her mind. She didn't need him. Tossing her phone onto the couch, she knelt down by the crib, resting her head against its side as she watched the baby drift off to sleep, blissfully unaware of how his life was falling apart around him.

Erin took a deep breath. She could do this. She could hold it together. She was going to get Hank out of jail or holding or wherever he was, she was going to find Olive and get her in rehab, and she was going to give this baby back his family if it was the last thing she did.

 **Okay, so….I snuck some plot into my story that didn't involve Jay being an ass. Hopefully you enjoyed it. I know most of us are all about Linstead, but I wanted to add a bit more depth to my story. Erin needs something else going on in her life besides just being sad about her ex all the time. Hope you liked it.**


	13. Chapter 13

Erin pulled up at Voight's house and hopped quickly out of the car. She opened the back door, and quickly unbuckled Daniel from his car seat. Hefting the baby into her arms, she kicked the door shut with her foot and sped up the steps. Erin noted all the cop cars from the evening before were gone. Either they had found what they were looking for, or they had given up. A quick glance up and down the street didn't reveal that anyone had stayed behind to provide surveillance the house, but you never know. Erin noted a darkened van half a block down. Hmmm…maybe they were watching after all.

Erin rang the doorbell, and tapped her toes impatiently. She had a key, but if had Hank had returned to his house this morning, she didn't want to take the risk of getting shot. Sure enough, she heard the creaking of the stairs inside his home that told her someone was in residence. The door opened, and a tired Voight appeared. A smile stretched across his face at the sight of Daniel, and Hank instantly reached for the young boy.

After releasing Daniel to his grandfather, Erin shouldered passed Hank into the house. "What the fuck is going on?" She demanded.

Hank gave her a censoring look, "Erin…" he cautioned.

Erin just rolled her eyes at his concern about her language. She was over it. She'd been burning up his phone all morning, and he hadn't responded to a single one of her texts or calls. She'd managed to get a few more hours of rest in, but Daniel was an early riser and had started calling for his mama pretty early. She'd called Olinsky who had been vague, but had let her know that Hank had been released. He was just as good at being evasive as Hank, and despite her pressing, hadn't given her any more information. She scrounged up some appropriate toddler food at her house, but as soon breakfast had been finished, she knew she had to get Daniel back to his home.

"Olive's gone." She crisply announced.

Hank turned to her in surprise. "What do you mean she's gone?" He gave her a pointed glare, "I told you to get her back to your place."

"I did!" Erin replied. "She snuck out of my place in the middle of the night." Pulling the note Olive had left behind, she handed it over to Hank. He bent to deposit Daniel onto the carpet, and the little boy quickly crawled over to his toy basket. Erin watched Hank's face as he read the note. His lips formed a harsh frown. He folded up the note and tucked it into his back pocket, and he regarded her wordlessly.

Erin was beyond frustrated at his silence, "I told you weeks ago that Olive needed help. Now she's abandoned her child."

Hank shook his head, "She didn't abandon him. She's just scared. Once she realizes that nobody is coming after her, she'll be back."

Erin rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Well, let's get her family over here to watch him." She threw him a look, "Then you and I are going to have a real talk about what Crowley has on you."

Hank narrowed his eyes, "No. There isn't anyone for Daniel. Just us."

"What do you mean 'just us?' What about her aunt?" She demanded.

"It's her great aunt, and she's like eighty something. She's in a nursing home. There's no way she can take care of a baby."

"Doesn't she have a sister?" Erin implored. Olive had to have some sort of family. Erin knew she had been born and raised in Chicago.

Hank nodded, "Yeah, but they don't have much of a relationship. Olive doesn't approve of her sister's life choices. She's into some rough stuff. I think she lives on the west coast somewhere. Phoenix? San Diego?"

"Great!" Erin was exasperated. Nice family Justin had gotten himself involved with. "So, what are you going to do?"

Hank gave a deep sigh and made his way to the couch, he slowly dropped down his eyes focusing on Daniel playing. Erin watched him for a few moments. He looked older somehow this morning. "I've been suspended."

Erin gritted her teeth. Seriously? Could nothing go their way? "What is going on?" She quietly asked, coming to sit next to him.

Hank gave her a nonchalant look, "They're accusing me of some crap. Extortion and bribery and some bull shit." He leveled her a serious look, "Nothing is going to stick, but I'm out of commission for now."

Erin let out a shaky breath, "What is it all about, Hank?"

He shook his head, "Nah, I'm keeping you out of this one." He reached across the couch and squeezed her knee, "You got dragged into this last time, and I am not making that mistake again." He gave an indulgent look toward Daniel. "Both of you. I want both of you far away from this."

"Okay, but…" Erin gestured toward Daniel. "What are we going to do about Daniel?"

Hank looked at her with a shrug, "I need you to take him." His voice was absolute as if everything had already been decided.

"What?" Erin looked at Hank like he was crazy. "I am not even …. I am not even related to him. Not really."

Hank leaned forward, his eyes serious. "Listen, they don't have anything solid on me, and I am going to make sure it stays that way. But if something goes down, I need to make sure that boy is not pulled down with me. If he's here with me, and they take me in, they'll realize that Olive bailed on him. Then who knows where he'll end up."

Erin just looked at Hank in disbelief. "I..I..can't, Hank. What am I supposed to do with him?" She was scared at the way Hank was talking. He kept saying that Crowley and company had nothing on him, but there was a seriousness about him that scared her. Usually he was so confident and arrogant about his decisions. There was doubt in his eyes, and it made her think that maybe Crowley had more on him than he was letting on.

"You are his aunt, Erin. In all the ways that count."

"But... but…" Erin looked over at Daniel worriedly. The boy was oblivious to the turmoil going on around him. He lay flat on his belly, banging on a noisemaker toy in front of him. "I can't take care of a kid, Hank. I've got work."

Hank gave her an encouraging look, "I'll still get Mrs. Deante to watch him. She's been craving having a baby around since her son and his family moved to Florida last year. She's discreet and won't ask where Olive's gone."

Erin just looked at Hank hopelessly, "This can't be real."

"It's temporary. Maybe a week." Hank reassured her. "I'll get people looking for Olive immediately. This business with Crowley will be over and done within a few days."

Erin just shook her head in disbelief. She heard what Hank was saying, and she knew he made some sort of twisted sense, but she still couldn't believe what was happening. Her taking care of a baby? Even with it being temporary, Erin just wasn't on board with the plan. Hank was looking at her with such insistence, Erin knew that he was leaving her with little other choice. Letting out a resigned sigh, she looked at Daniel. "A few days. That's all." Glancing back at Hank, "Get your shit settled. I can't do this on my own."

Hank smiled indulgently at her, "Yes, you can. You say you want to help me, and this is the best way that you can. Take care of my grandson."

….

Three hours later, Erin looked around her apartment in dismay. How could one little boy have so much crap. Hank had insisted that he move most of Daniel's belongings to her place, claiming the little boy would be more comfortable with his stuff around him after so much upheaval. He'd made two trips in his car depositing a high chair, a moving walking contraption, a stroller, a suitcase of clothes, boxes of diapers and food. There were bottles and sippy cups. Kiddie bowls and plastic spoons. Baskets of toys and books. He had even spent a half hour babyproofing her apartment with plugs and latches. Erin had just sat on the couch holding Daniel in disbelief as her apartment turned into an ad for Babies 'r Us. Just for a few days she had repeatedly insisted to Hank, and he had nodded in agreement, even as he drilled holes in the wood to put latches on the cabinets under sink to make sure Daniel didn't accidentally go exploring any cleaning chemicals.

At one point, concern had creeped up on her as she had overheard a heated argument with Hank and someone over the phone. He had stepped out into the hall to avoid being overhead, but curiosity had got the best of her. She had suspected it was Olinsky, by the frank tone that he had used. Hank had returned to apartment with his face clouded is dismay. Erin had tried to get him to stay for lunch, but he had been adamant he had some "things" to take care of. Erin had let him go, hoping whatever he was up to would result in either Olive returning or Hank being cleared of the charges Crowley was threatening him with.

Now alone in her living room, she sat watching Daniel explore his temporary home. Her eyes roamed the disaster of a mess her apartment had become. What the fuck was she going to do with a toddler?

…..

Erin sprinted up the stairs to Intelligence, punching her code into the keypad and waiting impatiently for the buzz that told her the latch had been released. She took the remaining stairs two at a time, and heard the voices of the squad before she saw them. They all spun where they stood to look at her. She knew she was a sight to see.

Yesterday had been fine with Daniel. She had entertained him throughout the day, even taking him on a walk to the local park. It had been fun to watch him chase the birds stumbling and falling on his unsteady legs. He had spent an hour playing in the sand box, and had cried sadly when Erin would push him no longer on the swings. Erin had cut up some fruit and hot dogs into small pieces for him to eat for dinner, and was proud of the fact she even got him fill his belly with peas and carrots. Much to Erin's delight, after a bath and a story book, Daniel had drifted off to sleep just a little after nine. Voight had confirmed a babysitter for the next day, and Erin had planned to drop the boy off at 8:30 a.m. That would give her a half hour to get to the office. Everything seemed so simple.

Only Daniel had not been so agreeable. He had refused to eat breakfast. He had smeared his food all over his clothes and hers, making her having to change him a second time and change her clothes as well. Once she had finally made it to Mrs. Deante's, Daniel had moved into full blown tantrum mode. Erin hadn't felt comfortable just dropping him off crying, so she had called Hank and made him come over. He had looked irritatingly amused at the sight of a hysterical Daniel and disheveled Erin. She had just thrown the diaper bag at him, and apologized to Mrs. Deante. The older woman had smiled reassuringly, and told her that babies had a hard time with changes in a routine, but usually settle in after a few weeks. Erin had looked at her in horror, and confirmed with Hank. It _would_ only be a few days, _not_ a few weeks. Hank had nodded in agreement, but had been distracted by fawning over his grandson, who irritatingly had ceased his crying and now looked angelically up at his grandpa.

Needless to say, Erin arrived at work twenty minutes late. It was no surprise to her that the entire squad stopped and stared at her as she arrived.

"Sorry, I'm late." She murmured. She could feel all eyes on her as she slipped into her chair. She knew word was out about Voight's suspension, and with her being out yesterday, she knew the rumors were probably going crazy. Atwater and Jay had both texted her yesterday. She had been quick to reply that everything was fine, and that she would be in the next day. Her and Hank had decided they weren't going to mention what was going on with Olive to anyone. When Olive did return and got herself straightened out, they wanted to make sure there was no Child Protection Services record of this. Erin felt in her heart that Olive really was a good mom. Everything she had seen before Justin's death had showed Erin that she was devoted to Daniel. She didn't want this one reckless decision to chase Olive for the rest of her life.

Erin directed her attention to the board, where Antonio was updating them on their current case. Erin knew they had been working something new since yesterday, and she focused her attention on the details on the board to try and catch up. Soon Antonio had Jay and her calling friends and coworkers of the suspect, trying to find a connection to the victim. She could sense Jay staring at her periodically, but kept her eyes adverted. She didn't want to get into another fight with him. She had bigger problems in her life right now than her failed relationship.

"I've got something." Jay stood from his desk. "An coworker says Velasquez and him were at a club a few weeks ago and there was a girl there that Velasquez said he dated. Seemed pretty pissed about it. Might be the vic."

Dawson nodded from his desk, "Okay, you and Lindsay check it out."

Erin nodded and slipped her jacket on, following Jay out of the room. Within minutes they were headed across town.

"Everything, okay?" Jay suddenly asked. Erin was surprised that Jay was voicing his concern. With silence and avoidance usually being their current form of communication, she didn't think that Jay would actually bring his concerns up.

"Yep." Erin responded curtly. She didn't want to get into anything with Jay. Keeping him in the dark seemed to be the easiest route. He already had such strong feelings about Voight and her relationship with him. She knew that he'd disapprove of their covering for Olive.

Several more minutes passed, "Any word on Voight?"

"Nope." Erin returned, keeping her eyes on the road.

She could hear Jay sigh in annoyance, but Erin didn't care. Jay had made his decision to not be in her life, and he could deal with it now. As much as she needed and wanted to get everything off her chest, he had made it very clear that he didn't want to be part of her support system _. I can't be your friend, Erin._ His words constantly replayed in her head. Despite occasional actions that showed maybe he didn't mean those words, she wasn't willing to risk her heart again.

"Is he coming back?" Jay persisted.

"Don't know." She snapped.

"Erin," he began annoyed. "I'm just trying figure out the truth. Rumors are flying around here."

Erin just shrugged and kept her eyes on the road. "Why don't you give Crowley a call and ask her?"

Jay let out an exasperated grunt. "You are being difficult."

Erin threw him a dirty look as she pulled up to a red light, "How do you want me to be?"

"Come on, Er. I'm your partner. You can tell me what's really going on."

Erin let out a harsh laugh, "Please. A few weeks ago you were trying to get assigned a new partner."

Jay smacked his lips together making an annoyed sound. "I was pissed that day. I didn't really want a new partner. You know that."

Erin just threw him a disgusted look. She noted the light had turned green and drew her eyes back to the road. "Whatever. What about not wanting to be my friend? Questioning my loyalty?" She paused for a moment realizing she was talking about the very things she had sworn she wasn't going to get into with him. "You haven't exactly put yourself out there as my confidant lately."

The silence stretched out between them, and Erin knew she had struck a nerve. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see his eyes moving between her and the road. Soon Erin pulled up to the place where they were to meet their informant. Erin moved to get out of the car, when Jay suddenly grabbed her elbow to prevent her from moving. She reluctantly sat back against the car seat and gave him her attention albeit with an annoyed face.

"I'm just trying to figure it all out, okay. Everything went down the hole and I couldn't deal with it. It all fell apart, and I blamed you." Erin was surprised at the soft tone his voice had taken on. She met his eyes, and was taken aback by the seriousness reflected there. "For a long time I thought you'd just come back to me and tell me you'd been made a mistake. That you'd changed your mind. I really just thought you were scared and once you had a little space, you'd…" Jay let out a shuddering breath. He locked eyes with her, and Erin saw the raw emotion there. "I _thought_ you'd say yes, Erin."

Erin sucked in a shocked breath at that. She was stunned at his admission. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She just looked at Jay wordlessly. Had he really been hoping this whole time that she'd come back to him. Noting her stunned silence, Jay continued, "Then, after the Harris case. I didn't want that anymore. I wanted you as far away from me as possible. I was just so angry at you, me, everyone, everything."

Erin looked at him with wide eyes. She felt it was his first honest conversation with her in ages, "And now?" She softly whispered.

"I'm trying, Erin. I don't want to be an ass. I just want us to go back to how we used to be."

Erin looked at him sharply, _Did he want to get back-_

He kept talking, "When we were first partners and things weren't so damn complicated."

Erin bit her lip to hold the hope that had flared briefly back. "Yeah, well, okay." She tried to clear her head. Emotions flooded through her, but she didn't know how to deal with what Jay was telling her. Did he want to be friends? Maybe more? She pulled her gaze away from his, not wanting him to see too much of her true feelings. He already knew how to easily get to her, and while Erin didn't think he was trying to manipulate her. She knew that Jay wanted answers. "I really don't know anything about Voight. He's not talking to me." She looked back up at him. She hoped he believed her.

Jay studied her intently, and Erin knew he was searching her face looking for signs that she was lying. Apparently she covered well. He nodded, "Well, if you need anything. Just ask."

Erin nodded, broke the eye contact, and slipped out of the car. She felt unsteady thinking about Jay's honesty. It was something she'd wanted to hear from him for months. Even just listening to him admit he blamed her and was angry at her, helped give Erin a clue into why he'd been acting the way he had. She was shocked to hear that he'd still been holding out hope for her to change her mind and agree to marry him.

Honestly she didn't want to even think about it all anymore. She had more important things to think about than their past right now. If he didn't want to be an ass anymore, that'd be great. With her personal life in disarray, she needed a little normalcy at her job if possible. Everything else…everything else she was just going to push to the side for now.

…

Erin was surprised by the excitement she felt when she pulled up at Mrs. Deante's house that evening to pick up Daniel. When the babysitter opened the door holding him, Erin broke into a grin. All that mattered during this was that Daniel knew that people cared about him.

"Hey, big guy. How was your day?" She was pleased when he reached for her and wrapped his chubby arms around her neck. She smiled down at him and nuzzled his curls. Looking up at Mrs. Deante she questioned, "Was he good today?"

The older woman smiled warmly, "He had a great day. His poppa spent awhile with him this morning. We bundled up and went down to the park for a bit." She ruffled his hair a bit, "He's been up from his afternoon nap for a few hours and already had an afternoon snack. Probably will be ready for dinner in another hour."

Erin grabbed the car seat from by the door and slipped the diaper bag over her shoulder. "Well, that sounds perfect. Thank you so much, Mrs. Deante. I appreciate all this so much. I know it has all been last minute."

"Not a bother. It actually made my day. I've been bored out of my mind the last few months since Johnny moved his family down to Orlando." She gave Erin sad look, "Been thinking of just packing up and moving down their myself, but my sister is till up here."

Erin confirmed that she would be back tomorrow, and decided to make the drop off twenty minutes earlier. Mrs. Deante easily agreed, and even warned Erin that if she ever got a middle of the night call, she was good to drop him off last minute as well. She still had her guest room set up for her grandkids and Daniel would do fine there. Erin thanked her again and set off. As she pulled down the street, she couldn't help but notice that Hank's house was dark. His car wasn't on the street where he usually parked it. Erin wondered where he was.

Once she got home, she got Daniel settled and started dinner. She was feeding him and laughing at his little antics. It was nice. She actually felt like she was contributing to someone's life a bit. Instead of just zoning out with a beer in front of the television, it was fun to play and goof off a little.

It was close to nine when Hank finally returned her latest call. "Is Daniel all settled?" He asked.

Erin kept her voice low as she moved into the other room. Erin wasn't sure if he was a light sleeper or not. "Yeah, he just went down a bit ago. Did you get ahold of anyone?"

"I've got a call out to her sister. Stopped by the place where the great aunt lives. She gave me a few numbers, but most of them were out of service. Not sure if that's gonna turn out anything."

"So nothing?" Erin let out a sigh. As much she enjoyed hanging with the little, guy, Erin knew he needed someone else.

"I've got a list of her friends to look into tomorrow. A few from high school, and an old roommate that she had a couple years ago." He paused for a moment, and Erin could tell he was holding back on something.

"What?" She pressed.

She could tell Hank was debating sharing something, but eventually he continued. "She's been talking to some people that I thought she'd moved on from. Looking at her text records and call list. Some of them are trouble. Don't think most of them are going to be receptive on hearing from cops. Even if they know where she is, I am thinking they'd keep quiet."

Erin let out an annoyed breath, "Alright, but still. Just a few days, Hank. I can't do this for long."

"I know." He responded, although Erin felt like he was just placating her.

"What about Crowley? You hear anything about that?"

Hank quickly responded, "Don't worry about that. You just worry about keeping my grandson safe and I will take care of everything else."

She sighed dejectedly again, "Okay. Keep me updated."

"I will," Erin was just about to hang up when he continued, "Erin, you're a good auntie."

Erin chuckled slightly as she hung up.

 **I know there wasn't that much Linstead in the last two chapters, but I promise it will be back in the next. Just wanted to move the plot along with some other interactions. Jay will find his way into the loop of what is going on with Erin and Daniel soon. How do you think he will react?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: Well, either not too many of you enjoyed the last chapter, or everyone just really want more Linstead interaction. I only had a few reviews. I hope people aren't losing interest. I've still got quite a bit planned. I hope this chapter delivers what people are looking for.**

Erin was exhausted. She had been tired in the past. Up twenty-four hours for an all-night stakeout. Days spent chasing suspects with only a few hours of sleep. But nothing, NOTHING, could ever compare to the last two weeks. Two weeks of non-stop, never resting, go-go-go. Laundry, dishes, more laundry, cleaning up the apartment, only to needing to clean up again fifteen minutes later. Then more laundry. Seriously? He was one! How could someone so little produce so many dirty clothes in such a short time period. And the cleaning. She would clean up all the toys and then she'd turn around find them all out again. It wasn't that Erin was a neat freak, but she liked a tidy living space. That was all gone though.

Managing the juggle of drop off and pick up, work, and chores took quite a bit of effort, but Erin was getting it done. Mrs. Deante was a life saver. Erin had actually no idea how she would have managed with a more traditional child care. She felt at ease leaving him every day, and Mrs. Deante had even kept him twice overnight for her when the job required late night work. Of course, Erin probably felt pretty comfortable knowing that Hank was only three doors down and across the street. From his front window, he could see the front of Mrs. Deante's house.. Hank was still keeping his distance from Erin though. They'd talk via phone and text, but she rarely saw him. Erin knew he spent hours each day with Daniel, accompanying them to the park and taking meals with him Erin still thought Hank should have just taken Daniel on himself, but she got what he was saying. By not having Daniel living in his home, if investigators or "enemies" came looking for Voight, Daniel was not involved.

Despite the stress, exhaustion, and chaos, Erin felt steady. She felt good. There was a purpose in her life that she had never felt before. Somebody out there relied on her 100%. Daniel needed her in a way that nobody else ever had. She could give him something that she had never been able to give someone in the past. Unconditional love. Not that she didn't love the other people in her life. She did. Hank and Justin, they had been her family, but she always felt she had to prove something to them. Prove to Hank that she was worth the effort he had put in to save her. She had always felt like she couldn't mess up, couldn't risk anything, because she'd let the Voight family down and they would realize they should have never saved her to begin with. With Jay, she had loved him, but there was a part of her she realized, that was always waiting for him to see that she maybe wasn't quite good enough for him. That if he ever saw that secret inner part of her, maybe he wouldn't love her after all. She didn't think she had knowingly hid a part of herself from him, but the more she thought about it, the more she wondered if that was why marrying him seemed like something she could never do. How could you hide yourself from someone every day for the rest of your life?

But Daniel, he looked at her like she hung the moon. Everything she did was exciting and funny to him. She could make him smile with just a tickle or a funny face. Erin envied Olive and her little boy, but she could not comprehend how she had left him. How could Olive look at his face every day, and not want to live a better life for him. Erin had only been with him for two weeks, and already she had a different perspective on life. Work was only a job, and getting home to make sure Daniel was being taken care of was just as important as how she spent her days.

Erin didn't delude herself that she was Daniel's mother or anything. She knew she was a temporary solution to a difficult situation. She was a glorified babysitter, and in all honesty, Mrs. Deante spent more time with the little guy than she did, but she was happy that she was able to give him a sense of normalcy during this time when his mom was gone.

They were still actively searching for Olive. Her and Voight had called every contact in Olive's phone at least twice. As predicted, most of her "friends" didn't respond well when being talked to by the police. Many had their own history with law enforcement, and assumed that they wanted Olive for a police matter. Several didn't even seem to be aware that Olive had a son and had been married. Giving up on Olive's friends, they had moved to their own personal informants. Problem was, they had to still keep it quiet. Putting too much information out there meant putting the fact that Olive had left Daniel out there as well. For now, it seemed they were at a standstill, waiting for Olive to decide to reach out.

Erin had resigned that she was going to be Daniel's caretaker for the time being. She couldn't help but acknowledge that she was living the life she had adamantly told Jay that she didn't want. Voight had made her promise not to share anything that was going on in their personal lives with the squad. Only Al was in the loop, so Jay was unaware of the recent changes to her life. It didn't mean he didn't realize something was going on. They had formed a temporary truce after Voight's suspension. Jay seemed to be walking on eggshells around her, but Erin surmised it was just because he knew the stress she was dealing with regarding Voight's suspension. He'd been taking on part of her paperwork so she could leave early, and had covered for her when she'd come back late from lunch after checking on Daniel. She knew he was curious about what was going on and assumed she was meeting with Hank, but Erin just kept telling him that she hadn't seen Voight in over a week, which was technically true. Eventually he stopped asking, but Erin realized he had just moved onto another source. He seemed to be spending a lot of time in the office with Antonio. As temporary head of Intelligence, Erin assumed that Dawson was getting some info regarding Hank's case from headquarters. A hearing was scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving, and even though they hid it from Erin, the whole team was discussing what the possible outcome might be. There were hushed whispers when she entered a room, knowing glances exchanged between the team members, and pitiful looked thrown her way.

Even now, Erin could feel Jay's gaze narrow on her as she got up from her desk and made her way to the break room to refill her coffee. It was early evening, and by the look of things, they'd be heading home in a little while. Erin was trying desperately to get a second wind. It may have only been six o'clock, but Erin was bone tired. Daniel and sleep were the only things on her mind. Knowing she still had several more hours before her head was going to hit the pillow, she needed another dose of caffeine. Erin groaned in frustration when she saw that the coffee pot was empty. She spent a few minutes making new coffee, then dropped into one of the break room chairs to wait while it brewed. Almost involuntarily, her head dropped to the table and she cradled it in crook of her arms. She wasn't going to fall asleep, she told herself, even as her eyes drifted shut.

"Are you sick?" Jay's voice interrupted her catnap. She was surprised when she lifted her head to see him pouring some of _her_ coffee into his mug. Had she actually fallen asleep during the ten minutes or so it might have taken to brew the coffee? It sure looked that way. Jay was eyeing her with a bit of concern.

"No, I'm good. Just tired." Erin dragged herself out of her chair, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She grabbed her cup off the hook, and held out her mug for Jay to fill. He obliged, but still kept a worried frown on his face.

"You've been late a lot this week." She could hear the disapproval in his voice.

Erin cocked her eyebrow at him, "Antonio ask you check my time card?" Erin knew that she'd been rolling in later this week. Not that she really was late. She just almost always was early in the past. Although truthfully, she had been actually a little late a few days, and maybe really late once or twice. It was hard. Somedays Daniel went smoothly from home to Mrs. Deante's, but other days it was a series of problems and drama. It was getting easier, but at the same time harder.

Jay gave her a stern look, he tossed a quick look over his shoulder to make sure they weren't being overheard, then lowered his voice. "You've been hungover almost every day. Knock this off, lay off the partying, and get your shit together."

Erin's mouth dropped open in shock, "You think I'm drunk?" She couldn't believe what Jay was telling her. She could see disappointment rolling off him and directed at her. She was exhausted from changing diapers, doing laundry, and making baby food, and Jay thought she was partying each night? She almost laughed it was so ridiculous.

Jay crossed the room and quietly closed the break room door. "You're constantly late and can barely keep your eyes open. You are unfocused and distracted. You take off at lunch and return late, and you are constantly trying to leave early." He lowered his voice a bit, "You reeked of puke the other day."

Erin couldn't hold in the laughter anymore. "You are going to feel like an idiot when you realize that I-" Erin broke off. She wanted to tell Jay what was going on, but she knew she couldn't. Hank was still in over his head at headquarters. His hearing was still two weeks away. She gritted her teeth. "I'm not getting wasted each night, Jay."

Jay just looked at her doubtfully. "I can't cover for you with Dawson much longer."

Anger flared in Erin, "I never _asked_ you to cover for me. I thought you were just being a good partner."

"I have been a good partner!" Jay replied his voice rising.

Erin just shook her head in disbelief. Just when she thought they were getting back to a better place. She just couldn't believe Jay thought she was going there. The reality was so far from the truth. Erin was so irritated. She had thought she could keep Jay in the dark over what was going on, but clearly he was digging and suspected something was going on. She wanted him out of her head.

In a split second, she made a decision, "You know what, Jay. We've had this argument more times than I care for. You clearly are done having me as a partner. You don't want to cover for me, then don't. Talk to Antonio. With Voight gone, I am sure he'd be more receptive to getting you a new partner."

Erin dumped her forgotten coffee into the sink, and she walked out the door. She dropped into her chair and ignored the curious looks from the rest of the team. Truly, at this point, she kind of hope Jay did go to Antonio. Maybe if she was partnered up with Al for a bit, all this would be easier. Her eyes lifted as Jay emerged from the break room. She saw him hesitate and give a glance into Antonio's office, relief soared through her as he continued to his desk.

Erin was angry at herself. Life would just be so much easier if they didn't spend every day together. She could move on, and he could move on. Yet, she just couldn't deny the constant connection she had with him. She could push him away, but the tie just couldn't be broken. He seemed no more willing to let her go, than she was willing to walk away either. She looked back at her computer screen and let herself get lost in her work.

…..

Evening approached quickly, and with no leads, a little after seven Antonio rolled out of his office. "Alright, guys. Looks like nothing more is going to happen tonight. Why don't you take off, have a beer, and I will see you all tomorrow."

Erin powered off her computer and started straightened her desk. She realized that someone was looming over her. Expecting Jay, she was surprised when looking up, she saw both Atwater and Ruzek standing at her desk. Furrowing her brow in confusion, "Yes?" she questioned.

"Headed to Molly's. You in?" Ruzek asked.

Erin smiled regretfully, "Not tonight, boys. I've got plans."

The two exchanged glances. "Come on, Lindsay. It's Cruz's birthday, and Otis says the first round is on him. It's a once in a lifetime experience." Ruzek continued.

Erin shook her head, "Sounds like it will a fun night, but sorry." She shuffled the loose papers on her desk into their folder.

Ruzek gave it another shot. "Erin. You haven't been out with us in weeks. We need you as our wingwoman."

Confusion spread across her face. "You need me? How's that work?"

Ruzek shrugged, "Well, when we are talking to the girls, they see that we are hanging with a cool chick, then they know that we are stand up guys. No girl is going to hang with a bunch of idiots."

Erin couldn't help but laugh at that logic. "Well, I appreciate the invite guys, but I really do have unbreakable plans tonight. You'll just have to charm the girls with your personalities."

Atwater laughed and held out his hand towards Ruzek. With exaggerated effort, Ruzek pulled out his wallet, slipped out a twenty-dollar bill, and slapped it into Kevin's outstretched hand. Observing the scene, Erin's eyebrow rose in curiosity. "What is that?"

Atwater smiled at Erin, "Thanks, Lindsay. Your predictable refusal to hang with your friends got me a few extra drinks on Ruzek tonight." He snapped the twenty gleefully before tucking it into his shirt pocket.

Erin rolled eyes. "Seriously, guys? I have plans. What's the big deal."

Atwater shrugged his voice smooth, "Hey, it's no big deal. I mean, I know we all used to be cool, but now you ain't got time to hang with us anymore. You go hang with your new friends."

Erin let out an exasperated breath. She knew that she hadn't hung out with anyone since she had started taking care of Daniel, but how could she justify taking a few more hours away from home after having him with a babysitter all day. "I'd like to go guys, for real. I just can't tonight."

Ruzek leaned over desk and lightly tapped her phone that lay on top of her files. "Just pick up the phone and send a little text to your new boyfriend telling him you can't hang tonight because you miss your real friends." He pushed the phone towards her a bit.

Erin darted a quick look at Jay after the boyfriend comment, but his interest was a hundred percent on his own phone. "Guys, I don't have a new b-" Right as she was going to deny the new boyfriend, her phone lit up. She snatched it up from Ruzek's prying eyes, and was surprised to see a text from Voight.

 _Go. Go out with the guys tonight._

Erin's eyes scanned the squad room thinking for some bizarre reason she would find Hank hiding somewhere in the office. Her eyes then focused on Olinsky, leaning back in his chair, his phone in his hands. His eyes met hers for a moment and he gave an almost unperceivable nod. Erin still hesitated for a moment. She had made a commitment after all. Her phone buzzed again.

 _You deserve a night out. I'll grab Daniel and take him over to your place and get him settled in for the night. Just don't be too late._

Despite permission from Hank, Erin was still unsure. Wasn't the whole point of this ruse to keep Daniel away from Hank? She looked up and saw Adam and Kevin had already headed back to their desks to start packing up to leave. She kind of did miss the doofuses. They were like little brothers to her. Annoying and irritating, but she nevertheless enjoyed spending time with them.

"Okay, guys! You win. But I am not buying _any_ of my own drinks tonight." Both guys grinned at her, with Ruzek holding out his hand to Kevin, waiting for his money to be returned.

Erin stood, and slipped her jacket and beanie on. She couldn't help but let her eyes drift towards where she could see Jay gathering his belongings as well. He gave her an indecipherable look. Erin didn't care. Jay could think what he wanted. If he thought she was a wasteful drunk, maybe she would let him see what he wanted to see tonight. Despite her ire, Erin knew that she wouldn't though. As much as she would like to prove something to Jay, she still couldn't wait to get home to Daniel. Two drinks and she was going to be out of there. Just enough to appease her friends. Knowing those two, thirty minutes after they'd arrive, they'd probably be off flirting with the badge bunnies that always hung around Molly's looking for firemen and police officers to hook up with.

…

Molly's was packed, and many had turned out to celebrate the lovable firefighter's birthday. After greeting the birthday boy and host, the squad had squeezed in at a table with Sylvie, Burgess, and Tay, Kim's new partner. Everyone was feeling jovial, and Erin had to admit maybe it had been a good decision to come out tonight. After two stressful weeks, strike that, five stress filled months, it was nice to laugh and joke with her friends and colleagues. The reactions from many of her friends over actually seeing her out, made her realize that her absence had been noted.

Erin was on her way back from a restroom break, she bumped into Kelly Severide. "Hey," he greeted her happily wrapping his arms around her in a quick hug. Erin couldn't remember the last time she had seen him. Lowering his voice, he whispered into her ear. "I heard about Voight. You okay?"

Erin nodded. She appreciated the concern, but she didn't want to discuss it at Molly's, and certainly not with Kelly. The two had dated a few years ago, but it had fizzled out. She enjoyed his friendship, but they weren't exactly confidants. Like most of the firefighters, he had a tenuous relationship with Voight. Most knew Hank had crossed the line at times, but he had also gone above and beyond for many of them. Pulling back to look at him, Erin just smiled up at Kelly, "I'm good. Everything will be worked out soon."

He released her and turned to the bar, flagging down a haggard looking Herman, "Let me get you a drink."

They made chit chat at the bar for a few minutes. Kelly catching her up on the recent developments with Casey and Gabby's foster son, Louie, and updating her on his new living quarters. Suddenly, Erin felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around, she was surprised to see Detective Evan Garcia.

"Hi," she exclaimed in surprise. It felt like she was seeing everyone she knew tonight.

Evan leaned in and gave her a kiss on her cheek. Erin felt herself flush at the gesture. She didn't really think they were at that intimate level. It reminded her immediately of the last time she had seen him face to face. The image of them kissing passionately against her car sprang into her mind. Looking up at his smiling eyes, she suspected he was thinking of the same moment.

Hearing Kelly clear his throat behind her, she stepped back to introduce the two. "Detective Evan Garcia, this is Lieutenant Kelly Severide from fire station 51." Both men shook hands, and Erin cringed a bit as she noted the tight hand shake, raised chins, and slightly puffed out chests, as they sized each other up. Men were so juvenile at times.

Evan gave her a sly look, "So, new boyfriend?" He looked knowingly at Kelly. Erin could tell he thought that her lack of interest in dating him was because she had gotten involved with someone new.

Kelly laughed and answered before Erin could, "Ah, no. Old boyfriend." He gave Erin a grin and gestured toward Evan. "Is this your new guy?"

Evan jumped in, "I thought you said your ex was a cop, not a firefighter."

Erin crossed her arm in annoyance at neither man letting her actually talk. "No." She waved her hand between the two of them. "No boyfriends here. I am not involved with you or you." She pointed at both of them in irritation. "I am not dating either of you, nor do I ever plan to date either one of you again. I am just here to have a drink and a good time."

Both men seemed to enjoy her frustration and laughed at her expense. Kelly leaned in, and put his hand on Evan's back pulling him in a little closer. "Two tables back, guy in the black hoodie glaring at us. That's her guy."

Erin swung her head around, and sure enough Jay was openly glaring at the trio. Erin looked back at the two men. "Thanks guys, that's all I needed."

Kelly chuckled, "Oh, come on, Erin. You know I was just kidding. Jay and I are cool." While they weren't exactly buddies, there had never been any real tension between the two. Her and Kelly had ended well before her and Jay had taken up. Although Kelly probably wouldn't be pleased to know that he had been merely a distraction to keep her interest in her partner from growing.

Erin noted Evan was looking over at Jay with interest, "Ah, so there's the partner. The real ex-boyfriend." His eyes had narrowed as he gave Jay the once over.

Erin grabbed his arm and jerked his attention back at her, "Stop staring. He's going to think we are talking about him."

"We _are_ talking about him." Evan deadpanned. Erin punched him in the gut, satisfied when he grabbed his stomach in pain.

Kelly again laughed, "You must not know Erin very well. Don't mess with her. She's a badass." Kelly smiled fondly at Erin, while she just sent him an annoyed smirk. The smile faded a bit as his eyes drifted back over Erin's shoulder to where she assumed Jay still sat watching them. "Is everything okay between you two?"

"No." Erin immediately responded, before regretting the quick response. Kelly had immediately set his jaw and narrowed his eyes at Jay. She really didn't want Kelly to get involved in this mess. It was already complicated enough. "I mean, we're fine. Just you know. Work is just rough lately."

Erin could tell Kelly wasn't buying it though. His eyes when he looked back at Erin didn't hold the laughter that usually could be found in them. Evan took that moment to speak up, "I already volunteered to kick his ass for her, but she turned me down." He slid his eyes toward her playfully, "In every way."

Erin grabbed her beer bottle off the bar top. "Okay. Nobody is kicking anyone's ass here, but me. Cause that is exactly what I am going to do to both of you, if you don't drop this. I've had enough of reuniting with y'all, I am going to return to my table." At that Erin spun around and started shuffling back through the crowded bar to her table.

"Fiesty," she heard Evan murmur as she walked away.

"You have no idea," she heard Kelly reply.

Erin rolled her eyes as she returned to the table dismissing both men from her mind. Ruzek was in the middle of telling Sylvie an outrageous story, while Atwater kept interrupting to correct his exaggerated facts. Erin noted that Kim gave her a warning look as she approached, tilting her head slightly Jay's way. Reluctantly, Erin let her gaze move in that direction. His anger at her was unmistakable. Silently, Erin shrugged at him gesturing in confusion. What was he so mad about? So what? She was just talking to a few friends.

Abruptly, Jay stood and Erin watched as he headed towards the door. Her mind warred over whether or not to go after him. Realizing all conversation at the table had stopped, she noted everyone was staring at her expectantly. Erin let out a sigh of exasperation and spun around to chase her ex-boyfriend down. As she pushed out the doors of Molly's, she realized she wouldn't have to go far. Jay was standing right outside the door with his arms crossed clearly waiting for her. Apparently, he had rightfully known that she would follow him.

She had barely exited Molly's when he erupted, "I don't care if you date them, Erin, but keep me out of it. I don't want your boyfriends sitting there talking shit about me."

"We weren't talking shit, Jay. I was just talking with them." Erin knew that wasn't exactly the truth, but she didn't think that Jay would appreciate that Kelly and Evan had been discussing kicking his ass. With his occasionally volatile temper lately, he might try and turn the crowd at Molly's into an out and out brawl.

His eyes were narrowed and his stance defensive. "Well, keep my name out of their mouths."

"You're being an ass again, Jay." Erin had had enough. "You don't get to control me anymore."

Jay was taken aback at her words. "I don't try and control you."

"Don't you?" Erin countered. She couldn't take it anymore. "Ever since I said no to you, you have been controlling me and this relationship. You make the decision that we should get married, and when I don't agree, then you are done with me. You are willing to sleep with me, but don't want to actually be with me. _You_ get mad at me for dating, but have no problem hooking up with girls at your place. _You_ decide when we can be friends and when we can't."

Erin took steps toward him, shoving him with her hands in anger, "What about _me_ , Jay? What about ever thinking about what I need? You only see what you want to see and don't even know what I have been dealing with. Get over yourself, Jay, because I am most certainly over you!" Anger coursing through her, Erin gave him one last shove, and then took off towards her car. She had better things to do than to stand in a parking lot arguing for the millionth time with her ex-boyfriend.

Erin was beyond mad that Jay had ruined her night out. Two hours. That was all she had wanted. Two hours to relax, have a few drinks, converse with good friends, and just exhale. Erin took a few steadying breaths as she started her car. While she drove, she replayed the two different arguments she'd had with Jay today. She really was done with it. She was going to go to Antonio herself and ask him to switch things up. They had promised each other that getting involved wouldn't affect their jobs, but clearly they had been wrong. It was embarrassing, but she knew in heart it was for the best. If Jay was this angry and distrustful of her, there was no way he should be the one covering her back on the job. Once her mind was made up, Erin actually did feel a sense of relief pass over her. She knew it was the right decision.

Glancing at her watch, she was surprised that it was after ten. Erin unlocked her apartment door, and quietly passed through the door. She could see the light from the television, although no sound could be heard as she walked into the darkened apartment. She smiled as she entered the living room. Voight sat on the couch with an asleep Daniel cradled against his chest. Erin smiled at her family. Her family. This is why she was doing everything. To protect her guys.

Voight stood slowly, careful not to wake Daniel. Erin walked over to meet him, and looked at Daniel's sleeping face. "Did he have a good night?" she whispered.

"Of course. He's an angel." Hank replied instantly as only a grandparent does.

Erin reached out to take Daniel, and Hank successfully transferred the sleeping child to Erin's arms. "Wait just a minute. I'll put him down and then we can talk a bit," Erin said.

Voight shook his head, "No, it's late. I've got to go." He immediately began walking toward the door.

"Hank…" Erin protested. She hadn't seen him face to face in two weeks, and she really wanted to talk with him. She wanted more information about his case and about his search for Olive, but he had already grabbed his keys off the table and had his hand on the door.

Hank turned at the door, and looked back at Erin who had followed him. "Glad you had a chance for a night out. You deserve a break." Quickly he dropped kisses to Daniel's forehead and Erin's temple. "Good night."

Erin just stood there in frustration as he walked out the door. Why were the men in her life so damn frustrating! Glancing down at Daniel, she excluded him from her ire, for the most part. He did have a tendency for spitting up on her. Not really wanting to let the sleeping boy out of her arms just yet, she sank down onto the couch where Voight himself had just sat minutes earlier. She relished the weight of the him against her chest and softly stroked his hair. He seemed so content in his rest, and Erin was reassured that she was making all the right decisions. Protecting Daniel was her only priority. Nothing else really mattered.

Rapid knocking suddenly filled the room. Erin did a quick glance around the apartment, realizing that Hank must have left something behind. Not immediately seeing anything, Erin took a few quick steps toward the door. She shifted Daniel to her hip carefully, as she opened the door only to see the startled blue eyes of Jay.

Oh, shit.

 **Author's Note: Predictable, I know, but it's time for Jay to get a real peek at what is going on with Erin. Although honestly, I think this just might create more "complications." Happy reading. Review and give me an idea of how you think Jay might react to the Daniel, Olive, and Voight drama.**

 **P.S. It is really hard to write Jay as a jerk when he is being so amazing on the show! "Do your thing, babe." Argh!**


	15. Chapter 15

The stunned look on Jay's face would have actually been comical if Erin hadn't been having a mental breakdown inside. She stumbled backwards a few steps away from the front door, wishing desperately that she could go back in time ten seconds and use the peephole before answering her door. Anger and fear filled her as she looked at Jay's bewildered face.

"What are you doing here?" She quietly hissed, cognizant of the fact that Daniel still lay asleep in her arms.

"What am I-? Wh-what am I doing here?" Jay gave a quick look down the empty hallway, as if verifying he was even at the right apartment, before stepping inside and pulling the door shut behind him. "What the hell is going on here?" Jay demanded.

"Jay!" Erin shushed him, motioning to the baby. She acknowledged the irony of her asking Jay to watch his language, just as Voight had reprimanded her last month. It was amazing what actually spending time with a child made you more aware of.

Erin glared at Jay, furious that somehow he was here in her home. She thought after their argument outside Molly's that he would be ready to just walk away. She knows she was, but now he was here, and he didn't seem all too pleased with her either. She could see a myriad of emotions crossing his features. Anger mixed with confusion and disbelief. He had followed her into the short hallway that led to the living room, and Erin subconsciously kept backing away from him. Realizing what she was doing and not wanting to seem cowardly, she stood her ground and lifted her chin, holding Daniel protectively in her arms.

"What do you want Jay? Why are you here?" Erin asked, trying to keep her voice sounding confident. This was her home and she was in control, or at least she kept telling herself that. Jay ignored her and kept approaching until he was just inches away. His intense gaze moved from her to Daniel, swept the room, observing all the baby paraphernalia, and landed back on her. She could see a thousand questions racing through his mind, and Erin's mind was panicking as she tried to prepare herself and think of how to counter what she knew would be an unpleasant discussion.

Unable to just stand there and face his probing glare, Erin spun around and started moving around the room. She swiped a cup and plate Hank had left on the end table, and moved them to the kitchen sink. The whole time holding tight to Daniel, rocking him gently as he slept oblivious to the turmoil she was going through. As Erin looked back into the living room, there Jay stood, arms crossed expectantly. She recognized the look on his face as the one he usually presented when interrogating suspects.

"Erin, go put the baby down," he stated, his voice firm. When she stubbornly refused to move, he took a step toward her. "A sleeping baby is not going to protect you from this conversation. So if you don't want him to hear it, I suggest you put him in the other room."

Erin narrowed her eyes at his tone, "I don't really appreciate your intimidation tactics, Jay, but I _don't_ want Daniel to wake up, so I will put him in his crib." Erin gave him a withering look, and then strode into her bedroom. Gently she laid Daniel into his crib, glad she finally got the maneuver down now to where she could transfer him to his bed without disturbing his sleep. She stood for just a few moments watching him sleep peacefully. She really didn't want to leave. It's not that she was actually intimidated by Jay, nor did she really think that he meant anything by it. It was just hard to deal with him. The last few months after their break up had just been so confusing.

Had it really just been three months ago that they had spent a blissful summer, happy and in love. She tried to search her heart for those memories. They easily flooded her as it was harder to push them away than to retrieve them. In her mind she saw the Jay she knew best. Caring blue eyes, quick to crinkle in amusement. Their lightness often clouded by the horrors of their job, but more often than not, they softened when they would meet hers. She could feel Jay's strong arms around her in her memories. Whenever she needed comfort or support, he was there for her. Her whole being just longed for everything they had once had. How much easier would all of this be if she still had Jay in her life?

But that was all before.

Before beautiful townhouses and vintage engagement rings. Before hurt and rejection. Before a crazed Army Ranger brought up Jay's personal demons. Before handsome out of state detectives and young patrol officers invaded their personal lives. Before accusations and hurt. Before everything just fell apart.

Who was the Jay in her living room? Was he the Jay who she trusted with her life or the man who knew how to hurt her with his words and actions. How would he react to what was going on? What should she even tell him? Did she tell him the truth? Make up a lie about Olive being out of town? Just kick him out with no explanation? After his jerkish behavior the last few months, she kind of was leaning toward the later. However, the image of the Jay who once stood by her side through the worst of times, just wouldn't leave her mind. She remembered his steadfast support of her after Nadia and Justin's deaths. She knew who Jay was in his heart, even if that heart had been hurt and broken. Even if that heart was mad and angry at her.

Realizing she couldn't delay the confrontation any longer, she took a steadying breath and returned to the other room. Jay had moved to the kitchen and had helped himself to some of her whiskey. He gestured toward the bottle, silently asking if she wanted some. Erin nodded sharply, and moved to bar. There they stood on opposite sides of her kitchen counter, drinking whiskey, staring silently at each other, each waiting for the other to speak.

"How long?" Jay questioned lightly bringing his drink to his lips.

Realizing Jay wasn't even going to pretend that he didn't grasp exactly what was going on, Erin took a deep breath and answered him, "Two weeks. Since the night Voight was taken in."

She watched as he digested this information. She could see him replaying her actions since that day. Her disheveled appearance, frequent tardiness, and distracted behavior. He pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes a bit at her, "Where's Olive?"

Erin shrugged lightly and looked away. She wasn't ready to share that much. She wasn't quite sure where Jay's head was at, and she still didn't want to put Olive out there as being on drugs while with Daniel. If only Erin and Voight knew, it could stay a secret. The more people who found out, just lead to possibilities of the wrong ears overhearing.

"So Voight just dumped him on you?" Erin could hear the disapproval in his voice. She wasn't surprised. Jay had never approved of Erin's loyalty toward Hank. He felt Erin had repaid her debt to Voight long ago. Erin, on the other hand, knew that it was a debt that could never be paid.

"Not exactly," Erin replied, "I wanted to help." Jay just nodded at her, and took another gulp of his whiskey. His eyes studied her and his intense look unnerved her. Not able to handle his silent judgement, she got up and started bustling around the living room. She picked up plastic toy cars and dropped them into the toy basket. Bending to her knees, she scooped up Daniel's blocks and spilled them into a plastic bucket. Rising, she grabbed one of the baby blankets, folded it up, and placed it on the back of the couch. Realizing Daniel had left his favorite stuffed rabbit on the couch, she picked it up and held it in her hands, hoping at that moment to find the same comfort the animal gave Daniel. Finally, with nothing more to do, she looked up at Jay expectantly. He had just frowned at her as he had studied her movement around the room.

She shrugged at him, "What?" Her tone was curt. She didn't have to defend her actions to him anymore.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked indignantly. She could see hurt flashing in his eyes.

"Why would I?" she quickly returned. Did he forget all that had gone on between them? "Are you forgetting the lack of interest you have had in having a relationship with me? You don't want to be together. You don't want to be friends. You don't even want me as your partner."

Jay sighed dramatically, "Really? Are we going to get into that again? I mean, Erin, don't you think there is something bigger to talk about than us?" He pointed to her bedroom, his voice raising in annoyance. "Like you suddenly are raising a child!"

"Keep your voice down," she reprimanded, hushing him. "I am not _raising_ a child. I am merely watching Daniel while Hank and Olive figure a few things out." She tried to keep her tone nonchalant, as if it wasn't a big deal and it was something she would do for anyone. "I am just babysitting."

"Where is Olive?" Jay repeated. Erin could tell he knew that something more was going on than she had shared. Jay wasn't stupid. He was an astute detective, and she hadn't properly prepared a lie to cover where Olive was.

Erin decided to try and put Jay on the defensive. "Sorry that your theory about my downward spiral into drugs and alcohol didn't pan out." She smirked at him. "I know you probably had _big_ plans, coming over here to rescue me from myself."

Jay finally left where he had stationed himself in the kitchen and moved into where she stood in the living room. She instinctively, moved to the other side, keeping the couch between them. His gaze was serious, and she saw a bit of guilt flash in his face. "I am sorry for accusing you of that this morning." She could see he really did feel bad. It upset her that he could so easily believe the worst of her. "I was just worried about you and obviously jumped to the wrong conclusions."

Erin snorted, "Obviously!" She appreciated the apology and his concern, but it didn't change the situation. His first thought had still been that she had decided to throw her life away. Erin couldn't help by see that Olive had replaced her in the scenario.

Jay ran his hands through his hair, causing it to stick up all over. "It just didn't make sense, Erin. I knew something was up. You weren't acting like yourself."

Erin tapped her foot in irritation and crossed her arms, indirectly finding herself hugging the stuffed bunny. "So you just assumed I was getting high."

"No," Jay quickly responded. "I didn't know what to think." Erin just stared at him, waiting for clarification, "You were just late, and distracted, and you looked like…." He trailed off.

"I looked like shit?" Erin suggested.

"No, no," he countered, "You just looked tired. Really, really tired. Beyond normal tired."

"Well, babies are exhausting. A little compassion would have been nice." Erin returned.

"Which I would have given _if_ I would have known!" Jay hissed back at her.

Erin groaned in frustration. "Listen it doesn't matter. You didn't know because I didn't _want_ to tell you. Let's just pretend you didn't come over here tonight, and that you know nothing. That would be great." Her tone was dismissive. She really hoped Jay would just take the hint and drop it. In fact, it would be best if he just walked out the door.

"Where's Olive?" Jay brought up again. Erin recognized his technique of repeating the same question over and over again, making the accused try and find a different answer that might appease the interrogator. He just wanted her to slip up or change her story. His method was just making her mad.

"It's none of your business where Olive is!" she shouted in anger. Seconds later the sound of crying came from the other room. Erin gave Jay a disgusted look, "Great. You woke the baby."

Jay's draw dropped open, "I didn't- you were the one who was yell-" his words were lost as Erin disappeared around the corner and into her bedroom. Seconds later she reemerged comforting a wailing Daniel. Jay immediately took a few steps back as she approached him with the toddler.

"Thanks a lot, Jay." She unceremoniously dropped Daniel into his arms. Jay grabbed ahold of him, before Erin quickly released him. "Now you get to deal with him while I get his ring."

Jay jostled the baby, who's ear piercing screams were assaulting his eardrums. "Ring. What's a ring going to do?" He awkwardly hoisted Daniel higher into his arms and into a more comfortable position. The little boy kept trying to pull away from him and twist onto the couch.

Erin, who had made her way into the kitchen, glanced back over her shoulder, "Give him his bunny. It might help."

Jay saw the stuffed animal on the couch where Erin had dropped it, and made his way over. He sat down and reached for the animal. Propping Daniel up next to him. Jay shook the little bunny in front of Daniel's tear streaked face. "Here, Danny! Here, little boy!"

"He's not a dog!" Erin called out from the kitchen.

"I know!" Jay responded annoyed. He just hadn't spent too much time with babies. Most of his friends hadn't headed down that road yet. A few were married, and a couple people had kids, but Jay didn't hang out with them. He certainly never had babysat or dealt with a baby before. Looking at the clearly miserable child, he decided to give it his best.

Jay took the bunny and made it hop up and down Daniel's legs and belly. The tears stopped as Daniel looked curiously at the bunny's movements. "Hop, Hop, Hop!" The bunny hopped up and down and all around Danny's body before Jay had it attack Daniel's face with sniffs and tickles. The little boy's peals of laughter immediately filled the room. Jay smiled in surprise at how quickly the tears were transformed into giggles. Jay pulled the bunny back and Daniel reached for it with his arms. Jay hopped it back up the little guy's body again. "Hop, hop, hoppity, hop. I got Danny!" This time Jay let Daniel gleefully grasp the bunny in his chubby arms. Immediately, the child pulled a well-worn ear into his mouth.

Jay looked up as Erin sat down on the opposite side of the couch from them. She gently pulled the bunny ear from Daniel's mouth, and passed him a teething ring. She looked at Jay and explained, "He's been teething. If he wakes up at night, he has a hard time settling down."

"What's the ring do?" Jay asked curiously.

"It's liquid inside, so you freeze it. It's soothing to their gums. Kind of like an ice pack for an injury."

Jay's brow furrowed in concern. "Shouldn't you take him to the baby doctor or something?"

Erin chuckled, "You mean the pediatrician."

Jay rolled his eyes at her correction, "Yes, that's what I meant. I mean if he's sick or hurt. Doesn't he need medicine or something?"

Erin shook her head grinning, "No. You don't go to the pediatrician for teething. It's normal. Babies are constantly cutting teeth at this age. It's bad for a week or so, and then it goes away. It's starts all over when new ones come out." She smiled at Daniel who was greedily gnawing on the plastic ring. She grabbed the edge of the blanket and carefully wiped some drool that had landed on his chin. "I have some gel I'll rub on his gums in a few minutes, once he's calmed down. That usually does the trick."

Jay just eyed her in disbelief, "How do you know all this stuff?"

Erin just gave him a small smile and a shrug. "Google is your best friend when you have a screaming one-year old at two in the morning. People have message boards and blogs about all these things. The third night he was here, I was certain he was going to pop a blood vessel from screaming nonstop for an hour. There's tons of tips and ideas online. It's a savior." She gave a little laugh, "I don't know how moms did it before the internet."

She leaned over Daniel and smoothed his damp curls. She placed a light kiss on his forehead, smiling slightly when he looked up at her with grateful eyes.

When she looked back up at Jay, she was taken aback by what she saw. She could see intense emotion behind his eyes. Only it wasn't the anger she had gotten used to seeing in recent weeks. It was desire. Not necessarily sexual, but she could clearly see the wanting in his eyes. She recognized the look. It was how he had looked when he proposed. When he saw the future with her that he so desperately wanted.

Erin swallowed thickly, her mouth suddenly dry, "Jay…"

"I, ah, I should go." Jay suddenly jumped up from the couch, dislodging Daniel from where he was tucked in next to him. He looked anxiously around the apartment, as if he was searching for the exit. His eyes darted everywhere but at her. He quickly made his way to the kitchen table where he had discarded his jacket. Jay had already shrugged it on before Erin had even moved around the couch. She stood in front of him, her eyes wide as she looked up at him with apprehension. Erin knew he thought he had revealed too much. Like her, despite their protests, arguments, and frustrations, they still just were so connected. He fought it just as much as she did. But why? Why did they fight it so hard?

Jay looked down at her, his face mired in mixed emotions. He opened his mouth as if to say something, before shaking his head quickly, dismissing whatever he had wanted to say. She could tell he was holding back.

Erin reached out, her hand resting on his sleeve, her brow furrowed. "I know you don't understand exactly why I am doing this, but please don't say anything to anyone." She pleaded.

She saw hesitation flash across his face, he looked down at her, "Will you ever tell me the truth?"

Erin quickly nodded. "Yeah, soon. Just… just let me figure a few things out." She meant it, too. As they stood there, she felt the desire to share her burden with him intensely. The Jay she knew and trusted was the one before her, and he had always been on her side. She just wanted time to think things through and figure out where they stood with each other and what that would mean for her and Daniel.

Jay nodded slightly, "Yeah, of course. You know I wouldn't say anything." A crease formed in between his brows as he frowned. "You should have known all along that I wouldn't have said anything." His voice held a hint of frustration that she hadn't trusted him.

"I did." She corrected herself, "I do… trust you." Erin let out in a whispered breath. She had known. She looked up at him, hoping her face reflected the trust in him that she did feel. Suddenly she was aware of how close they were standing. Her hand on his arm, their chests just inches apart. His blue eyes which had been locked on hers, suddenly dropped to her lips. Erin's throat suddenly felt dry as she realized what he was thinking. Her heartbeat picked up its pace as both their breaths increased. His head dipped just a fraction before a loud babble from Daniel filled the room. Annoyed at being ignored, he had pulled himself up against the back of the couch, and shakily stood watching with curiosity and jabbering incoherently at them.

"Shoot," Erin swept forward and pulled the barely toddling boy from his precarious location on the couch. When she turned back around, Jay had taken the opportunity to make a break for the door. Erin trailed after him holding the now alert Daniel.

He paused briefly as he opened the door, looking back at the two of them. His eyes dark and unreadable, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Jay." Erin quickly responded, stepping up to the door, just as Jay walked through it. She watched wistfully as he walked down the hall. Her eyes still following him even as he glanced back at her. His eyes still reflecting his confusion over the night's revelations. Erin imagined her own face mirrored the same. Once he finally turned the corner to the stairs, she slowly shut the door and leaned back against it. Letting out an unsteady breath, she thought about what had just happened. Jay knew about Daniel. Jay had almost kissed her. She honestly didn't know which fact was sending her spinning more. All she knew was that it was probably going to be another sleepless night as she tried to figure out what her next step might be.

 **Author's Note: Well, I know so many of you have been dying for Erin and Jay to make some progress on getting back together. Maybe this was a baby step in that direction, but…then again, you never know. These two are just both so stubborn. Also, I have the BEST reviewers. After 40, yes 40, reviews from my last chapter, (never had so many EVER) I worked extra hard to get this chapter out faster. Knowing that many people took the time and cared to send me their thoughts, encouraged me to write as much as possible. Next chapter is already in progress and I hope to have out before the end of this week.**


	16. Chapter 16

Erin slowly slipped into the unfamiliar passenger seat of the 500, much to the amusement of Jay. He chuckled lightly and grabbed the keys that she dangled toward him. As Jay started the engine and the heater kicked on, Erin sighed in relief. She laid her head back against the headrest and allowed her eyes to drift shut. They'd been in a cold warehouse for the better part of the day, following up on a case. It had rained all weekend, and the dampness and still hung in the cold air.

Jay surveyed her. "It's only Monday and you look beat. Daniel still teething? Keeping you up all night?"

Erin fought a yawn. "I don't know. I don't think it's teething. His tooth broke through a few days ago. He's just been really fussy. Not sleeping well." She rolled her head toward Jay. "He didn't want to eat breakfast at all this morning. I tried oatmeal, fruit, and cereal, but he just wasn't interested."

Jay gave her a quick grin, "Better hit up those message boards and find out what all the other supermoms do."

Erin gave him an awkward smile before turning her head to look out the window as they made their way back to the precinct. As they drove, she could see Christmas decorations popping up all over the city. Thanksgiving was still three days away, but most retailers had started their promotions weeks ago. Seeing the festive decorations just made her remember how long Olive had been gone. It was almost a month now, and Erin was starting to get really worried. They had reached dead ends on all their leads, and a part of Erin wondered if she would ever be found. How could she have stayed away from her son for so long?

Jay's comment about being supermom was meant to just tease, but Erin was bothered by it. Daniel had called her "mama" this weekend. Erin had admittedly freaked and corrected him to "Auntie," which he couldn't quite say. They had settled on "Tee tee." Erin had been surprised on the myriad of feelings she had felt when that adorable baby boy had looked up at her and called her "Mama." Her heart had swelled with love and tears had pricked behind her eyes. She wasn't his mother. Honestly, she didn't want to be. Daniel had a mother, and despite her current absence, Erin knew that Olive loved her little boy. Part of the reason for her emotions was that she knew the boy was missing his mom. It frustrated her that Olive was still gone. But, she had to admit the idea of Daniel looking at her as his mom touched her. All those maternal instincts she'd always had kicked into overdrive. She loved her nephew, she liked taking care of him, and her love for him was unconditional.

Despite all that, surrogate motherhood had really taken its toll on her. She was constantly tired, and sleep seemed like something she once took for granted now that the freedom of having it was gone. She had a new admiration for the single mothers of the world. She had never realized how all-consuming motherhood, even temporary motherhood, could be. Toddlers needed constant stimulation and opportunities for exploration. Curiosity drove them, and they never stayed still for long. From the moment Erin got home, she felt she was chasing Daniel. His walking had greatly improved, and he now barreled around her apartment like a linebacker. She contemplated how much easier it must be for mothers who had a partner in child rearing. Even if it was just for someone to watch him for a half hour for her to take a bubble bath, prepare dinner, … or to just take a nap.

Erin was optimistic that Voight would be ready to take over soon or even just help out here and there. His hearing was scheduled the Monday after Thanksgiving. He was still dodging her calls, but he had texted her that things were looking good, and he was confident he'd be exonerated next week at the hearing.

"What did you and Daniel do this weekend?" Jay's question interrupted her train of thought.

"Not too much. It was too wet for the park, so we just went to the Indoor Market at the Nature Museum."

Jay laughed, "Oh, you dragged the poor kid there. Unlucky guy!"

Erin gave Jay a little punch in the shoulder, "Hey! The farmer's market is awesome."

Jay shook his finger at her, "Yes. Yes, it is. For a normal person. You spend like four hours there, Erin. A guy can only handle so much organic produce and healthiness." Erin knew he was just teasing. They had gone to the farmer's market at least once a month when they were dating. He might tease her, but she knew he had never minded too much. They putt around for hours examining and comparing products. It hadn't mattered what they were doing, they were always just happy to have the time together.

"For your information, I was picking up stuff for Thanksgiving dinner, so you'd better be thankful for my dedication to picking the most exquisite ingredients." Erin replied. She had wavered back and forth about whether or not she wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner. She really wanted to make the day special for Daniel, even if he was way too young to appreciate it. When she had overheard Ruzek and Olinksy both lamenting that they didn't have any plans for Thanksgiving, she had impulsively invited them to her place. Jay jumped in, and invited Will as well. Burgess was also going to come by, and maybe even Sylvie. The paramedic had inquired if Antonio was going to be there. Once Dawson had said he might cruise by, she had been on board. Antonio had the kids and they were trying to do a family thing with Gabby, but he thought that he'd be on his own by evening, when he had to drop them by their mom's. Erin wasn't sure if Hank would be stopping by. Erin had let him know of her plans this morning, but he hadn't yet responded. She wondered if he'd be okay with Daniel being around the squad. Erin had a story planned. Olive's aunt was sick and she flew out to be with her. Neither wanted Daniel to possibly be exposed, and Olive couldn't exactly have Daniel hanging around the hospital all week. Erin figured that nobody would question the story for now.

Jay grinned at her, but the smile faltered a bit. "Are you sure you can handle this? It seems like a lot of work, especially with Daniel."

Erin narrowed his eyes at him, "Are you saying I can't handle what millions of women around the country handle each holiday?"

He held one hand up off the wheel in surrender, "Okay, okay. You just aren't exactly known for your cooking." He cautiously replied.

"I can cook." Erin pouted a bit. She could cook. Camille had made sure she learned the basics when she had moved into the Voight home. Erin was expected to help out with dinner every night. Camille had told her that being able to take care of yourself and your home were important life skills. She repeated more confidently, "I can cook. With our schedules, there isn't just a lot of time for that." She threw Jay a sideways look. "Uhh, don't you remember my Chicken Pesto? You said it was the best thing you'd ever eaten."

Jay gave her a knowing smile, "Yeah, but I was sleeping with you at the time…"

Erin's mouth dropped open in shock. She couldn't believe he went there! She punched his arm again, hard.

"Hey! I'm driving here!" Jay chuckled, and Erin shook her head at him.

She threw him one last unimpressed look, before closing her eyes to maybe get some shut eye on their way back to the precinct, thankful that Jay didn't mind driving for once. She doubted she'd really fall asleep, but it was nice to just rest for a moment. Erin raised her eyelids a fraction so she could observe her partner for moment undetected. His eyes were focused on the road as he maneuvered through traffic. His fingers were tapping lightly on the steering wheel to the beat of some song in his head, and his head nodded along. It was the most relaxed Erin had seen him in months. Erin had to admit it was nice. His change of demeanor had started the morning after he had first learned about Daniel.

It was weird. Not weird, like awkward, but weird that they weren't bickering or glaring at each other every few minutes. All the tension that had been between them seemed to have shifted. Instead of narrowed eyed glances and eye rolls, they had been sharing what could only be described as knowing looks and meaningful glances. It was like now that Jay knew exactly what she was going through, his anger with her had all but disappeared.

It was a little twisted, but it almost made her mad that he just suddenly seemed not upset at her. It wasn't that she wanted him to be angry with her, but why should Daniel's appearance in her life change how Jay felt about her. She was still the same woman she was last week. But the look in Jay's eyes told her that he felt differently. Erin had a sneaking suspicion that it was all due to an unpleasant conversation she could still vividly recall.

" _So…you don't want a family anymore? You always talked about having kids one day. Don't you think our kid's parents should be married?"_

The way Jay had been looking at her since he had found out, made her think that he was wondering if maybe there was still hope for them. She could just see a softening in his eyes. Those killer blue eyes were always so expressive. Whether they were filled with ice, anger, desire, or love, you could see into Jay's heart just by staring into his eyes. Right now, those eyes were unnerving Erin. Not to mention the flirting. What was up with the comment about sleeping with her? Whatever he was thinking, Erin wanted him to just un-think it. She had too much to deal with, and she just wanted to table whatever Jay was contemplating.

It didn't take a detective to come to the conclusion that Jay was thinking she had changed her stance on kids. Truthfully, Erin didn't even know if maybe she had changed her mind. She loved taking care of Daniel. It was hard work, but rewarding. Even doing it alone gave her sense of pride. Erin imagined if you had someone there with you, it might even be fun. Erin quickly pushed aside the image of her and Jay juggling a few babies. It wasn't a thought she wanted to get into. Right now, she was focused still on managing Daniel and work. Everything else was just…not a priority.

…..

"Erin, wake up." She felt Jay gently shaking her awake.

Erin blinked a few times. She couldn't believe that they were already at the station. She must have actually dozed off briefly for a minute. Erin shook the sleep from her head. She couldn't believe that she had fallen asleep again on the job. She had to get Daniel's sleeping schedule under control. Erin followed Jay into the precinct and climbed the stairs, following Jay at a much slower pace. When he reached the top of the stairs, he stopped and turned to look at her questioningly. Erin was confused, but followed his gaze. They could see Voight in the office with Antonio. It was the very first time he had been in the office since his suspension.

"What's going on?" Jay murmured to Erin.

"No idea." She replied. She made her way to her desk, eyes firmly on the window of the door. She noted when Hank glanced up and saw her. He locked eyes for a second, but didn't give anything away, as he continued his discussion with Antonio. Sitting down in her chair, she looked over at Jay who was also eyeing the scene with obvious curiosity. He raised his eyebrows at her, but she just shrugged. The hearing was still a week away. Why was he here today?

Suddenly the door to the office opened, and Voight and Dawson emerged. Erin tried to read their body language as all eyes in the room centered on them. Voight stepped forward.

"Well, I know you all have enjoyed having Antonio as your boss, but it looks like we are going to have to wait on that for a few more years for that to be permanent." A smile actually cracked on Voight's normally stoic face. "As expected, the charges against me were fabricated and dropped this morning." He swung his gaze around the room, "As of now, I am back." He turned toward Antonio and held out his hand for a handshake. "Thank you for keeping these monkeys under control."

"My pleasure," Antonio responded. He released Hank's grip and made his way over to his old desk.

One by one the team members shook hands with Voight. Erin hung back, waiting until everyone else had returned to their desks, before heading pointedly toward his office. Voight shook his head, but followed her into the office, shutting the door behind him. Erin took a moment to shut the blinds on the office door, before turning to give him a huge hug. She wrapped her arms around him and held tight. She felt him pause for just a second before wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"I told you not to worry, kid." His voice was gruff next to her ear.

Erin pulled back and looked up at him, her eyes watery, "I know, but it was weeks. I am just so happy that you are back. I didn't know what I would do if I lost you, too."

He squeezed her shoulder. "You were never going to lose me." He released her and moved around his desk to take a seat in his chair.

Erin shakily lowered herself to a seat. "So what happened?" Erin hoped now that everything was over and done with, maybe he would actually give her a straight answer.

Voight shook his head, "Nothing. They never had anything, and so they had to drop the charges." Erin's lips tightened. She knew he wasn't being truthful. Ever since Justin's death, she had noticed Hank had kept her at arm's length when it came to revealing certain things to her. She was determined that they were going to have it out soon. Maybe this wasn't the moment, but Erin wanted more honesty from Hank if she was going to keep working for him. Unwavering loyalty and trust needed to be a two-way street. She might have followed him blindly in the past, but her priorities had shifted and she did see things differently now.

Erin decided to let the topic drop, for now. "Well, I am really glad you are back."

Voight leaned back in his chair and studied her with a slight grin on his face, "So… what's this about you cooking the squad Thanksgiving dinner?"

Erin smiled. "Correct. You are welcome to come of course."

Voight nodded, "Maybe…. maybe. Not sure how the underlings might feel about their boss crashing their holiday."

Erin shrugged. "Come on! Olinsky is going to be there, with Michelle, I think. You know he'd rather hang out with you than us. Daniel really needs his grandpa. " She really hoped he would come. She wanted Daniel to have this holiday with his family. That meant Hank.

Voight studied her for a moment, before nodding. "Yeah, I'll be there. Need anything?"

Erin thought for a moment, "Um…Burgess has the yams, Olinsky is picking up pies. Jay has some sort of stuffing that he is making. Ruzek is only allowed to bring wine since I question his cooking ability. Maybe you can just bring some cranberry?"

Voight smiled, "That's all? I can actually cook, you know."

Erin smirked, "Yes, I know that, but you don't need to." She pushed up from the chair and started to head out.

Suddenly, Voight called out, "What about Daniel?"

Erin waved him off, "I already told everyone that Olive was visiting her sick aunt and didn't want to expose him to germs."

He shook his head, "No, I mean, what about Daniel's living situation. You want him to move back in with me?"

Erin faltered, her hand hovering over the door. She felt rooted to the ground and a wave of panic suddenly flooded her. "No, I…uh, maybe we shouldn't move him again. He just got settled in." Her voice sounded unnatural to her own ears. She didn't want Daniel to be with Hank. She wanted him with her, but she didn't know how to say that to Hank. He was his grandson after all. Erin knew she was being selfish.

Hank's steely eyes met hers, "Well, I just kind of forced it on you. I can take over and let you get back to living your life."

"He's my family," Erin stated sincerely. "I enjoy taking care of him. Really, I don't mind at all."

Hank stood from his chair and walked up to Erin. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her, "Justin would be so proud of you, Erin. Steppin' up and being the family his boy needs." Erin could see the honest emotion that filled his eyes. "I'm okay with him staying with you, but you let me take him a few nights here and there. You still need to have a life." He brushed her cheek with his knuckle. "You've got circles under these eyes, and you look exhausted. Let me take him tonight."

Erin nodded and smiled, once again she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Okay."

Jay eyed her curiously as she exited Voight's office. She just gave him a quick nod before returning to her desk. As she sat, she felt a wave of confusion about the thought of going home to an empty apartment. It'd be nice to get some sleep and relax, but she also felt a little off. Like she was shirking her duty by not taking care of Daniel tonight. She knew Hank would take good care of him, but Erin couldn't help but think that it was her responsibility. That Voight wouldn't know the little routines they had established.

Restless, she moved into the breakroom to refill her coffee. Apparently, it was the opportunity that Jay had been waiting for because he immediately followed her.

"So what's going on?" He quietly asked.

Erin cocked an eyebrow at him, "With what?"

Jay gave her an aggravated look, "With Hank? Daniel?"

"Oh," Erin replied, "Um…He's taking Daniel tonight, but Daniel is still going to stay with me. Just kind of getting the night off." She gave a small smile. "I think he's been missing him big time. Probably going to be a big guys night at the Voight household. Full of mac and cheese and hot wheels."

Jay grinned, "My kind of night."

Erin laughed. That probably would be right up Jay's alley.

"So…that means you are free tonight?" Jay carefully asked.

Erin nodded. She could tell by Jay's posture that he was thinking something. He was leaning into her in that way he had. She looked up at him, and she saw that twinkle in his eyes that had been missing for so long.

A small smile played on his lips, "How about getting a drink?"

Erin gave a quick nod, "Yeah, I could swing buy Molly's for a bit. Still probably want to make it an early night. Catch up on some sleep."

She saw Jay hesitate for a moment, "I, uh," He licked his lips and his eyes darted away for a moment before he leaned a little close, ducking his head down. His voice was low. "I was thinking maybe some place where it could just be us. Maybe we could talk a bit."

Erin's heart started to beat rapidly, just as it had the last time they had gotten so close. It was like anytime they were within a foot of each other, she felt a magnetic pull towards him that just sent every nerve ending firing. Her first instinct was to say yes. She'd missed time with him for the last few months, but what was he thinking? They had just gotten over all the hurt and pain that they'd put on each other.

She looked up at him, "Jay…what are we doing?" Her voice was soft.

She saw a bit of the twinkle leave his eyes, but his gaze was still soft as he looked at her. He shrugged a bit. "Just having a drink. Friends. Partners."

Erin tilted her head. She knew he wasn't quite being truthful. Even if he was lying to himself, he had to know, the same that she did, that the two of them drinking together, alone in some dark bar away from anyone that knew them, could lead to all sorts of complications.

Jay nudged her a bit, "Come on, you said you'd tell me what was all really going on someday."

Erin just looked up into his eyes, her heart fighting with her brain. She let out a sigh, "Jay…"

As if sensing her indecision, he took a step back. His voice changing a bit, losing some of the warmth. "Molly's is good, Erin. Want me to invite the guys?" She could see a bit of a tightening in his face. Her heart constricted. Had she ruined the moment? It wasn't that she didn't feel that way, but it was just so confusing. Did he want to get back together? Was he okay with how they had left things? Were they really just partners hanging out?

Impulsively, she reached for him, her hand on his arm. "Molly's, but, no, just us."

They locked eyes for a moment, and Erin hoped he could see that it all mattered to her. That she was trying and wanted to… okay, so she didn't know what she wanted, but she wasn't saying no.

Moments passed, and then Jay nodded solemnly, "Okay." It was all he spoke, before turning quietly and making his way out into the squad room.

Erin let out a quiet breath. Her racing heart hadn't yet settled. Could Jay be ready to really forgive her for rejecting his proposal? Was there hope for them after all? They were definitely going to talk, and Erin knew there was a lot that they probably needed to hash out. She hoped that maybe, for once, things might actually turn out how her heart actually wanted them to.

 **Author's Note: Thank you for all who stayed with me. I know this update has been a while in coming. I had three different scenes planned, but I just couldn't make them blend together. It was so frustrating! I eventually scrapped the ideas I had and started over. I don't love it, but it will get me where I want the rest of the story to go. Thanks again to all who review.**


	17. Chapter 17

Erin entered Molly's and scanned the room slowly. She didn't notice Jay at first. She'd expected to see him at the bar, where he normally sat when he came to Molly's alone. For a moment, she thought she had waited too long. Then she saw the back of his head at a booth in the back corner. She guessed he'd really meant it when he said he wanted to talk somewhere more private. Erin let out a small sigh of relief. She was glad he was still here, but she still felt the nerves that had caused her to stall for forty-five minutes beyond when they were supposed to meet.

She slid into the seat across from him, and Jay glanced up in surprise. It was evident from his face that he had thought she had changed her mind about coming. "Hey," she gave in way of greeting. Jay nodded. His eyes lit up a bit at seeing her, but she could see from the expression on his face that he was wary after her tardy arrival. Erin apologized, "Sorry for running late. I ran by my place to get a few of Daniel's necessities for Hank. I dropped them off at his place. Then I just…" She let her voice trail off, and she gave him a weak smile.

Truth was, she had debated coming at all. It had been months of ups and downs for her and Jay. They had been at such a good place back in September, happy and in love. Then everything had just fell apart. As much as she tried not too, she couldn't help but remember all the hurtful things he had said and done over the last few months. She knew that her actions had probably hurt him as well. They finally seemed like they were getting to a good place again. Did that mean that they were going to get back to where they were before or would this conversation just result in fresh wounds?

Erin took stock of the bar table. There were two empty beer bottles and two empty shot glasses. Erin cocked her eyebrow at him questioningly. Jay gave her a sheepish look, "Sorry. I had ordered you drinks, but when you didn't show up…" This time Jay let his comment trail off and he shrugged. He spun his head around and motioned to the waitress at the table nearby for another round.

For a minute, they both sat awkwardly at the table while they waited for their drinks. Jay's attention was on an empty beer bottle that he was peeling the label off of, so Erin let her eyes drift to one of the televisions showing the end of a football game. The easy rapport that the two had enjoyed earlier that day and for the last week was gone. There was a tension between them. Erin suspected that Jay, like herself, had spent the last hour wondering what the possible ramifications of this night out could have.

When the waitress brought their drinks, Erin murmured her thanks, and lifted the shot glass. Jay finally met her eyes as he lifted his own glass.. They clinked glasses gently, Jay's eyes were hard to read as he said, "To friendship."

Erin paused with her glass halfway to her lips, "Is that what this is about?"

Jay finished his shot, and took a long drag on his beer. "Sure." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Erin, can you just relax. We've had beers together probably a hundred times."

Erin bit her lip. Since Jay seemed to be trying to be open, she decided to as well. "Why does it feel different?"

Jay was silent for a second. He just stared into her eyes. His blue eyes burned into her, and Erin felt those familiar feelings. "It doesn't have to be different." He softly spoke. Erin didn't know how to interpret that statement. Things could go back to how they were before or something different. Which "before" did he really want? Erin just looked into his eyes thoughtfully, not really sure how to respond.

Jay suddenly glanced away and shook his head as if trying to change the mood of the conversation. "So, you gonna tell me what's the story with Olive and Voight?"

Erin went ahead and downed her forgotten shot, grateful for the change of subject, even if it wasn't something she relished discussing. "After Justin's death, Olive got really depressed. I guess her doctor gave her some anti-depressants to help, but she was self-medicating with some hard stuff, too. I went over there a few times and found her totally out of it with Daniel. Hank wasn't seeing it clearly. I think they were both just absorbed in their own grief. I didn't know what to do or who to go to."

"You should have told me. I could have helped." Jay said.

Erin looked up at him, "I tried one night." She quietly said. She didn't know if he understood, that the night she had crashed his double date with Ruzek, had been that night. She saw the look on his face change slightly as realization dawned on him.

"Erin," he softly began, "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's okay." Erin interrupted quickly. She saw regret all over his face, but she didn't want to get into that. "What's done was done." She didn't want to hear what had gone on that night, or any other night.

"Where is Olive now?" He questioned, redirecting the conversation.

Erin shrugged, "Honestly, we don't know. The night Hank was arrested police were serving a search warrant at his house, so I took Olive and Daniel back to my place. She bailed in the middle of the night, leaving him with me. She left a note. She thought the police would find drugs there that were hers, and she was afraid of going to jail. "

She could see Jay's eyes narrow, as he connected that information with what he already knew. Jay leaned forward, his voice low, "Haven't you guys been searching for her?"

"Of course," Erin replied. "But we've had to do it quietly, so that it doesn't become known that she skipped out on Daniel. We don't want this following her around."

Jay leaned back and crossed his arms against his chest. Erin could see that he didn't like what he was hearing. "You should put it on record that she's left him."

Erin shook her head, "Absolutely not!"

"Erin. She was getting high around her kid!"

Erin was defensive. "She was grieving and made some bad decisions. Who am I to blame her? I did worse after Nadia's death."

"You didn't have a son to raise." Jay replied angrily his voice was full of agitation. "Erin, what if she comes back and takes him. Grabs him and goes off somewhere high or stoned. You and Voight would have no case against her."

"We don't want to take Daniel away from her. We just want her to come back." Erin felt a bit of panic at Jay's words though. It was true. If Olive showed up, they actually had no legal rights. Erin continued, "I don't even know if either of us could even get legal custody. With Hank's legal issues, and I… I am not even really family." She looked at Jay with desperate eyes, "What if he ended up in the system?"

Erin knew that Jay understood her fear of the foster system. After learning what had happened to her own brother in the system, she just couldn't even think about Daniel with strangers.

Jay was silent for a moment. Then he nodded, "Okay. I see your point, but you should still talk to Voight about this. What's the plan if she tries to run with him?"

Erin was thankful that Jay wasn't being too heavy handed about this, "I don't think she will. I think she's just scared. Soon she's going to realize there is nothing to be worried about and come home."

Jay looked at her with worry. "What if she doesn't come back, Erin? What then?"

Erin just stared at Jay uncertainly. It was what had worried her the most over the last few weeks. The more time that passed, the more it concerned her that Olive might not be coming back. What if something bad had happened to her? Something that kept her from coming back ever. At some point, her and Hank would have to make some decisions.

She gave Jay a worried glance. "I don't know, Jay. I don't know."

Jay reached over and grabbed her hands. He squeezed them reassuringly. "Whatever happens, you are doing a great job. You'll work it out."

Erin looked at their clasped hands. A sense of comfort and safety filled her. There was just something about his touch that grounded her and made her really think that everything just might be okay. She gave him a brave smile, that maybe, just maybe ,she actually believed in happy endings at this moment. "Thanks for believing in me."

"I always have." Jay stroked his thumb softly against the palm of her hand.

Erin took a steadying breath as flickers of awareness sparked through her body. With Jay being so open and supportive towards her the last week, all those feelings just easily filled her. She couldn't help but feel confused.

Reluctantly, Erin pulled her hands from Jay's warm grip, "What's going on here, Jay?" She lightly asked, she took a long sip of her beer. "I've got to be honest. I am kind of confused."

Jay looked embarrassed. "Nothing. I was just-" He lifted his hand off the table, and placed it back on his drink. "I didn't mean anything by it." A little frustration showed on his face, "I can't comfort a friend now?"

Erin noticed that his face had lost that softness, and she almost regretted saying anything. "I am just confused by the turn around in you. A week ago, you were treating me like I was public enemy number one. Now you are holding my hand?"

"I've apologized for that. I know I was being an ass, but I just didn't know how to deal with you."

Erin furrowed her brow, "Deal with me? What's that supposed to mean?" Anger touched her voice.

Jay rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean. I haven't known how to be around you ever since-" He broke off, and Erin could tell that he didn't want to bring up that day. Erin knew that they needed to. If something more was going to come out of this, or even if they were just going to go back to being friends, they had to deal with this.

"Since I said no." Erin bluntly said.

Jay looked at her startled, before averting his eyes. "Yeah," he mumbled, his head dropping down to study his beer bottle.

"I'm sorry I hurt you that day." Erin whispered. She'd said it to him many times before, but she didn't know if he ever really understood how much it had actually hurt her to know that she was the cause of his pain.

Jay gave a small nod, but didn't look up at her still. She could see the tension in his shoulders. Would it always come down to this? Would that day dictate the rest of their lives? She knew he had intended it to. For Jay, that day was supposed to be the first day of the rest of their life together as a married couple.

This time Erin reached out for his hand. She laid her palm over his, that still gripped his beer tightly. "Will you ever be able to forgive me?" She held her breath as she waited for his answer.

His eyes focused on her hand before meeting hers, "I've been trying, Erin."

Erin bit her lip in stress. He sounded so sad. Maybe he'd been trying to forgive her, but she knew that he hadn't. Uncomfortable, she pulled her hand away from his, but he reached across the table and grabbed it.

Jay looked into her eyes, and Erin could see the pain mixed with sadness, "I want to. I'm trying to. I just don't know if I am there yet."

Erin gestured toward their clasped hand, "What's this then, Jay? The flirting and hand holding. If you can't forgive me, then this isn't fair to me. The mixed messages are driving me crazy."

Jay released her hand instantly like he had been burned. "I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to be honest with how I'm feeling. Going with the moment and all."

Erin just stared at him, shaking her head in frustration. She needed more. She needed to know what he was thinking about them and their future. "What do you expect from me? How do you want this to go?" She heard the desperation in her voice.

She saw a tightening of his jaw, "I don't know." He let out a frustrated groan. "You know what I wanted, and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that you don't want that with me." His eyes pleaded with her, "Sometimes I think I can do it. Be who you need me to be and not want for more. But then I see you and hear you talk about Daniel, and I don't know if I can do it. "

His eyes were so emotional, and Erin could see the heartbreak she had caused him. Erin blinked away a few tears that burned her eyes.

Jay continued, "A part of me is afraid I am always going to want it all with you. Even if we are never together again, I think you are always going to be the person I want."

Erin couldn't speak. Her throat was so tight, listening to his words and seeing him so emotional. Her own feelings were all over the place. She wanted to reach out and comfort this man that she loved so much. Yet for some reason she held back.

"Is there any chance, Erin?" She could see the anxious hope in his eyes, "You said you never wanted to get married or have kids, but I can tell you love having Daniel around. Now that you have him, have you changed your mind?"

Erin swallowed hard and found her voice. "He's not my son." She quietly whispered.

"I know that," Jay replied. "I was just hoping that maybe he made you realized that family can be a good thing. Having people to come home to each night, that could be what makes doing our job all worth it. Knowing that our family was waiting for us, could make life and work, and just everything that much better."

Erin just shook her head. It was like Jay was in her head. That was how she had been feeling since she took over the care of Daniel. She spent every day at work, making sure she got home to him each night.

Suddenly, Erin felt so overwhelmed. Jay was sitting there looking vulnerable and heartbroken, looking at her so expectantly. It was like she was reliving that moment when she had turned around to find him down on one knee. The moment when he'd torn their relationship apart. Only now she sat here, desperate to have him back in her life again. Knowing that one simple word could have him back in her arms…forever if that's what she wanted.

Had she changed her mind?

"I think I should go." Erin suddenly blurted out. She quickly stood up from her seat and hurriedly pulled on her jacket. She tried to avoid looking at Jay, but noticing his lack of movement, she paused for just a moment. He was staring straight ahead, not looking at her, but clearly aware of her movements next to the table. His mouth was partially open in disbelief, and his breathing was labored. He looked just as devastated as he had all those months ago. Erin's instincts told her to run away, but something held her still. She needed a different ending to how she had left things the last time.

She stepped close to him, laying her hand on his cheek, apply enough pressure until he turned his head to look at her. Her heart pulled seeing the shine of tears in his eyes as well. "I'm trying, too, Jay." She opened her mouth, and the words she wasn't even aware she consciously felt tumbled out, "I'm just worried I can't give you all that you want. It would kill me to hurt you again."

"I need to know." He whispered. "Is there? Is there any chance?"

Erin's eyes locked with his, her hand still cupping his cheek. She didn't think she could speak. She didn't want to give him false hope, but she couldn't say no. Impulsively, she leaned forward and brushed a lingering kiss against his cheek. Just as she felt his hand move to touch her cheek, she pulled back.

"I should go." She said, letting her hand fall from his face back to her side.

Jay started to stand, and she saw him reaching for his jacket. "Let me walk you out."

"No," she quickly responded. She saw a flash of hurt on his face. "I really am tired, and…" she took a steadying breath. "I think we both just need some time to think."

"Okay. Drive safe." Jay reluctantly sank back into his chair and nodded. Erin could see a lot of different emotions on his face, and she imagined hers looked similar. All of the sudden, he gave her a grin. "Get some sleep. You've looked like an extra from the Walking Dead lately."

Erin rolled her eyes a bit at his comment, but appreciated that even after all their emotional honesty, he could still tease her into a smile. "Thanks. What a compliment."

He just chuckled and his grin widened. That sparkle returned to his eyes, and Erin sucked in a breath. God, she loved him so much. How could she not want to spend the rest of her life with someone who could made her life every moment of her life so much better? Not trusting herself to stay a second longer, she gave him a little wave and left Molly's. Fighting every urge that she had to not turn back around and go to him.

She meant what she said. She needed time to think and try and figure out if things had changed for her. She knew her love for Jay hadn't changed, but she didn't know if love was going to be enough. It hadn't been enough for him. He'd still left her. If she let him back in, she didn't know if she could take that kind of rejection again. Jay needed to think, too. If she couldn't commit to all that he wanted, was he willing to settle for less this time, or was it going to be all or nothing again. If was all or nothing, Erin had no idea if she could actually choose a life without Jay in it. It was going to be a long night, and Erin had no idea if sleep was even going to be an option.

 **Author's Note: So they are FINALLY communicating a little bit. I know many of you were anticipating this conversation. I hope it didn't disappoint. On a side note, I love all my reviewers and appreciate their ideas, but I have no plans for Erin or Jay to get hurt in this story (at least not physically). I like story suggestions and do listen and use some of them to give me direction. I just can't believe how many people want them hurt, so I thought I'd address it. I did the whole hospital thing in my other story Disconnect, so I don't plan on doing that again. I want them to reunite under different circumstances this time.**

 **To thank you all for reading and reviewing, here are some previews of upcoming chapters. Thanksgiving with the squad... Jay and Daniel quality time… we finally get a clue about what happened to Olive… and maybe one or two little additional complications as well. That is the name of the story after all.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: This chapter is really long! I think it's the longest I've ever written, and I still cut out stuff. Hope you all enjoy it!**

Erin tapped rapidly on her keyboard, filling out the paperwork from their bust earlier that afternoon. It had been a quick morning with the case they had just got. They'd been called in early that morning to a homicide that was a relative of one of their CI's. It probably should have been a homicide case, but since the victim had connections to Intelligence, they had taken over. Fortunately, the case had ended up being pretty clear cut and they had arrested the likely suspect without incident within about four hours. It was so rare that a case shook out so smoothly, that Erin almost felt like it was a bad omen. With Thanksgiving on Thursday, the whole team was just holding their breaths that they might not get a new case between now and then. Voight had mentioned this morning that if they didn't have a case by noon tomorrow, they could leave for the holiday. Since Erin was cooking, she had a dozen things to prep tonight and tomorrow night in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner. Erin glanced at the clock on her computer screen and noted that they only had 20 hours before they were in the clear. Erin picked up the pace on her paperwork. If she hurried, she might actually be able to head out early tonight as well. She really wanted to get to the store to get some of the last minute ingredients she needed. She knew that tomorrow night the stores would be packed. Not to mention that she couldn't wait to pick up Daniel from Mrs. Deante's. She had missed the little guy last night, and she couldn't wait to see him tonight.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Jay emerge from the breakroom carrying two mugs of coffee. He leaned over her desk and placed one of the mugs on her desk. "Just made a fresh pot. Thought you'd want one." He murmured quietly before turning to head back to his seat.

"I'd like a cup." Atwater called out from his desk, a sly grin on his face.

Jay looked up at Kevin in surprise. "Uhhh…" He glanced back and forth between a surprised Erin and grinning Atwater.

"I mean, if you're delivering, I'd like some, too." Kevin explained with a smirk on his face, clearly enjoying Jay's discomfort.

Ruzek popped his head out from around the corner where his desk was at. "What are you delivering?" He asked curiously tipping back in his chair.

Kevin spun around with a mischievous grin on his face. "Halstead's delivering coffee now."

Ruzek grinned, "Cool." He directed his attention toward Jay, "Two sugars, light cream."

Erin sat dumbfounded by the conversation going on around her. The team had always pretty much ignored the fact that Jay and Erin had coupled up last year. Sure they'd make the casual comment here and there, but for the most part, they left them alone. After the break up, none of them had said anything to her, although the sideways glances they had given her told her that they clearly knew it was over. Erin wondered if being guys, they'd asked Jay for any details. Especially Ruzek. He and Jay had been hanging out a lot. Erin wondered how much Jay might have actually shared with the guys. She doubted he'd shared that he proposed, but you never know. Things have a way of getting out.

Atwater's comment led her to think that they had noticed the recent shift in their current relationship as well. Erin hated that her and Jay's relationship was fodder for the gossip circles, but she knew that was the consequence of dating someone you worked with. The blush on Jay's cheeks was a telltale sign that he was embarrassed by the guy's teasing as well.

He just muttered, "Assholes." Before sitting down at his desk, ignoring the looks from the rest of the guys.

Ruzek, clearly confused by the encounter, looked around, "Wait. I thought you were getting coffee?" He glanced at Kevin who just chuckled quietly to himself as he resumed his work.

Erin threw him a dirty look before looking over at Jay. He was looking down at some papers on his desk, but feeling her gaze, he gave a quick glance up. Erin lifted her steaming coffee cup to him in thanks. He rolled his eyes at her, but she saw a small smile cross his lips as well.

Last night's conversation still weighed heavily on her mind. Jay had been pretty honest about what he wanted. Erin knew he was willing to get back together if she just gave the word. Of course, the magic word was if she was willing to reconsidered marriage and family. Erin didn't truly understand why Jay just couldn't be content with what they had. These last few months apart had confirmed to her that she was just completely miserable without him. He just made everything better, and she knew that they could build a great life together. Could marriage be a part of that, too? Marriage just seemed so archaic and rigid. So permanent and forever. Yet, the more Erin thought about it, she kind of wanted Jay in her life permanently and forever. Did that mean she _did_ want to get married? It wasn't something she could wrap her head around, but she also was determined that this time she didn't want to lose Jay. She would do almost anything to make him happy.

She hadn't been sure what Jay's reaction was going to be this morning, but so far it had been pretty casual. Their conversation last night had been strained to start, with neither being really sure what the other wanted. Once Jay had revealed that he still wanted that future, Erin had worried that the tension between them would be back. When they had met on scene early this morning, she had been pleased to see that Jay was still in what could only be described as a good mood. Well, as good of mood you can be in while at a homicide scene. He'd been making his usual smart ass comments that usually lightened the mood at crime scenes.

Even when they'd been alone he'd been chatty. In the car this morning, he had a long tirade about traditional Thanksgiving foods and the current trend of fusion meal. He kept talking about a pumpkin cheesecake that his mom made each year, and Erin had an overwhelming desire to try and find a recipe for one to make. Everything seemed normal. Well not the normal that Erin had gotten used to, but the normal that they'd had before everything fell apart. Being able to have fun on the job and just be with each other throughout the day had been one of her favorite parts of their past relationship. She knew Jay was trying to keep the pressure off and she appreciated his effort.

Oh, and let's not forget about the touching. Erin knew it was more than just incidental contact. His hand skimming her back. The brush of his hands against the back of hers as they walked. Erin didn't know if she was just hyperaware of his presence, or if Jay was trying to drive her crazy.

Then there had been the vest incident.

When they had suited up for the arrest of their homicide suspect, Jay had helped her with her vest like the partners usually did. Except he hadn't done that in months. It wasn't like she couldn't gear up on her own, it had just been their routine as partners. Helping each other, a bit of a reassurance and connection before they knowingly put their lives on the line. This time however, it had been a little different. His fingers brushing ever so lightly against her collar bones. Lingering a few moments too long to not be considered a caress. His hand carefully pulling her hair to the side, his fingertips dancing along the sensitive skin at her neck. He leaned in close, and she had felt his warm breath behind her ear. For a brief moment, she had thought he was going to lean in and kiss her neck. Had they been alone in the room, she might have begged him to. Even so, she had allowed her head to fall to the side in a clear invitation for more. His hand had dipped to the side strap of her vest and he'd firmly reattached it. His fingers somehow brushing the skin at her waist. That thin sliver of skin that sometimes was revealed between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her jeans. Apparently, also a new erogenous zone for Erin, as she about melted right then and there.

"I've got you," was all he'd whispered against her ear. Erin had swallowed hard, but then he'd been gone. Across the garage planning their tactical entry with Antonio. Erin on the other hand had been left shaken. Her emotional connection to him had been what had pulled her towards him the night before, but today, it seemed like Jay was trying a different approach. Their sexual chemistry had always been on fire, and apparently Jay was choosing today to remind her of that. Not that she really needed a reminder. She worked with the guy every day, and you'd have to be blind to not notice how attractive he was, and Erin had perfect eyesight.

Lost in a bit of a daydream, Erin almost didn't notice her phone buzzing until Jay called her name. He pointed to her phone which was clearly vibrating across her desk. Noticing it was Mrs. Deante's number, she grabbed it up instantly.

"Hello," she said.

"Erin, I'm so glad I got you. I wasn't sure if I should call you first or Hank since he dropped Daniel off this morning." Mrs. Deante's voice had a worried tone to it.

"It's fine. What's wrong? What's going on with Daniel?" Erin knew Mrs. Deante wouldn't be calling if there wasn't a problem.

"I think Daniel is sick. He's been really fussy all day, and won't eat. I've been checking his temperature, and he's definitely running a high fever." Even while Mrs. Deante was talking, Erin got up from her chair, her phone at her ear as made her way into Hank's office. He looked up at her curiously. She mouthed to him that Daniel was sick. "With the holiday's coming up, I thought you might want to get him into the doctor as soon as possible. Was I wrong to call?"

"No, Mrs. Deante. Thank you so much. He's been fussy for a few days, so I am not that surprised." Hank motioned for her to go. "I'm leaving now. I'll be there soon."

Erin disconnected the phone and gave her attention to Hank, "He's got a high fever. I'm going to run him over to urgent care."

Hank nodded, "Yeah. He had a hard time settling down last night. I thought he was just missing you." He stood from his chair. "Go. Don't worry about your paperwork. I'll get Halstead to finish it up."

Erin sighed gratefully. "Thanks. I'll call you later and let you know what the doctor says."

Erin moved out of Hank's office and made a hard left to go to the locker room to grab her stuff. She felt someone move in right behind her as she entered. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw it was Jay. He was looking at her questioningly.

Erin started pulling her stuff out of her locker. "Daniel's sick. I've got to take him to the doctor."

Jay's brow furrowed in concern. "What's wrong? Is it the teeth thing again?"

Erin shook her head, "Doubtful. He's got a high fever."

She saw worry all over his face. "Do you need anything? Do you want me to come with you?"

Erin was surprised by the offer, but shook her head. "No, I'm good, but…ah, actually," She looked up at him hopefully. "Maybe you could finish my part of the paperwork on the case."

Jay waved her off, "Of course. No problem." As Erin hefted her bag onto her shoulder and started to move past Jay, he reached out to grab her shoulder. "Call me when you leave the doctor. Let me know what he says."

Erin paused and looked up at Jay, surprised by the obvious concern. "Yeah, sure." She gave him a nod. "I'll call you later." It felt weird to have someone else who was concerned. She gave him one last lingering look before she left.

Two and a half frustrating hours later, Erin was cursing the medical industry as a whole. After over an hour in the waiting room, followed by another half hour wait in the observation room, Erin was now waiting again at the crowded pharmacy next to the urgent care. During these three hours Daniel had been miserable, whining and crying almost nonstop. Ear infections in both ears were the cause of the fever, and the doctor had prescribed some antibiotics that the he said should have Daniel feeling better in just a few days. He'd given her a few other tips to help with the ear pain, but until Erin got home there was nothing she could do. She still needed to stop at the grocery store for some Pedialyte and some suggested food. Since Daniel had continued to refuse to eat, the doctor was concerned about dehydration.

Suddenly her phone rang, she shifted a squirmy Daniel to her other hip and pulled her phone out her pocket. She saw Jay's name flash on the screen. "Hey, Jay." She answered.

"What's the verdict?" he asked.

"Ear infections," Erin responded. "I'm at the pharmacy waiting on his prescription."

"You're not home yet?" Jay asked in surprised. "It's been hours."

"Trust me. I know." Erin lowered her voice a bit. "It's like half of Chicago is sick and most of them are in here with me right now. I'm worried Daniel is going to catch something worse waiting in line here. I still need to run to the store, too."

"What do you need? I can swing by and pick up whatever it is." Jay offered helpfully.

"Oh, no. I couldn't ask you to do that."

Erin could hear Jay's sigh, even over the phone. "You didn't ask, Erin. I am offering."

Daniel took that moment to let out a lusty cry. Erin saw the pharmacist motion to her that it was her turn. The idea that maybe she could be home in just fifteen minutes instead of running another errand was too tempting. "Thanks, Jay. I appreciate it."

"I'm headed out now. Text me a list of things you need." Hearing Jay's voice was reassuring, and Erin was grateful for the help.

….

It was closer to another half hour before Erin finally turned the corner to her apartment door. She almost sighed with relief when she saw Jay sitting against the wall playing on his phone. He scrambled to his feet and scooped up the collection of bags he had next to the door. Erin started to set Daniel down for a moment, so she could get her keys, but Jay had already reached out and pulled the now sleeping baby from her arms.

"Thanks," She murmured appreciatively. She dug through her purse for her keys, and finally found them, unlocking and opening the door.

Jay followed her in and asked quietly, "He finally fell asleep?"

Erin nodded, "Yeah. I think he just tuckered himself out with all that crying. As soon as I was driving back from the pharmacy, he passed out."

Once she set down her purse, she reached for Daniel and carefully moved into the other room to put him down in his crib. When she returned to the living room, Jay was in the kitchen unpacking the bags he had carried in.

"Okay. There are like twenty different flavors of this stuff. I got grape, cherry, bubble gum, and then the unflavored in case he doesn't like anything. Although I think that it probably has to have some sort of flavor." He set up all the different bottles in the array of colors and flavors. He started unscrewing each of them and sniffing each of the rainbow colored liquids.

Erin leaned over the counter to take a look. "Hmm. They look…colorful." She paused briefly and gave him a sneaky smile. "I know they look delicious and all, but I am pretty sure that amazing smell is not children's Pedialyte."

Jay grinned at her. "Well, I knew that there no way you had stopped and gotten anything to eat for yourself. Since I know the last time you ate was lunch, I figured you'd be hungry." He pushed a white take out bag her way.

Erin gleefully peeked in the bag, anticipating what she hoped was inside. "Burritos from Oscar's?"

Jay pulled the bag back across the table. "They are a little cool. I'll heat them up." He pulled the two burritos out of the bag as well as a smaller bag of tortilla chips. He passed the chips and salsa container toward her. He nodded toward the bedroom. "How's the little guy going to be?"

Erin slid on to one of the bar stools she kept at the counter and started munching on the chips. She was suddenly ravenous. Jay was right, it had been almost seven hours since she ate, and she was starving. She watched as Jay moved around her kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a couple beers. He popped the top off both and passed one to her. He then got busy unwrapping their food and getting plates. Microwaving and rotating each to make sure they were evenly heated. Erin smiled at the domestic side of Jay taking care of her.

"He should be okay. He'll be on the meds for about a week, but the doctor said he should have some relief in a day or so. He recommended some drops, too. Warm compresses on the ear can help as well if seems like his ears are bugging him."

Jay looked at her in concern. "You cancelling Thanksgiving?"

Erin shook her head, "No! I can't cancel Thanksgiving. Where would everyone go last minute?"

Jay studied her carefully, "Okay, but if you need to, just give us the word. Everyone will understand."

Erin nodded, "Okay. Hopefully Daniel will just sleep through the main event anyways."

The microwave beeped and Jay resumed his food preparations. Finally, he placed a burrito in front of her. Erin sighed in relief as she took her first bite. It was so good. Jay always knew the best take out places. Partially because he was not detoured by questionable exteriors and occasional heath department inquires. Erin had learned not to consider too closely where the food came from, and she just focused on the taste. They sat in silence for several minutes, just appreciating the meal.

Finally, full, Erin dropped her napkin and pushed her plate away. "That was so good."

Jay eyed her plate, "Yeah, I can tell. You decimated that thing."

Erin laughed, "I was hungry. You know stress makes me hungry."

Jay smiled and grabbed her plate. He dumped the remains into the trash can along with his own trash, before setting the plates in the sink. "So is he going to sleep the night away?"

Erin shook her head. "No, I actually need to wake him up. She eyed the clock. He needs to take his first dose of meds, and then I want him to try and eat or at least drink some of that Pedialyte."

Almost on cue, the sound of an awake Daniel from the bedroom made its way into the kitchen. "Be right back," Erin commented.

When she returned a minute later carrying Daniel, Jay had already chosen one of the bottles of the drink and was pouring it into a sippy cup. "I chose grape," Jay announced. "I remembered loving grape juice when I was a kid."

Erin grabbed the sippy cup from Jay and passed it to Daniel. "Can you take him for a moment? I need to figure out how this medicine works."

Jay nodded and walked around the kitchen breakfast bar to grab the little boy. He made his way over to the couch, and sat the little boy on the cushion next to him. Daniel looked up at Jay with big eyes, and waved around his cup. "You've got to drink that, little man." Jay mimicked the action of drinking the medicine. Daniel threw the cup onto the floor. Jay leaned over and picked it back up, passing it to Daniel again. Daniel repeated his toss, which resulted in Jay having to grab it again.

Erin laughed from her vantage point at the counter. "He's just going to keep doing that."

Jay spun his head around to look at Erin in exasperation. "So what am I supposed to do? Just leave it on the floor?"

Erin just chuckled and returned to reading the label on her prescription bottle. When she looked up again a few moments later, she saw that Jay had figured out a new strategy. He was currently drinking out of Daniel's sippy cup.

"Uh, Jay. That's for Daniel." She called out.

"Shhh. Shhh. Just watch." Jay dramatically tipped his head back and pretended to gulp the drink down. Sure enough, Daniel reached up to try and grab the drink. When Jay relented and let Daniel grab it, Daniel brought it to his lips and drank several sips by himself. Then Jay took it back, and pretended to drink some, before Daniel had his turn again.

Erin smiled as she made her way over to the couch. She sat on the coffee table facing the boys. "Okay. I've got a dropper full of meds for him. Hopefully this is going to work. I need him to open his mouth so I can drop it in." Erin studied Daniel, hoping for a good moment, where she thought she could get the meds in his mouth.

Jay sat forward on the couch. "Hey, why don't you pretend to give it to me first. He liked copying me. Maybe he'd still do it." Jay tipped his head back and leaned forward, so Erin could pretend to put the dropper full of medicine into his mouth. Erin leaned over and placed the dropper next to his mouth. As Jay had predicted, Daniel climbed forward a bit and opened his mouth as well. Not waiting for a second chance, Erin moved the medicine drop and squeezed the liquid into his mouth. Daniel made a funny face, but Jay laughed and rubbed his belly to show it was yummy, and so Daniel copied him.

Erin looked back and forth between the two boys. "Wow! This bromance developed quickly."

Jay sat back with a smug look on his face. "I'm a natural. What can I say?"

Erin's heart sped up a bit at the remark. Erin knew that Jay didn't mean anything by the comment, but Erin still kept thinking about how much she knew that Jay wanted a family. He really was a natural. Maybe he didn't spend much time with babies, but he had the fun loving personality that kids just naturally were attracted to. Erin knew that she could never deny him this opportunity. Even if she hadn't been keen on having kids herself, she knew that Jay needed to be a dad. The idea of him fathering a child to someone else made Erin feel sick. Unaware of Erin's current thoughts, Jay sat on the couch with a huge grin on his face, trying to tease Daniel into drinking more. Rattled, Erin jumped up from where she was sitting on the table and took the medicine back to the kitchen, rinsing the dropper out and placing it next to the sink to dry.

"So, what do you guys usually do in the evenings?" Jay asked.

Erin moved around the kitchen, putting away the other food items that Jay had purchased for her. "I don't know. Play with his toys I guess. Usually read some books. Occasionally watch a game on TV. He usually goes down by nine, but with him being sick who knows when that will be. I usually shower and do all that once I am sure he is out." She gave Jay a shake of the head. "Nothing is worse than being two minutes into a shower with a head full of shampoo and then hear him screaming bloody murder."

Jay laughed, "Well that explains a few choice hairdos I've see you with lately."

Erin walked back into the living room and threw a couch pillow in Jay's direction.

He caught it easily before setting it down and giving Erin a look. "Seriously. Why don't you go take a hot shower or bath? I can watch Daniel for a bit."

The offer was tempting. "Are you sure?" She looked at Daniel fondly. "He looks cute right now, but he can be a handful. Especially, with him being sick."

Jay waved her off. "Come on. I deal with criminals and scumbags. How much trouble could a one-year-old be?"

Erin shook her finger at him, "Famous last word...famous last words." She bent down and dropped a kiss on Daniel forehead. "Okay. Be good for Jay. He's new at this." She whispered.

As she walked passed Jay, she resisted the urge to drop a kiss on his head, too. Instead she just ruffled his head, just like she would with Daniel. He caught her hand as she lifted it, and stared at her with a bit of a question in his eyes. She just pulled her hand away and started to walk out of the room. She knew she was walking near fire. Flirting and having fun with Jay was so easy, but she knew it couldn't be just innocent with them. She was so thankful for him at this moment. Not for the groceries or the help with the medicine. She was just thankful that she was going to have an uninterrupted shower. All kidding aside, his help tonight had been much appreciated. Erin noticed that Jay's eyes followed her as she moved into her bedroom, and she wished she knew what he was thinking.

Despite being grateful for the opportunity to wash without keeping one ear listening for crying, Erin still hurried through her shower. She really just wanted to get back with Jay and Daniel. After just towel drying her hair and slipping on some yoga pants and an old T-shirt, Erin made her way out to the living room. As soon as she turned the corner into the living room, she halted. The scene in front of her was just too much for her fragile heart to handle.

Jay was kicked back on the couch with his feet up on her coffee table. (She'd yell at him about that later.) Daniel was propped up on his lap, and both boys were studying the TV screen in earnest. Jay was leaning towards Daniel, and pointing out the different players on the screen and what their job was. Whether Daniel was mesmerized by the movement of the players on the ice, or just enraptured by Jay's attention, Erin didn't know. Regardless, the scene was adorable. She padded over to the couch, and sat down next to Jay.

"I see someone is getting their first hockey lesson," Erin smiled over at Jay. Hearing Erin's voice, immediately caught Daniel's attention, and he wriggled out of Jay's arms and toward Erin.

Jay mocked rejection, "Daniel! I thought we were bros!"

Erin flashed him a grin, "Boys always choose the ladies, despite their "bro" connections." She messed Daniel's hair a bit, as the boy became fascinated by her still wet hair.

"I don't blame him." Jay eyed her slyly, "I'd trade places with him right now."

Erin was flustered by the comment since Daniel was pressed against her chest, his head tucked into her neck. Of course the image of Jay flush against her sent all sorts of inappropriate thoughts racing through her head. Erin chose to ignore the comment and focused her attention on the hockey game. After a few more minutes, Daniel got restless again, and she reluctantly let him down onto the ground. He immediately waddled over to his basket full of his favorite toys. Erin split her attention between the game and watching Daniel explore his toys. She noticed Jay doing the same. Erin relaxed against the couch and was aware of the picture that they must present. Her and Jay on the couch watching the game and Daniel. It was just so domestic that Erin felt it was unreal.

Erin tried to keep her thoughts on the game, but it was hard with Jay's leg pressed up against hers and his shoulder brushing her arm every time he lifted his beer. Every time he shifted, she held her breath in anticipation. She didn't know what she was waiting for, but she couldn't relax.

"You're so tense, Erin. Relax." Jay lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, squeezing and massaging her neck. Erin closed her eyes and let her chin drop to her chest at his touch. The massage actually felt amazing, and Erin could feel some of the tension and stress seeping out of her. She let out a soft sigh.

Jay laughed, "Come here." He shifted sideways, so that Erin could present her back to him a little bit more easily. He swept her damp hair to the side, and he placed both his hands on her shoulders and began kneading firmly by gently. "Wow, Erin. There are knots the size of golf balls back here.

Erin laughed, "You try carting around a sick one-year old to the doctor all afternoon."

"Oh, come on, he weighs like twenty pounds max."

"Yeah, but it's like carrying a sack of flour around with you all day long." Erin complained.

Jay just kept up the massage, his fingers moving from her shoulders down her spine. Erin could feel the heat of his hands through the thin material of her cotton shirt. The warmth of his touch spreading through her body and settling in her stomach, causing butterflies that rested there to riot in reaction.

"Nice shirt," Jay commented lightly. "It was always one of my favorites."

Erin's eyes flew open, and she looked down at the shirt she was wearing. She grimaced when she realized that he was right it was his. Truthfully, her drawers were filled with several of his old t-shirts. She had just always loved sleeping in them, so much so that, she barely even thought of them as his anymore.

Erin tossed a glance over her shoulder at him, "It's very comfortable."

He narrowed his eyes at her in mock annoyance, "I can barely remember. It's been missing so long."

Erin twisted to look at him and smirked, "Did you want it back?" Her tone was teasing, but there was huskiness to her voice that made Jay pause.

His hands changed their movement, and dropped to the bottom of the shirt in question. He fingered it thoughtfully, his fingers rubbing the material. "Maybe I should try it on and see if it still fits right." The tone of the conversation definitely shifted. Jay's voice deepened, and his eyes traced her face, then dipped lower to trace the shape of her body under the shirt. He let out a frustrated sigh, He quietly groaned, "You're killing me, Erin." His voice showed the desire that he was trying desperately to keep down.

Caught up in the moment, Erin took the initiative, leaned forward, and brushed her lips against his. Her light contact apparently was all the invitation that he needed. Jay's arms wound around her, rotating and pulling her against his chest as his mouth slid across hers. One hand tangled in her hair, holding her close as his mouth slanted against hers. His other hand found its way up her back under the discussed t-shirt and stroked her bare back. At his touch against her bare skin, passion reared up in Erin and she shifted her position to lay more against him, wanting more contact. One hand gripped his neck to help maintain the contact, while her other lay splayed against his chest, just above where Jay's heart was frantically beating. His mouth worked it's magic and soon all Erin was thinking about was wanting more. So much time had passed, and for so long she had desired to have him again in her life and in her arms.

Suddenly a large plastic truck ran itself along Erin's leg and back. Followed by the hum of an engine sound. Erin felt Jay smile against her mouth, before pulling away, to look at the boy over Erin's shoulder. "Come on, kid." He groaned. Daniel just continued with his makeshift roadway, continuing up Erin's back and moving onto Jay's arm. Erin heard the rumble in Jay's chest as he laughed, and she reluctantly pulled herself off Jay's chest and up to a sitting position. Daniel scrambled up onto the couch in the space between where Erin and Jay had been laying and started proudly sharing his favorite toy with Jay.

Erin saw Jay take a steadying breath, trying to get his desire under control. He grabbed the toy and showed interest in it, while lifting his eyes to meet Erin's. She saw an odd mix of hunger and laughter there that was so attractive. She moved a few more feet away on the couch, trying to put a little space between herself and Jay, or else she might just toss Daniel off the couch and climb on top of Jay. She tucked her feet under her, and looked at the two as they played.

Erin was so confused right now. That moment, no matter how brief, had felt absolutely perfect to Erin. It scared her so much. She knew she wanted Jay, and she wanted this closeness with him. She just wasn't sure what kissing him meant. Did he think it meant she was committing to what he wanted, or was it him willing to compromise to be with her? Or did it even matter anymore as long as they were together?

Erin watched the two play for a few minutes, then stood up. "Okay, Daniel. I think it is bedtime for you." She saw a small smile play on Jay's lips. She knew he was thinking that they just might resume their activities after she put Daniel down. Trying to think with her brain, and not her body, she gave him a stern look. "Why don't we walk you to the door?"

Jay's mouth dropped open in surprise, but he quickly closed it and stood up, his eyes twinkling. "Chicken…" he muttered under his breath.

"No," Erin replied with a laugh, "Just probably being smart."

"I don't know about _that_." Jay disagreed vehemently although he still started to make his way to the door, with Erin following him. Once there he stopped with hand on the doorknob. He gave her sexy smile. "I think we could _talk_ some more after he goes down."

Erin gave him a little shove, "No, I think we actually need to talk some more before we 'talk' again."

Jay's forehead crinkled in confusion, but the laughter in his eyes let Erin know that he knew exactly what she was talking about. They needed to talk and work things out before they let themselves get physically involved. The last time they had indulged in a night of passion, the next morning had been full of regrets. Erin didn't want that again. She wanted them to figure this out right.

As Jay opened the door, he paused one last time to look at her. "Last chance." He grinned.

Smiling, she leaned up and brushed a light kiss on his cheek, "Thank you for tonight."

Jay wiggled his eyebrows at her, "Anytime." He leered jokingly.

"Shut up, you idiot!" Erin shoved him out the door, but couldn't stop the laughter.

He grinned widely, "No, seriously. Anytime." He dipped his head to look at Daniel and tap him on the chin. "This guy's great. Anytime you need help. Just ask."

Erin's throat was suddenly tight, and she just nodded as he turned to walk away. She walked him turn the corner, and for the first time in a long time, Erin was hopeful. She felt like maybe they actually could work this all out and find a way to be together and have everything they both wanted.

 **Author's Note: Well, I hoped this satisfied a few of you who have been dying for them to "maybe" get back together. But… don't forget the name of this fic! Keep reviewing and I'll keep writing. (I've got the next three planned out in detail)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note: Just breathe. This is going to be a hard one.**

Erin tapped aimlessly on the steering wheel as she sat at a red light just a few blocks from the precinct. She had just dropped Daniel off at the babysitters for an hour or so. Hank told her should could have the day off, but he needed her to sign a few things that wrapped up their last case. Normally, he'd let it slide, but with Thanksgiving tomorrow, he wanted everything taken care of before everybody disappeared for the holidays. It would be a skeleton crew even over the weekend, with the maximum number of people taking time off. Erin hated leaving Daniel when he was sick, but she knew she'd back in just a little over an hour. He'd still been a bit fussy this morning, but he'd ate some of the applesauce she'd offered and he drank a full cup of the Pedialyte. Without Jay to help with the medicine, she'd had a little more difficulty getting him to open his mouth, but eventually most of it had ended up down his throat.

Jay. Erin bit her lip, thinking about last night. Those few moments when they had given into their passion had been electrifying, yet it hadn't been their kissing that had kept her up most of the night. Instead, she'd been tortured by images of Jay playing with Daniel and a more bothersome image of Jay holding a tiny baby. The thoughts of what could be and might be someday had caused Erin to toss and turn past midnight.

Erin pulled up to the precinct and had just put her car in park, when she realized there was someone standing in front of her car. Leaning against the fence where she normally parked was a young officer she recognized. Absolutely recognized, as someone she had last seen in Jay's darkened apartment several weeks ago.

Erin slipped out of her car and allowed herself to look distracted as she pulled her bag out of the back seat of her car. She hoped the young woman would walk away. She hoped that her position was just a coincidence, and that she wasn't actually there waiting for someone. With her eyes lowered, Erin gave her a quick nod, and started to walk passed her.

"Detective Lindsay," the officer spoke out, stepping out from her resting spot against the chain link fence and blocking Erin's path.

Erin reluctantly paused, shifting the weight of her bag a bit, and looked expectantly at the officer. "Um, Officer Kane?" she inquired. Erin hadn't worked with her often, and wasn't positive on her name.

"Crane, Jennifer or Jenn Crane." The officer corrected, obviously nervous.

She looked Officer Crane over, and Erin was less than pleased. The girl was cute. Not cutesy or drop dead gorgeous, but attractive. Long brown hair, braided tightly in the back. Striking blue eyes, that caused Erin to be reminded of Jay's own eyes. A little taller than Erin, slender but athletic. Erin waited to hear whatever was on the girl's mind. She was sure this was going to be an uncomfortable conversation.

"Is it even over between the two of you?" Jenn inquired, and Erin saw the nerves that the young officer was dealing with. She admired that Jenn didn't beat around the bush, even if it wasn't something Erin wanted to talk about or think about.

"I think you're asking the wrong person." Erin responded. She tried to keep all emotion from her voice. Why was she coming to her, and not Jay? What was the exact relationship between these two? And what the hell was Jay doing kissing her last night if he was involved with someone else!

Jenn nodded, "I know. Jay told me you guys were done, but I just wanted to hear it from you." She bit her lip nervously. "I, ah, respect you, Detective, and I wouldn't want to cause a problem." Erin felt rage fill her. Jay said they were done? When exactly had he had this conversation with Officer Crane. Monday night when he was holding her hand and telling her she was all he was ever going to want, or last night when he was holding her nephew, making her dinner, or had his tongue down her throat. Erin just shook her head in disbelief. This girl was certainly going to be a problem. Not for her and Erin, but clearly for Erin and Jay.

After the last week, Erin felt physically ill finding out he actually was seeing someone. She had suspected when she had caught Ruzek and the girls in Jay's apartment, but a part of her had just told herself it probably wasn't serious. She'd kind of held out hope that maybe it was just a hangout thing. He'd spent most of the week giving her those soft-eyed looks that twisted up her heart and made her believe in possibilities. What on Earth was he doing talking about them getting back together if there was some other girl? Erin tried to slam a door on those feelings as she faced the girl in front of her.

"Listen, Jay and I broke up months ago, so he's free to do what he wants." Erin tried to keep the anger she was feeling from showing. She saw a crease form in Jenn's brow, and she could tell that she was more than just inquiring about their past relationship.

The girl looked away for a moment, before meeting Erin's eyes, "He said that, too, but you showed up at his place that one night, and then in the last week, he hasn't returned any of my texts or calls. A friend saw you guys at Molly's a few nights ago." Her eyes looked so vulnerable. She shrugged a bit. "I just really like him, and I don't want to get played."

Damn, Jay. Erin was pissed that she was being put into this situation. She had her own mixed up feelings toward Jay, yet here she was trying to placate another girl that was falling for him. The girl seemed so sweet, and it irritated her to no end that Jay was playing games with her. Apparently with both of them.

Erin sighed audibly, "Listen Jenn, Jay and I are _not_ together." She cringed at the relieved look that crossed the other girl's face. "But…do you want me to be honest with you?"

Doubt filled Jenn's face, but she nodded.

Erin continued, "I'm not saying this as a jealous ex-girlfriend. You came to me, so I suspect you might already realize this. Jay and I do have some unresolved…issues...feelings? I don't know how to describe it. It's over, but it's not done, if you get what I mean." She saw a pained look cross Jenn's face, "He's probably not looking for something serious if that is what you are hoping for." As she watched tears fill the girl's eyes, Erin felt bad for her. She knew that girls fell easily for Jay. I mean, she'd had a crush on him herself, probably less than a week after she met him.

Jenn sniffed a bit, and Erin could tell that she was trying to hold back her tears, "No, I think I did know. I was just hopeful, you know?" Erin did know. She knew what it was like to hope for something with Jay. She'd hoped for it secretly for so long, and then been delighted when a relationship with him was all that she had anticipated. Jay had been a great boyfriend, and Erin wasn't surprised this girl had hoped for something real with him. Of course, right now, Erin thought he was scum. Trying to play two girls at once.

As if the fates willed him to appear, Jay's car pulled into the parking lot. Erin noted the moment he saw the two women standing together. His car jolted to a halt, despite only being partially pulled into his parking spot. Both ladies just stared at his car as he eased it into its spot. Several seconds went by, and Erin believed that Jay could have easily have exited his vehicle by now.

Jenn, obviously having had enough, muttered a quick bye and scurried away toward the building. Once she had left, Erin just leaned against the fence and crossed her arms, waiting for the little chicken to emerge from his car. Jay did, with a clearly, hesitant look on his face. He gave her a nod in greeting as he approached.

Despite the turmoil she was feeling, Erin decided she was going to try and be the better person. "You should probably go after her."

Jay have a quick look the way that Jenn had gone, then he turned his attention back to Erin and gave her a long glance. "No, I probably shouldn't."

Erin leveled her eyes at him, "She's a nice girl."

Jay made a face at her, "So? You giving me dating advice?"

Erin shook her head, "No, but she doesn't deserve to be ghosted. If you want to break up with her, call her and break up with her."

"I'm not ghosting her!" Jay complained. "There's no breaking up that needs to be done. We went on a handful of dates and that is it." He looked down at Erin, "I wasn't feeling it and you know why." His voice was low as he said the words.

The calm that Erin had tried to hold onto during her talk with Jenn started to evaporate. "If you are dating her, you shouldn't have been kissing me!"

Jay looked around in frustration, "I have not talked or texted her since the moment I found out the truth, Erin."

Erin shook her head, anger and pain, filling her. "I can't talk about this with you, right now. I need to get inside and then leave." She turned and started hurrying away.

"Erin!" Jay chased after her, his hand reaching for her elbow. "Stop! This doesn't change anything and you know it!"

Erin spun around in anger. Her eyes blazing. "How can you say that the fact that you are seeing someone else doesn't change anything?"

Anger now flared in Jay, "You are just using this as another excuse to run away, Erin!"

Erin looked at him, fighting tears of anger. She just stared at him in disbelief. Shaking her head, she took a few steps back. "Stay away from me, Jay." At that, she spun away and raced toward the building, leaving Jay standing alone on the sidewalk.

She had put herself out there so much for Jay. Telling him the truth about Daniel and Olive. Sharing what was going on in her life. Sharing her fears and concerns. He'd always been the only person she'd trusted with her heart. Maybe her thoughts were irrational, but she just felt so betrayed.

Erin had managed to partially calm herself by the time she made it into the squad room. She'd did a quick wave at everyone and bee lined it straight into Hank's office, slamming the door behind her.

Hank looked up in surprise, "Erin! What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" She dropped into the chair, "What do you need me to sign?"

Hank eyed her worriedly. "Is it Danny?"

Erin let out an exasperated sigh, "No. It's personal." She grabbed a pen off of Hank's desk, and she held it poised to sign. She looked at Hank expectantly. "Let's do this. I want to go pick up Daniel."

Erin knew that by saying it was personal, Hank pretty much knew that it had to do with Jay. His eyes rose, and looked out the window behind her, where he had a clear shot to see Jay. Erin assumed he had just arrived at his desk. Hank narrowed his eyes a bit, then decided to drop it.

He pulled out a few folders and pushed them across the desk toward Erin. She spent a few minutes signing and reading over things, and then she was done. She stood up, and she took a deep breath before heading out into the squad room. She'd hoped to make a quick exit, but was stopped by Ruzek.

"Hey, Erin. How's that nephew of yours? Heard he was sick. Thanksgiving still on?" he asked.

Erin stopped mid stride and turned to face Ruzek, who unfortunately sat right behind Jay's desk. "Yeah, he's getting better. Tomorrow is still on. 4 o'clock."

"You need any help with the turkey?" Ruzek questioned, "Cause I am counting on a delicious bird."

Erin forced a smile, not allowing herself to look over at Jay. It was bad enough she could see him in her peripheral vision. "Hank's going to come by tonight to help prep the turkey for tomorrow." It wasn't true, although he had volunteered this morning when he had called her in. At that time, she'd imagined Jay would more than likely be stopping by and she'd assumed they would prep together. Now she made sure Jay heard that Hank would be at her place tonight. She knew that would detour him from trying to stop by and talk to her. She had no desire to talk or hear his excuses at this moment.

At that, Erin quickly said good bye and left. As she drove to pick up Daniel, she had to keep taking deep breaths to control her emotions. She knew that she didn't really have a right to be angry at Jay. Her brain just wasn't functioning rationally. All she could imagine was Jay with this other girl. The thoughts made her sick and cause a panicked feeling. Last night she had seriously considered that maybe, just maybe, she could imagine a forever and family with Jay. She just knew this was a sign that it just wasn't in the cards for her. She couldn't even hold on to the dream for a day.

…

By afternoon, Erin questioned if she had lost her mind when she thought she could cook Thanksgiving dinner by herself. Her kitchen was a disaster of preparations. Her only saving grace was that Daniel had decided to take a nap after lunch. Eyeing the clock, she hoped he would sleep another hour or two at least.

Suddenly she heard a knocking at the door. Wondering if maybe Hank had decided to stop by after all, she hurried over. She wanted to grab the door before another knock potentially woke Daniel. Swinging the door open, she resisted the urge to slam it back shut. Jay shouldered his way in, not waiting for an invitation that he rightly would not get.

"I don't want you here." Erin stated, crossing her arms over her chest as he passed her.

Jay strode into the living room, ignoring her. "Well, you are going to listen to- what the hell happened to you?" He stared at her in disbelief.

Erin glanced down and realized she was covered with a variety of ingredients from egg to flour to cream. While she was confident that she was a decent cook, neatness was not a trait of hers. Especially when she was out of practice with the whole cooking and planning thing.

"I'm cooking!" Erin stated obviously. "And I'd like to get back to it, so leave!"

Jay's eyes ran from her head to her toes and back up again, a look of concern. "Are you sure about tomorrow, Erin. I mean. It looks like you are having a hard time." He reached in his pocket for his phone. "I can call somewhere and see if we can get one of those meals you just go and pick up-"

"Jay! Go home! I don't want to talk, and I certainly don't need your help." Erin walked away from him, and headed back into the kitchen.

Ignoring her command, Jay made his way over to the kitchen as well, and his mouth dropped open in horror. "What did you kill in here?"

Erin pursed her lips in annoyance. "I don't have time for this."

Jay shrugged, "Well, I have the next 48 hours off, so I do have time for this."

Erin just glared at him. "Fine. You want to have your say. Talk. Then leave."

Jay looked at her and opened his mouth to talk. Then he shut it and just grinned. "I'm sorry. I just can't talk to you when you look like that." He motioned to his face, then to hers. "You've got flour all over here, and…" He scrunched up his nose and tilted his head in confusion. "I think there's…peanut butter? Or something brown on your ear."

Exasperated Erin stalked out of the room and headed to her bedroom. Once there, she tried to quiet her movements as she made her way to the bathroom. She cringed when she looked at the mirror. At least know she knew why Jay was looking at her with horror. It looked like a kitchen had exploded in her face. She quickly scrubbed it, and then slipped into a new shirt. When she returned to the other room, Jay was still standing in her living room, surveying the disaster of her kitchen in amazement.

"Okay. Talk." She told him curtly.

Jay walked close to her, and tried to place his hands on her shoulders. Erin ducked out of his embrace. She didn't want his physical closeness confusing her anger. He sighed at her reaction but began. "That girl means nothing to me. She never did, and she never will."

"Jenn." Erin stated, giving her a name. She wasn't some nameless girl. It was someone in the outskirts of Erin's life. Someone she was going to bump into and have to see over the years.

Jay exhaled a deep breath, "Yeah, Jenn." He looked deeply into Erin's eyes. "I met her a month ago. We went on a few dates, but I knew it wasn't going to be anything. It wasn't anything important."

Erin just glared at him.

"I called her as soon as you left. I made sure it was clear that she knew it wasn't going to happen." He looked at her pointedly, "I told her that I still want you."

Erin let out an exasperated breath. "You shouldn't have done that. Cause this ain't going to happen."

"Erin. Stop acting like this. I told you. The second you even gave me the slightest hint that there might be a possibility for us, I never called her again. I meant what I said, you're all I've ever wanted." Jay was looking at Erin with such desperation, that she knew he was telling her the truth. It didn't matter though, and Erin knew why. She didn't want to hear the truth, but she had to ask.

Her voice was barely a whisper, "Did you sleep with her?"

The pained look on Jay's face said enough, and Erin didn't even need to hear the words. That was why she was so upset. She knew the second Jenn had asked her if they were really over that it was because they had been sleeping together. A girl didn't get that crazy over a guy that they were just hanging out with.

"Oh my god," Erin turned her back on Jay, and closed her eyes to try and block out the image.

"It didn't mean anything, Erin. I promise." His voice sounded so distressed, and Erin knew that he regretted it. Her mind was just filled with so much pain that she couldn't even speak. Jay tried to explain. "We had been broken up for months. I was certain there was no chance for us. I was hurt and angry. It was just a few weeks after the Harris case, and I was still pretty messed up over that." She felt him step close to her, but smartly didn't actually touch her. "It was just one time, Erin, and I felt guilty immediately. I knew it was wrong because I wasn't over you."

Erin still continued to give no response. She just kept her back turned and eyes closed as she tried to keep some kind of control over her emotions.

Jay continued, his voice rising a bit, "I knew you were dating that Garcia guy. I couldn't handle that. I was crazy with jealousy and anger. I wasn't over you."

At that Erin spun around. "One date! I went on one date with him." She laughed bitterly, "And we talked about you during most of it."

Jay eyes her suspiciously, "So nothing happened there?"

Erin shrugged, "I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you are asking."

She saw a fountain of emotions fly across Jay's face, with relief winning. "I didn't know that." His expression moved into regret. "I didn't know," he repeated.

Erin just shook her head sadly. "It doesn't matter." She felt her anger start to leave. All she was left with was emptiness, hopelessness. Pain.

This time Jay wouldn't take the brush off, "No. I'm not going to let you use this as an excuse to push me away again. We weren't together, and I didn't think we'd ever be together again. I still want you, Erin. I know you still want a life with me. Last night showed that we are still great together."

"Just cause we get turned on when we kiss, doesn't mean we are great together, Jay. That could happen with anyone." She gave him a disgusted look, "Obviously."

Irritation shone in his blue eyes, "I didn't mean that part. I meant just us being together last night. Having dinner, talking, helping each other, playing with the kid. All that is what makes us great!" This time he did reach for her, his hands cupping her cheeks. "We fit, Erin, and I know you realize it, too. That's why we can never let each other go."

Erin looked at him defiantly, "You let me go."

"I didn't want to."

Erin just glared at him, "But you did. You say I pushed you away, but the truth is, you walked away from me this time. I wanted us desperately to stay together, but you left me. You moved on."

Jay let his hands drop. "What was I supposed to do, Erin? I asked you to marry me. You rejected me! Was I supposed to just hang around forever hoping you'd change your mind?" Jay let his own hurt out.

"Yes!" Erin yelled. "You were supposed to wait. You know I am not comfortable with this kind of stuff. Love, relationships, commitment. It was all so new to me, and I just felt like you were rushing me. It just took me longer to realize that I wanted it, too."

Jay took several deep breaths. He looked at her in confusion. "You-you want it too?" A light sparkled in his eyes at her comment. He tried to take a step closer to her.

Erin's hand flew up to stop him, pushing hard on his chest. "No. Not now."

He looked at her in disbelief. "Are you really going to blame me for something that happened when we weren't together?" His eyes blazed with emotion, "You know I would never cheat on you Erin. I love you."

"Yet, you were sleeping with someone else and didn't think to share that with me." Erin replied.

Jay's frustration at her was starting to turn to anger. "Why can't you forgive me, Erin? You know it didn't mean anything. We weren't together! How can you not forgive me when I-?" He broke off, shaking his head.

"When you what?" Erin crossed her arms in anger. She knew exactly what he was going to say. "Say it, Jay."

Jay just glared at her in anger, "Fine! I forgave you for sleeping around after Nadia died."

Erin just laughed, a hollow empty sound, that didn't truly show the hurricane of emotions that were inside her. "So what? This was payback for that?"

"No! It was just me trying to get over a broken heart, Erin." His eyes held a depth of emotion, that Erin didn't know if she'd ever seen before. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt? When we were together, I loved you so deeply. I literally could not imagine not waking up with you every single day for the rest of my life. After we broke up, I'd still wake up and think you were there with me. For months, I kept that stupid ring with me, thinking that you were going to just turn to me one day in the car and just tell me you wanted me. That you wanted us." He took a deep breath, "It wasn't paypack, Erin. It was just me trying to find out if I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life."

Erin's voice was low, almost a whisper as a realization dawned on her. "All we ever do it hurt each other."

Jay shook his head, "No."

Erin disagreed, "It's true. I hurt you, you hurt me. We can't move on because we just keep holding on to these dreams that are just that: dreams. I'm done dreaming, Jay."

Jay looked at her, "This isn't over. We aren't over."

"Yeah, I think we are." Erin stated. She needed him to go. She didn't think she could hold it in any longer. Her heart was breaking, and she didn't want to fall apart in front of him. Erin strode to the door and opened it. "Please go, Jay."

Jay stood still for a moment, just staring at her. Finally, he slowly walked to the door. He stopped when he got there. He looked down at her in anguish. He whispered softly, "Please forgive me, Erin. I love you."

Erin looked up at him, and saw tears in his eyes. Her heart broke, but she managed to keep her resolve. She didn't speak, just opened the door for him to go. Jay finally turned and angrily strode off, almost crashing into Hank who turned the corner at the same time he did. Jay just stormed on, continuing to the stairs and out of sight.

Hank made his way to Erin's door, "What's up with, Halst-? Erin, what's wrong?"

Seeing Hank, knowing that Jay was gone, every emotion that Erin had been holding back all day, suddenly flooded through her. Tears flowed freely and she started to cry. Great, big sobs that shook her whole body. Hank stepped forward immediately, taking her into his arms.

"Shh, shh, it's okay. I'm here." He carefully moved her back into her apartment, and shut the door behind them. "What happened? What did he do?"

Erin continued to cry, "Wh-why-why didn't I j-just say y-yes?" She looked up at Hank through the tears, "I loved him. I want to marry him. Why couldn't I just say yes? Why can't I just let myself be happy?"

Hank stroked her hair as she continued to cry, comforting her the best he could. When her cries started to subside, he spoke, "It's not too late. You know that boy still loves you."

Erin shook her head violently. "I ruined it. I hurt him and now he-" Even in her emotional state, Erin knew that she couldn't share the rest with Hank. While Erin might be angry and hurt by Jay's actions, there was no telling what Hank might do to him. He didn't deserve that.

"He what?" Hank questioned sternly.

Erin pulled back, wiping the tears from her cheeks and sniffing. "He wants me to forgive him."

"For?" Hank's eyes narrowed in concern.

Erin shook her head, "It doesn't matter. We don't work. We just need to get over it."

Hank waved her comment off, "Bullshit." Erin looked at him in surprise. "Erin, you know from the beginning that I didn't want you two together. That I was certain it was going to end in nothing by drama."

Erin interjected, "I get it. This is an I-told-you-so."

"No," Hank countered, "This is me telling you that I have never seen you happier then when you were with him." Hank pursed his lips as he thought about it. "The kid might get on my nerves, here and there. Likes to overstep, but there's never been a doubt that he cares for you, Erin." Hank shrugged, "I don't know if you two need to run off and get married, but I do know that you two work." He looked deep into her eyes, "That doesn't always come more than once in a lifetime, Erin. Trust me. I know."

"It's not supposed to be so hard." Erin begged. "Why can't we just get it together?"

"Marriage is hard. You think it wasn't hard for me and Camille? You think we didn't argue and fight. Making up and forgiveness was sometimes the best part."

Erin shook her head, "No, this is different."

Hank looked at her directly, "Is it? You don't know how things were." Erin looked at him. She had always imagined Hank and Camille as some sort of perfect couple. Two people who just loved each other and were devoted. But the truth was, she knew that Hank lived life that often crossed the line. How much of that life Camille had been aware of, she didn't know? Had that caused conflict? Hank looked at her seriously, "Do you love him?"

Erin nodded. "I do, but..."

Hank interrupted, "Can you imagine spending every day with him for the rest of your life?"

Erin let out a shaky breath, "Of course. We already do."

"Then is there really anything that is so unforgivable to keep that from happening?"

Erin just stared at Hank, lost in thought. Could she forgive him? Her heart just hurt so much, knowing that he'd been with someone else so recently. That while she'd been struggling and dealing with Olive and Daniel, he'd been hooking up with someone else. Her brain kept telling her that they'd been apart. He'd been free to do what he wanted, but how could she really explain that to her heart. It had been so bruised throughout the ending of their relationship, and she knew opening herself back up to him could just hurt it worse.

Last night after Jay had left, she had seriously daydreamed about what a life would Jay might look like if they got married and had kids. While the idea had terrified her, she also had been filled with a kind of excitement. To go on that adventure with Jay, it just didn't seem as scary. Then everything fell apart again.

She tried to put herself in Jay's shoes and how he must have felt last year when it became clear to him that she was with someone else. While they'd never discussed it, during their time apart, she'd been with other men. She'd tried anything to block the grief of Nadia's death. That one night when Jay had stormed in, guns blazing, to find Landen on her couch. The look on his face and been clear that he knew the guy wasn't just some buddy she was hanging out with. After she'd sobered up and they'd resumed their relationship, it had seemed that he was just happy to have her back and that he truly didn't care about what had gone on. It had bothered her that he could let it all go, but that had also been part of what made her love him. His ability to forgive and see the good in her. Why couldn't she do the same?

A few more tears filled Erin's eyes, and Hank wiped at them. "Come on, Erin. I can't be your relationship therapist. This is about all I've got."

Erin gave him a watery shrug. "I know. Thanks for the advice. I just don't know how…"

"You just do. Cause that's what you do for the people you love."

Erin nodded. She wanted to. She really wanted to erase the image of Jay with someone else. Maybe she could someday, just not right now.

Suddenly, Hank looked around her apartment. "Erin? Did Jay do this to your apartment? Is that why you are mad at him?"

Erin followed his gaze to see the disaster of her kitchen. "No! Shut up. I was cooking." Hank just raised his eyebrows at her in disbelief. Erin was indignant. "I was going to clean up. I just got distracted. I've had some uninvited visitors today."

Hank seemed unconvinced. "Okay, as touching at this father daughter conversation has been, I really came over to check on my sick grandson. Where is he?"

Erin took a deep breath, trying to regain some control over her emotions. "He's sleeping." She checked the clock. "He's been out over an hour. Might sleep a little longer."

Hank nodded, "Okay. Well, then I can help you 'cook,' I guess." He started rolling up his sleeves. "Where do you need me?"

Erin smiled at him. She wasn't alone. She had her family. Maybe that was all she really needed. Maybe everything else was just unnecessary.

 **Author's Note: Okay, I know some of you absolutely hate me right now, and a few might even stop reading the story. I actually considered rewriting this and having him not have slept with someone else, but I felt like it wasn't being honest with my original idea. As much as I love my readers, I wanted to be true to the story that is spinning in my head. I know a few of you are all about them getting back together, but the characters in my story have some issues. I didn't want to leave some plotlines dangling, and Erin had seen him with another woman. She had to know that there was a chance. They were broken up for months, and he was very angry and bitter at that time. Her rejection had consequences. I think it is realistic that this could happen. Jay was being an ass, and now he has to earn her trust. But….. on a good note, this probably has been the very last relationship complication that they have to figure out how to get over.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Notes: Words cannot express my appreciation for the reviews for the last chapter. I was so nervous posting because I thought people would hate Jay for his actions. Everyone was still so complimentary and seemed to understand where I was going with things. Thank you to all who took the time to comment. You made my weekend. Enjoy this chapter!**

The tinging of Erin's alarm slowly broke through the haze of sleep. Grabbing her phone from its location next to the bed had her cringing at the time. It was so early, but she had to get up and get the turkey in the oven. Hank had been clear about the time frame, and if she wanted it done on time, it meant her waking up in the early hours of the morning. Her eyes felt like they were stuck shut, and she knew it was the results of the tears she had shed multiple times the day before. Crying was exhausting. Erin was determined that today, she would shed no more.

Yesterday, Hank had stuck around for most of the afternoon and evening, which helped to keep her mind somewhat focused, but by late evening, she had been alone and once again lost in her thought. She'd tried to busy herself with some baking, but it was an act of useless distraction.

Even Daniel's bids for her attention had done little to pull her out of her thoughts. His second day on his medications had seemed to help. The drops had seemed to reduce the pressure in his ears, and he'd even started to get his appetite back. Mainly just for cereal, applesauce, and some crackers, but Erin was pleased with his improvement. She'd spent most of the evening trying to entertain him, but everything kept reminding her of the night before. His interest in the hockey came, his playing with his toy cars, even giving him his medicine. Her one evening of bliss. A peek into what a lifetime with Jay might be like.

After Daniel had gone to bed and the disaster of a kitchen cleaned, there had been nothing left for Erin to do but be alone with her thoughts. Erin got that Jay hadn't been with Jenn since he found out that she was taking care of Daniel, but that was only a week ago. Erin didn't need an actual date, but it mattered to her to know that maybe just seven days ago he had slept with someone else. How could she just trust her heart to someone that didn't believe in their future just a week ago?

She got what Jay said. They weren't together and he didn't think they'd ever be together again, but how he could just instantly be back in love with her? If their love was this deep and unwavering thing, then where was it a week ago?

Erin rolled out of bed and quietly padded into the kitchen, peeking into Daniel's crib as she passed him. He looked so blissful in his sleep, and she was glad that the worst of his illness had passed. Once in the kitchen she quickly followed the directions that Hank had written out on some paper, and an hour later, she collapsed with a cup of coffee on the couch. Grabbing her laptop, she pulled up the different recipes she was planning on using for the potatoes, vegetables, a rice side dish, and gravy. She was trying to calculate cook times in coordination with the turkey. She was thankful that Burgess was bringing the yams and Jay was taking care of the stuffing-

Damn.

Erin wasn't quite sure if Jay was even going to show up. Would he really have the nerve to come to her house on a holiday after their fights yesterday? Erin knew the answer to that question. She knew he was going to show up. Jay wasn't the kind of guy to back down or turn his back on an obligation. He would be arriving, stuffing in hand. Erin rolled her eyes, with Will as well. Just what she needed. Double Halstead.

As she sat with her laptop, her eyes flickered to the photos icon at the bottom of her screen. She clicked on it without overanalyzing her action. Within seconds, her life in photos was visible. Erin auto synced her phone and computer, so she knew what she would see if she scrolled back. While the last few weeks were filled with snapshots of Daniel, Erin knew what she was looking for. Soon she found the time frame she wanted. She was looking for summer. Her favorite summer. She searched through candids and obnoxious selfies for the time frame she knew she was looking for. She sucked in a deep breath, when she found them.

Everybody knows when you break up with an ex, you delete them from your life, but Erin could never do it. She'd never gone in and eradicated these most precious memories of hers. Jay always got annoyed at her when she snapped his picture, so half the photos she had of him were with him unaware. If she asked him to pose, he usually made a funny face or turned his head, so Erin had developed the habit of just snapping him unaware or calling his name to catch him off guard. He might have hated the photos, but she loved them. Catching him in his typical Jay moments. Hands in his pockets, watching the Chicago skyline. Digging into a great meal with delight. Quiet photos with him playing on his phone, or just sitting thoughtfully at his desk. She loved those moments when he was oblivious to the camera and she caught him just being himself.

Those photos weren't the exact photos she was looking for. She had been searching for the camping pictures. That last weekend that she remembered of summer that was just impossibly perfect. Finally, she found them. Jay building a fire, laughing at her. He'd grabbed her phone and taken a few of her trying to set up the tent. Indulgently, he'd even allowed a few couple selfies. Erin finally found the one she was looking for. It was taken in the same series as the photo that was still shoved, buried in her desk drawer. Erin had the camera and was smiling broadly. Jay was close by her ear, but his eyes weren't focused on the camera but on her. The look of love on his face would be clear to anyone on the planet. Erin reached out, her finger tracing his jawline. Did he already know at that moment? Was he already thinking about proposing and planning the moment? Tears started to fill her eyes. She envied the Erin in that picture that had no idea that just a few weeks later their relationship would be over.

Suddenly Erin slammed the laptop shut. No. No more indulging in fantasies of what was.

Erin got up and did a quick glance at the clock. It was time for her to wake Daniel. She wanted him dressed and fed, before she started the side dishes. Daniel grinned sleepily at her as she walked into the bedroom. She pulled him from his crib, snuggling him against her neck. "Are you hungry?"

Daniel nodded dramatically, "Fooood. TeeTee, food." Erin smiled. He was talking so much lately. It seemed every few days he added new words.

"Okay, Let's have Auntie get you some food." After changing his diaper, she let him onto the ground to run around the living room while she made him some quick oatmeal. She sliced up some bananas, and was just about to call for Daniel, when she heard a loud thump.

"Daniel?" She called worriedly, looking out into the living room. He was laying on the floor one stuffed animal in his mouth another in his hand. He looked over at her with wonder when she called his name. The noise hadn't come from him. Confused, Erin walked into the living room, searching for the source of the sound. Thump! She heard it again, and she realized it was coming from her hallway. She made her way to the door, and she cautiously opened it.

"Hey," Jay greeted her, his arms awkwardly holding a huge folding table.

"What are you doing?" Erin questioned in confusion. She stumbled to the side as he maneuvered his way through the door.

Jay looked at her oddly, "I'm dropping off the table like Hank asked me to." He noted her confusion. "He told me you were expecting me."

"Wh-when? When did he tell you this?" Erin watched as Jay half-carried, half-dragged the table through her entry way and into the living room.

"Hey, Daniel," he called out to the little boy who was watching curiously as he popped the legs up from the bottom of the table. From his crouching position under the table where he was securing the legs, he looked up at her. "He told me this morning. Well, I guess last night, too, when he called me asked me to come get the table in the morning. He said you wanted me to run it over early."

Daniel, liking Jay's position under the table, toddled over and climbed into his lap. "Jay, Jay, jay." He called out.

Jay smiled down at the boy, "You remember my name now? Nice job, Danny boy." Jay tickled Daniel's belly and was rewarded with a laugh.

Annoyed at their companionship, Erin stalked over to the boy, "Get up, Danny." She reached down and pulled Daniel up from his comfortable position on Jay's lap. Ignoring his protests, she set him down in his high chair and retrieved the breakfast she had been preparing him. By the time she turned back around, Jay had rolled from his position on the floor and was standing in the middle of the room looking at her cautiously.

"Seriously, Erin. Voight told me to come. He said you knew."

Erin just shrugged, not even knowing what to say. She busied herself in the kitchen, putting away a few things.

"Okay, well, there's more stuff in the car, so I guess I'll just be back in a few minutes."

"More!" Erin questioned looking up in surprise.

"Yeah, like a few folding chairs, and some table clothes. Hank and I weren't sure if you had any special holiday ones, so he found a few that I guess belonged to his wife. We dusted them off and they look pretty nice."

Erin just looked at him in open mouthed disbelief. "Did you guys like hang out together or something? Meet for breakfast?"

Jay made a face, "No." Then he shrugged. "I mean there was coffee when I got there, and he was making himself an omelet. I guess he thought it'd be rude to, like, eat in front of me." At Erin's look of wonder, he continued, "But it wasn't like planned or anything."

Erin just continued to stare at him in stunned silence. Her irritation at Hank's interference years ago when they first started dating had been bad enough. Now he was playing matchmaker. She didn't know when Hank suddenly jumped on the "Jay bandwagon," but she was so not okay with his meddling. Erin surmised Hank's sudden interest in her being coupled up with Jay had more to do with losing Justin, then actual approval of Jay.

"Okay, so I don't care if you and Voight are now breakfast buddies. I want you to leave."

Jay just shook his head and ignored her. "I'm gonna go get the chairs. Be right back."

As she watched him leave, Erin stood for a few moments starring at the now empty hallway. Fuck. She did not want Jay here. She was not ready to deal with him and all that came with it. She didn't want to think about other women, forgiveness, their future, or anything else. She just wanted to cook a fucking turkey and eat fucking pie. Erin slammed her hand down on the kitchen table. Daniel, with a mouth full of oatmeal, looked at her outburst curiously. He slammed his hand down to mimic her. Laughing when his bowl hopped up a bit. He repeated the action a few more times until Erin moved over and quietly told him to stop. She busied herself with wiping oatmeal off his chin, planning to ignore Jay's return.

She heard the apartment door open, and saw out of the corner of her eye as he opened four folding chairs and placed them around the table. He stood surveying the room. "Well, we can push it against your table and have one long table, or I guess we can leave them separate and just have two tables.

Erin gave him a sideways glance, "I vote for two tables if it means you are sitting at a different one than me."

Jay clapped his hands together, "One long table it is then." The sound of screeching filled the room and he dragged the pop up table to the end of her current table and readjusted the chairs.

"Okay. I'm going to go get the food."

Food? Erin didn't even bother responding, and kept her attention on Daniel. By the time Jay returned, she was washing out the breakfast dishes, and Daniel had resumed his play under the table, his new favorite spot.

Jay came back, his arms laden with grocery bags and juggling a few serving dishes. He awkwardly placed it all onto the kitchen counter. Erin reluctantly stood next to him, surveying what he had brought.

Unwrapping things he said, "Here's those tablecloths," He handed her a bundle of cloth. "Okay, I've got some cranberry sauce from Voight. Refrigerate that." He strode over the fridge and opened it, looking in the already packed fridge for a spot. Suddenly he froze. He slowly turned back around. Cranberry sauce still in his hand. "You made a pumpkin cheesecake?" He looked at her with wide eyes.

Erin swallowed hard. "It's no big deal." She angrily strode across the small kitchen and took the cranberry sauce and placed it next to the aforementioned pumpkin cheesecake, slamming the refrigerator with a bit more force than was required.

It was no big deal. Yes, she had got the idea from him. He had waxed lyrically about his mother's recipe, and so, maybe, she had spent some time online looking for a recipe that matched the one that Jay had loved as a teenager. Maybe she had imagined his excitement when she surprised him with after dinner. After yesterday, she hadn't wanted to even make it, but she'd already had the ingredients. As she had spent hours last night baking, she had not, repeat, had _not_ been thinking about Jay.

Except she had been, all night. And now he was here, looking at her with awe filled eyes that wanted so much from her. "It's a popular dessert," she mumbled.

Still eyeing her with a smile hoovering over his lips, he returned to unpacking the rest of his bags. Erin watched as he removed celery, onions, bread, and a variety of spices.

"Why did Hank send that?" Erin asked in confusion.

Jay looked at her as if she should know, "It's for my stuffing. Remember?" He popped the celery into the fridge, and pushed the rest of the ingredients into a stack in the middle of the counter.

"It's not cooked? When are you going to cook it?" Erin looked at him in confusion. He wasn't seriously thinking about staying, was he? At that point, Erin noticed that jay was actually dressed a bit nicer than his usually t-shirt and hoodie. He had on dress slacks and a buttoned down shirt. "Wait. You don't think you are staying here and hanging out all day, do you?"

Jay just narrowed his eyes at her. "Yeah. I need to cook. This is where dinner is. Hence, I am cooking here."

"No." Erin countered shaking her head violently. "You can go home. Cook there. And then show up at four o-clock with everyone else. Or just don't come at all." She smirked at him, "Send the stuffing with Will, and we can have a true celebration."

"Erin…" Jay gave her a warning look.

Erin just crossed her arms in annoyance. "Seriously, Jay. You aren't welcome here. I don't get why you think that after yesterday, I'd want you here."

Jay leaned back against the kitchen counter and crossed his own arms to mirror her. "I know you are still mad, and I get that. I'm going to give you space. There's no pressure here. I'm not asking for anything. Let's just…" he looked around the room, eyes focusing on Daniel for a moment then returned back to hers. "Let's just get through the holiday. Have a fun day, then we can deal with it all tomorrow."

Erin let out a bark of astonishment, "You are giving me space? How is showing up at my apartment at nine o'clock in the morning and planning to stay the entire day, giving me space?"

Jay looked at her with imploring eyes, "Come on, Erin…its Thanksgiving." His eyes spoke volumes, and Erin felt her heart being pulled. She knew holidays for Jay had been pretty rough since his mom passed. With years of having no relationship with his father and brother, he'd pretty much been the guy who volunteered to work the holidays, allowing those with family to have the day. Even last year when they were together, he'd worked most of the holiday. They'd had their own private celebration Thanksgiving night, with leftovers from the feast at Hank's house, but he'd spent the day in uniform out on patrol.

Looking at him standing there, his eyes sad and hopeful, she didn't want to give in. She didn't want to make him happy when she was still raw with pain. Yet, she couldn't do it. She couldn't turn him away. "Fine. I don't want to talk though."

Jay lit up. "Not a problem. No talking. I can do that." He gave her a big grin, that had Erin regretting her decision immediately. It was hard to ignore a happy Jay.

Wanting a bit of escape, she picked up Hank's instruction to basting and checking on the turkey. She slapped them onto his chest. "You are on turkey detail and watching Daniel. I'm taking a shower and getting dressed."

She turned to try and make as quick of an exit as she could. Jay might think that this was space, but Erin was feeling about as crowded as can be. She stopped at the entryway to her bedroom and looked back at the kitchen. Jay had stooped under the table to peer at Daniel, who was looking up at him in joy.

"You wanna learn how to make the Super-Secret Halstead Stuffing?" Daniel had nodded in agreement despite having no clue what Jay was saying. The little boy was just happy to have his attention. She lingered for a moment, watching. Jay scooped up the little boy, and propped him up on the counter and proceeded to explain to him what all the ingredients were. Daniel laughing as he shook each spice bottle. Jay even held the onion to his face to smell. Daniel attempted to stick the onion in his mouth, which had Jay cracking up laughing. Even a smile found its way to Erin's face.

Jay noticed her still standing in the corner watching them. His eyes locked on her for a moment. The smile dropping from his face for just a second. "Thank you, Erin."

]

Erin nodded quickly, and then disappeared around the corner to her bedroom. She still stood, just on the other side of the wall, eyes closed, listening to Jay explain the steps of stuffing making. Erin's heart was racing. The pressure on her chest made her feel as if she might just collapse. It couldn't just be this easy. They couldn't just brush everything under the rug and just be them again, could they? She'd said no. He'd been with some else. They'd broken each other's hearts. How could they just step forward and leave the past behind? Was it even possible? Erin thought of Hank's words about forgiveness from yesterday. Beneath the anger, there was still just so much hurt. Would forgiveness really make it heal?

Erin let out a shuddering breath, and pushed off the wall. Well, it wasn't going to happen today. Today she had a dinner to cook and a holiday to host. If Jay wanted to be there that was on him. He could help, but it didn't mean anything. All thoughts about the future and forgiveness were going to set aside. Today was just going to be about turkey and friendship.

 **Author's Note: Hope you enjoy this quick update. I know it wasn't a long chapter, but I wanted to get one more "happier" chapter out this weekend. Review as always.**


	21. Chapter 21

Erin knew she'd regret her thirty-minute shower when her water bill arrived next month, but she lingered longer than she needed in trying to delay the inevitable. An extra twenty dollars on her bill just might be worth it, if it meant she could avoid spending thirty more minutes with Jay. She just had no clue how she should feel right now.

A part of her wanted to do as he asked. Relax, have a good holiday, and then they'd deal with it tomorrow. That felt dishonest, though. How could she make small talk, laugh, and have fun, knowing that she was just pretending? She knew that she just couldn't ignore the fact that she was still confused and hurt. Try as she might, it was impossible for her not to imagine him naked with somebody else. She was driving herself insane imagining that his hands had touched and teased another woman. Had he done the things he did to Erin to the other woman? Their lovemaking had changed so much over the time in which they were together. He had learned her body and knew exactly how to get maximum response. They'd let down their guard and allowed themselves to be vulnerable with each other. Their comfort with each other had led to the best sex of her life. Had he tried his new learned skills with someone else? Was is quick? Had it been slow? Was it at her place or his? Was it in his bed? Erin thumped her head against the shower wall. She had to think of something else.

A quick look at her shriveled hands make Erin decide to finally get out of the shower. She quickly dried off and grabbed her robe, wrapping her hair in a towel. Leaving the bathroom, she quietly moved near the opening from her bedroom to the living room to listen for Jay and Daniel. From the mainly one-sided conversation, Erin was clued into the fact that Jay had turned on the parade and was pointing out the giant balloon floats as they popped up on the screen. Daniel's approval was clear as he clapped and oohed and aahed over each one.

This is when Erin's resolve started break. She wanted nothing more than to walk out there and curl up next to them and spend the rest of the morning cuddled up with her guys enjoying the Thanksgiving tradition. It would be so easy, and it would make her so happy. She wanted that moment so badly. Part of the reason she had been so adamant about hosting Thanksgiving was so that she could be certain that Daniel started these family traditions that Erin wanted for him. It angered her that she was stuck behind the wall in her own house instead of where she wanted to be.

Hearing Daniel's peals of laughter, Erin followed her overwhelming desire to see what was amusing him so much. Erin pulled the towel off her head and she walked into the room, tightening the belt of her robe as she went. "Hey, what's so funny, Daniel?" Jay was sitting on the couch, with Daniel tucked in close next to him. His eyes darted up at her as she entered, but Erin focused her attention on the television.

Daniel babbled loudly pointing at the screen, "Bird! Bird! Bird!" Erin laughed at his excitement, noticing the large red bird from the Angry Bird game. Not wanting to sit too close, Erin leaned against the arm of the couch on the opposite side from Jay and Daniel. Daniel pulled away from his place at Jay's side and crawled along the couch until he was at Erin's side. He pulled himself to a standing position, and pointed enthusiastically at the screen again, "Bird! Bird! Bird!"

"I see it. Bird! Red bird!" She exclaimed, trying to match his excitement. He clapped his hands at her and pulled on her to lift him up. She pulled him up to her lap, and pointed out the next balloon that was floating down the parade route. "Oh, look. Thomas the Tank Engine." Daniel's eyes grew big, and he leaned forward, trying to get closer. Erin let him down, and he quickly made his way to the TV, where he jumped up and down. He had just recently learned about the infamous train, and was clearly amazed to see such a jumbo version.

Erin glanced over at Jay with a smile on her face. She expected to see him grinning over at her, too, both of them laughing at Daniel's antics. Instead, Jay's attention was not on Daniel at all. His eyes were transfixed on her, or more specifically her legs. As she sat on the arm of the couch, she had balanced her bare feet on the end table. Her action had caused her robe to fall a bit, revealing her bare legs. His eyes traced their length, and she saw his chest rise and fall deeply. His lips were parted slightly, and she saw his tongue dart out and wet his lips. His eyes had that hungry look in them, that she knew wasn't for food. He slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. Their gazed locked for a moment, before Erin broke contact, and pointedly pulled her robe up and over her legs. Jay smirked a bit, and Erin swore he mouthed the word "tease."

Ignoring him and the comment, Erin started to get up. "Okay, I'm going to go get dressed. You two okay out here? How's the turkey?" Erin looked expectantly at Jay as she popped up off the couch, flustered a bit as she tightened the robe sash again. He just looked at her with a knowing smile, and threw her a thumbs up. Erin looked at him in bewilderment. "A thumbs up, Jay? Seriously?"

He raised his arms in amused frustration, "You told me I wasn't allowed to talk to you." Leave it to Jay to take a literal interpretation of her comment. Smartass.

Erin smacked her lips in irritation, "You know what I meant. I don't want to talk about what's going on with us. I don't want to think about or talk about any of the…the…you and I stuff."

Jay tried to fight a smile, but he couldn't. He nodded at her knowingly, his eyes full of mirth, and a grin on his face. "Okay, so that's why you are out here naked. So that I won't think or bring up anything about us."

"I'm not-" Erin yanked her robe tight across her chest. "It's my house! I can walk around however I please!" She had not come out here with any intention of enticing Jay or teasing him. She'd just wanted to catch the part of the parade that was entertaining Daniel so much.

Jay still couldn't help the grin, "By _all_ means. Walk around in _whatever_ state of undress you feel comfortable." He leaned back on the couch, letting his smile fly, and his eyes openly roamed her terrycloth encase figure.

Erin narrowed her eyes in frustration at his response. His flirting was annoying her to no end. She did not want this. Sad and guilty Jay, she knew she could push away. She could focus on the fact that they just hurt each other and were bad for each other. But flirty and happy Jay was almost impossible. His laughing eyes and that contagious grin just melted something inside her. That darkness and tightness that she'd carried with her for her entire life, always eased when Jay smiled that megawatt grin of his.

"Go peel some potatoes or something, Jay." Erin glared at him, before walking back into her bedroom annoyed. Her irritation flaring even more when she heard a low chuckle follow her.

Flopping down on the bed, Erin grabbed a pillow and covered her face, letting out a slight scream of frustration. Releasing the pillow, she stared up at her ceiling. This was the reason she didn't want him here to begin with. She could feel her anger at him dissipating. It wasn't like she wanted to hold onto the anger, but she just wasn't sure what it meant if she was no longer angry at him. If she let it all go, made the decision to just move forward, what did they move on to. Did he want them to suddenly get engaged? Was marriage and kids still on his mind? Where they going to move into together or just date? All of those possibilities seemed unreal to Erin. Trying to distract herself, she got busy blow drying her hair and slipping into some jeans and a sweater. She picked out a dress to wear that afternoon, but with more cooking to do, she didn't want to get her nice clothes messed up.

Another half hour had passed before Erin felt like she was ready to go out into the kitchen. Except she still wasn't ready.

"I am such a coward." She muttered to herself. Here she was hiding out in her bedroom while her nephew and …ex… enjoying the holiday in the other room. Plus, she had things to do. Her list of tasks was long, and the morning had not been moving at the pace she wanted. Besides getting the turkey done, she hadn't accomplished anything on her list. She had veggies to clean, a salad to make, a few appetizers to get together, and the prep for her side dishes. Groaning, she realized she needed to set the table and get all the dishes cleaned and ready for serving as well. Not wanting to delay any longer, she gathered her courage, took a deep breath, and moved into the other room.

Erin raised her eyebrows when the first thing she noticed was that the tables had been already set with the tablecloths, dishes, and silverware. A football game was playing on the television, and Jay's attention seemed to be split between it and where he stood at the kitchen counter dicing vegetables. She saw a pile of peeled potatoes sitting next to him. He nodded at her when she approached. She leaned over and saw Daniel once again at his place under the kitchen table. This time, he had his cars with him, and was running them up and down the legs of the chairs. Standing in the kitchen, Erin noted that Jay had completed at least half the things she wanted to do. The cucumbers and tomatoes for her salad were already chopped. Her potatoes were ready for boiling. Table set, dishes ready. Erin didn't know whether to be grateful or irritated at him for taking over. Sighing, she turned back around and escaped to her bedroom once more, snagging her cellphone off the end table as she passed.

Once in her bedroom, she pulled up Kim's contact info and hit call. Only a few seconds went by, before she answered. "Hey, Erin. What's up? Everything still on for today?"

"Come over, now." Erin whispered in a low voice, not wanting Jay to overhear.

Concern was clear in Kim's voice, "What's wrong? Is everything okay."

Realizing that Kim had the wrong idea, Erin corrected herself, "No, everything's fine. I just want you to come over early."

She could hear Kim moving around on the other end of the phone, "Umm, it not even eleven. I wasn't planning on coming for several hours. I haven't even started cooking the yams yet."

"Cook them here," Erin demanded.

"Erin, what's wrong? You sound funny."

Erin groaned, "I need you to be a buffer. Jay's here, and I just don't want to be alone with him right now."

"Ahhh," Kim stated knowingly. "Jays there. You two hook up last night and now things are awkward?" Kim had noticed the change in their relationship this last week. Based on the longing looks both had been throwing each other, Kim figured it was just a matter of time before they were back together.

"No!" Erin almost yelled, before lowering her voice again. "We are not hooking up!" she hissed. "Just get your ass over here. I need you."

"Are you going to tell me what's going on when I get there?" Kim tried to use her arrival as a bargaining chip. She'd always been curious about what had caused the original break up between the two partners. Erin had remained tight lipped about the incident, just claiming that they didn't work out. Kim had known that was bullshit, as she had spent a lot of time with the two detectives and it was clear that they had been and were still desperately in love with each other.

"I don't know. Maybe. If you can get here in the next twenty minutes." Erin replied snappily.

"Erin! I'm not even dressed, and I still have to get my stuff together." Kim complained.

"Well then I guess you better hurry." Erin snapped back. She paused for a second, "Just please come, Kim. I really need someone else here." With Jay being all sorts of helpful and flirty, Erin was just uncertain what she might do if he kept it going.

Dropping her phone to the bed, she leaned back on the bed and resumed her staring at the ceiling. She really needed to get out there, but she just didn't know what to do. Stand side by side cutting vegetables with Jay? That desirable image just had too much appeal to Erin.

….

Erin was actually impressed when Kim showed up at her door a mere twenty-five minutes later. Jay shook his head, and his eyes twinkled at Kim's arrival. Erin didn't care if he thought she was avoiding being alone with him. She needed the buffer.

The tone in the room had definitely changed with Kim's appearance. She went baby crazy over Daniel, and then set about teasing Jay about his cooking. They got into a heated argument about the difference between sweet potatoes and yams, and the mood just generally relaxed a bit.

Erin took that opportunity to sit for a few minutes at the table. She was busying herself prepping some simple appetizers, just crackers and cheese, but instead, she was really watching Jay cook. He was mixing ingredients for a cheesy, broccoli rice dish, that was getting put into the crockpot. He deftly moved around the kitchen, grabbing the knives and other utensils from their spots in her drawers. Even though he hadn't been here in months, he cooked in the kitchen like it was his own.

"You're staring…" Kim softly sang as she sat down next to her at the table.

"I'm not staring. I'm just making sure he is doing things right." Erin countered. She was slightly embarrassed at being caught, but she didn't feel like explaining herself.

"So are you going to tell me the real story about you two?" Kim whispered quietly. Despite Jay's kitchen noises and the football game on, Erin suspected and worried that Jay could hear the conversation.

"Shh…" Erin shook her head. "You were late."

"I was not! Come on, Erin." Kim gave a quick glance at Jay who seemed to be fully engrossed in what he was doing and paying them no attention. "I've been here two hours, and you and Jay have not said a single word to each other." Kim nodded her head at Jay, "He's over there, cooking and whistling like he lives here and doesn't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, you are sitting here like someone stole your puppy."

Erin leveled what she hoped was an even glance at Kim. "It's complicated."

Kim rolled her eyes and groaned, "You've been saying that since summer." She gave Jay a narrow eyed look. "Maybe I'll just ask Jay. Get his side of the story, since my _friend_ is keeping me in the dark."

Erin stood up abruptly, the chair screeching as he pushed it out. "I forgot gravy." She announced to the room.

Jay looked over at her immediately, "You want me to run down to the corner market?" He glanced at the time, "They are probably still open. I think they close at 2." He wiped his hands on a dish towel and glanced at the time again. "I'll probably make it back, but if not, the turkey needs to be checked in twenty minutes." Erin nodded, but didn't say anything more and just watched him as he grabbed his keys and jacket and headed out.

Erin spun around to face Kim, eyes flashing a bit of anger, "I don't like blackmail."

Kim held up her hands innocently, "I was just teasing, Erin." Her face creased in concern. "But seriously, you two confuse the hell out of me. I mean, I can tell you both love each other but you aren't together." She waved her hands around the room, "Then you are here, hosting Thanksgiving together, playing mom and dad to Daniel. Jay's running errands for you like he's your lap dog. But at the same time, you haven't spoken more than a few words to each other the whole day."

Erin just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in a huff. She still really didn't want to bare all with Kim. She liked her private life being private. Even with her friends.

Kim looked at her in exasperation. "Come on, Erin. I'm friends with both of you, but it's hard navigating the land mines of your relationship."

Relenting a bit, Erin sat back at the table. She looked at Kim cautiously. "Do you promise not to tell anyone?" Kim nodded and leaned forward almost excitedly. "Not even Kevin or Sylvie, or anyone?"

"Yes, yes!" Kim pressed her hands together in excitement, but then sat back a little as she saw Erin's face. Sadness had filled Erin's eyes, and Kim realized that the story wasn't going to be juicy but heartbreaking. She reached out and lay her hand on Erin's arm, concern filling her face. "What happen, Erin?" she asked softly.

Erin took a deep breath. "Jay proposed." She stated succinctly.

Kim's eyes widened in shock, "What? When? Last night? Today? Is that why you called me here?"

Erin shook her head quickly, "No. This summer. At the end. That's why we broke up."

Kim's forehead crinkled in confusion. "What happened?" She looked at her incredulously. "You said no?" Erin just looked away from her. "Why?" Kim knew that Erin loved Jay, she couldn't imagine why she wouldn't say yes.

Shrugging her shoulders, Erin didn't really know what to say. "It just didn't feel right at that moment." She thought for a second, and then looked at Kim. "Justin had just died. Voight was being investigated for the murder. Crowley was harassing me. I just felt so overwhelmed and unprepared for the future."

Kim looked at her thoughtfully, "That's why he was so angry for a while."

Erin agreed, "Yeah, he didn't take it well." Erin looked at Kim to explain. "I still wanted us to stay together, but he didn't. It was all or nothing for him. So it was over."

Kim looked at her with sad eyes. "Okay, but that was months ago. What's going on now?"

Erin took a deep breath. "I don't know. Things shifted a week or so ago. Maybe he was ready to forgive, or I was ready to look to the future finally." Erin knew some of it had to do with Daniel being in her life, but she didn't feel comfortable sharing that with Kim.

A smile stretched across Kim's face. "Yeah, we all noticed something going on. Suddenly you two are back to making googly eyes at each other."

Erin's mouth dropped open in indignation. "We do not make googly eyes at each other!"

"Oh you invented the googly eyed look!" At Erin's scowl, Kim just laughed. "Seriously, it's been going on for like four years. Everybody jokes about it."

That news, Erin hated to hear. Her worst fear was always that people at work were gossiping about her.

Kim recaptured her attention. "Well, what's going on today? Cause there seems to be a lot of tension between you." Kim corrected herself. "Well, tension on your part. He seems perfectly content."

Erin pursed her lips. "He's ready to get back together, I think." She eyed Kim with a curious look. "Do you know Officer Jenn Crane?" They were both patrol officers. Erin knew that Kim would have to know who she was. In fact, as soon as she said her name, an uncomfortable look crossed her face, and she looked at Erin with worry. "Okay, I can tell by the look on your face, you know that her and Jay were involved."

Kim nodded. "I'm not in her loop, but I've heard the rumors. Her and her friend Lauren went out with Jay and Adam." Kim's lips tightened. "Obviously Lauren and Jenn don't talk to me, but others do. They enjoy rubbing in the fact that Lauren's with Adam." She gave Erin a sideways glance, "A lot of women in the department have liked Jay over the years, but he was always off the market."

She hated hearing that. Of course, she wasn't surprised by the news. Jay was an attractive man, friendly, smart, and easy to be around. She'd be more surprised to hear that there weren't girls crushing on him all over the place.

"I know we weren't together, but it hurt when I found out he'd been with someone else."

Kim tilted her head understandingly, "Oh, like 'been with' been with someone else." Erin nodded sadly, but Kim just shrugged. "Wasn't that before though? Like not, when you guys reconnected or hooked up or whatever?"

"Well, yeah, but still." Erin replied. "It was just a few weeks ago!"

Kim shrugged, "Yeah, but…it's Jay, Erin. You know how he feels about you."

Suddenly they heard heavy footsteps in the hall, and the door swung open. Jay strode in, smiling widely. "Gravy!" He held up two cans. "I know it's store-bought and not homemade, but I don't think anyone will complain." He glanced at the cans thoughtfully for a moment. "I might be able to fancy them up a bit. "He gave the two women a quick grin, before getting back to work in the kitchen. He gathered the temperature gauge and baster and was preparing to check on his turkey.

Erin saw Kim give her a knowing look. Yeah, she knew exactly how Jay felt about her. She really didn't doubt it. Had she ever really? Maybe it wasn't his feeling for her that she didn't trust. What had really caused her to hesitate before? That insecurity she had. That deep seated worry, that she truly wasn't enough for him. Erin always worried that one day, Jay was going to realize that she just wasn't worth the trouble. Maybe all this anger she had at him really _was_ just her finding another excuse to push Jay away.

….

Kim popped her head around the corner into the bedroom where Erin was slipping on her dress. "Jay wants you to tell him whether the mashed potatoes are supposed to have sour cream, cream cheese, or both."

Erin twisted to zip her dress up, and gave Kim a furrowed brow glance. "Ummm, I forget which one I had chosen. Tell him the recipe's tabbed on my computer."

Kim just turned her head and yelled into the other room, "Check Erin's computer. She says she tabbed the recipe." Kim stepped completely into the bedroom and moved to help Erin zip up the dress. "This dress is amazing!"

"Thanks," Erin murmured, appreciating the help with the awkward zipper. She smoothed the fabric down over her hips. Her dress was a dark red, and she'd chosen in with the fall season in mind. It had a high neck, but left her arms bare. It fell discreetly below her knees, but it's clingy fit, showed off all her curves. She slipped into her black heels and gave a quick glance in the mirror.

"You look hot," Kim announced. "He's gonna be thinking about taking that dress off you all night."

"Kim!" Erin admonished. "I am not wearing this for Jay." She felt a blush stain her cheeks. Yes, at one point, she might have bought the dress with the look on Jay's face in mind, but she liked the dress. She was just wearing it because she knew she looked good in it, and she wanted to look good for the holidays.

Kim made a face, "Then who are you wearing it for?"

Erin pursed her lips, she gestured to Kim's own dress which was low cut and showed off quite a bit of skin. "Who are you wearing that for?"

Kim looked at her disbelief, "For my ex-boyfriend. He needs to remember that he was an idiot for letting me go."

Erin threw up her hands, "No. We are not dressing up for men. We are dressing up because we are women and we like to look good. It has nothing to do with our exes." Erin gave Kim a sad look, "Seriously, what is wrong with us that we are both spending the holiday with our exes?"

Kim just laughed. Suddenly they heard Jay's voice from the entryway, "Everybody dressed?"

"Yes," Kim answered.

Jay popped his head around the corner, "I have a question for Erin about this recipe. Kim, can you go watch the potatoes that are boiling? I don't want Daniel in their alone."

Kim gave a quick glance to Erin for approval, and Erin gave a tight lipped nod. Once Kim left, Jay entered the room completely, carrying her laptop in his hands. Erin stood nervously. Despite what she had said to Kim, she was looking forward to seeing Jay's reaction to the dress. Instead, his gaze was firmly attached to the computer. He glanced up at her briefly, doing a quick double take, before shaking it off and looking back at the screen. He dropped it to the bed, and spun it around for Erin to look at.

"Don't want to think about us, huh?" Jay sat down next to the computer, leaning over a bit to eyeball the screen, before directing his gaze pointedly at Erin.

Erin closed her eyes in frustration. Her trip down memory lane from this morning was there in vivid color on her laptop. That amazing picture. She expected to see a smirk or knowing look on Jay's face when she opened her eyes, instead his face was serious and his eyes solemn. "I think about that trip all the time, too." He told her.

Erin looked at him quietly, "It was a great trip." She allowed her eyes to drift to the picture.

Jay looked back at the image on the computer. "I'd never been happier in my life. That's when I knew."

Erin took a steadying breath. He had known. Now she didn't know if she could ever look at the picture again. Knowing what he was thinking about in that moment, made the photograph all the more painful to look at. Erin walked quickly over and slowly closed her laptop. She met his eyes. "It seems like it was so long ago."

He lifted his eyes up to her, where she stood next to him by the bed. His eyes so clear and open. "That's funny. I was thinking that if felt like it was yesterday."

Erin just stared down at him. One step. That would all it would take. She could take one step to him, wrap her arms around him, and just breath. Her arms twitched at her sides. She could feel herself swaying forward a bit.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash from the other room, followed by the sound of breaking glass. They heard a curse from Kim, and immediate cries from Daniel. Both sprinted for the living room, getting there at the same time. Daniel was on the floor, part of the tablecloth covering him. A broken plate and silverware around him. Erin raced to grab him, but Jay was faster, and swept him up into his arms, brushing chunks of the broken plate of his pants.

Kim was almost in tears, "The potatoes were boiling over, and I just walked into the kitchen. He was just there, under the table, where he'd been playing." She sniffed, tears in her eyes, "Is he okay?"

Erin looked over him carefully, eyes full of concern, while Jay held him, trying to sooth him. "Did it fall on his head?" She asked. Daniel's eyes were full of tears and he let his displeasure be known by ear splitting screams.

Kim shook her head, "I don't think so. Maybe some silverware hit him. I think he pulled down the edge of the tablecloth, and the dishes just came tumbling down."

Jay held Daniel close against his chest, rocking him gently, with Erin patting Daniel's back. His sobs started to pass, and finally it was just a sniffle.

Erin said, "It's okay, Kim. It was just an accident. He looks fine. I think he was just startled." Kim still was wringing her hands in worry. "He's been under there all day. It could have happened to anyone."

Kim nodded, but still wasn't convinced. She dropped to her knees and started picking up the larger chunks of the broken plate. "Where's your dust pan and broom, Erin. I'll pick this all up."

Erin reluctantly left Daniel's side. She pulled open her hall closet and got out the broom and pan, passing them to Kim. She also pulled out her small vacuum as well. Both women set to work cleaning the floor and setting the table to right. Erin kept one eye on Jay and Daniel the whole time. Jay held Daniel tight against his chest, even as monitored the dishes on the stove top. His anxious eyes kept meeting hers' every time she looked over. Within minutes the mess was gone and everything was back to where it belonged.

Erin gave Kim a big a hug, as her friend was still clearly stressed over the incident, "It's okay. He's okay. Accidents happen."

Kim nodded teary eyed, "I just looked away for a moment. I so sorry."

"It's okay." Erin reassured her.

Erin walked over to Jay, and reached for Daniel. She could see that he was hesitant to release him. Erin was surprised at how quickly the two had bonded. Daniel had his head tucked in tight under Jay's chin. His hands were fisted in his shirt. Erin appreciated their relationship, but she really need to hold her boy right then. Jay noted the emotion in her eyes, and slowly eased Daniel into her arms. Daniel whined a bit about being moved from his comforting embrace, but still wrapped his arms around Erin's neck.

"He's good." Jay told her.

Erin nodded, but didn't speak. She just met Jay's eyes over Daniel's head. She let out a relieved breath. It hadn't been that big of deal. A broken plate and just a scared little boy. Erin couldn't help but acknowledge how well they had come together. It was just like their jobs. They moved in sync, immediately knowing what the other needed. Acting and reacting on their instincts.

Jay shook his head slightly at her. He released his own pent up breath. Erin shook her head back, nuzzling Daniel's mop of hair. Jay reached out and patted him softly on the back. "Shit. That scared me to death." He muttered.

"Yeah, me, too." Erin agreed. She looked down at Daniel, pulling back a bit to look at his face. "You worried me, little man."

Kim came up behind them, "Please do not tell his mom I almost gave him a concussion. Olive will probably never trust me around her baby again."

Erin and Jay exchanged careful glances. Erin wanted to change the subject. "I'm going to go and change his clothes. Just in case he got some bits of glass somewhere on him. You two okay in here?"

Jay nodded glancing at the clock. "Yeah, turkey is on schedule. Checking it in ten minutes. Then it will be ready to come out to rest. Other dishes are ready to go in. Salads ready. Veggies are prepped." He dropped a quick look at the food on the stove top. "I think we are good. People will probably be here soon."

Erin gave him a grateful smile, and then headed to the bedroom. At the door, she glanced back over at him. Jay stood still in the kitchen, eyes still fixed on her. Even across the room, she could see that Jay's eyes were looking at her with intensity. Kim stepped up and asked him a question, and he broke the contact, turning to gesture to one of the dishes. Erin used the moment to slip away into the bedroom.

Erin placed Daniel on the bed, as she pulled out some fresh clothes for him. Looking at the boy, his normal cheerful demeanor starting to reappear. "You scared me, Danny. Me and Jay."

Daniel smiled up at her, "Jay, Jay, Jay." He babbled.

Erin laughed, "Yep. Jay, Jay, Jay. What am I going to do about Jay?"

 **Author's Note: Thank you for your continued reading and especially those who review. I hadn't planned on finishing a chapter until this weekend, but…needed something to up my spirits. Hope you enjoy this next part of Thanksgiving.**


	22. Chapter 22

An hour later, and Erin's living room looked like a scene from a holiday commercial. Everyone sat around the dining room table that was laden with a variety of savory, festive dishes. In the center a perfectly cooked turkey sat ready to be enjoyed by her guests. Erin sat at one end of the table, and Hank had naturally ended up at the other end. Instinctively, as their boss, everyone's gaze had turned to him once they were all settled around the table.

He cleared his throat before speaking, "This year has been a difficult one for most of us. It's been a year of loss and difficult obstacles that we've all had to overcome. Our city and nation have been in turmoil and at times it's been hard to find that silver lining." His gaze swept the table, spending a moment looking at each person seated. His gaze skimmed over Alvin, "Some of you have been by my side from the beginning. While others have only been on my team for a few years." His eyes rested on Will Halstead, "and then there's Will, who I first thought was a serial killer." Everyone chuckled, with Will nodding at Voight with a smile. "But everyone here is friend or family, and for most of us friendship is family." He raised his glass. "So this year, I am thankful to those at this table for being my family."

Everyone toasted, and the thankful praises continued around the table. Everyone gave a few heart-filled words, some humorous and some poignant, until finally it was Erin's turn.

Her smile was bright as she surveyed the people at the table, "Thank you everyone for coming here tonight. When I decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner, I don't even know if I thought anyone would come, but it means the world to me that so many of you think of me as family." She stared across the table at Daniel, where he sat in his high chair next to Hank and Jay, and gave the guys a sad smile. "Some families you are born into, but the ones that you choose, or maybe the ones that choose you, sometimes can be the most precious gift in the world." Her eyes drifted towards Jay, who was staring softly at her, his eyes bright with what could only be described as love. She opened her mouth to say something. She wanted to thank him for everything he had done that day. The dinner, the cooking, helping with Daniel. The words were on the tip of her tongue, yet she just couldn't figure out how to start. Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment as she tried to think of the words that could express her gratitude, but not reveal too much to her co-workers. "I, ah,-"

Ruzek interrupted, "I am thankful of the job that Jay did on this turkey, and I am starving, so let's wrap up all this feel good stuff and eat!"

Everyone chuckled at his comment, except Erin and Jay. He just looked at her with those all-knowing eyes, and she knew that he was aware of her words left unsaid. As everyone started passing the dishes around the table, Erin mouthed the words she hadn't said aloud, "Thank you."

The small smile that formed on his lips, made her heart accelerate just a bit. He gave her a small nod, and she could tell he appreciated the comment, even if she hadn't shared it with the group. Erin knew that they had taken a small step forward today. Her anger was definitely gone, but there was still a lot of confusion in her heart.

Dinner was a boisterous affair with wine flowing freely and conversation upbeat and full of humor. Adam tended to dominate the conversation, and with Sylvie, Michelle, and Will there, he had a fresh audience for his favorite stories.

"So then Kevin loses the guy in the crowd and Jay and I have to hunt him down in the middle of a concert." He glances at Jay, "Do you remember that? I think you tackled the guy from some rigging."

Jay laughed, "Yeah, I do remember it, but a little differently. Weren't you tailing the guy, not Kevin?"

Adam shook his head, "No, it was Kevin. I'm sure."

Alvin lifted his attention from his dinner plate, "I notice that all your stories are blamed on Kevin tonight."

Shrugging, Adam shook his head, "Hey, that's what a guy gets for skipping out on Intelligence Thanksgiving."

Kim jumped in to defend her friend, "Hey, his family is in Chicago." Atwater of course was spending the holiday with his little brother and sister as well as the rest of his family. Adam just chuckled and continued with another tale.

Conversation continued to flow as everyone ate and enjoyed the dinner. Erin's eyes kept drifting to where Jay sat. He was smiling all throughout dinner, but he was still pretty quiet for Jay. He allowed Adam and Will to fill the conversation with their stories. Both were natural storytellers, and usually Jay joined in with his sarcasm and humor. Tonight though, he allowed the other guys to tell the stories and only occasionally added a comment or two. Since Daniel was seated in between Jay and Hank, his attention instead seemed to pass back and forth between enjoying Daniel's antics with his dinner and looking down the table to watch Erin thoughtfully.

Erin wasn't the only one taking note of Jay's attention. Kim and Hank both seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time watching Jay and Erin than she felt was necessary. Hank seemed to be watching with curiosity at Jay's interest in Daniel, or more correctly Daniel's interest in Jay. "Jay, Jay, Jay," seemed to be one of Daniel's favorite new phrases. Daniel was constantly trying to capture his attention, and Jay seemed pleased to give it to him. Hank seemed to be quite interested in their interactions and Erin had to admit the scene was pretty heart-warming. Hank's smile was bittersweet. If he was thinking the same things that Erin was, then he was thinking about Justin. It was sad knowing that Daniel was going to grow up without a father. Erin appreciated the effort that Jay was making towards being a male role model for Daniel. He would probably need a lot of those with growing up without a dad.

Kim's attention wasn't so much on Daniel as on Jay. It seemed every time Erin and Jay met eyes, she'd see that Kim was watching with interest. She kept throwing raised eyed knowing glances at Erin. Erin was completely regretting telling her about the proposal and everything else. She knew it was going to be hard to keep her friend from wanting to gossip about her and Jay. Erin just imagined hours of teasing coming her way. The thing was, Erin didn't really know what to say about the relationship. Where would they go after today?

….

It had been a great night. After dinner, everyone had hung around the living room for quite a while, just talking and having a relaxing time. Hank had been the first one to duck out. While he enjoyed spending time with his team under circumstances that weren't work related, he was aware that he was their boss. Nobody really relaxed when their boss was in the room. Olinskly and Michelle left a few minutes later as well. Erin had been able to put Daniel to sleep in the bedroom, and then joined everyone else for drinks and dessert. Will had bought the makings for Irish coffee and played bartender for bit while everyone indulged in the selection of desserts. Will and Jay had shown abundant enthusiasm for Erin's homemade pumpkin cheesecake, and Erin had been inwardly delighted that she had made it for the Halstead brothers.

It was getting close to ten when Dawson and Sylvie started making noises about leaving. From the sly looks they kept passing back and forth, Erin suspected their night might just be beginning. Erin had every intention of giving her a call in the morning to harass her about this latest development. After all the teasing Erin had received the last few years about her relationships, she was glad to finally have some ammunition for some payback. Once Dawson and Sylvie started getting their jackets on, Kim, Adam, and Will started to head for the door, too. Erin walked everyone to the door, fully aware that Jay lingered alone in the kitchen.

Kim gave Erin a big hug at the door, "Thank you again for having us all over. When my mom decided to visit her sister in Colorado for Thanksgiving, I was worried about not having anywhere to go since I only had today off. Today was perfect though. It felt like family still."

Erin hugged her back tightly, "Cause we all are family."

Kim gave her an encouraging smile as she slipped her coat on. She leaned close, her voice low. "Talk to him." Her eyes almost were pleading, "Be nice, too. It's still Thanksgiving."

Erin gave her a slight nod. She was going to try. She didn't know what she was going to say, but Jay basically pulled off Thanksgiving single handedly. She felt she owed him that much. Not to mention, his obvious care for Daniel. When he'd held Daniel in his arms after the accident, it was clear Jay's concern for him was just as strong as her own. Because Daniel mattered to Erin, he mattered to Jay. Erin knew he was all in, and she had to think about what that meant. It's not that she didn't care about what had happened, but maybe she was ready to put it behind them. Calling out her final goodbyes, she shut the door behind her last guests. Besides Jay that is.

Making her way back into the living room, she looked over at Jay who was rinsing dishes at the sink. He gave her a quick glance before continuing with his chore.

Erin leaned against the kitchen counter, watching him wash and dry one of the serving platters. "Jay, you don't need to do that."

He shrugged but continued drying, "I'm just helping with dishes." He gave a quick glance to the pile near the sink. "There's still quite a mess."

"I know, but I can do them. You cooked the turkey and basically everything else. You shouldn't have to clean up, too." Erin didn't mean for her voice to have a tone of irritation, but it did. It wasn't irritation at him, however, but at herself. She felt guilty that he had felt obligated into cooking the entire holiday meal.

Jay tossed the dish towel onto the edge of the sink and walked over to his side of the kitchen bar. He leaned against it as well. They stood there for a moment, both eyeing the other. "I was just trying to help you out today."

She could tell by the tone in his voice, that his feelings were hurt. She felt bad immediately, "I appreciated it. I did." She gave him a light smile, "Maybe not at the beginning, but it was helpful that you were here. I'm not sure I would have gotten it all done by myself. So, thank you."

Jay gave a quick look over his shoulder at the pile of dishes that still needed to be cleaned, "Well, maybe after we finish cleaning, we can talk for a bit." She saw a dash of hope in his eyes, and she wavered, but she knew she was just emotionally drained. Bringing everything up, sharing all the thoughts that had been occupying her mind for the last two days, would be too much. She didn't think she was in the right frame of mind for that conversation.

Erin sighed, and she saw Jay note her response. Disappoint flared on his face. "It's just been a long day, Jay. I'm exhausted. I don't think I'm up for it."

He looked at her for another moment, before dipping his head a bit. Erin could tell he was disheartened. He let out a deep breath. "Okay, then. I guess I'll just go." Jay moved out of the kitchen and headed toward the door. He pulled his coat off the rack and started to pull on his jacket.

Erin knew she couldn't just let him walk away. She quickly followed him, and placed her hands on his arms. "Wait, Jay. I…" she paused for a moment, looking up into his eyes. She didn't know how to express what she wanted to say. She wanted to let him know she wasn't mad anymore, but some hurt still lingered. She wanted him to know that she still had doubts, but never doubted his love. There was so much she wanted to say, yet no words formed. Instead, she just pushed forward and wrapped her arms around him tightly. He stood still, possibly stunned, for a few seconds before reciprocating the hug. Erin felt him bury his face in her hair and breathe deeply. His hands were firm on her back, and Erin relaxed in his embrace. It embarrassed her a bit how safe she always felt when he held her in his arms. She allowed the moment to continue for almost a minute, both seemed to be just content in the contact. Then Jay's hand slowly started to slide down her back, following the curve of her spine. She could feel his warm breath against her ear, and he pulled back just a bit, to allow his lips to graze its sensitive shell.

"I didn't say anything earlier, but you look amazing in this dress." His whispered words and the heat of his mouth sent shivers down her spine.

Erin started to pull back, "Thanks, but-"

"Wait, Erin. Just wait." Erin leaned back a bit, so she could look up at him. His eyes weren't filled with the desire she thought she would see, but they were penetrating. "We don't have to talk, but can you just listen to me for a minute." He took a deep breath. "I've been thinking about everything all last night and all day today, and I just need to tell you what I'm feeling. You don't have to say anything. Just listen."

His eyes were pleading, borderline desperate, and truthfully, getting into Jay's head on the situation just might give Erin the perspective she needed. She bit her lip lightly and nodded. "Okay," she softly responded.

"Okay," Jay nodded. He let out a huge breath of surprise, as if he hadn't thought she'd agree to listen. "Okay." He repeated a light smile crossed his lips.

One of his hands moved from its resting place on her back to gently stoke her hair. Lightly caressing the curling waves before tucking one stray lock behind her ear. He allowed the back of his hand to graze her cheek before finally coming to rest on the back of her neck. His gentle touch sent her heart racing. Jay's touch always had.

"I've lived my life without you, Erin. I now know that it's not something I want. I want you in my life." His grip on her neck tightened slightly. "I want to be with you. Forever, if you'll have me, but just for now if that's all you want."

Erin sucked in a shaky breath at the word forever. It was such a foreign idea to her. To decide on forever with such a long future ahead of them. Yet, it didn't scare her as much as it might have a few months ago. She'd lived life without Jay, too, and it hadn't been the life she'd wanted.

His hand once again was on the move, brushing her cheek and his thumb lightly stroking her lower lip. It trembled slightly, and Erin knew that it was taking a lot for Jay to hold back his emotions as well. His voice was low and rough sounding, "If all you want is friendship, I will take that. I'll be your friend, your best friend. I will show you that you can trust me and that I will never hurt you again. I'll wait for you. Forever if I have to. I'm sorry I didn't before, but this time I know what I'm waiting for, and I know it's worth it."

Erin just looked up at him wide-eyed, relieved he had asked her just to listen because she knew that if she even tried to speak, she would probably be an incoherent mess of emotions and tears. Even still, she could feel that her eyes were watery and that familiar sting of tears burned her eyes.

Jay's eyes scanned her face, noting the tears. Both hands reached up to gently cup her cheeks. His head dipped down and his lips touched hers in the sweetest and lightest kiss. The pressure of his lips, the heat of his mouth, electrifying like the strike of lightning. The moment was all too brief, and he had pulled back before Erin could even process the kiss or his words. "Whenever and forever, Erin. I am yours."

Releasing her, he took a step back, his hand reaching for the door knob. Erin still standing, stunned, just a step away. "When you are ready to talk, I'm there." His deep eyes gave her one more soul searching look, before he slipped out the door and quietly shut it behind him.

Erin didn't know how long she even stood there. One hand resting on her lips, the other on her heart. The two parts of her body that Jay easily possessed. Only her brain still hesitated. Despite his declaration, there was still a lot they needed to discuss. A part of her knew their reunion was inevitable, but she appreciated that Jay was willing to give her the time and space she needed. The idea of reuniting with Jay, sent her heart racing again. A smile found its way to her face. They were going to figure out a way to make it work. She suddenly just knew it. Somehow, someway, they were going to find the common ground they needed to rebuild their relationship.

Erin ran her fingers through her hair as she walked back into the kitchen. She was now energized and actually thought for just a second about racing after him. If only Daniel wasn't fast asleep in her bedroom. Erin regretted that she hadn't taken Hank up on his offer to take him for the night. There was still tomorrow though. Erin knew that Jay was off tomorrow as well. She already started thinking about his reaction, when she might show up. Maybe she'd bring him breakfast. He'd surprised her with his early morning arrival today, maybe she'd reciprocate tomorrow. Her and Daniel could surprise him with coffee and donuts. Maybe they'd spend the morning at the park. If they felt brave, they could hit a few local stores and check out the sales.

Erin cheerily started finishing up the dishes that Jay had almost completed earlier. She felt so ridiculous because she couldn't keep the smile off her lips. Suddenly, her phone that sat on the table rang. A huge grin lit up her face. It seemed she wasn't the only one who just couldn't wait to begin the next step of their relationship. Grabbing the phone, she didn't even glance at the name, and just pressed the green answer button.

"Hello," she cheerfully answered.

There was a long silent pause. Erin pulled back and looked at the number. It said 'unknown.'

"Hello?" She repeated to the silence, confusion in her voice.

"Erin, it's Olive."

 **Author's Note: I don't want to alarm anyone, but the end is coming near for this story. I've got maybe four chapters left. I know everyone has wanted Jay and Erin to reunite, but since that moment is coming soon, that also means the end of the story is coming soon. I'll need some story ideas by the end of the month I think. While I've enjoyed Season 4, it hasn't sparked any story ideas for me.**

 **Enjoy reading, and please review!**


	23. Chapter 23

Erin stood outside Jay's door, knocking rapidly, Daniel clutched tightly in her arms. "Jay!" she called out frantically. "Jay!"

When the door finally swung open, she pushed herself inside, not even stopping at his surprised greeting, "Erin, What are you-"

"You were right, Jay. We should have done something earlier. I don't know if it is too late now. I don't even know who to go to. Will they even listen? It's been over a month! They might hold it against us that we waited this long." Erin's panicked voice was agitating Daniel, who she clung tightly in her arms. He started letting out loud whines as he was begging to be either put down or to be allowed to go to Jay, who was standing just a few feet away by the door.

Jay quickly closed the door and followed Erin into the room, "Calm down. Explain to be what you are talking about." He'd changed out of his Thanksgiving dress attire and was in sweats and a t-shirt. A half-drunk beer in his hand and on the television a sports recap show was playing. He'd clearly come home and settled in to relax for the rest of the night. He certainly hadn't been expecting Erin.

She began to pace around the small living room, ignoring Daniel's squirming and whines that were close to becoming wails. "You warned me last week about this. I just didn't think it would happen." She stopped abruptly and looked up at Jay with fear-filled eyes. "She's going to take him and run." Erin frantically looked around the apartment, as if she, too, were thinking about running.

"Okay, Erin. Just calm down for a second. Come here," he reached her, gently trying to pull an upset Daniel from her arms.

"No!" She snapped. "I want to hold him." She wrapped her arms tighter around his body, even as he continued to resist. Like most children, Daniel was in tune to the emotions of the people around them. Her agitation and fear was causing him to get upset as well. Erin just didn't want to let him go. She was afraid of losing him.

Jay looked at her cautiously, "I am not going to take him away. I just want you to relax. You are scaring him….and me." Jay approached her as you might a frightened animal. Giving up on taking Daniel from her, he lay his hand on her shoulder, and gently guided her toward the couch. "How about we sit down, and you explain to me what is going on."

Erin looked at Jay's calm demeanor, and tried take a few deep breaths. His peaceful presence already having its effect on her. Slowly she lowered herself onto the couch, and reluctantly released Daniel to stand next to her. Immediately Daniel took a few steps away from Erin, to balance himself against the end table. He knocked down a pile of magazines Jay had sitting there and proceeded to start playing with the glossy papers.

"No, Danny," she called out, leaning forward to try and take them away.

"Leave it, Erin." Jay corrected her. "It's no big deal. He can play with them while we talk. I don't exactly have any toys for him here." His hand was on her shoulder, trying to get her to lean back and relax on the couch. He stroked her back as he had Daniel earlier that day. Willing his soothing movements to calm her enough to actually speak coherently and explain what had happened. "They are just old magazines. Trust me."

Erin, finally reassured that Daniel wasn't going to cause any sort of destruction, turned to look at Jay. She took a steadying breath, and she finally voiced her greatest fear. "Olive. I'm afraid she's going to take him and disappear."

Looking at the outright fear that Jay saw on her face, he learned forward and wrapped her up in his arms. He could feel her trembling slightly, and while he didn't yet know exactly what had happened, he could tell she was shaken to the core. Once again, as soon as Erin felt Jay's strong arms around her, the panic that she had been dealing with started to ease a bit. It bothered her that she needed him so much. It was part of why she fought letting him care for her. She saw it as a weakness. At this moment, she didn't care. She needed his strength.

After a few minutes, when Jay could tell that she had started to calm down, he slowly pulled away from her. He looked down at her reassuringly, "Okay. Start at the beginning and explain what happened. I was just at your place a half hour ago. What changed?"

Erin looked up at his concerned blue eyes, "Olive called me. She wants Daniel."

Jay nodded slowly as understanding dawned on him, "Okay. What's that mean? She wants to see him or she wants to take him?" Irritation filled his voice, "Where has she been for the last month?"

Erin took a steadying breath. "She didn't exactly say."

"Well, what did she say?" Jay prodded, needing more information.

Giving a glance at Daniel, to make sure he was still occupied, she thought about the conversation she had just finished having with Olive. She'd been too shocked to hear from her that she hadn't asked all the questions that she now had. Mostly she'd just listened in stunned silence.

"She said she's been having a hard time and been staying with friends." She shook her head at that, and truly she wouldn't be surprised if Olive had been hiding out with some of the people that Hank and her had looked into. Since it wasn't a case, they'd had limited resources. With no leads, it wasn't like they could sit surveillance on all of Olive's acquaintances. Erin wondered how close they had been to her earlier this month.

"I don't know. She claims she has hit rock bottom and is planning on going into rehab after the holiday. Apparently she had a breakdown or breakthrough today after missing the holiday with him. Says she wants to get her life back together for Daniel. She says she wants to be a good mom."

Looking at Daniel, he smacked his lips together in anger, "About damn time!"

"She says she needs to see him before she goes into recovery. Doesn't think she can handle it with missing him so much." Erin started shaking a bit at the thought of the conversation they'd had. She leaned into Jay, "I think she was high when I was talking to her. She seemed frantic and upset. I didn't know what to say. I don't know what to do."

Jay wrapped his arm around her, tucking her in tight next to him. "So she just wants to see him? That's not that big of deal, right?"

Erin pulled back and sat sideways to look at Jay in the eye. "What if she sees him, grabs him, and runs. What can I do? She's his mom! We might never see him again." Erin started to get up.

Grabbing her by the shoulders to prevent her from leaving, Jay looked at her seriously. He gently rubbed her shoulders trying anything to keep her from spiraling. His voice was calm and even toned. "So we make it a clean meet. Have it at Voight's. Do you really think she'd take him from Voight's home? Tell her she has to come alone, or better yet, we will pick her up from somewhere and take her to the meet."

Erin just shook her head, still worried about losing Daniel. "I know he's hers, but I am just so afraid for him. I don't want him in that life, Jay. That was the life I was born into." Erin knew that she'd only shared bits and pieces of her early life with Jay. It was the part of her that she didn't like sharing with anyone, even Jay. Her earliest memories involved her mom getting high or acting ridiculous while drunk. Erin was probably seven years old before she realized that not everybody's mom did stuff like that. Her entire childhood was spent avoiding or covering for her mom. Falling into that lifestyle herself had been natural. It broke her heart, that there was even a chance that the precious baby across from her might be exposed to that. "I can't let that happen, Jay. I have to keep him from her."

"We are not going to let that happen to him. We can protect him, and if she gets her life together, then she can restart her life with him…with supervision." Jay tried to reason with Erin. "What did Voight say?"

Erin looked at him sharply, then looked away. "I haven't told him yet." She noted the surprised look on Jay's face. His eyes widening ever so slightly. She knew he was probably reading something into the fact that she'd come here instead of to Voight. "It's almost midnight, and I didn't want to get shot showing up at his place unexpected." A slight smile formed on Jay face, despite her protests. "I wanted to be somewhere that she wouldn't be able to find me. If she was high, there's no telling what she might do in that state. What if she showed up with friends at my door step?"

At that comment, a hint of sadness crossed his face. "Well, she's never been here, so that's good. You should stay here for a while."

A bit of doubt filled Erin's face, "No, I was probably overreacting, thinking she might show up at my place. I mean she could have done that anytime over the last month."

Jay shook his head, looking over at Daniel who had gotten bored with the magazines and was now playing with the coasters that sat on the end table. "No, I think you are right. Stay here tonight. If you want to go back tomorrow, I'll come with you."

Erin knew she didn't need Jay's protection. She could stand up for herself, but she did appreciate the offer. She really didn't think Olive would ever do anything to hurt her, but if she felt trapped and had friends who were trouble, Erin knew from experience that things could spiral out of control. Daniel's safety was most important.

"She left me a number. She wants me to call her in the morning to set up a time to meet."

Jay was surprised, "You agreed to a meet?"

Erin shook her head, "No, I just was so shocked that I just took the number and told her I'd call her back and decide." She looked up at Jay apologetically, "I really do need to talk to Hank about all this. It is his grandson after all." A sad look crossed her face, "I'm not really anybody to him."

His voice was firm as he looked at her sternly, "Don't say that. You love that little boy with your whole heart. You sacrificed everything this last month for him. You might not be blood, but he is your family. That matters."

A few tears fell from the corners of Erin's eyes at Jay's words. She wanted to believe that, but it was so hard. Her blood family had never been there for her, and her surrogate family was the only true family she'd ever had. As much as she'd always appreciated them and been willing to do anything to help Hank, Justin, and now Daniel, the truth was she wasn't their family. Would she ever have anyone who was really unconditionally _her_ family? The love in Jay's eyes and the firm hold he had on her told her what she'd maybe always known. He was her family, her home.

"Come on," Jay suddenly stood. "Let's get you two into bed. It's been a long day, and you both look exhausted." He took her hands and pulled her from the couch. His eyes dropped over her body, still dressed in her dress from earlier. "You look amazing, but that isn't exactly sleep attire. You can grab one of my shirts if you want. You know where they are." Erin looked down at herself. She'd been so panicked, she had just grabbed a jacket, Daniel, and the diaper bag before running out of the apartment.

"I've my go-bag in the car. I can grab it." Erin muttered.

"Just get it in the morning," Jay replied. "It's late."

Erin stood in the center of Jay's living room as she watched him move around the room. He opened the hall closet and grabbed a blanket and pillow off the top shelf and threw them onto the couch. Erin could tell he was making the couch into a bed. Erin didn't want to kick him out of his bed. She didn't want to be alone at all. She'd come here because Jay was the person she needed. Yeah, she didn't relish waking Hank in the middle of the night, but that wasn't the whole truth. As soon as her world started to crumble, she had known there was only one place she wanted to be. With Jay, in his arms.

Erin reached out to him, "What are you doing?" she softly asked glancing at the couch piled with blankets and pillows.

He paused, his eyes looking at her. She could tell, he was trying to read her thoughts. "You guys can have the bed. I'll sleep out here." He said lightly.

She grabbed his hand, and for the first time since her phone had rang, she felt calm and confident in her actions. "Come to bed with us, Jay."

She saw doubt in his eyes. He looked down at her, his eyes moving to the couch, to the bedroom, and then back to her. "I don't want to put any pressure on you, Erin. I'll be fine."

Erin allowed a small smile to form on her lips. Typical Jay. Pushing hard on her when she doesn't want him. In her space and in her head all day, and now, when she wants nothing more than to crawl into his arms, he wants to give her space. She looked up at him, her eyes bright. While she might not be ready to say everything in her heart, she knew she wanted him. She slid her hand up his chest and around his neck. She leaned up on her toes and brushed a soft kiss to his cheek. "Come to bed with us, Jay. We need you." Her eyes were large and spoke more than her words, "I need you."

She saw his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath. Those eyes that always revealed exactly what his heart was felling showed her that he was trying not to read too much into her words. She knew what he truly wanted to hear. While she might not yet be ready to say it, she hoped he knew she was feeling it.

Apparently, he saw enough in her eyes because Jay reached down and scooped up Daniel, "Come on, little man. It's bedtime." Daniel looked up at Jay and babbled his disagreement.

Erin grabbed Jay's free hand and led them into the bedroom.

….

Erin scrubbed her face in the sink of Jay's bathroom. She then looked at her reflection. Today had run such the gamut, that Erin couldn't even comprehend that it was just this morning that she had woken with the idea that things between her and Jay were over for good. Now, she was about to crawl into his bed, wearing his shirt, and there was no place else she'd rather be.

She tugged at the shirt slightly. It was big, and covered everything important, but Erin still felt somewhat exposed. Not that anything was going to happen. After all, Daniel was going to be sleeping in between them, but still.

Erin brushed out her hair, and then opened one of the bathroom drawers, hoping for a hair tie. She was pleased to see that there was still one of her old ties in his drawer. Apparently he hadn't done as good of job of purging his apartment of her as he had tried to. She quickly wrapped her hair up in a messy bun and gave one more look in the mirror. She did look exhausted. Hopefully, Daniel would sleep well tonight and not keep them up.

Erin left the bathroom and moved into the bedroom. Jay lay on his side in bed, looking over at Daniel lying next to him. Erin was surprised to see that Daniel was already dozing off.

Jay smiled over at her, "Does he always fall asleep so quickly?" he kept his voice low as to not wake the sleeping boy.

Erin cautiously slipped into bed on the opposite side of Jay. She shrugged, "Well, he'd already been asleep for a few hours when I woke him." She pulled the blanket up over her body and tucked it around Daniel a little more snuggly, trailing her hand slightly against his body. Her eyes fixed on the rise and fall of his chest as he slid into dreamland. "I have to protect him. No matter what." She softly whispered.

"We will," Jay responded. She met his eyes over the top of Daniel's head. He sounded so confident, and Erin believed him. She knew Jay would do everything in his power to make sure that nothing happened to Daniel or to Erin.

They stared at each other for a few moments, and Erin knew this precious little family unit that they had was just temporary, even though if felt so right. Her and Jay, lying in bed, with a buddle of love between them. It was suddenly so clear to Erin. This was what Jay had wanted all those months ago. He'd seen this moment and a hundred more like it, and had known clearly what future he had wanted. Her only regret was that it had taken her so long to realize it.

She reached carefully over Daniel, and placed her hand on Jay's arm that was tucked up next to Daniel, "Thank you, Jay. For tonight, for today. For everything."

His eyes smiled at her. He took her hand that lay near him and brought it up to his lips and gave it a brief kiss, and briefly closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, and then opened his eyes looking at her intently, "I meant what I said, Erin. I'm here for you, always."

He released her hand to roll to the side and switch off the bedside lamp, casting the room into darkness. Erin felt the loss of his touch and the ability to see into those eyes that gave her such comfort. She heard his breathing, just a foot away, "Jay, I need-"

She broke off, as she felt the sudden shift of the bed, and she knew that Jay had adjusted to slide down a bit, and move closer. His legs brushed hers, and his hand reached across and pulled her hips closer, his hand searching for her hand. Finally finding it and winding his fingers through hers. Daniel still lay cocooned between them, but she had the comfort of his touch that she so desired. Her heart and breathing steadied as she finally relaxed and found sleep.

…

The smells of breakfast assaulted Erin's nose, waking her from her sleep. She stretched out, her muscles languidly, allowing wakefulness to reach her slowly. Suddenly she sat up abruptly, realization of where she was instantly hitting her. Her eyes flashed open as she sprang to a sitting position. The bed was empty. Jay and Daniel both gone. Still smelling breakfast, Erin relaxed a bit. She slipped out of bed and followed her nose to Jay's kitchen. Once there, she leaned against the doorway, smiling at the scene in front of her.

Jay hadn't been kidding when he'd said he had no toys at his place, so he'd improvised with an assortment of kitchen materials. Daniel sat on the floor with bowls and some plastic food container. Jay had balled up socks to form soft toys and given him some tap ramen cups that Daniel was using as shakers.

"Inventive." She commented, causing both to turn and look at her. Daniel ignored her returned his attention to his play toys, but Jay smiled brightly.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." He said, but quickly returned his attention to the stove top. Erin could see bacon frying in one pan, while pancakes were cooking in another. She saw eggs on the counter top ready to be cooked. He gave her another quick glance over his shoulder, "Coffee's fresh."

Erin bit her lip at the scene of Jay cooking in front of her. He just wore his sweat pants which sat low on his hips. He'd had a shirt on when he went to bed, but she knew Jay slept warm, and he probably pulled it off soon after she fell asleep. Erin had to admit, she didn't mind the view. It had been far too long since she'd had the pleasure of viewing his body unrestricted. She poured herself a cup of the aforementioned coffee, and continued her appraisal of Jay. He looked good in the morning. Scruff shadowed his jawline and his hair was mussed. She felt a stirring of awareness in her body. Now that she had come to the conclusion that it was inevitable that her and Jay would figure out a way to make things work, her body was already anticipating when it might receive his attention again. She smiled down at Daniel. It was a good thing he'd been a barrier between them last night, otherwise the night might have been spent quite a bit differently. Then again, if it weren't for Daniel, would they have even made their way back to each other?

Erin made her way over to Jay's small kitchen table, stepping over Daniel's makeshift toys. "You know, I had big plans for this morning, and they kind of got ruined." She pulled out a chair, and sat down, balancing her coffee cup on her leg, and she reached down to mess Daniel's hair in greeting.

Jay grunted as he flipped a few pancakes and pulled the bacon off the pan to drain. "Scrambled?" He questioned her, gesturing to the eggs, and Erin nodded. "So how did I ruin your plans?" He asked, even as he cracked the eggs into the pan.

"Well, not you exactly. I guess I ruined them myself by coming over here last night." She gave him a quick grin, even though his attention was on the food. "I had planned on Daniel and I actually bringing you food for once in the morning."

He stopped his cooking for a moment and directed his eyes at her. "Oh, really? When was this decided?" She knew that he thought panic had brought her to him last night, but it wasn't just that. She had already decided she belonged with him, she just hadn't figured out how to tell him.

"Last night. After you left." Erin's stomach rumbled, and she couldn't resist the smell of the bacon. She got up from where she sat and leaned over to snag a piece of bacon from the paper towel where it sat. Jay caught her and swatted her butt with his spatula.

"Wait until it's ready!" He demanded playfully.

She just grinned at him, even as she sat back at the table crunching her bacon. "But it looked so good."

He eyed her hungrily, "You look good." His eyes ran down the length of her legs exposed by her wearing just his shirt. His tongue darted out and licked his lips, and eyes were hooded. Erin knew his desire for her was just as great as how much she wanted him. Finally, his eyes met hers, and they both just stared at each other, eyes locked and breathing intensifying. Jay was the first to break, smirking at her playfully, "You are driving me crazy on purpose."

"I am not!" Erin protested indignantly.

Jay stirred the scrambled eggs and threw her a knowing look, "Oh really. Yesterday walking around in just a robe and nothing else, that dress you wore last night, and then my shirt." He raised his eyebrows doubtfully at her, "I'm only human, Erin."

Erin shook her head, "I was perfectly covered at all times. It's not my fault your mind instinctively goes into the gutter." She claimed in her defense.

"It's because I know what's underneath those clothes I guess." Jay admitted. "You could wear a muumuu, and I'd probably still be turned on."

Erin just laughed and took a sip of her coffee. A few minutes later, Erin was rewarded with a plate of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. Jay joined her sitting next down at his small table.

"I gave Daniel some cereal and fruit that I had in the fridge. I didn't know what else he could eat."

"No, that sounds good. He's not too picky." Erin replied.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Jay finally brought up what Erin had been trying to keep her mind off of.

"So what's the plan? Set up a meet today at Voight's?" Jay questioned.

Erin sighed. This morning she wasn't feeling the same panic that she had been overcome with yesterday, but she was still worried about how the meeting might go down. There were so many variables when one of the factors was as unsteady as someone like Olive was right now.

"Yeah, I'll call Hank after breakfast and see what he thinks. Then I guess I will call, Olive." She sent a worried look to Jay. "Who knows, maybe she will have changed her mind after sobering from last night's binge."

Jay gave her a serious look, "Maybe, but we do want this for her. The goal is to get her into rehab, right?"

Erin looked embarrassed for a second, "Of course. I mean, I want her to get better. Get her shit together and be a mom." Her lips tightened as she thought about the last time she saw Olive being a mom. Daniel had been abandoned to watch television from his playpen, while Olive had been snorting something in the kitchen. "I just want to be sure that she is going to really be okay. She needs to actually go through recovery and even then most people don't just pop out of rehab in good condition. If she's been on a bender for the last month, who knows what kind of shape she is in."

Erin knew from personal experience that sometimes just willing yourself to be okay doesn't work. It had taken Jay's own kidnapping and almost dying herself to make her realize that she did want to live. Not just live, but live a better life than she was giving herself.

She sighed and looked down at Daniel who played happily on the floor of Jay's kitchen, unaware of the turmoil in his very own life.

After breakfast, Erin took care of dishes while Jay ran down to her car and got her go-bag. Fortunately, she had most of what Daniel needed in the diaper bag, and she'd even had the foresight to grab his medicine before she'd raced out of her apartment. Once she had her bag, she showered quickly while Jay watched Daniel. Then they swapped and Jay got ready while she entertained Daniel. As Erin had suspected, it was a lot easier taking care of a kid when you had a partner to do it with. Erin had called Hank, and shared cautiously that Olive had called her and wanted to see Daniel. Hank had been overjoyed at first, but then restrained as well when Erin shared that Olive was still getting high and only wanted to see Daniel before she checked into rehab. He agreed that the meeting should be at his place and suggested that afternoon at 2 p.m. He insisted that he make the call, and Erin forwarded the number to him, then just sat and waited for confirmation.

"It's set." She announced to Jay as she received the text from Hank. She set her phone down on the couch and leaned back on the couch. He took his attention from the game on the television that they'd been watching while they waited. Daniel lay on his belly in front of the TV, playing with a few toy cars Erin had found in the diaper bag.

Jay reached across the couch and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly. "It's going to be fine." He told her reassuringly.

Erin rolled her head to the side to look at him. Her eyes still held a lot of doubt, "I hope so." She eyed the clock. Two hours. In two hours everything could change.

Sensing her worry, Jay pulled her arms until she was laying tucked up next him, her head resting on his chest. He stroked her hair soothingly. "Olive wants what's best for Daniel. That's why she left him with you. That's why she's stayed away, and that's why she wants to get better."

Erin nodded against his chest. "How do you think he will react?"

Jay sighed, "I don't know. He's young, but she's his mom."

Erin sniffed a bit. "I'm not his mom. I know that. I don't want to be, but I care about him so much. I want him to see her and know that his mom loves him. I just want to make sure that he knows that I do, too."

"He knows, Erin." Jay dropped his gaze to her worried face. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head. "He can love you both, you know."

Erin nodded absentmindedly, her mind lost in thought for a moment. Abruptly she twisted in Jay's lap, and pushed herself up from his chest. Face to face, she pressed a kiss to his lips. One hand coming to caress his cheek. Jay eagerly returned the light kiss, and then suddenly Erin broke it off, turning once again to lay against his chest. She could hear Jay's heart beating frantically against her ear.

"What was that for?" He questioned, sounding slightly out of breath, as Erin shifted to get into a more comfortable positions against him.

"Just for being you." She wrapped his arm around her, as she lay on his chest, letting her eyes mindlessly watch the television. Their hands wrapped up in each other. Erin knew there was a chance that things in her life were on the edge of falling apart, but she also knew that there was at least one steady thing in her life. This time, she was going to make sure that she didn't push Jay away, but held on to him. Tightly, and forever.

 **Author's Note: This might be the only chapter this week. I've got a ton of real world commitments and I don't completely have the next part mapped out. My outline for the rest of the story is pretty bare. Maybe after the fall finale on Wednesday, I might get some more inspiration on where to go, otherwise is only 4-5 more chapters.**

 **A few of you voiced your displeasure at this story is ending just when they are reuniting. Since I am not very proficient at writing police drama, it is harder for me to write stories that aren't just about their relationship. I know a few authors are good at writing the day-to-day things, but I don't think I can. I will hold off on ending this for a few more weeks. I think I have a plan until Christmas (story wise) , but after that, I will probably want to move onto a new story. I've always wanted to try a completely AU story, so I might go that route. Where they meet under different circumstances.**

 **Thank you again to all who read and review. I appreciate the kind and constructive words from all. I've had almost 500 reviews which pretty much blows my mind.**


	24. Chapter 24

They took Jay's car to Voight's house. Erin wanted to sit in back with Daniel. She knew it was ridiculous, but she wanted to be as close to him as possible for these last few moments. Maybe nothing would change. It was possible Olive was just going to have a quiet visit with Daniel, and then do what she said she was going to do: enter rehab and get her shit together. Come back and be the mom she really needed to be for her son. Having dealt with so many troubled people in her personal and professional life, Erin knew that you usually couldn't except people to act how you wanted them to. Most people, especially those in highly emotional states and under the influence of drugs and alcohol, usually surprised the hell out of Erin.

Erin wrapped Daniel's hand in hers, smiling fondly at the fact that he was blissfully unaware of what his future might hold. She saw Jay's eyes meet hers in the rearview mirror. She could see tension in his gaze. She nodded at him nervously. He'd been so strong for her the last two days. Erin's confidence in him and his role in her life was stronger than it had ever been. She'd always known he was a great boyfriend. Fun, caring, loving, and thoughtful. But in the last few days, she'd looked at him as more. She knew he would make the best partner in life. She wasn't quite ready to say father and husband, but she knew that they were going to find a way to make things work.

Jay parked his car at Hank's house and they made their way to the steps. Erin let herself in with her key. Hank had left to pick up Olive from a diner downtown. Olive had been evasive about where she was staying and said she just wanted to meet. Since Hank was adamant that the meet would happen at his house, he'd offered to pick her up. This gave Erin a few minutes to get settled in with Daniel before Olive arrived.

Daniel was excited to once again be at the Voight house. While most of his belongings were at Erin's, several favorite toys had been left behind at Hank's. He bee lined it toward a basket of plush toys and push cars. Erin dropped into one of the nearby chairs and just watched him wistfully.

Noticing that Jay was just standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, she looked up at him curiously, "What's wrong?"

Giving the room a cursory look, he shrugged. "It's just weird being here. Voight's home." The look on his face told her he found the location distasteful.

"You've been here tons of times." She argued.

Jay shook his head. "Five. I've been here five times." He held up his fingers. "One when Voight was kidnapped. Two when he dragged my brother and I into his personal mission. Three, I picked you up here for work once when you were staying here. The fourth time was when we stopped by in June to pick up those beach chairs when we went to the lake. Then today."

Erin wrinkled her brow. "So, what's the big deal. It's just his house. I grew up here."

Jay just looked around, noting all the small things that made a house a home. Dozens of picture frames of Voight's family were on the mantle. Jay knew there were a few pictures of Erin in the collection, but knew she would give him a hard time if he ventured over there. There were several vases of artificial flowers around the room. Jay couldn't align flowers with Voight. It must have been touches added by Hank's wife all those years ago. It was odd to him that those touches from his wife were still so clear here. There was a clear women's touch everywhere he looked, and it was hard for Jay to acclimate that with the man he knew. It also made him slightly uncomfortable thinking about this empty house. A house that once house children, a wife, and grandchildren. Now it was empty, save Voight.

Jay nodded at the easy chair that was strategically placed in front of a small television. "It's just weird to think that this is where Voight sits and watches the news, catches the game, and plots shady dealings."

Erin snarled a bit at that last comment. She knew Jay was just teasing, but it still didn't sit well with her. "Well, where would you want him to live?"

Jay didn't have an answer for her. "It's just weird to be here when he's not here."

"Well, I'm here, so relax and sit down." Erin motioned for him to sit in the chair opposite her. Jay dropped Daniel's diaper bag that he had carried from the car onto the floor next to Erin's chair, and looked over at the chair that she had pointed to. It was clear that was Voight's chair. No way he wanted to be sitting in that chair when Voight came home.

"Hmm, maybe I'll stand."

Erin rolled her eyes at him and just decided to ignore him. Maybe it was true that Jay had only been here a few times, but it shouldn't matter. This was her second home, and if she wanted him here, he was welcome here.

Suddenly, Erin heard a car door slam. She stood up quickly, recognizing instinctively, the sound of Hank's car door. She hesitated on whether or not to pick up Daniel and be holding him when Olive and Hank entered, or just let him continue to play. The choice was taken out of her hands when the door swung open. Hank held the door open and Olive took a few hesitant steps through the door. When she saw Daniel, she paused briefly her hand covering her mouth to hold back a gasp. Then she raced forward, dropping to her knees in front of Daniel. She instantly wrapped him up in her arms, rocking him back and forth. Tears flowed from her eyes and she openly cried as she held him in.

"I've missed you, baby. I've missed you so much." She sobbed.

Erin stood uncomfortably above them, not quite sure what she should do. Hank walked into the room, and raised his eyebrows a bit at seeing Jay leaning against the living room wall behind her.

Olive sat on the ground next to Daniel now, pulling him into her lap. "He's gotten so big, Erin." She looked up at Erin with sad eyes. "I've missed so much. I'm so sorry, baby." She kissed his head as clung to her. Then Olive suddenly noticed Jay. Erin saw her tense slightly and hold Daniel a little bit closer to her. Olive eyes darted back and forth from where Hank stood to Jay.

Hank stepped forward, his voice was brisk, "What are you doing here, Halstead?"

Jay seemed startled, "Uh, I brought Erin." He looked confused. Erin didn't understand as well, she had thought it had been clear that her and Daniel had spent the night with Jay. She didn't understand why Hank look so surprised.

"Come outside with me for a minute. I need to talk to you." Hank turned and walked back out the front door, not even waiting for a response.

Jay gave a bewildered look to Erin, but followed Hank outside. Erin was left alone with a still sniffling Olive. Erin slowly lowered herself back to the chair. She watched Olive gently stroke Daniel's hair. While Erin might have been worried about Daniel's response to Olive, she shouldn't have been. He seemed to know exactly that his momma was back and he seemed thrilled to back in her arms.

Erin struggled to smile, but somehow forced one. "He's missed you, Olive." She was going to try and support this meeting. She had so many reservations but she knew that Olive loved her child, even if grief had caused her to be reckless with his well-being.

"I know. I can't believe how big he's gotten." Olive said. Erin watched as Olive chattered at Daniel, marveling over his size and his longish curls that had grown over the last month. Erin had been contemplating getting him a haircut, but hadn't wanted to overstep. Erin's eyes kept drifting to the door, wondering what Hank had wanted to talk to Jay about. He'd seemed surprised to see him, which made no sense to Erin, since she had made it clear that she'd been hiding out at Jay's since the night before. She wished could just go outside and join the conversation, but she did not want to leave Olive alone with Daniel.

Erin continued to watch Olive play with Daniel. It was weird to watch them play together. Olive kept trying to keep Daniel on her lap, while Daniel clearly wanted to escape to his toys. Erin knew at this age, he loved his freedom. Missing his mom or not, he wanted to move around, not sit on someone's lap for more than a minute.

The front door opened again, and Hank walked in, quickly shutting the door behind him as he entered. Erin lifted her chin in surprise. "Where's Jay?" Even as she spoke, she heard a car starting on the street, that she recognized at belonging to Jay. She looked at Hank in astonishment. "Did you kick him out?" Her voice was raised slightly.

Hank gave her a stony stare, "This is a family matter, Erin. He didn't need to be here."

Erin's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

Hank pursed his lips in irritation. He jerked his chin toward Olive, who was watching their exchange with concern. "He's not a part of this family. This is between us."

Erin narrowed her eyes, and she followed his gaze to Olive. The young woman was nodding in agreement with Hank. "Thanks, Hank." She gave an apologetic look at Erin. "Justin never really cared much for Jay. Sorry, Erin."

Erin bit down hard on her tongue to control the words that she wanted to hurl at Olive. How could Olive dare to speak against Jay. This wonderful man who had done so much for Daniel in last week. Daniel who adored his "Jay, Jay, Jay." Erin didn't want to get in a fight with Olive. She knew the situation was fragile, and she took a steady breath to keep from calling Olive out. Erin knew that Olive's distrust of Jay came from Justin's own jealousy of Jay. As much as Erin had loved Justin like a brother, when he had been released from jail it had been clear to Erin that he no longer saw her as a sister. During those short months in between his release and when he joined the army, he'd made several overtures that let her know he was open to more. Erin had dismissed his attempts playfully, but she'd been able to read between the lines. She'd only seen him a handful of times when he'd been on leave, but he'd still usually made comments about her "boyfriend." Even when Jay and Erin hadn't been dating, Justin had been annoyed at Jay's presence in her life.

Erin stayed quiet and watched as Olive, and then Hank, played with Daniel. She didn't know what to say to Olive. She was afraid that if she spoke, her anger at Olive's abandonment of Daniel and scorn of Jay might cause the meet up to escalate into a confrontation. That was the last thing she wanted, so Erin sat back and let Hank handle this situation.

It wasn't too long before Hank brought up some of the questions that Erin had been wanting to know as well. "Olive, do you know where you are going for help?" Hank asked carefully.

Olive's eyes looked up startled, "Uh, yeah. A friend of mine recommended a place. She had some success there last year."

Hank nodded, "That sounds great. Where is it?"

Olive averted her eyes a bit. "It's a good place. I actually called them this morning. They have a bed for me on Sunday."

"Let me know where, and I can help out." Hank offered up.

Olive shook her head. "Umm, I don't really want you guys involved. If you don't mind, this is something I want to do myself." She focused her attention back on Daniel. "I want to do this for you, baby." She murmured to Daniel. Erin could tell that Olive meant the words that she said, but at the same time Olive didn't look well. Erin recognized the signs, having visited this lifestyle herself last year. Deep purple circles shadowed Olive's eyes. Her curly hair looked dull and her face pale. She appeared sober, but it seemed to be taking its toll on her. She seemed shaky and slightly ill. After weeks of drowning her grief in pills, alcohol, and who knows what else, it wasn't like she could just stop cold turkey and bounce back. Erin knew Olive's body was craving a fix. Anything to help deal with the realities of life.

The visit lasted for another thirty minutes. Hank made some more gentle inquires as to where Olive was staying or how they could get ahold of her, but Olive remained tense and tight-lipped whenever he pressed. Hank finally asked if Olive would stay for dinner. She had reluctantly looked at Daniel, and Erin could tell she wanted to stay, but Olive had stood abruptly and asked If Hank would take her home.

"Is Daniel still staying with you, Erin?" Olive questioned.

Erin started to respond, but Hank spoke quicker. "We share him. It just depends on our schedule. Most the nights we all just hang out together."

Erin kept her shock hidden as she heard the clear lies. Most of the time that Olive had been away, Erin had been on her own. It was just the last few days that Hank had stepped back up. With the exception of Thanksgiving and the night before, they hadn't spent much time together at all in the last month. Hank had been busy doing whatever he'd been doing to clear his name and he hadn't wanted Erin or Daniel around. Erin just inwardly shrugged. Hank usually had a reason for what he said, and at this point, she knew she just wasn't clued in. Hank had run Jay out of here and now was lying to Olive.

Olive excused herself to the restroom, and Erin took the opportunity to give Hank a piece of her mind. She hissed at Hank, "We are going to have words after we drop her off."

Hank shook his head slightly at her, "Stay here."

Erin threw up her arms in frustration. "No! I don't have a ride and I want to go home. Jay brought me, and I-"

"Erin. Just stay. Let me drop off Olive, and then I will come back here. We can talk, then I will take you home." His eyes implored her, and Erin felt like there was something that he was keeping from her. She stared at him for a bit longer until she heard the sound of the bathroom door opening.

"Fine," she spit out, just as Olive reappeared.

Olive's eyes were bright when she reappeared, and Erin prayed that it was just from the emotion of preparing to say good-bye to Daniel, and not from taking something while out of the room. The pessimist in Erin just feared Olive wouldn't make it to rehab. She tried to hope that seeing her happy son would give Olive the strength she needed to get it together, but you never know. Erin thought of her own mom. Bunny never seemed to find that place. Rock bottom never hit for her, and she never could give up the life-style. Not for her kids, nor for her health.

It was a tearful good-bye, and Erin sighed with relief when Hank's car pulled away. Closing the door behind them, Erin almost collapsed on the floor next to Daniel. She had feared and built up this meeting so much that a part of her could only imagine that seeing Olive again would result in the loss of Daniel. The fact that Daniel was still here filled her with relief. She knew that if Olive actually went into recovery, that it meant she'd have one more month to ensure that he would be kept away from that life-style. If Olive finished her treatment, then Erin might be more hopeful for his future. Right now, she was just going to keep doing what she was doing. Protecting and loving her nephew.

Erin almost laughed when she thought about it. That first day when she had Daniel, she had insisted that she could not watch him. At most, a few days. The idea of her alone and taking care of a child had seemed impossible. Now she could barely imagine what her life was like before him.

Erin pulled aside the curtain of Hank's front window. Her eyes scanned up and down the street looking for Jay's car. She still couldn't believe that Hank had made Jay leave, or that Jay had willingly gone! After all Hank's matchmaking on Thanksgiving, it confused her that he would make a point that Jay was not family. Erin was fully aware that Hank thought she had made the wrong decision in not agreeing to marry him. Despite his bluster about Jay, Erin knew that Hank respected him. Maybe he hadn't been on board initially about their relationship, but clearly that had changed. Any reservations he'd had seemed to had faded, or at least she thought they had until this afternoon.

It still surprised Erin that Jay had just walked away. Erin was confused that he wouldn't at least pop his head in and say good-bye. It bothered her a bit. Was it significant? Had Hank made some comment that made Jay want to walk away, or was it just as clear as Hank has said: it was a family matter and Olive didn't want Jay there.

Erin groaned. She really wanted to go home. She glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that Hank had been gone almost a half hour. Erin wasn't sure if Olive would have him drop her off at the same spot or somewhere different. She hoped that Olive would just let them drop her off wherever she was staying. Erin knew that Hank could be convincing, but she also knew they were walking on eggshells. They just didn't want her to run.

Another thirty minutes passed before Erin saw Hank's car pull up. She was ready and had moved from confusion to anger.

"What did you say to Jay, Hank? How could you run him out of here?" Erin yelled the second he walked back through the door.

Hank frowned at her, looking past her to Daniel who was pushing a plastic lawnmower around the living room. "How's Daniel?"

"He's fine!" Erin stated in annoyance. "I'm the one with issues."

"Have you heard from Jay?" Hank asked. He moved around the living room, sitting down into his recliner. Grabbing the remote off the end table he flipped on the television.

Erin couldn't believe Hank was acting so calm. "No! Not since you took him outside and threatened him, or said whatever you said to make him leave!"

Hank frowned at her thoughtfully, as if her words were suddenly sinking in, "He hasn't called you?"

"No!" Erin yelled. "He probably won't either. We had just gotten to a good place, too. Thanks a lot, Hank."

The concerned look on Hank's face confused Erin. She saw him pull out his phone and pull up a number and hit send. "Hey, why aren't you aren't calling Erin back? She's freaking out!" Erin couldn't hear the other side of the conversation, but she saw Hank's eyes fixate on her abruptly. He pulled the phone back a bit and questioned her. "Halstead says you never called him?"

Confused beyond belief, Erin just threw up her arms in frustration. It was true, she hadn't, but still, she had no idea what was going on.

Hank continued his one-sided conversation, "Yeah, I'll tell her. You stay on it… No I agree. She'll stay here until then…. Al and I can watch overnight…What time in the morning?... No, she'll calm down soon. She's mad at me not you." He leveled a look at Erin, who just rolled her eyes. After a few more cryptic comments, Hank hung up. He raised his eyebrows at Erin, "Halstead says you never called, but he will call you in a bit, he's driving right now."

Erin just shook her head, perplexed. She had caught part of what they were talking about, but the tone and casualness of the conversation didn't make sense. It was like Hank knew exactly where and what Jay was doing. "What is going on?" She asked.

Hank sighed. "I know Olive isn't a big fan of Jay." Erin's ire started to flare, but Hank held out his hands in a calming position. "It's not something I agree with, nor do I think he would do anything to hurt Daniel. I wanted to put her at ease, and it was clear his presence upset her." Erin was placated slightly, but still upset about them giving in to Olive, when she was the one who had deserted her child. "Besides, I needed him to help out with surveillance."

Now Erin was really confused, "Surveillance? Did we catch a case?"

Hank shook his head. "No, I was pretty certain that Olive wasn't going to be forthcoming about where she was staying, so I wanted to find out our way. I had Jay tail me to the drop off point, then he was going to wait there to find out where Olive went after. We need to keep tabs on her. No more of this hiding stuff. A van picked her up about ten minutes ago. Jay is following them now. Once they end up somewhere he said he will call you back."

Erin looked at Hank dumbfounded. Not only was Hank not pushing Jay out, he was actually pulling him in. Erin didn't know quite what to say. She was mad, but she knew there was no actual reason to be upset. Whatever conversation Hank had with Jay outside, it had been about helping their family. The fact that Hank had so much trust in Jay actually alarmed her. She could never really see her two world meshing. Her relationship with Hank was rooted in obligation and unwavering loyalty. Something that Jay couldn't always comprehend. Her relationship with Jay was based on love. Hank had always looked at their relationship as a distraction. Was it possible that the two most important people in her life could find common ground? It started to seem like it more and more.

"Can you take me over to Jay's? My car is there, and I want to head home." The last few days had been exhausting, and Erin wanted nothing more than to be home.

She saw Voight immediately tense, and Erin prepared herself for what was to come. "I don't think that is a good idea. Until we know more about where Olive has been holed up and who she has been hanging with, I don't want you alone."

Erin instinctively rebelled, "I can take care of myself." She knew Voight's words made sense. Neither of them could forget when Olive's careless words to acquaintances had resulted in Hank being robbed, chained to a heater, and almost being beaten to death. Part of the reason that Erin had fled to Jay's house late last night had been those memories. She reluctantly agreed, "I see your point." Erin thought for a moment, "So what's the plan then. I stay here until Olive's in rehab?"

Hank looked at her regretfully, "No. I think we already have proven that Olive knows people who know me. I think staying at Jay's for a few more days is best. He's unknown to the neighborhood, and Olive doesn't know much about him as well."

Now Erin knew for sure that her world's had collided in an unbelievable way. Hank requesting that she play house with Jay? Those were words she never thought she'd hear him say. Trusting Jay to not only take care of her, but to also protect and watch over his grandson. Erin looked at Hank in surprise. She felt emotions fighting within her. She wanted to say something. Thank him for his trust in her, and in the man she had chosen to love. She knew Hank didn't like those kind of conversations though. Instead she just looked at him with caring eyes, "Okay." She quietly replied.

Afternoon turned to evening, and despite knowing the situation, Erin started to feel restless. Jay had called her earlier, but their exchange had been brief before Hank had taken the line to get details about where Jay was at. He was hunkered down outside a ramshackle home on the other side of Chicago. The plan for was for Olinsky to relieve Jay about eight. Hank would meet up with Al after Jay picked up Erin. Time seemed to be standing still for Erin though. While she enjoyed watching Hank spend time with her nephew, she still felt claustrophobic. Daniel had napped before dinner, and even Erin had caught about a thirty-minute snooze. For dinner, Hank had done his cooking thing and grilled up some chicken and potatoes, but now Erin just felt like she was on pause. Waiting.

It was almost nine before Jay finally rolled in. He locked eyes with Erin as soon as he entered, but it was all business with Hank first. He gave Voight a rundown of the different people he'd seen come and go from the home where Olive had been taken to. Most were shifty looking, and there was quite a bit of traffic in and out of the place. That usually wasn't a good thing. Jay had a list of license plates as well. He hadn't been sure if Voight wanted him pulling anyone else into this, so he hadn't ran the plates, just jotted down the numbers. Voight pocketed the information and gave Jay a pat on the back in gratitude before heading out to meet Olinsky for their long overnight shift. He gave one more long glance at Erin, Jay, and Daniel before he disappeared into the night.

Finally, alone, Erin wrapped her arms around Jay tightly. She'd missed him today, but her hug was also about thanking him for looking out for her family, "Thank you," she whispered into his jacket.

His hand landed on the back of her head, and he breathed in the scent of her hair. His fingers threading through her curly locks. They just breathed in unison for a few moments.

"Let's get out of here," Erin whispered reluctantly leaving his embrace. She moved around the room picking up all of Daniel's belongings. "We packed up some food from dinner," she mentioned.

Jay grinned, "Good cause I am starved." He played a bit with Daniel, keeping him distracted, while Erin gathered up everything. "So…I got the impression you were a little peeved with Hank over kicking me out earlier."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Well, he didn't say anything obviously, and you just disappeared." Jay just laughed. "It's not like he hasn't made his opinion known in the past about you and I."

His eyes, despite their exhaustion, twinkled a bit. "Oh, I think he's all about Team Jay now."

Erin just grunted a bit. She hated to say it, but she kind of agreed. Hank did seem on Team Jay. Matchmaking on Thanksgiving, and then putting so much trust in him today. If she'd had any doubt before about whether or not Hank approved of her and Jay, it had all vanished now.

Jay pulled a face. "Don't be jealous. It's about time he's on my side. Guy has been against me since the moment he met me." He teased with a huge grin on his face.

"Well, if he knew everything, he'd be on Team Erin." She retorted quickly.

Jay looked up at her sharply, hurt passing through his eyes as he looked at her. Then he quickly looked away.

"Jay," Erin regretted what she had said instantly, "I didn't mean that. I was just teasing." Fear sliced through Erin. She hadn't been thinking of anything bad when she had made the comment. She just meant that Hank was like her dad. If she told him everything she was feeling, he'd support her. She meant about trusting Jay and loving him, and wanting a future with him. She could tell Jay had taken it differently.

Jay's eyes were solemn when he looked back at her, "You're right though. He wouldn't want anything to do with me if you told him the truth." Hank was like a father to her, and if wouldn't matter if they weren't together when he had been with another woman. Hank would most definitely hold it against him.

Erin sighed. How did this conversation take such a quick turn? She had just wanted to go home, crawl into bed with Jay and Daniel and sleep the night away. Instead, Jay was looking at her with self-loathing, and she didn't even know what to say.

Dropping the bags she had just gathered, she walked across the room to him, She lifted her hands to his face, her thumb brushing against his tight-lipped frown. She gently forced his down turned gaze to look at her. The pain in his eyes made her heart ache. She hated that she could so easily cause him pain. All she really wanted to do was find love and joy with him. She looked up with an open heart, and she spoke softly, "I'm on Team Jay, and that's all that matters."

Erin saw doubt in his shadowed blue eyes, but she couldn't think of any more words to erase it. Not when they were standing in Voight's living room with a toddler playing at their feet, both exhausted from the last couple days. She leaned up on her tiptoes and brushed a light kiss on his cheek.

When she pulled back, Jay blinked a few times, and then he gave her a small smile. "Let's get out of here. I'm hungry and this guy is probably ready for bed." Erin could tell that there was sadness hidden behind the smile. It just didn't quite meet his eyes. As they got settled into the car, Erin couldn't help but think that she really put her foot in her mouth. The status of their relationship was still so fragile. There was still so much they needed to discuss, and Erin knew a heart to heart conversation was needed. She was ready to move forward, but their past was still a part of their relationship. It was time they dealt with it openly, so the wounds of their past could finally begin to heal.

 **Author's Note: Sorry this was a long week in between updates, but things should pick up. I've got nine days off, so I am sure that I will have time for writing. Also, I kind of thought of a few more events that I want to include, so the story might be a few more chapters longer than I had originally intended. I know I did Thanksgiving, but with Christmas just around the corner in my story, I realized that it would be adorable to have some holiday scenes with a Christmas them. Thanks for reading and thank you again to all who review.**


	25. Chapter 25

Erin slowly came awake and her eyes focused on the sleeping child next to her. She had felt Jay kiss her good-bye sometime in the wee hours of the morning. She had managed to pull herself up enough to tell him to stay safe before she had rolled over and fallen back asleep. The emotional highs and lows of the last couple days had finally caught up to her, and she had been exhausted. Rolling slightly to the side, she grabbed her phone and checked the time. 8:40 a.m. She imagined Jay had left sometime after six. A smile passes across her lips when she noted she had a few texts from Jay.

 _7:30 a.m.- Are you awake yet? It's freezing out here._

 _8:20 a.m.- Come on, sleepyhead. WAKE UP! I'm bored!_

Sitting up a bit, Erin thought about what she wanted to text him. They'd had an awkward moment last night when she had accidentally brought up some of their unresolved issues. Jay had definitely shut down a bit on her. Once they had gotten home, he'd eaten a late dinner in the kitchen while she'd bathed and got Daniel to bed. By the time she'd come back out, he'd been ready to shower himself. When she'd finished her own shower, he'd already been fast asleep in the bed, with Daniel pressed up against his side. The sight had made her heart melt, but she'd been disappointed that they hadn't been able to talk.

Erin knew that today would be another lonely day. With Jay on surveillance detail, she'd be hanging at his place with Daniel all alone. Normally Erin would relish a day off from work, and she loved spending time just hanging with Daniel. If only they weren't trapped inside Jay's apartment. Not that she hated Jay's place. Okay, maybe she did. She'd been thrilled last spring when he started thinking about moving. His place was small and cramped, and kind of dingy looking. It always felt dark in there, even when the windows were open and the lights were on. If she was stuck all day at her place, there were a hundred little things to do. She needed to pay bills, she wanted to do laundry. She had been wanting to clean out her closet, go through her winter clothes and see if she needed to replace stuff. Thinking of her apartment, Erin realized she had left it in disarray. She'd only partially finished cleaning up from Thanksgiving when Olive had called. She'd have a lot to do when she finally returned home.

It wasn't the idea that she couldn't go home that caused her boredom either. Even just being able to go out and run errands would be nice. Daniel needed winter clothes, too. Erin wouldn't mind taking advantage of a few post-Thanksgiving sales, as well. You could never start Christmas shopping too early. In their job, things got busy at the drop of a hat. Who knows if they'd get another weekend off in December?

Instead of actually having a productive weekend off, she'd be hanging at Jay's place all day. Once again, it wouldn't be as big of deal if Jay was actually here, but just alone in his apartment with Daniel didn't sound appealing. Daniel stirred just a bit and rolled over to face Erin. She smiled at his slow blinking eyes. When he fully was awake, he matched her smile with one of his own. Erin snuggled up close to him. Maybe being stuck home all day wouldn't be that bad. She could cuddle with Daniel all morning in their pajamas if they wanted. Deciding she knew the message she wanted to send Jay, she flipped the camera on her phone and took a quick selfie with Daniel's sleepy face. Checking the photo, she smiled. It was perfect. They both had soft sleep filled eyes, but clear smiles on their face. She quickly sent the photo to Jay, captioning it _Morning_.

Pulling Daniel from the bed, Erin headed towards the kitchen with breakfast on her mind. She put together some food for him, while fresh coffee brewed for her. She was poking around in the fridge, trying to decide on toast or last night's dinner leftovers.

When her phone buzzed on the table, she quickly lunged for it. She couldn't wait to see Jay's response. Erin almost felt giddy like a teenager with a new love. Except it wasn't a new love. It was Jay. The only man she'd ever truly loved. She eagerly read his response.

 _Would do anything to be there beside you._

Erin's heart warmed. Whatever awkwardness that had passed between them last night, was clearly gone. Erin wished he was with them as well. Maybe Sunday they could stay in bed and cuddle all morning. Although chances were, he'd still be on surveillance detail. If Olive was going to follow through on rehab, then it wouldn't be until sometime Sunday that Jay would be off the hook. Erin tried to not let disappointment fill her at the lost opportunity. After all, they could possibly have the rest of their lives to have lazy Sunday mornings. With Daniel, or their own kids.

Erin sucked in a surprised breath at the train of thought her mind had gone. Kids. Being a mom. It had always been a secret desire of hers. Yes, she'd shut it down after Justin's death. Grief and sadness had shadowed her view of family for a while. Maybe caring for Daniel had changed her point of view, or maybe just enough time had passed that she was ready to think of a more hopeful future. Seeing first-hand the kind of father that Jay would be, had given her what could only be described as warm and fuzzy feelings about motherhood and family.

The morning faded into afternoon, and Erin had pretty much worn out all her entertainment options for Daniel. They'd watched the kiddie channel on television, looked through Jay's magazine collection (cars, sports, and fitness), played with pillows and blankets, stacked plastic cups, and played basketball with the balled-up socks and some bowls. Now Erin lay flat on her back, staring aimlessly at the ceiling of Jay's living room, while Daniel tossed socks at her face.

Erin winced playfully as Daniel smacked a sock ball right on her nose. "Ooooh, Daniel! I'm gonna get you!" She tossed the ball back at him as he laughed gleefully. Suddenly she had an idea.

"How about an indoor snowball fight, Daniel?" Jay had made three sock balls the day before for Daniel to play with, but Erin wanted more for their snowball fight. Leaving Daniel on the living room floor, she slipped into Jay's bedroom and headed toward his sock drawer. Pulling it open, she reached for a stack of socks, when her eyes caught something in the corner of Jay's drawer. A black velvet box.

If it was possible for someone's heart to stop in shock, then Erin knew that hers had. She felt like an eternity passed before rational thought entered her brain. Her hand brushed the top of the box, and she pulled it back instantly, as if the black velvet burned and scorched her skin. Staring silently for several moments, Erin finally reached forward again and pulled the box from its hiding place. She knew it was wrong, but she really wanted to see it again. Her ring.

When she flipped the box open, Erin stumbled back at the onslaught of emotion. Her knees hit the bed, and she sunk down to its edge. It was even more beautiful than she remembered. Delicate twisting metal held a large square cut diamond. Smaller diamonds encircled the center, and the ring glittered even in the dim light of Jay's bedroom.

He'd kept the ring.

Erin didn't know what she'd thought he'd done with it. She knew rings weren't cheap, and that probably meant for all these months, Jay was still making payments on this ring. Sending money to whichever jeweler, he'd bought it from. Even after their break up, he'd kept it. Erin recalled one of their arguments where he'd claimed he'd carried the ring with him for weeks after their breakup, hoping she'd change her mind. Erin tried not to think about Jay months ago sitting across from her, with hurt eyes and an aching heart, this ring hidden in his pocket or his desk drawer. It hurt her own heart, knowing that she pushed him away.

Erin allowed her finger to lightly trace the edge of the ring. She suddenly realized she wanted to try it on. She wanted to see what it looked like on her finger. Realizing the absurdity of that statement, she snapped the black box shut with force. Almost stumbling, she rushed to the drawer and tucked the box back in its spot. She quickly slammed the drawer shut and retreated back into the living room.

"Sorry, Daniel. No more socks for us." She murmured. The little boy looked up at her, oblivious to her words or feelings. She sank to the floor near him, thankful that for this moment, he was distractedly elsewhere. Her mind was such a riot of feelings and thoughts, that she didn't know what to didn't know what alarmed her the most. The knowledge that Jay still held the ring, or the desire she felt to wear the damn thing. Her heart was still beating rapidly, but there was an excitement to her emotions.

Erin's emotional tension continued to rise throughout the afternoon. She'd exchanged casual texts with Jay all day, but not too much, as she hadn't wanted to distract him from his task. She knew he'd be late again tonight. Hank and Al were relieving him again in the late evening. Jay didn't have an abundance of food in the house, but she was able to boil up some pasta and some sauce for spaghetti. She found some rolls and made some makeshift garlic bread. By seven, she'd been starving, and she ate her portion, carefully storing Jay's. After she receive a text from him at eight o'clock, she started reheating the dinner. She was so excited to see him, but still felt nervous. She tried to push the nerves away. She shouldn't feel nervous. It was Jay after all. They'd already been through so much together. It was weird that he could still cause butterflies to fill her stomach. Erin anticipated that tonight they would finally open up about their expectations for the future. Even though she didn't think she was really ready, she couldn't help but imagine that ring on her finger.

When Jay finally stumbled through the door, Erin could see exhaustion lined his face. Two full days of surveillance, following a few days of stressful holiday, were starting to take its toll on him. She pulled dinner out of the microwave even as he shucked off his jacket and boots.

"Smells great in here," he sniffed the air appreciatively. "You found stuff to cook in here? Figured you might order take out."

"It's just spaghetti and garlic bread," she replied embarrassed. "Nothing fancy."

Jay smiled at her warmly, "Well, after sitting in a freezing car all day, it smells pretty fancy to me."

She grabbed a couple beers for them both and sat down at the table next to him. She kept one eye on Daniel who was playing on the floor of the kitchen. She watched them both for a few minutes. "So what have you guys learned about who Olive is staying with?" She finally questioned.

"Well, Hank pulled Mouse in to help with getting info on the licenses and some IDs of the people we are seeing out there. A few have records. Nothing too serious. An assault and a few misdemeanors. Mainly they've all been picked up for drug related crimes. The house is rented by a Deeana Wimmer. Hank says you guys phoned her, but she said she hadn't talked to Olive since high school."

Erin nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah, I remember her. She was quick to say they hadn't really kept in touch, at least not in person." Erin shrugged, "Guess that was a lie."

Jay chewed some of the garlic bread, "Hmmm, this is good. Thanks for dinner." He took another bite before continuing. "Anyways, Deanna was in rehab last year, and we predict that Olive is probably headed there tomorrow. Mouse did some background work and found the place Deanna was at. We think we will be able to keep tabs on Olive while she is there."

Erin let out a shaky sigh. She really liked the idea that they'd know where Olive was. The wondering and worry is what bothered her the most. "Are you meeting them in the morning?"

Jay nodded, "Yeah, Hank wants me on the rehab facility. I think him and Olinsky are going to try and make it through the morning. We are hoping she is going to check in early, they open at 8 a.m."

Erin gave a worried look, "I just want this all to be over."

"I know," Jay gave her a reassuring smile. "Everything is going as planned. We found Olive. We know who she is with, and we are pretty certain where she is going. Hopefully by tomorrow morning, she will be checked in rehab and maybe 90 days from now she will be out and on her way to recovery."

Erin perked up a bit, "I can't wait until tomorrow."

Jay gave her an odd look, and Erin could tell something was on his mind. He took a few more bites before he spoke again. "Excited to get back home?" He said lightly, although Erin could tell there was more behind his words than just the question of whether or not she wanted to go back to her apartment.

Erin took a long swig of her beer, "Umm, yeah. It'll be nice to have all Daniels stuff." She tried to give a smile to Jay, but it felt forced. "We've imposed enough on you."

Jay nodded thoughtfully as he ate, and Erin felt like she had hurt his feelings somehow even without meaning to. She was happy to get home. She didn't have any of her stuff with her. Just whatever had been in her go-bag. A few toiletries and some clothes. Not to mention Daniel's stuff. The independent part of Erin felt ridiculous hiding out here at Jay's, when her apartment was just fifteen minutes away. At this point she didn't even think Olive was a threat. On Thanksgiving, she'd been afraid of the unknown. After the sketchy visit with Olive, Hank had been worried about whomever she'd been hanging with. Memories of his last run in with "friends" of Olive's lingered in all their heads. Now, she did just want to get home, but it didn't mean she wanted to leave Jay.

Even though she'd barely seen him since yesterday morning, she enjoyed sharing space with him. She felt close to him just by being in his apartment, even if he wasn't there. Sleeping with Daniel between them the last two nights had been so comforting. It had given Erin that connection that she often felt she was missing. Jay was her anchor. He kept her grounded and made her feel safe, even as heart soared with her feelings for him.

"To be honest, you can probably head home in the morning," Jay suddenly blurted out.

Erin looked at him startled, "Oh, okay, um, yeah." She had thought maybe they'd still spend the day together after he was done with surveillance. With work on Monday, she knew that reality was going to hit them hard. The fact that they'd actually had a holiday weekend meant that work was going to probably be hectic starting Monday morning. "I can get out of your hair while you're gone."

Jay backtracked a bit, "I mean, you are more than welcome to stay, but I know you probably want to get back to your place."

Erin nodded quickly, "No, I want to go home." Erin looked away from Jay uncertainly. That awkwardness from the night before had returned. She didn't know why. It was like they were both walking on eggshells around each other, not wanting to say what they were really thinking and feeling. Erin was thinking they were both afraid that having the conversation might change things. Erin knew that they couldn't stay in this limbo any longer. She remembered that feeling of excitement that she'd had that afternoon when she had stumbled upon the ring, and her mind had been filled with ideas of marriage and children.

"Why are you-" she began nervously, her throat dry. She swallowed, then started again, "I feel like, maybe, you are pushing me away a little." She looked up at him with worried eyes. "Did I do something or say something? Yesterday, when we were joking about Hank…" she let the comment trail off, not really wanting to bring it up. She just knew things was a tension between them. On Thanksgiving, he'd been all about getting a second chance and being willing to wait for her. Then he'd been so supportive with Daniel. It felt weird that he kept backing off all the sudden.

Jay pushed his half-eaten plate of food away. "I'm not mad about anything, Erin. I'm not trying to push you away." She could see honesty in his eyes, but she still felt a distance between them.

She looked at him straight forwardly, "Then why are you so eager to get rid of me." Jay looked at her for several moments, and she could tell he wanted to say something, but was hesitating. "Jay! Just talk to me." When he just looked at her with slightly sad eyes, Erin got a sick feeling in her stomach, "What is wrong? Are you having second thoughts? Is this, us, not what you want?"

"No!" Jay quickly retorted. "I still want this. I just…" he took a deep breath, and Erin could tell it was hard, whatever he wanted to say. "I promised I wouldn't pressure you. Now, we are practically living together, and I feel like it's not what I promised. I just think maybe we might need to take a few steps back."

Erin looked at Jay in confusion, "You don't want to get back together?" she quietly asked.

"I want that more than anything, but..." She could tell he didn't want to continue as he took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.

"But what?" Erin's confusion was visible. He wanted her, and she wanted him. What was confusing about that.

Jay ran his fingers through his hair, "Listen. I am happy I was able to be here for you. That you came to me for help, it's what I always have wanted. Still want." He motioned towards Daniel, "Anytime you need anything for him just ask." Erin could hear the sincerity in her voice, and it made her feel comforted, knowing that she had somebody else with Daniel's best interests at heart.

"Okay," Erin cautiously replied, "So why is there a problem?" She didn't understand where Jay was going with this conversation. He was happy to help and wanted to be there for her. Why was he still keeping her at arm's length?

Jay let out a beleaguered sigh, "I don't want you to just be with me because you were scared, Erin."

Erin looked at him in surprise. "That's not why I came to you," she saw the doubt in his eyes. "It's not! Yes, I was scared, and you were the first person that I thought of, but it's because of how I feel about you that I wanted you by my side."

Jay pursed his lips a bit, but he nodded, "Okay, maybe." He saw Erin roll her eyes at that. "Okay, maybe that's true, but, Erin, your emotional and vulnerable right now, and I don't want to take advantage of that."

Erin gave a short laugh, "Please, Jay. You are not taking advantage of me. If anything I am taking advantage of you!"

Jay sighed again, "I don't know. Maybe I'm not saying this right." He gave her a hopeful look. "Erin, I stand by what I said the other night. I am willing to wait for you. Until you are ready for this relationship, I will wait. But I want you to be sure, Erin. I can't have you and then lose you again." His eyes flashed with raw emotion, "I was hurt last time. I know you know that, but it really messed me up. I stopped believing in love, the future, of ever having a family. I don't think I can go through that again. Being with me can't be a knee-jerk reaction to thinking you were going to lose Daniel. I need it to be about us. That you love me and want to be with me."

Erin's heart twisted in sadness. She'd knew how hurt she was over their break up, but to hear Jay share how lost he had felt saddened her. She opened her mouth to object and let him know that is was different this time, but Jay stopped her. "Just take time. Two days ago, you hated my guts. Then all the sudden we are close again. You are being affectionate with me, staying here, and cooking me dinner. I love it, but I just need you to be sure."

Erin just looked at him bewildered. She knew she had ran a bit hot and cold this week, but she thought she'd made her current feelings clear. Erin took a steadying breath. She closed her eyes briefly, and tried to think about everything from Jay's perspective. It had been all about him trying to win her back on Thanksgiving. He'd put the control of their relationship in her hands. In a way, he still was putting the control with her, just with strings. Yet, she felt certain in her feelings. So many of the doubts that she'd ever had had drifted away over the last week.

"I think I am sure," she quietly spoke.

Jay looked at her with serious eyes, he nodded slightly. "Then a little time will just make us both more certain."

Erin took a deep breath, she nodded, not speaking. Erin got up from the table, wanting to put some space between her and Jay. After spending most of today daydreaming about their future, it felt like her heart was breaking. While she wanted nothing more than to pull him closer to herself, he seemed to want the opposite. She'd only made it a few steps, before Jay was at her back, his hands slowly spinning her to face him.

"Erin, stop. This is supposed to be a smart thing." He softly spoke.

She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, "Then why does it feel like you are breaking up with me?"

Jay wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug, resting his chin on her head. He rubbed her back softly, "Erin this is not a break up. I am just asking that you wait until your emotions are a little steadier before you commit to this."

A few tears slipped down her cheeks, "I am fine. My emotions are fine!"

Jay chuckled as her looked down at her, "Yeah, the tears are a sure sign of that."

"Jay!" Erin pulled away from him. She quickly swiped at the tears. Crossing her arms against her body, she looked at him with frustration. "I know you don't believe me, but I know what I want and what I need. I want you! I need you!"

Jay looked at her a light in his eyes, "You need to stop saying that."

"It's true," she quickly retorted.

Jay just stared at her, and Erin could sense his resolve weakening. She just didn't want to spend any more time apart. They'd already spent months not being where they wanted to be. As she looked up at him, she could sense the vulnerability from him. She knew she had hurt him deeply when she'd said no. She realized that his asking for a little time was his way of protecting himself. From her. She never wanted to hurt him, and she knew that taking a few weeks to allow things to settle down before they jumped back into a relationship wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Although she was confident that she knew what she wanted, she could admit that they had been on an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks.

Just as she could tell that Jay was considering relenting and throwing "space" out the window, she changed her mind. "No pressure." She quickly piped up. "Let's just take things slow and see how they go."

Jay eyed her suspiciously, "You're okay with that?"

Erin reached between them and grasped his hands with hers. "I _know_ how this is going to end." She answered confidently. She raised herself up on her toes and brushed a kiss to his cheek. Her lips brushing softly against the thick stubble on his jawline. "Today or a few weeks from now. I know."

As she pulled back, Jay let out a shaky breath, "Maybe we should lay off the kissing for a week or two, also." His breath was warm on her cheek as he kept her close.

Erin cocked an eyebrow at him. Jay was such a guy. She knew with just the tiniest bit of encouragement; Jay would throw his whole "Erin-needs-space-to-be-certain-of-her-feelings" idea right out the window. She wanted to respect his needs. Even though she now realized his idea of giving her space was really about protecting his own heart.

She smiled warmly up at him, "Yeah. That's a good idea." She took a step back from him, letting their arms drop. "You taking the couch tonight?"

It was almost comical, the look of confusion on his face. "What?"

She bent down to where Daniel was still playing on the floor. Pulling him up into her arms, she tossed a cheeky grin over her shoulder. "Not sure I can control myself with you lying so close to me. Think I might need the 'space.' What do you think?"

Jay narrowed his eyes playfully as she walked away, "I think with Daniel in between us, control is not a issue." He called out after her.

Erin laughed, and just continued into the bedroom to get Daniel ready for bed. She could hear Jay moving around the kitchen, taking care of his dishes. She sat herself down on the bed, and her eyes landed on the dresser drawer across from her. The drawer that held the ring. Her heart was beating an uneven pace, and once again her emotions were skittering all over the place. Maybe Jay had a point. She did seem to be experiencing a range of emotions lately. One minute she's overflowing with love, and the next minute she feels like she could burst out crying. She missed the days where she prided herself on keeping her feelings tapped down and hidden behind walls. She felt in control of her personal life back then. She guessed that was Jay's fault. He had pulled down those walls a long time ago, and even though she had tried to rebuild them, it was clear her emotional wall had a lot of holes.

Erin's eyes focused again on the drawer. She could see the ring inside, shining bright. She did want it. Just as much as she wanted Jay. She wanted it all. If it took a couple weeks of showing Jay that she wasn't overly emotional or having a knee-jerk reaction to the situation, then she would happily do it. Jay's not the only one who was willing to wait. He might be willing to wait for her, but she was also willing to wait for him to believe that what she felt was true.

 **Author's Note: Well, I don't love this chapter. I have been sitting on it for four days, and I even rewrote a lot of it. Finally, I just decided to post it and move on. I just couldn't figure out a way to get Erin to move out of Jay's apartment smoothly. I like my next two chapters though. They will be coming soon!**


	26. Chapter 26

Erin knew resistance was futile. The crowd surged forward, and they had little recourse but to allow it to move them with its flow. She looked over her shoulder to see Jay behind her, but a family of four had somehow gotten between them as they had exited the escalator. She gestured at the sign two stores down and started to make her way through the throng of people toward their destination. Jay must have found a way around the family because suddenly he was at her elbow, guiding her almost forcibly to the right and to the vitamin store that was their destination. A few shoppers tossed them dirty looks as they crossed against oncoming traffic, but Erin just ignored them. Finally, they reached the glass window of the health store.

"Remember that riot at the concert last spring. This. Is. Scarier." Pressed against the glass to avoid being trampled, Erin looked back at the crowded mall.

Jay laughed, "Well, it's a week before Christmas, Erin. It's crunch-time. All these last-minute shoppers are desperate to find what they need." He tossed her a curious look, "You finish all your shopping?"

Erin gave a dubious look at Jay and then the crowd, "Not a bit. Everyone's getting gift cards this year. I've been way too busy for any shopping this holiday."

It was true, too. While November had been surprisingly slow, December had been filled with case on top of case. As soon as Thanksgiving had passed, they had been loaded down with high-profile cases and this week was no different. It was a Saturday morning, and they had been chasing their current case since the wee hours of Friday morning. Yesterday had been full of vetting the victim's family members to no avail. As soon as they had gotten in Saturday morning, they'd found out that the victim had made twenty-two phone calls to the vitamin store at the mall in the last week. With no clear connection to the store, the team had drawn straws to see who was faced with heading to the mall the weekend before Christmas. Jay and Erin had lost, much to the delight of the rest of the team.

Turning, Erin casually looked through the store window. While most of the stores were filled with dozens of people and long lines, apparently, vitamins and protein powder were not high on most people's Santa's lists. Inside there were two employees visible and just three customers. A young girl about twenty was behind the register, ringing up a customer. A male employee, that Erin estimated to be in his early thirties, was helping a middle-aged couple standing by a display.

"So, who do you think we should hit up first?" Erin asked Jay.

Jay gave a discreet look into the store, then turned away, as to not make their observations too obvious. "Well, if the connection is personal, I'd say hit up the girl. He had a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he didn't have something on the side that no one has clued us into to." He let his gaze drift back to the male employee. "If this location is one of his connections to business, then that guy might be our man."

Their victim was 24-year-old Paul Bissen, son of a city council member. While he had a clean record, his family and friends had all admitted he had been acting strangely in recent weeks. His sudden frequent calling to this location had made it their only viable lead at the moment.

"How about you go and talk to the girl, and I'll distract the guy with some questions." Erin suggested. As much as she hated it, she figured Jay might have some luck with the cute young employee. Once he flashed that smile, most women, young and old, let down their guard. She gave Jay a quick smile, "Maybe I'll ask him for some help buying your Christmas present?"

Jay smirked at her, his eyes full of humor, "Oh, you're buying me protein powder for Christmas? I might need to reconsider what I got you."

Erin narrowed her eyes playfully, "I was thinking there had to be some sort of pill in there to help give you a personality."

Jay rolled his eyes at her, "Hey! I'm hilarious."

"Maybe he has something that will burst a swollen ego." Erin thought out loud.

"Whatever," Jay relented before walking in ahead of Erin, playfully elbowing her in the arm as he passed her.

Erin waited a beat before following him into the store. She meandered toward where the male employee was, while Jay got in line behind the customer checking out.

Erin watched him under her lowered eyelashes while she pretended to study a vitamin bottle. Things had been so weirdly uneventful between them the last three weeks since Thanksgiving. The holiday weekend had been filled with so many ups and downs, that it had almost been a relief to settle back into the routine of work. It had felt pretty normal, working side by side all day and all night at times. They'd laughed together, worked crime scenes, solved cases, and filled out paperwork for hours. Their partnership was great and their friendship was solid. Except it was absolutely driving Erin bonkers.

Jay was acting like her best friend. Which was great and was true, but their relationship was definitely missing something. There was no kissing or touching. There was no lingering looks from Jay or flirty comments. There was just jokes and laughter. They hung out after hours a few times, but only with the rest of the team as chaperones at Molly's.

Erin knew that Jay was working on giving her the space she hadn't even wanted, but she was over it. Three weeks of being "just friends," just wasn't cutting it for her anymore. She felt like they were on pause and she was ready to hit play and get their relationship going. Except, she wasn't sure if _Jay_ was actually ready. While he had proposed the "space" idea with Erin's needs in mind, Erin knew that it was more about Jay than her. Yes, her life had been filled with huge changes in the last few months, but she felt she saw everything with clarity now. Jay, on the other hand, seemed content with their friendship right now. He smiled warmly at her and did thoughtful little things, but he seemed satisfied with keeping her at arm's length.

It wasn't like Erin hadn't tried. She'd offered up catching a hockey game on her tv one night. Another day she had mentioned she was cooking dinner. Each time he had politely declined her invitations. "I don't want to confuse things," he quietly replied after the third invite a few days ago. They had just finished work and it was after dinnertime. Her plan had been to pick up Daniel and some Chinese for dinner. She had suggested he join them, and hadn't been truly surprised when he'd said no.

Despite his predicable refusal, Erin had looked at him frustrated, "I'm not confused, Jay." She shut her locker door with a little more force than was necessary. "I just wanted to spend time with you."

Jay just shrugged at her, "We just finished a ten-hour shift together."

Erin threw up her hands at his comment. "You know that's not what I mean."

Jay looked at her with those clear blue eyes. She could read him easily just by looking into his eyes. While Erin's heart and mind was clear, she could see confusion and uncertainty in his. Erin wasn't sure what she could do to erase that look in his eyes. His voice was low, and she could tell he didn't want to fight or argue with her. "I have plans to meet up with Will later. Maybe we can hang out this weekend." He weakly offered.

Erin had agreed and tried to push the disappoint from her face. Somehow she just knew that the weekend wouldn't happen. Sure enough, they'd caught this case, and their current weekend plans involved questioning vitamin store employees over a connection to their victim.

Erin noted that Jay had struck up a conversation with the girl at the counter. At first she had been all smiles with him, but suddenly she let out a gasp, "Not Paulie!" She let out a loud cry, and she collapsed against the counter. Looks like the connection was personal.

The male employee abandoned his sale and headed toward the register to find out what the commotion was. Erin stepped in from of him flashing her badge. "Let's talk."

Thirty minutes later, they were headed out of the store, leaving young Leslie McVey crying on the shoulder of her boss. While they still didn't have a clear suspect, they had confirmed that Paul Bissen had been cheating on his long-term girlfriend. Jay wanted to re-interview the girlfriend to find out if she really didn't know about the affair.

Pausing at the exit, Erin sniffed the air. "Hmmm…I smell Cinnabon. Want to split one?"

Jay looked at her dubiously, "You mean, we agree to split one, but you pretty much eat the entire thing?"

"Yep!" Erin said with a grin, pushing Jay into the flow of people moving passed the store. They only had to move about four stores before they saw the line of people at the food counter. Erin groaned. "This is going to take forever." She complained as they got in the long line that stretched to the toy store next door.

Jay just nodded distractedly. Erin saw that his attention was on the storefront next to the bakery. In the window was an elaborate train set. Several kids were playing with the interactive display.

"Nostalgic for your youth?" Erin questioned.

"What? No." Jay quickly replied, pulling out of his daydream. "I was just thinking that Daniel might like something like that."

Erin looked at it doubtfully. "It's kind of fancy. That would take up half my living room floor." Daniel did like watching the old-fashioned Thomas the train videos that she had found on Netflix. She just didn't know if she was down with such a complicated gift.

Jay corrected her, "Well, it's not all one set. You buy starter kits, and then there are all these different add-ons that you can purchase: bridges, connectors, depots, turntables, and more. You just have to decide if you want to go with the plastic tracks or the wooden series because those aren't interchangeable."

Open-mouthed, Erin looked at him in surprise, "I cannot believe that it took almost four years for me to find out that you are a train nerd."

Jay threw her a dirty look, "I am not a train nerd. I was just thinking about Christmas the other night, and thought it would make a nice gift for Daniel. I just did some research is all."

Erin laughed at Jay getting defensive over his train knowledge. ""It is a nice idea. Did you have a train set as a kid?"

Shaking his head, Jay looked back at the train set in the window. Their line had moved forward, and they only could see the tail end of it. Erin thought she saw a bit of wistfulness in his glance, "No. We had a little Christmas train that was set up under the Christmas tree, but we weren't allowed to play with it."

Erin wasn't quite sure what to make of that information. Jay was pretty closed mouth when talking about his relationship with his parents as kids. He told tons of stories of his mischief with his brother and crazy school antics, but he was generally closed off when it came to family matters. She knew his mom's death had been hard on him, and that his dad hadn't been there for the family. After four years, she still knew very little about his childhood. She didn't like to pry though. She felt he would share when he wanted. It was kind of like her younger years. Jay knew enough, but she really wasn't too into sharing the time in her life she had worked so hard to forget.

"Well, you are going to be setting up the track if you buy Daniel one. I've always sucked at putting together stuff like that." Erin commented matter of fact. She had been trying to think of a few toys to buy for Daniel. If Jay was going to buy him a track, maybe Erin could buy a few trains to go with it.

"Yeah?" Jay said with excitement. "You wouldn't mind?" Erin loved the way his eyes lit up at her agreement.

"Of course not! Daniel would be thrilled." She bit her lip cautiously as he thought about her next words. "He misses you. He got pretty attached over Thanksgiving. He talks about Jay-Jay-Jay all the time."

"Hmmm…" Jay didn't say anything more, just looked the other way, out at the crush of people passing them while they stood in line.

"He'd like to see you, Jay." She sighed softly, "I know we are giving each other space, but it doesn't mean you can't hang out and visit Daniel."

Jay kept his attention on the crowd for another minute, and Erin lowered her eyes in disappointment. If he didn't want to spend time with her, she thought at least he'd be willing to put some time in with Daniel. Finally, he spoke quietly, "Yeah, I miss… him, too." Something in the way he said the words, made her think that he wasn't just talking about Daniel. It might had been wishful thinking, but his averted eyes made her think that he missed her as well.

Erin was tired of waiting for Jay to agree to spend some time together off the clock, "Listen. I usually don't do the whole Christmas tree thing, but I decided I was going to do it this year since I have Daniel. Today was going to be my first chance to go and get one. As long as we get out of work at a reasonable hour, how about you come with us to pick one out?" She could see the indecision in his face. "It will be so much easier getting it up to my apartment with some help. Otherwise, I am just going to have to get Hank or Atwater to come by and help, or pay for one of those delivery services." She gave him a hopeful smile. "I'd rather it be you."

There was still some hesitancy in his voice, but he gave her a tentative nod, "Sure. That sounds fun. If this case doesn't get going."

Erin kept the excitement that she felt in her stomach pushed down. She felt like it was a huge success to get Jay to agree to a little non-work-related socializing. Even though she had used Daniel as guilt trip, she only felt partially remorseful. It had been three weeks! It was time to show Jay that she was ready for their future.

…

"Is he warm enough?" Jay questioned looking down at Daniel who clutched Erin's gloved hand.

"Yes, Jay. I made sure he has enough layers on." Erin teased. Jay had been filled with nothing but worry over Daniel since they'd met up at her apartment. Jay had insisted he drive, since he had ropes and tie downs in his car to secure the tree to the roof. Erin hadn't even thought about that, and she tried to imagine how she would have gotten a tree to her apartment if she hadn't invited Jay to tag along. It was only after he asked if Daniel was warm enough for the third time, that Erin realized this was his first excursion with a kid. Besides the one road trip to the Voight household, all their time together had been at either Erin's apartment or Jay's. She could see Jay's paranoia, and she remembered the first few times she had taken Daniel out alone. She had been full of worry and stress as well.

"It's just that its windy and freezing out here." Jay continued to lament as they headed from where they parked to the corner tree lot they had located a few blocks from Erin's place.

Erin glanced down at Daniel who was stumbling along. He hated being held and carted around everywhere lately, so she had gotten used to just holding his hand tightly and dragging or being dragged wherever they went. While he wasn't always steady in on his feet and he tended to tire quickly, the boy could move fast when he had a destination in his sight. This time it was he who was dragging her as Daniel had caught sight of the bright lights of the tree lot. Christmas had no real meaning to him, as he had been too young last year to do more than lay and look at the lights. This year, he had expressed excitement and wonder at all the colorful window displays and decorations that they saw everywhere they went. Mrs. Deante had a large tree at her house, and seeing Daniel's excitement over it had been the determining factor for today's excursion.

"Does he look cold?" Erin asked Jay.

Jay surveyed Daniel's appearance and had to admit that he looked well covered. He had a new winter coat and clunky snow boots. Even though it wasn't actually snowing today, there were still plenty of snow piles in the corners of the parking lots from the snow storm last week. The wind chill was biting cold, but jay had to admit Daniel looked well insulated. "Okay, he doesn't look cold. I just don't want him to get sick."

Erin smiled at him, "Then help me pick a perfect tree quickly, and we can get out of here."

Choosing the right tree was easier said than done. Erin had never chosen a tree for herself before. When she had stayed at Hank's, it was always something he took care of himself. Once she had been out on her own, it just seemed like too much of an effort for just a decoration. Erin wasn't even sure why she had decided on a real tree. Nowadays, most people just got the plastic fake trees and then put them away in a box when the season was up. For some reason, once the idea of a Christmas tree had taken hold in Erin's mind, she had been adamant about wanting the whole experience. Traipsing out to the lot, choosing the perfect tree, dragging it home. She couldn't wait for the smell of pine to fill her apartment.

Only problem was none of the trees seemed just right. Some were too thin, some too thick. A few had bald spots. Erin wasn't sure how tall to get either. Jay had suggested about 4 feet, but Erin wanted something a little taller if possible.

"Okay, Er. How about this one?" Jay pointed out another tree. He was now carrying Daniel who had given up his excitement over the excursion two trees ago. Jay eyeballed the tree. "It's about 6 feet tall. It's pretty rounded. I don't see any thin areas." He looked at her hopefully.

Erin circled the tree critically. "It's a good height." She glanced quickly at Jay. It's not too fat, is it? I want to put in in the corner behind the kitchen table."

Jay surveyed it, and he shook his head regretfully, "No, I don't think it will fit, but…what if you put it in front of your balcony window. It's not like you will be going out there over the next month."

Erin tried to imagine the new location in her head, "It might work." She did another lap around the tree pausing on the back side. "This isn't too big of a hole back here?"

Jay popped his head around the tree and groaned in frustration, "Erin! That's going to be facing the window. Nobody will see it!"

With all the eye of a beauty pageant judge, Erin continued to look for flaws in her tree. "Are you sure it is good enough?"

Rolling his eyes for the tenth time, Jay shrugged his shoulders at the tree. "This tree is fine. The last tree was fine, and the tree before that was good, too. They all have been great trees."

Alarm filled Erin's eyes, and she swung her head into the sea of trees. "You thought that the one a few ago was better than this one?"

Jay dropped his head back and looked to the sky. Based on his clear level of annoyance, Erin could only assume he was asking for forgiveness before he killed her. "Erin! It's not about the perfect tree. It's about the celebration and tradition. The decorating and the festiveness of it all. Nobody will notice anything." He gave her one last look, "But if you don't make a decision soon, Daniel and I are going to go wait in the car!"

She threw Jay a dirty look, but she had to agree. She never noticed the flaws in any trees she looked at. She just ooohed and aaahed about the decorations and lights that adorned them. Erin walked to stand by Jay and looked up at Daniel, "What do you think? Is this a good tree?"

Daniel lifted his head from where it rested on Jay's chest He smiled and yelled. "Tree! TREE!"

Jay grinned at her. "I think he likes this one."

Erin leaned in and rubbed her cold nose against Daniel's. "I agree. I like the TREE!"

Jay cheered loudly, with Daniel mimicking him loudly., Erin just rolled her eyes. "Hey, it's my first tree guys. I just wanted it to be perfect." She smiled at the two of them, laughing a bit at their silliness.

An elderly couple passing by stopped at the noise and smiled at Daniel who was clapping his hands as Jay held him. The older woman looked fondly at the little boy. "Oh, he's just so cute. He looks just like my grandbaby. How old is he?"

Erin looked over at the woman. "Um, he's about eighteen months." It still unnerved her that strangers would stop on the street and talk to you just because you had a baby. It happened all the time. In line at the grocery store, taking a walk. It was so weird, but she was starting to get used to it.

"Well, it looks like your family picked a perfect tree." She gave a look up and down the tree in front of them. The she refocused her attention on Daniel, "Your Mommy and Daddy did a good job little boy. Merry Christmas!" She gave them all one more smile, before moving on.

Erin saw a look of surprise freeze on Jay's face. His eyes following the elderly couple as they walked away. "I'm not his-" he lamely began to call out after them, before realizing that it didn't matter, and that the couple had already moved on.

"It happens all the time," Erin quickly responded. She pulled Daniel from Jay's arms. "It's no big deal. I just ignore it. I mean, what's the point of correcting a stranger?"

Jay stood still, just kind of staring off into the distance. "Yeah, I guess so." He finally quietly responded.

"Okay. I'm cold, Jay. Go get someone to come get our tree. I will stay here and stand guard so nobody steals our perfect tree."

Jay gave a distracted nod, before turning around. Erin watched Jay disappear into the crowd and let out a huge breath. She could see how uncomfortable the lady's comment had made Jay. She hoped he didn't get too weird about it. It really was no big deal. Daniel didn't understand what the lady was saying. He was too young to understand the concepts of mother and father. All he knew and needed to know was that Erin, Jay, Hank, and everyone else who knew him, all loved him and wanted to take care of him. Olive would be back soon, and she would take over that parental role in his life.

Olive. It was weird knowing where she was compared to the month before when they'd had no idea where she'd been hiding out. Voight had found a connection at the clinic, and they were able to keep loose tabs on Olive. Mainly they just knew she was still there. It gave Erin hope. The fact that she had lasted three weeks meant that she was probably over the worst of it. Erin didn't know how regularly Olive had been getting high, or what exactly she had been using, but the first few weeks of detox were the worst. Erin thought it was more important that Olive was hopefully talking with somebody to work through her grief. For Erin that had been the hardest part. At times, she even wondered if she had worked through it all. First Nadia and the Justin. It just seemed like grief was a permanent part of her life. Jay had been the only thing that had helped get her through it all.

Soon enough, Jay returned with a tree guy. After paying, the man and Jay strapped the thing to the top of Jay's car while Erin and Daniel gave unsolicited advice. Jay's mood seemed to have shifted, and he was quiet throughout the car ride home. He'd dragged the thing up the stairs at her apartment and then set it up in the tree stand she had bought. While he was politely responding to Erin's comments and questions, Erin could tell the comment from earlier was on his mind. He was clearly distracted and had lost a bit of his playful cheer.

Erin put on some Christmas music and dragged out a few shopping bags full of ornaments and lights. "I stopped by the store on my way home from work and grabbed as much as I could. Hopefully it's enough." She pulled out box after box of decorations.

Despite his morose demeanor, Jay laughed, "What did you do? Buy out the whole Christmas section?"

Erin sat cross legged on the couch and started opening the boxes. "Well, I didn't have anything. I wanted to make sure and have enough to fill the tree!"

"Well, you could have just gotten a smaller tree." Jay replied eyeing the near six-foot-tall tree.

Erin was defensive. "I like my tree." Although Erin had to admit now that it was inside her apartment, she probably could have gotten away with a much smaller tree. Fortunately her apartment had high ceilings. Erin passed Jay a roll of twinkle lights.

"How many of these did you get?" Jay asked her, peeking over her shoulder at the boxes.

"Umm," Erin looked around her. "I got three boxes of lights." She saw Jay make a face. "Is that not enough?"

Jay glanced at the tree and did some quick calculations. "As long as we just do the front and sides we will be fine. We won't have enough to wrap completely around the tree."

Erin was disappointed. "Well, I guess that's not that big of deal." It only took a few more minutes for them to connect all the strands of lights and wind them in a zigzag pattern on the tree. Finally, they were done.

"Do you want to put the ornaments on next, or plug it in?"

Erin clapped her hands together. "Plug it in! I can't wait to see it." She scooped Daniel up into her arms. He'd been sitting on the floor next to the tree watching their decorating attempts quite curiously. "Look Daniel. It's going to light up." She pressed his head close to hers as they stood near the tree waiting in anticipation.

"Okay. 1, 2, 3!" Jay called out from his place on the floor behind the tree. He plugged in the main cord and the room filled with the beautiful glow of lights. Jay stood up from his place behind the tree. He walked over to the wall and flipped off the light switch, causing the lit tree to be the only source of light.

Erin and Daniel were both staring up at the tree with delight and wonder. Jay came and stood next to them. She looked up at him in joy, "It's perfect. It's exactly how I imagined it."

His eyes were soft and glowing in the warm light of the tree as Jay smiled down at her. "Perfection." He quietly spoke his eyes fixated on hers. Erin's heart stuck in her throat as his handsome face was reflected in the light. Her eyes traced the curve of lips, the edge of his jaw, the line of his brow. She loved him so much. Here with him and Daniel by her side was all she needed. It was everything she had ever secretly wanted. A family and home of her own. She thought briefly of her Christmases past and a few tears found their way into her eyes.

Jay's eyes were instantly concerned. "Hey, why the tears?" He brushed a few stray drops that had made their way to her eyelashes, before winding one of his hands through the waves of hair that brushed her shoulder.

Erin looked down at Daniel's smiling face and then back at Jay's. "I'm just happy." She said. It was true, too. Her heart was strong and her mind clear. She was happy, in love, and felt safe for the first time in her life.

She saw Jay take in a steadying breath. His eyes were so serious as he looked down at her. They were so close, and Erin just needed that connection. Despite Daniel being held in her arms, she leaned toward Jay and her lips sought out his.

They touched lightly at first. Lips brushing gently in the lightest of caresses. She felt him suck in a breath, as she increased the pressure ever so slightly. Even with the brief contact, Erin's heart picked up speed. Flickers of need filled her immediately, knowing they couldn't get carried away, Erin reluctantly pulled back. Her breathing was already unsteady, and she could see from the look in Jay's eyes that he was feeling it, too.

Daniel took that moment to let out a squeal as he lunged for the tree. Erin pulled him back just in time before his chubby hands grasped a light bulb. "Whoa, there." When she turned back around, Jay had already moved across the room and turned the main lights back on. He was steadfastly avoiding her eyes, and he had moved over to the couch, to start opening ornament boxes.

Erin licked her lip, and she could still taste him on her lips. The touch may have been brief, but her passion for him had definitely been ignited. They needed to talk. Enough time had passed, and there should be nothing stopping them from being together. They both clearly wanted it. She needed Jay to understand that she was in. All in. Whatever the future brought them, she wanted to face it with Jay by her side.

"I think I'll go put Daniel to bed." Erin said. Jay looked up at her in surprise. Erin thought maybe he didn't want to be alone. Well, tough. She wanted to be alone with Jay.

"Night, buddy." Jay called out, as he brought ornaments over to the tree and began hanging them up.

Erin moved to the bedroom and began getting Daniel ready for bed. As much as she tried to hurry, kids didn't care about that. She changed his clothes, read him a book, then got him settled in his crib. When she came back around the corner, she was surprised to see that Jay had almost finished putting up the ornaments. She was a little disappointed, but then even more saddened, when she saw Jay standing in the middle of the room with his jacket already on.

"I left you a few boxes to put up, but I got most of them on there." He stumbled out, his eyes not meeting hers.

Erin took a few steps toward him, laying her hand on his arm, "I was hoping you would stay for a while. I thought we could talk."

Jay looked at her then, and she could tell he had no intention of staying. "I really think I should just go." He made a half-hearted glance at his watch, but since it was only a little after nine, he really couldn't justify saying that it was getting late.

Erin felt a wave of desperation. She looked up at him with her brow creased in concern. "Is this about that lady at the tree lot, and what she said? Was it the kiss? Is it me?" Her voice was filled with anxiety. She just couldn't handle him walking away again. Not after tonight. The moment they had shared by the light of the tree had been so perfect. He was everything she needed and wanted and just couldn't take this separation any longer.

She could see conflicted emotions flitting across his face. She reached up and gently caressed his cheek with her hand. Her voice was huskier than normal. "Please, stay. Please." She knew she was begging, but at this point, she was willing to throw her pride out the window.

"I… I can't, Erin." He shook his head, and took a few steps back. He hurriedly spoke. "I'll see you tomorrow, or, uh, Monday." Quickly he turned and practically ran out of her apartment.

Then, Erin was alone. She let out a deep exhaustive breath. It took every fiber of her being not to just chase him down and smack him on his head. Why was he so skittish? It was like he was a school boy with a crush and he was afraid to make the first move. Except Erin kept making moves, and while he couldn't resist an initial response, he was clearly not wanting anything more. It had been three freakin' weeks! How much longer was this waiting game going to be? Three weeks ago, he had promised he'd wait forever for her. Was he going to make her wait forever for him ? She wanted to kiss him, hold him. She wanted to talk to him. Not about work, their friends, or Daniel. She wanted to talk about them, their future, how important he was to her!

Erin couldn't help but think that maybe there was a part of Jay that just couldn't get passed all the hurt of before. Was he holding back because part of his heart couldn't forgive her for all those months ago. Would her initial rejection of his proposal still just be the barrier that kept them apart forever? Erin dropped her head in frustration. It couldn't be. This couldn't be the end for them. She just knew that they were it. They were forever.

Erin turned away from the door and walked back over to the tree. She reached out and ran her fingers along the edge of one golden ornament. Her tree looked beautiful, but instead of the joy it brought her earlier, right now she felt nothing but loneliness and sadness. Erin was contemplating even finishing putting on the final decorations, or just waiting until tomorrow. She'd lost all excitement and motivation for the holiday.

Suddenly her front door burst open, and Erin spun around in alarm. She saw Jay strutting quickly across her living room. As soon as he got close, he grabbed her tightly and without warning crashed his lips against hers hard. Erin was so stunned; it took a moment for her to register that Jay was kissing her. Once her mind caught up with what was going on, she eagerly wrapped her arms around him and held him tight.

Jays lips were like magic as he teased her lips open. His tongue diving into the depths of her mouth stroking and teasing in a perfect rhythm. One of his hands held the back of her head pressing her firmly to his mouth. The other hand slid down her back pulling her tight against his body. Erin allowed herself to melt against him, and lose herself in his embrace. Her own hands roamed freely along his arms and shoulders, trying to find something to grasp to hold herself up. Finally, out of breath, Jay broke contact against her lips, and pressed his forehead against hers, panting heavily.

"I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry. I just, I just…" He pulled back a bit and ran his hands through her hair, tilting her head up to his, and dipping back down to recapture her lips softly. Unable to keep it gentle, his lips immediately increased their pressure. Suddenly he broke it off and pushed her slightly away, taking a step back. "I'm sorry. I know I was trying to give you time, give you space, and I'm here and…" His breathing was ragged as his eyes frantically sought her forgiveness.

"Jay! Stop it!" Erin erased the distance between them, and reached up to grasp his shoulders. "I don't want space. I don't want time. I just want you." She lifted up on her toes and pressed her lips against his. Lips melded together in the perfect way that they had since the first time they had ever kissed. His soft lips dancing against hers in nipping and teasing motions until Erin groaned in breathless frustration. Jay's hands reached down and grasped the bottom of her sweater, and yanked it up. Erin lifted her arms and allowed Jay to pull the garment off. As soon as it was free, their lips met again. Jay's attention to her lips only lasted a few moments before he released them to journey down to her neck, pressing hot mouthed kisses along the sensitive pulse behind her ear. Erin lost her breath as she released herself to the feelings that Jay's touch aroused in her.

Her own hands moved under Jay's jacket and up his shirt, and she felt him suck in his own breath as her hands skimmed his rib cage and slipped into the waistband of his jeans. She used her grasp to pull him closer. Jay reached for her at that action and pulled her up against him hard. He bent to lift her by her hips, forcing her to wrap her legs around him. He started walking her backwards toward her bedroom, before awareness suddenly took over Erin.

"Wait! Wait! Wait, Jay." She called out, and he halted immediately, dropped her legs, so she slipped against him to the floor.

"I'm sorry." He immediately said. "I didn't mean to rush you. I was just caught up in the-"

Erin laughed and cut him off by placing her fingers lightly against his mouth, "No, it's not me. It's Daniel. He's asleep in my bedroom. His cribs in there." She ran her hands over his chest lightly, "Don't think what we have in mind would be appropriate for the toddler crowd."

Jay looked stunned for a minute, "I totally blanked on that." He laughed lightly. "Shit! How do parents ever have a second kid."

"Well, if I had known there was a possibility of this night actually ending this way, I would have moved his crib out here or to the spare room." Erin said with a grin. She bit her lip and leaned forward, allowing her hands to trail a path up his chest and around his neck to tease the short hairs at his neck. "You know, there's no reason we have to be in the bedroom." She tilted her head toward the couch.

Jay's eyes followed her gaze, "Uh, no. I'm not ravishing you on your couch."

Erin pressed her body against his seductively. "Come on. I am dying for you to ravish me." She smiled at his words. "It wouldn't be the first time we made good use of my couch." Her mind recalling a special reconnection that they had on that very couch the day she bought it.

Jay shook his head, "Yeah, but we didn't have a sleeping kid in the other room." He tried to put a little space between them, but Erin was having none of it. She'd waited long enough to have Jay in her arms, she wasn't going to be put off easily. She kept her hands firmly on his body no releasing the connection.

"Yeah, a _sleeping_ baby. I'm sure we can keep it quiet enough not to wake him." She took one fingernail and ran it along the shell of his ear, scraping gently in what she knew to be one of his sensitive areas.

Jay narrowed his eyes at her, and leaned in, his lips diving down to her own ear. His hot breath causing a shiver to spread throughout her body, a burning heat low in her belly started to spread, as he left a trail of kisses along her ear. His voice was low and hot, "Maybe, with what I want to do to you, you won't be able to stay quiet." With one last nip at her ear, Jay pulled back a satisfied grin on his face.

Erin licked her lips and smiled up at him, shaking her head slightly. "You're a tease."

"Not teasing. It's a promise." Jay replied confidently.

They locked eyes for a moment before Erin relented. "I'm moving that crib out of my bedroom in the morning. Better yet, Daniel can have a sleepover at Grandpa's tomorrow night."

Jay laughed lightly. "I like that idea. I mean, I love the guy, but I think we deserve an unrestricted reunion." He reached down and grabbed her sweater from where they'd tossed it onto the floor.

Erin's mind raced as images of what that "unrestricted reunion" might entail. Her heart beat an unsteady pace just thinking about it. Her arms shook slightly as she slipped her sweater back on.

"So…" Jay leaned forward and pressed a brief kiss to Erin's forehead. "I should probably still go then."

Erin frowned and wrapped her arms around him, "Nooo." She whined. "You can still stay the night. We can just sleep."

Jay grinned, but shook his head. "There is no way after the last ten minutes that I can lay next to you in bed and just sleep."

Erin tried to negotiate, "Well, how about you stay and we can talk a bit. I still think there's a lot we need to discuss." Her eyes grew serious for a second. "I know that there's a lot I want to tell you."

Jay looked deep into her eyes, "Yeah, there's a lot I want talk to you about, too." His hands skimmed her shoulders and arms, before grasping her hands in his. He wound his fingers through her and brought them to his lips, kissing them gently. "How about, you go ahead and have Voight watch Daniel tomorrow. I'll take you out on a nice dinner date. We can enjoy each other's company, talk, eat, and then maybe see how the night ends."

Erin nodded slightly, looking up at him with happiness in her eyes. A date. It sounded so ridiculous, but it was something they actually didn't do that often. They'd been friends for so long and then being partners at work. Most of their time together was just spent hanging out and enjoying each other's company. It just wasn't often that they planned a romantic night out.

Jay released one of her hands, and turned, walking slowly toward the door, leading Erin to follow behind him. When he got to the door, he opened it, and then turned to face her. His free hand reaching up and softly caressing her cheek, his thumb brushing against her lips.

"I thought if I distanced myself from you a bit, all these intense feelings that I have might ease up a little and give me some clarity about what the future holds for us. I thought that when you were ready for us to…to…reconnect, I'd have a clear plan to lay out in front of you. A future that might satisfy us both. I don't know if I have any answers, Erin."

Erin smiled softly, his explanation finally giving her some insight into him keeping her at arm's length. "We don't need all the answers, Jay. We just have to be willing to be open minded and talk about what we both want."

Worry crossed Jay's face. "I know, but I promised you I'd be willing to wait. Now, I'm here and I'm kissing you and asking you out."

Erin sprang forward and lay a hot, smacking kiss on his mouth. "There. Now, I am the one kissing you." She laughed at his reaction. She placed one more light kiss on his lips before placing both hands on his chest and lightly pushed him through the open door. He took a few stumbling steps backwards, but the grin on his face told her all she needed to know.

He smiled and turned to leave, "Good night, Erin." He called out taking a few steps down the hall.

Erin hung on the edge of the door, watching the man she loved walk away. Confidence in him and their relationship filled her. "Hey, Jay." She called out, and he turned around expectantly, eyebrows raised questioningly. "I love you." She plainly stated, before shutting the door between them, smiling at the open-mouthed look of shock on his face.

 **Author's Note: Happy reading! Love to all my faithful readers and reviewers.**


	27. Chapter 27

Despite all attempts to deny that her life resembled a stereotypical romantic comedy, at this moment, the scene in Erin's bedroom would have fit right in on the big screen. Numerous dresses had been modeled and discarded onto her bed under the evaluation of Kim or herself. After an afternoon finding nothing in her own closet that would satisfy her, Erin had called in for reinforcements from Kim. She had arrived her arms full of possibilities.

The black dress was too formal. The flowered dress was too summery. The red dress was deemed too slutty, although Kim actually didn't see that as too much of a real problem. Erin, while optimistically hopeful that her and Jay would finish what they started the night before, didn't want him to think that was all that was on her mind. The memory of his mouth trailing along her neck, while his hands roamed her body had led to a restless night of tossing and turning for Erin. She'd had her best friend back for the last month. Now she wanted her lover.

Erin's eyes drifted back to the red dress. Maybe that was the right choice.

"So, why is this date so important?" Kim asked from her lounging spot at the base of Erin's bed.

Erin slipped on a navy two-piece outfit. It had a short tight skirt, with a flowy over shirt that showed off most of her back. She adjusted the skirt a bit before answering. "Well, it's our first date?"

Kim raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You two have been inseparable since Thanksgiving."

Erin stood in front of her mirrored closet door studying her appearance in the dress. Her legs looked pretty good, but she wasn't sure about the top. She twisted a bit to check out the back view. "We weren't together though." Erin replied. She looked to Kim for an opinion on the dress.

Kim cocked her head to the side. "It looks better on you then it does on me, but I think I still like the red one better." Kim changed the subject back to what she was more interested in, "What do you mean you weren't together? He brings you coffee and snacks. He stares at you adoringly. You hang out all day…" she waggled her eyebrows at Erin, "…all night, too."

Erin took one last look in the mirror, before agreeing with Kim on the dress. She dug through the pile on the bed for something else. She spotted a gold sparkly dress, and held it up. Kim shook her head, "Too tacky! You'd look like a hooker." Kim replied.

"It's your own dress," Erin laughed holding up the offending clothing item.

Kim just shrugged, "Everybody has to have a few hooker dresses. I just don't think that's the look you are going for tonight. Try the dark green dress. It'll probably look good with your eyes."

Erin nodded and found the suggested dress, "Jay and I don't _hang out_ all day. We are working. It's not like we sit around flirting and discussing our personal life." She gave Kim a pointed look. "In fact, we go out of our way to not get personal on the job."

Kim snorted a bit. "Yeah, right. You forget. I'm up there every day now. I see everything."

After Thanksgiving, Kim had been promoted up to intelligence. Sadly, Antonio had taken an investigator's job at the district attorney's office and left an opening. Voight had always been impressed with Burgess's dedication, intuition, and enthusiasm and had made the offer. Erin had been sad to see Antonio go, but was happy to have another woman on the team. It had been years since it had been anyone but her and the guys. It was nice to have someone else to back her up when the testosterone levels got a little too high. Although, the downside was that Kim had a front row seat to Erin's personal life and felt entitled to discuss it with. Up 'til now, it had mainly been raised eyebrows and knowing looks, but with Erin calling her over to help with a fashion disaster, apparently, Kim felt it was open season.

Erin gave Kim a patronizing look, "You must be blind because nothing has been happening between Jay and I." She gave a beleaguered sigh, "Ab-So-Lute-Ly nothing!"

Doing a double take, Kim looked at her in disbelief. "Seriously? Nothing?" She eyed Erin suspiciously, "Cause I see you two together, and you most clearly have something going on."

"No, I mean, we are good. We aren't fighting or anything anymore, but he had thought it was a good idea to take some time and space. Think about what we really each want." Erin took a second to slip the blue dress off and pull on the green dress.

Kim eyed her. "You look like you are a bridesmaid. That dress won't work." Kim glanced back at the remaining dresses, sifting through them to see if there was one they had missed. "So? What do you want?"

Looking at her reflection in the mirror. She saw her wavy hair that Jay had wound his hands through. The pale expanse of her neck that he had set on fire with his kisses. Her lips that had been swollen from the pressure of his own. Her chest that had heaved with passion. She hadn't cared last night that her nephew had slept ten feet away. Meeting her own eyes in the mirror, Erin spoke honestly. "I want Jay."

Kim was quiet for a moment, "Then wear the red dress." She met Erin's eyes. "It will definitely get you what you want," she added solemnly.

Switching quickly back into the red dress that she had tried on earlier, Erin spun around in front of Kim. "I love it, but it's a little too revealing don't you think?" It was very short, revealing her toned legs. It fit tight all the way to her shoulders. It wrapped around her neck in a halter style, leaving her shoulders bare. The back was completely open, and small cut out in the front revealed a hint of cleavage. With that much skin showing, she knew that Jay would be unable to keep his hands off her. And that's what she wanted, right? She knew they needed to talk, but there wasn't anything that Jay could say to her that would change her mind about what she wanted. She just wanted him. In her life, in her heart, and most definitely in her bed.

"You look hot, but it's like thirty degrees outside. Do you have a coat that will look good?" Kim

Erin nodded and disappeared into her closet. She reappeared with a long black coat. "I think this will work." She slipped it on, then disappeared back into the closet for shoes. "Ummm, heels, boots, or ankle boots?" She called out.

Kim thought for a minute, "Maybe, ankle boots?" Erin reemerged wearing some low ankle boots that had high heels, and a sexy little wrap that wound around the top of the shoe. Kim let out a low whistle, "Perfect! Why do you have shoes like that? I swear I have only seen you in work boots and sneakers."

"I dress up." Erin replied indignantly. "Just not that often. It's not like I would wear this outfit into the squad room or something."

Kim laughed, "The guys would lose their minds if they ever saw you in that outfit." Kim surveyed Erin's outfit. With the high heeled boots and short dress, her legs looked amazing. The sexiness of the dress's top was hidden, but it didn't matter. She looked amazing.

"Well, there is only one guy that I want to lose his mind. I think this might do it, too." Erin made her way over to her bathroom vanity mirror and worked on touching up her make-up. She had already been partially ready before Kim had arrived. She twisted her hair into an up do, and dabbed on a little more make-up and lipstick.

"So you and Jay are gonna get down and dirty tonight. Hmmm… you know it is a school night and we have work tomorrow? Should we expect you all to be late." Kim leaned back on the bed and eyed Erin humorously.

Erin rolled her eyes. "We are just going out to a nice dinner. Maybe we will come back here for a night cap or something."

"Or something…." Kim muttered under her breath. "Well, I expect you both to be extremely tired tomorrow. Anything else, and I will be disappointed in my dress."

Erin glanced at the time, it was getting close to six. Jay was known for being prompt, so she started herding Kim out of her bedroom. "Okay. He is going to be here soon, and you need to leave."

Kim grabbed the remainder of the dresses that had not made the cut, and started walking to the door. She paused in the entry way, and looked back at Erin with a thoughtful look in her eye. "I really hope you and Jay can make this work, Erin. You two were always goals for me. I mean, as partners and detectives, I always looked up to you and Jay. You are good at your job and work so hard for the department." She looked embarrassed for a moment. "Once I started to know you two as a couple, I still admired you. Love, respect, loyalty. I know you have had a few bumps along the way, but if I ever have a guy who looks at me and treats me the way Jay does, I will know that I am the luckiest person in the world."

Erin smiled lightly at her words. She was the luckiest woman in the world. She felt like an idiot that it had taken her so long to realize it. The fact that she thought it was something she could move on from or replace was laughable now. Hearing the words from somebody outside the relationship was heart-warming. "Thanks, Kim." She reached forward and gave her a quick hug. "Thanks for everything. Now get out of-" She broke off when she heard a rapid trio of knocks on her door.

Erin's eye widened with anticipation when she realized Jay had arrived. Kim's filled with mischief. She turned from Erin and swung open the front door.

Jay leaned against the door frame, a sexy smile warming his face. A small bouquet of daisies in his hand. His relaxed stance and the soft expression, dropped immediately upon seeing Kim, and he jolted to an upright position. "Hey, uh, Kim!" He stammered out.

"Well, hell-o, Jay! You look mighty fine tonight." She scanned up and down to check out his appearance. Like Erin, Jay had clearly spiffed up for their date. He had on dark pants, a dark gray button up shirt, and a winter coat. His hair was slicked back, and he was freshly shaven. Kim wanted to laugh at these two knuckleheads. They'd been together off and on for years, and here they both were nervous like a first date.

Jay was eyeing Kim anxiously, his eyes darting past her to look for Erin. Deciding not to let the boy off the hook too easily, Kim moved passed him, stopping to whisper into his ear. "Treat her right, Halstead. She's a gem."

"I know." He replied, but said no more because as Kim had moved out of the door frame, he had got his first real look at Erin. His mouth went slack, as his eyes roamed down to her feet and then back up again. "Hey," he greeted her, his voice was warm like honey, and his eyes showed that he clearly appreciated what he could see. All questions about why Kim was there left his mind as he just looked at Erin breathlessly.

She smiled shyly at him, and took a few steps close. They locked eyes for a minute, each just happy and warm to be in each other's company. Excitement at the night to come, and pleasure at the fact that they'd get to spend it together.

Finally, Erin glanced down at the flowers that Jay still held in his hand. She looked up at him expectantly, and she raised her eyebrows questioningly. "Daisies? How'd you know they were my favorite?"

Jay narrowed his eyes humorously, "Hmmm, well I have spent the better part of the last few years by your side. I think it would be more concerning if I didn't know your favorite flower."

Erin smiled, "True, but I don't think you ever bought me flowers before." She took the bouquet from Jay's hand, missing a slightly sad look that crossed his features. She turned to walk into her living room, and then looked back over her shoulder when she saw that Jay hadn't followed her. He lingered at the door, just watching her walk away. "Aren't you going to come in?" She queried.

Jay let his eyes trail down the expanse of her legs, "Ah, I think it's a better idea that I just wait here. Might not make our reservation if I come in."

Erin smirked at him, "Really? For three weeks, you've have no issues keeping your hands off me, and now you can't control it for five minutes."

Jay just grinned at her, "I broke the seal last night. I got a taste, and I've got to admit it's almost all I have been thinking about."

Rolling her eyes, Erin disappeared into the kitchen to quickly put the flowers into a vase. As she filled it with water and quickly arranged the flowers, she noted that she had a stupid grin on her face. She couldn't help it. She was happy, she was excited, and she was filled with nervous anticipation for the night ahead.

…..

Jay lifted his glass and lightly touched it to Erin's raised glass. "To us." He met her eyes warmly, "To new beginnings."

Erin sipped her wine slowly, not really wanting to drink too much. She already felt light-headed, just being with Jay tonight. The restaurant he had chosen was amazingly romantic. The darkened room was romantically lit with soft globes of glowing lights. Erin knew that a place like this usually needed reservations weeks in advance. Erin wondered who Jay knew that had got them in tonight. Sunday nights weren't the busiest night of the week, but it also was the holiday season. She imagined he'd had to call in a favor or grease somebody's palm. Erin didn't care though. It was perfect.

Jay reached across the white linen table cloth, and grasped her hand in his. "You look amazing, tonight." His eyes had widened in appreciation when they had reached the restaurant and she had removed her coat. Once he'd got the full view of her dress, he'd been unable to keep his eyes off her. His hands, too. Their table was intimate enough, that his legs kept brushing hers.

"Well, it's been a long time since I had a reason to get all dressed up. It was fun." She gave him a teasing grin, "Obviously, Kim stopped by and helped me get ready. It was nice little bonding moment." It had been fun, too. It had been so long since Erin had had a girlfriend. Someone to confide in or talk about relationships and guys. Truly, since Nadia had lived with her. Kim was fun to be around. She had a light-heartedness to her that was refreshing. Erin knew that at some point tomorrow, Kim would corner her and press for a run down on Erin's date, and while she normally guarded her privacy, she just might share a few details.

Jay's fingers slightly stroked the back of hand. "I'm sorry that I never took you out before." He had a slight frown on his face as he looked intently at her.

Erin's brow creased in confusion, "What do you mean? We always went places."

Shaking his head, Jay gestured to the elegant room, "Not places like this. I didn't bring you flowers, plan romantic dates, allow you to get dressed up."

Erin almost laughed out loud, instead she just smiled sweetly at him. "I don't need things like this, Jay. You know that. Our time together was always good." Jay had to know that while this place was beautifully romantic, she didn't want or need this lifestyle.

"Yeah, but you deserve it. You deserve to have someone to take care of you, put out the effort, take you nice places." Jay said, and Erin could tell he wasn't convinced.

Realizing that he was actually serious, Erin squeezed his hand. "Jay! You know me better than anyone. Yes, it was fun to get dressed up tonight, and this place is amazing, but I don't care about any of that. You think I don't know that you put in the effort?" She laughed lightly, "The effort you have put into being a part of my life is immeasurable. The ways you have shown me you care over these last few years could fill this restaurant ten times over. Camping trips, nights on the couch marathoning Netflix, sharing a drink after work, and just being there for me. That's what I deserve. Not all this." She waved at the opulence of the room and her fancy attire and shook her head. She then pointed between her and Jay. "This is all I need."

Jay looked at her with a light in his eyes, "But I like the dress."

She smiled playfully at him, placing her hand gently on his knee, "I can wear the dress anytime…or not wear it."

Jay nodded slowly, "Oh-kay." He cleared his throat and took a deep gulp of his wine. She could see a slight flush spread from his neck up to his cheeks. She inwardly laughed. He was so easy.

The waiter appeared to take their order, and when he left them alone again, the sexual tension between them had eased a bit. Jay was staring at her with eyes that seemed so relaxed and comfortable. "I am glad we came out tonight. I've been thinking a lot about what went wrong at the end of summer, and I really want to fix some of that."

Erin nodded silently, kind of confused by what Jay meant when he said he wanted to fix what went wrong. He had proposed, and she had said no. They hadn't been broken, they just had been thrown off course.

She watched him glance away for a moment and take a deep breath, before looking directly into her eyes. "I was wrong, Erin. It was way too early for me to even be thinking about marriage. We hadn't really been together that long. You were in a difficult place, and I think I thought that I could fix you, or help you, by giving you this dream life, a family. All the things you'd been struggling with losing."

Erin saw regret in his eyes as he continued, "I can't believe I just walked away from you. You were hurting and I just gave up on you…on us. I didn't even try to see if there was a way we could still make this work." She could see sadness reflected in his eyes, and she could tell that regret had been weighing heavily on him.

"You were hurting, too, Jay." Erin brought up. It pained her that he was taking all the blame for what had happened between them.

"I was being stubborn. I didn't want to compromise. I was just was certain that if I wanted it enough, somehow you'd want it, too." He looked deeply into her eyes, "I'm sorry. I won't do that ever again. I know what I want, and it's what you want"

Erin blinked a few times at his words, she didn't really know what he meant. She glanced down at their entwined hands. "What do you want?"

He gave her a slight smile, "Just to be with you. Marriage isn't important. You were right. It's just a piece of paper and it doesn't have to be the way we show that we love each other. Being with each other, supporting each other, and just living life together every day is what makes a relationship."

Erin was filled with confusion. Everything Jay was saying seemed to be exactly what she had presented him with when she had rejected his marriage proposal. Why didn't hearing those words, a promise of a future together, fill her with a sense of joy? Instead, she felt a tightening in her stomach, and felt a sense of dread.

"I'm okay with not having kids, too." Jay suddenly burst out.

Erin looked at him sharply. "What? I thought you loved kids. You've always talked about having a family." It was something that Jay had openly talked about from the beginning.

Jay shrugged, "Spending time with Daniel made me realize that I don't have to be a father, to have that connection. I can be a good uncle. Maybe Will might have kids someday. Even after Olive comes back, we can still steal Daniel for a weekend here and there." She saw him sit up almost excitedly, "There is also a lot of need for mentors. I was looking at the Big Brothers of America, and they have a special program for cops called Bigs in Blue. It matches a police officer with a kid in the community. I talked with one of their organizers, and I am going to go in after the New Year and look at signing up. I think it will be really rewarding." He gave her a quick grin. "You don't have to worry about me pressuring you to do or be something you're not. Just do your thing, babe, and I'll do mine." He squeezed her hand and flashed her that smile of his that always melted her heart.

Erin was quick to school her features into a pleasant smile, that hopefully showed that she was pleased with his declarations. It seemed he had worked it all out. He had reevaluated their future, and found a way in which she didn't have to compromise one bit. He didn't need marriage. He didn't need kids. Four months ago, it was all she had wanted from him. Then, why did it feel like her heart was breaking?

 **Author's Note: Don't worry. Date Night has a part 2... coming soon.**


	28. Chapter 28

The glow of the lit Christmas tree cast a softness to Erin's dark apartment. The long shadows created in the corners of the room caused Erin to migrate closer to the tree. While it gave off no actual heat, she felt cozy and warm as she stood close to it. She allowed her mind to wander as she stood before the tree. Lost in thought, only the sounds of Jay moving around the kitchen could be heard as he making them each a drink . The opening and closing of the freezer door, the clink of ice in their glasses, and the slight thud of the bottle as he returned it to its spot. Erin wasn't actually thinking about the drink he was making; her mind was instead lost in thought of the man making the drink.

Erin had wondered why he had put off their reunion for almost three weeks, claiming time for her to "be sure on how she felt," but she now realized that Jay had taken that time to figure out how he could justify staying with her and not quite getting the dreams that he held in his heart. Tonight, he had seemed satisfied with his decisions. No need to get married or ever have kids. Apparently, those urges had been squashed, and he was content with them just being together and sharing a quiet future, just the two of them. He'd even seemed pretty excited about his plan to join Big Brothers of America.

It had surprised her, that he'd given up the idea of being a father himself. After watching him with Daniel the last month, she saw how much he seemed to have a natural talent for nurturing a child. She could easily see him with one or two of his own kids: taking care of them, being a goofball dad, and sharing "proud papa" moments with others. Maybe he'd get that being a Big Brother, but Erin didn't know if there'd be that full-time connection that Jay seemed to desire. He'd jumped so quickly into supporting and helping out with Daniel, that Erin just couldn't comprehend him changing his mind someday about wanting his own kids. No matter what he said tonight, Erin was pretty certain Jay would want to be a dad one day. Erin wanted that for him. She thought the world needed more guys like Jay, stepping up and raising the kids of the future. Open-minded men, who respected women. A man who had a good work ethic, believed in family, balanced laughter with seriousness in his life.

Erin actually felt a little sick in her stomach thinking that he would be willing to sacrifice that for her. She didn't want him to. Not that she had an overwhelming desire to get knocked-up and get stuck on desk duty for nine months, but she also knew the feeling she got when she tucked Daniel into bed. When he was curled up against her chest, his big eyes looking at her with love, she'd never felt more content and complete. She'd only had Daniel as a part of her life for two months. She couldn't imagine the bond you'd feel with a child that you had carried in your own body and given birth to. Her mind started to fill with disquieting images of her belly heavy with child, and Jay holding a tiny wrapped bundle.

Jay's arm snaked around her waist as he snuck up behind her, startling her from her daydreams. His other arm leaned over and handed her a drink, which she gratefully took. He left one arm around her stomach, holding her loosely against his body. The weight of his hand sent flutters through stomach as his action merged with her daydreams. She sucked in a quick breath and then attempted to distract herself with taking a large sip of her whiskey.

"You were kind of quiet at dinner," Jay commented. "Everything, okay?" Erin could hear a bit of concern in his voice. She had tried to hide it, but she knew she had been a bit off at dinner. After Jay's announcement, she had been distracted. Her mind instead of focusing on being in the moment with Jay, had been taking trips down memory lane.

"I'm good," Erin reassured, covering his hand that rested on her belly with her own and giving it a quick squeeze. "Just thinking a bit." She leaned back, letting her head rest on his chest, while she sipped her chilled drink.

"About anything important?" She felt him take a deep breath, and as he exhaled, she could feel his warm breath along her hair. "Is there something we need to talk about?" Jay asked, and Erin could hear caution in his tone that showed her quiet had caused him some worry.

Erin opened her mouth to speak, then shook her head, "It's not a big deal. I'm good. I promise."

Jay pulled back a bit, so he could look at her face, "Erin." He warned, "If something is bothering you, we need to talk about it. We can't avoid things like before."

"No, it's not like that." Erin tried to gently correct Jay. "I was just thinking about-" she broke off and shook her head sharply, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"Erin…" he could see Jay was getting frustrated.

"Okay, okay," she relented. "I was thinking about my exes. The other guys I have dated in my life."

Jay stiffened and dropped his arm from its place around her. He took a step back breaking the contact that had been giving her comfort. "Not expecting that, but okay." She could see that Jay's face was closed off a bit, while he tried to process her answer.

"See. I told you that you would get the wrong idea."

Jay shrugged, "Oh, come on. You tell me that while we are out on a romantic date you are thinking about other guys." Jay looked at Erin expectantly, "You have to explain."

Erin looked at him indulgently. "It's not anything like what you are worrying about." She set her glass down on the table behind her and placed both hands on Jay's chest. Her fingers stroked along his chest and neck, and she could feel the tension there. She massaged his shoulders a bit, while she looked up at him. Her eyes were smiling. "I was thinking about how utterly lucky I was to have you in my life. That the guys that came before you didn't even compare." One hand reached up to cup his cheek, and she smiled at the stubble that was rough against her palm. "The guys in my past were not all jerks, although plenty of them were, but some weren't. Some were nice guys, who seemed to care about me, and we had fun together, and all. Yet it never worked out. I never wanted it to work out. I didn't care that those relationships ended, and they moved on or I moved on."

Erin paused briefly as a slideshow of exes flashed through her mind. None left any real impression on her, there was only one face that ever caused her to lose her breath. "Losing you, even for a short time, was devastating. The idea of you moving on or me, was heart breaking. Tonight, I was just trying to figure out, what makes you so different? Why is it like this between us?"

As she had spoken, his face had begun to relax into a smile. "Cause I'm special."

She laughed lightly, and punched him in the shoulder, "I know that, but why? Why is almost magical when we are together? Why do we work when it hasn't worked with anyone else?"

Jay lifted his hands to grasp her head gently and placed a light kiss on her lips. "It just does, Er. It's the way of the world. You keep searching until your find that one person that just fits you. Then you hold on." In the glow of the tree, Jay had never looked more handsome. Erin just let all her worries and insecurities go. She just held on.

They stood there, wrapped in each other's arms for several minutes. Eyes looking toward the lights. "You still happy with your tree?" he murmured.

"I love it," she said, her voice husky. She tilted her head and raised her eyes to meet his. "I love you, too."

A small smile crossed Jay's face, and he leaned down and brushed a light kiss against her temple, "I love you, Erin." When he pulled back, she could see that his eyes held nothing but pure love.

They returned their gazes to the tree, and they both just studied the sparkling lights, hearts filled of holiday spirit and warm in their love for each other. After several minutes of just basking in the moment, Jay dipped down and brushed his lips against the soft skin behind her ear. "I love it when you wear your hair up like this," he whispered against her ear, the warmth of his breath sending a shiver along her body. His lips continued their journey down her neck, lingering over where Erin knew her pulse was rapidly beating.

Erin sucked in a breath, as Jay increased the pressure on her neck. His lips firming, his tongue tracing a pattern against the most sensitive skin. Despite the warmth of her apartment, goosebumps broke out on her skin. When he nipped a bit on her ear, she gasped, and she closed her eyes as passion started to overwhelm her.

"I think I do… want a baby… with you." Erin murmured between pants as Jay's mouth continued its assault on her neck.

"What?" Jay practically shouted, his hands dropping from her body, lifting his head instantly from where his mouth had been feasting on her throat.

Erin pulled back to face him, her eyes wide in alarm as she realized what she had said. "I, uh, I…" she stuttered, not believing she had just blurted out what she had been fantasizing about.

Jay's face twisted into confusion, "Wh-wh-what?" he repeated. "Like right now? I...uh… what, Erin?" She could see total disbelief and bewilderment all over his face as he tried to process what she had said.

Erin didn't really know what on Earth had possessed her to say what she did. She had just been thinking about Jay never getting to be a father. Thinking about him as a father. Then thinking about him as a father to her child. She'd been standing there, staring at the tree, with Jay's arms around her, and she had been envisioning the same scene a few years from now with a baby pressed up against her chest. The yearning in her heart had started to spread. His words of love, his tender kisses, and the words had just spilled out of her. Now, looking up into Jay's wide eyes, she wasn't even sure what to say to him.

"Wh-, Erin?" He just asked again, utterly confused.

Suddenly panicked, Erin walked away to the kitchen. She busied herself refilling her whiskey glass, shooting it back, and then topping it off again. Jay had stood stunned next to the tree, as she had fled to the kitchen. Now he strode quickly over and planted himself right in front of her, his hands on his hips.

"Erin. What in the world do you mean that you want to have a baby with me? You had made it clear that it wasn't something you were interested in." Erin could see a hint of anger in Jay's eyes, and it kind of confused her. She thought he might be pleased that it was something she now wanted.

"I did feel that way, but you know my perspective has changed since Daniel. I told you that." Erin replied defensively.

"I think I'd remember if you told me you wanted to have my baby." He crossed his arms against his chest.

Erin pressed her lips together in frustration. "When I said didn't want kids, it was just a few months after Justin died. I was emotional and… and … just sad. Daniel has opened my mind up to how precious and life-affirming kids can be. I get why people do it now. I understand why people sacrifice so much for their children." She looked up at him imploringly. "I kind of thought you'd be happy, Jay."

Jay just stared at her, the look on his face indecipherable. He let out a little groan of frustration himself. "Four months ago…" He took a steadying breath, "These last three weeks…" His eyes darkened at bit, and Erin could tell he didn't quite know what to say to her. He let out a deep sigh, and he closed his eyes and dropped his head. When he looked back up at her, she saw mainly confusion in his eyes. "I want to believe what you say, but when you talk about bringing kids into this world, that is …that's… forever, Erin. A lifetime commitment"

Erin's brow creased in apprehension, "I thought that's what you wanted. Us…forever. Together as a family."

Jay raised his eyebrows, "It is. It always has been. I just had accepted it wasn't something you wanted. I knew it wasn't something you were comfortable promising." He let out a shuddering breath and looked at her with a disbelieving grin starting to form on his lips. "Really? You mean this?"

Erin bit her lip, fighting her own smile. "Yeah. I kind of think I do." She shook her head sharply, and then spoke again with confidence. "Actually, no. I _know_ that I do." She stepped close to Jay and wrapped her arms around his neck, lifting up to press a warm kiss on his lips. He instantly responded, kissing her back with what could only be described as glee. The intensity of his lips ratcheted up immediately. His hands skimming down her body, over her hips, and wrapping around to press her firmly up against him. Her chest was crushed against his as their hands held each other tight. Their movements grew heated as their kissing became more intimate. Erin gasped as they broke apart to capture some air, and she placed both hands on his chest and gently pushed him back as he tried to go in for another kiss. His hands on her hips in a movement she knew signaled he was about to toss her up onto the counter."Wait, wait, wait. I don't want to actually make a baby tonight, Jay." She teased.

He chuckled a bit, but gave her a knowing grin, "Well, I think we should practice… a lot."

Erin shook her head playfully, "Not on my kitchen counter. I went to the trouble of getting a babysitter, and I am pretty sure you promised me more than just a quickie on the counter."

Laughter filled the room, and Jay took a few steps back. "Okay, then let's take this into the other room." He let his hand skip up her bare back teasingly, then trail back down her arm, before finally grasping her hand. He pulled her arm gently as he walked backward, leading her toward the bedroom. "Although with all this teasing and how long it has been, I can't guarantee round one won't be a quickie."

Erin's eyes danced with happiness and she smiled at the man she loved. The man who was hers forever. The man who would someday be the father of her children. The man who would be her husband.

Erin's feet suddenly hit the brakes, and she yanked on Jay's arm to stop his backward trajectory. Her face had gone serious, as she realized she had one more bomb to drop on Jay. He was looking at her with sudden concern. "Erin? What's wrong?"

Erin grimaced. "I need to tell you something." Alarm filled his face, and Erin knew that he thought the worst.

"Okay," Jay paused, his brow furrowing, "What's wrong?" He saw hesitation from Erin. He glanced over his shoulder toward the bedroom. "Is this too much too soon? Did you want to wait?"

"Oh, god, no." Erin corrected him adamantly. She wasn't waiting to make him hers again any longer, but she did think he needed to know everything. Despite their declarations, there was on thing that hadn't come up. She took a deep breath and tried to stammer out the truth. "I just wanted to tell you that I…I also want… I'm mean not right now. But someday. When you are ready, or I am ready. I guess when both of us are ready would be best. I mean probably before we actually do decide to have kids, but I mean, it doesn't have to be if it's not the right time. I know you said it was too early before, and I didn't want to, but I do. I do want to now, but like not right now obviously-"

"Erin!" Jay interrupted. "What on Earth are you rambling about?" His eyes searched hers as he tried to decipher her muddled explanation.

She stared up at him. It had seemed like it would be so easy to tell him. She had thought of little else over the last month, but standing in front of him, it felt to awkward to just blurt it out. His clearly bewildered look told her he had absolutely no clue what she was trying to tell him.

"Marriage," she said.

 **Author's Note: Is it kind of weird that they discussed having a baby before talking marriage? It's just how I envisioned it. Hmmm… maybe date night should have a part 3?**


	29. Chapter 29

"Marriage."

Jay stood motionless beneath Erin's hands. His eyes were frozen and devoid of any decipherable expression. If it wasn't for the fact that she could feel his heart beating rapidly under her hand, Erin might think he hadn't heard her words. Word. That word. It was what had started this whole disaster months ago. Jay's proposal had sent her world spinning and at one point, Erin had no idea if anything would ever be right again. Yet here it was. They were together and happy, and she could only see a great future in store for them.

She knew, despite his contrary declaration earlier, that marriage was something that Jay desired. He might say he didn't need or want it, but Erin had been by his side for the last three years. He looked fondly at happy couples and sad when he heard about relationships that had failed. It wasn't like they bumped into a lot of happily ever after stories in their jobs, but every once in a while, they did capture glances into the lives of people who seem to have figured it all out. She knew that was something Jay desired. It was why he had proposed in the first place. Maybe she had said no before, but she had changed a lot in the last few months. Her priorities had changed, and she had glimpsed many different ways her life might turn out. She knew the version of her future she wanted, and Jay played an integral part in that future.

Suddenly Jay seemed to snap out of the daze in which he had been stuck in. A smile played on his lips, but she could see that it didn't quite reach his eyes, "Erin. You don't have to say anything." He gave her an understanding look, "I already told you at dinner. I am happy just being with you. You say you are committed to a future with me. I don't need anything more." He leaned down and brushed a light kiss on her lips before pulling back and giving her a reassuring smile.

Erin sighed, "I know what you said. I just think that marriage it still something we should talk about."

Jay looked away in frustration. "There isn't anything more to talk about. I took it off the table. It's a nonissue." Erin could tell by the set of Jay's mouth, that he was getting annoyed.

Erin reached up and gently turned Jay's head until his blue eyes met her own. "What if I want it back on the table?" She softly replied.

She saw his breathing intensify. The rapid rise and fall of his chest and the quick inhales of breath through his nose, his mouth still in a tight line. He stared, almost glared down at her. He shook his head for a moment as a look of realization crossed his face. He grabbed her hand and led her over to the couch and sat down, pulling her down next to him.

This time he smiled at her indulgently, and Erin was almost confused by the look, "Erin, you don't have to say this. Any of this. I already told you that I have accepted that marriage and kids won't be for us. It's okay." He rested one hand on her shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. Erin could feel the heat from his hand, and it made her feel safe, even as his words puzzled her.

"But I am telling you, that I _do_ want those things." She placed her hand on top of his. "I already told you before. I was scared, afraid. Still reeling from everything that had gone down. Now that I am… in a better state, I know that I want you. I already told you I want a family, a child, with you, and I also want you for my husband."

Jay pursed his lips and his eyes looked emotional as they locked onto hers. "Erin, don't make any promises that you don't mean. Don't just say something because you are afraid of losing me. Marriage and kids aren't something that you can just change your mind on once they happen. Not for me."

Erin saw a mix of emotion in Jay's face. Fear and hope were clear as his eyes searched hers for understanding and clarity. Erin loved him even more than she thought possible at that moment. "Jay," she began. She smiled at him and reached to grasp his hands firmly in hers. "I have thought of little else over the last few months than the moment when you proposed to me. I have replayed that day over and over in my head. I've thought of dozens of different ways I could have answered you, and maybe not lost you that day. But looking back now, it was the right decision at that moment." She took a deep breath, and squeezed his hand harder, seeing the wariness that crept into his eyes at her words. "Saying no, made me take a really hard look at myself. Who I am, and what I want in life. I had to look at myself as a guardian, a mother to a child. I had to think about myself as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a woman alone. And I thought of us. Every single day I thought about the relationship we had built and what went wrong, and then later I kept thinking about the future. Our future, our children, our marriage."

Erin shifted closer until she was practically in his lap. "I am not going to change my mind. Ever. You are it for me." Her fingertips traced his face lovingly. "We are going to have an amazing future, an amazing family, and an amazing marriage. "

Jay took a shuddering breath, and closed his eyes against her touch. "I love you, Erin."

Rising up from the couch to press her lips against his, she whispered, "I love you, too."

As soon as their lips touched, Jay wrapped his arms around her, dragging her up against his body securely. He fell back against the couch settling Erin on top of him. His hands dove into her hair, releasing the pins that held her hair in its fancy up-do, causing the locks to cascade down over his shoulders. Erin moved against his chest, her fingers working the buttons on his shirt, her desire to touch him becoming overwhelming. When they could no longer do without oxygen, Erin pulled her head back to look into Jay's eyes. His lips followed hers for another kiss, but she pulled back slightly out of his reach. She balanced herself by placing one palm on the couch and pushed herself up. She placed her other hand on his chest, where she had revealed his firm skin. Her hand pressed the skin over where his heart beat rapidly. She looked at his face, his blue eyes mixed with desire and love.

"What's wrong?" He whispered breathlessly. His arm snaked up and fiddled at her neck, as he tried figure out how the halter dress was attached.

"Nothing," Erin replied chuckling lightly at his inability to figure out the dress clasp. "I just wanted to look at you." Jay gave a frustrated tug at the neck. "You'd better not rip this dress. It belongs to Kim."

Jay groaned in frustration before dropping his hand to her bare back, and caressing it sensuously. He leaned up, his upper body lifting off the couch to kiss her, but Erin leaned back just out of his reach. He fell back on the couch in defeat. "I will buy her a new one, but right now, I just want to see you…out of it."

Erin laughed huskily, a sound that Jay never tired of hearing. "There's another way to get it off. She moved suggestively against him, causing Jay to groan as all her soft parts met his hard ones. She leaned back down, collapsing against his chest, their lips meeting in a deep kiss. Jay wrapped one arm around her tightly, not willing to let her go again. His other hand skimmed down her back and over her hip until it reached the bottom of her dress which had already ridden up in their movements. It took just a slight tug and the dress was being worked up her body. Erin wiggled slightly to help its ascent, before finally breaking contact with Jay to pull the dress up, passed her chest, and over her head, before tossing it over the back of the couch. She gave a shaky sigh of desire as her bare skin made contact with Jay. Their kisses became almost frantic as Jay's hands roamed her body, and her lips explored his face, neck, and chest.

Suddenly Jay pulled back and sat up on the couch, his arms holding her, so she rose with him. Erin took the opportunity of the new position to pull the rest of his shirt that lay open off his shoulders and down his arms. Jay helped remove the garment, and Erin shifted to straddle him. Her lips moving forward to tease the sensitive juncture between his neck and collar bone. Jay's hands landed on her hip, and he readjusted her, groaning slightly as she moved against the evidence of his arousal. "Erin..." He moaned, pressing her hip more firmly against his lap. Erin writhed against him, the friction of his pants causing her to shudder with need.

"Not. On. The couch." He muttered between gasps, even as her hands made their way to his belt. "You said. Bed." He groaned as her hands deftly unbuckled his belt and slid into his pants.

"Forget what I said," Erin panted, her own need increasing as her hand made contact with heated skin. "I need you now."

This time Jay paused, his hand grabbing her wrist, and stopping her motion. He pulled back a bit, so he could look at her. His eyes traced her face and skimmed down her practically naked body, clad only in black lace underwear. It felt like forever before his eyes met hers again. "What? Jay?" She was breathless under his unrelenting perusal. She shifted restlessly.

Jay just smiled at her. "What happened to the whole 'I got a baby sitter. Not gonna do it on the couch.'"

Erin just rolled her eyes. Wanting to resume their foreplay, Erin reached for the front clasp of her bra and flicked it open. The black lace fell to the side revealing even more of her flesh. She saw Jay's eye drop to focus on her chest. His body becoming more rigid beneath her as well. She tilted her head cockily, "You still want to argue about location?"

"Hell, no." Jay replied before wrapping his arms around her, twisting her in his arms so that this time she fell back against the couch. She looked up at him grinning with success, as he divested himself of the rest of his clothes, before stretching out on top of her. "I love this couch." He declared as he settled against her.

Erin sighed in relief as his warm body fit itself against hers. God, how she'd missed him all these months. They fit together so well. There had never been any of that awkwardness between them, even their first time. Their bodies had just always fit and they had learned each other's needs and desires quickly. Even with months of being apart, Jay still knew exactly what turned her on and drove her wild. His mouth, tongue, and fingers all worked skillfully at bringing her to a passionate climax. Repeatedly they found their release in each other's arms as they were finally able to express their love with not just words but also their bodies.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Sorry that I have been absent for a bit. The holidays are a busy time for me. I've also been stuck on how I want to proceed now that they have reunited. I have one or two loose ends to tie up, but I don't think I have much more story to tell. I know some of you like those ongoing daily lives stories, but that's not my style. I am tossing around a few stories for the new year, so expect that next month. I am not making any promises, but I do plan on trying to finish this up next week. Thanks for all who review.**


	30. Chapter 30

Jay got up from his desk and slipped on his coat. Erin's watched him. He locked eyes with her for a moment, giving her a quick glance, eyebrows raised and a small smile on his face, as he followed Olinksy out of the room and down the stairs. One of Al's informants had some information about an ex-army buddy that he claims was involved in a major gun deal. Al seemed pretty doubtful about the intel, but with Jay's military background, he wanted him as backup. Erin didn't really like it when Jay went out without her on his six, but it was just something she had to deal with. It wasn't that she didn't trust him to take care of himself, but she just liked knowing she had his back. Erin let her eyes follow his path until he disappeared out of sight. She sighed softly as she watched him go.

It had been an amazing week. Since their first "official" back together date, they'd been inseparable. Long days at work, evenings spent with Daniel, and nights spent reconnecting. Not to mention the impending holiday. They'd managed to squeeze in some last-minute shopping, present wrapping, and even took Daniel to see Santa. She was tired, but she had never been happier. A dreamy smile played on her lips, her eyes still staring aimlessly at the now empty stairwell.

The sound of a throat clearing broke Erin's daydream. She was startled and blinked quickly. Kim's amused face suddenly came into focus. Erin blushed.

"He's been gone for like two minutes, Lindsay." Kim laughed.

Narrowing her eyes, Erin gave Kim a hard look. "I know. I was just thinking about something else. Got lost in thought."

"Yeah, right." Kim shook her head. "Lost in thought about how much you want Halstead is more like it."

Erin just rolled her eyes and turned her head to her computer, where she was working on filling out some paperwork. "I have no idea what you are talking about." She nonchalantly replied, lifting up some papers and double checking the information with what she saw on her screen. She prayed that Kim would decide to change the subject.

It would seem that Erin had no luck, when Kim rolled her chair over until she was right next to Erin's desk. "No, seriously. You two have been adorable all week. Jay staring at you with heart eyes and you batting your eyelashes at him all flirty. The nonstop googly eyed looks have been quite entertaining."

Erin threw down the file she was looking at. "We do not just sit around staring at each other. I've told you this before. Knock it off." She added a bit of sharpness to her voice to hopefully cover the blush she knew was staining her cheeks.

Kim leaned back in her chair and eyed Erin knowingly. "Okay, maybe you two didn't in the past too much, but trust me. This week has been so sweet; I've got a toothache. Between the longing stares, the eye sex, and meet ups in the break room for "coffee," it is amazing how either of you two ever gets any work done." Kim smiled at the look of utter embarrassment that flushed Erin's skin. "Oh, and Atwater and I have a bet about who and when someone is going to walk in on you two going at it. I've got $50 bucks it's gonna be Olinksy sometime today, so if you can make that happen for me, I'd totally appreciate it." Deciding she had appropriately embarrassed her friend, she rolled herself back over to her desk.

Erin pretended interest in her case file, even while knowing that her cheeks were flushed with mortification. She'd tried to deny that her and Jay had been acting how Kim had claimed, but the truth was, they were so ridiculously in love, that Kim was probably right. She did make a mental note to tell Jay to knock off the eyes. Erin blamed him after all. He had this manner of looking at her. His blue eyes would just focus on her in a way that just got her all hot and bothered. He didn't even have to say anything. He'd just look at her, and she'd just melt. They had to be careful though. Hank might have given them the green light, even played matchmaker a bit, but he was still their boss. If he thought that their relationship was effecting the job or the squad, he'd probably switch up their partnership or possible even something more drastic like moving one of them out of intelligence.

Kim and Erin both worked silently for another half hour before Kim broke the silence. "You two have big plans for the holiday weekend? I can't believe we have Christmas Eve and Day off. Intelligence is sure better than patrol."

Erin glanced up at Kim, "Well, we've worked holiday's before, and nothing is ever guaranteed. If the shit hits the fan, they will still call us in." Erin gave Kim a cautious look. "Just spending the weekend with family, of course. Doing the Santa thing and all with my nephew."

Kim lowered her voice despite the fact that they were alone in the squad room. "Do you actually do the family thing with Voight? Is that weird, you and Jay, hanging with your boss on the holidays?"

"It's no big deal." Erin shrugged a little bit and thought about how the holiday was going to go. Hank always had cooked a traditional Christmas dinner for as long as she could remember. Of course, once upon a time, their family unit had been larger, and often years had extended to friends of the family. This year, Erin knew it was going to be a hard one for Hank. With Justin gone, and it just being Erin and Daniel, she knew that Christmas morning wasn't going to be an easy time for him. Tomorrow for Christmas Eve, Jay's brother and his girlfriend were coming to dinner to have a little Halstead holiday dinner, but Christmas was going to be a Voight thing. Erin had convinced Jay that it was important for them to be over there all day. Presents and hanging out in the morning and helping with dinner preparations in the afternoon. Jay had been pretty doubtful about the experience, but had agreed that getting past the holidays was going to be group effort.

The afternoon flew by and soon it was evening. The guys had all returned from their different tasks, and Voight had rolled in about a half hour ago. There was a hint of anticipation in the squad room as everyone waited for the signal to go home. Nervous eyes kept glancing at Voight's closed door as files were stacked and put away, and the tops of everyone's desk became more and more empty.

Suddenly, Voight's door sprung open. He took a few steps out into the room, and everyone paused in their movements to direct their attention toward their boss.

"Well, I am surprised all of you are still even here. It's a holiday weekend. Go home, be with your families and celebrate the holiday. Provided this city doesn't fall apart over the next two days, I expect to see all of you here Monday morning at 8 a.m." Ruzek let out a loud whoop and jumped up out of his chair. Everyone else was more discreet, but cheerfully rose from their chairs. Handshakes and hugs passed from team member to team member, as final holiday greetings were given.

Erin lingered, slipping on her jacket, while she waited for Jay. He had gone into the locker room to grab some of his stuff. Hank eyed her while she straightened a few things on her desk. He stuffed his hands into his jean pockets and rocked back on his heels. "You two still planning on heading over on Sunday?" Erin could see some apprehension on his face.

"Of course. We've got Jay's thing with his family tomorrow, but then we will be over Christmas morning." Erin gave him a bright smile, "Do you need us to bring anything?"

"Just yourselves….and of course my amazing grandson." He returned the smile, and Erin could see some of the worry dissipate. Hank wasn't one for revealing his inner pain, but Erin knew that Justin's death was probably in the forefront of his mind. How could it not be? Erin hoped having Daniel to share the holiday with might bring some much-needed joy to the Voight household.

Hank gave a quick nod toward the hallway. "You two all good now? No more drama."

Erin held back the eye roll, but couldn't hide the smirk. "No more drama." She lay her hand on his arm. "A lot to do with you." It was true. Hank's advice of forgiveness and even giving her the responsibility of taking care of Daniel all are what led her back to Jay. Hank shook his head, but Erin could see a bit of pride in his face. She could tell that he was happy that he had a hand in her finding happiness. Impulsively Erin wrapped her arms around him in a quick hug. "Seriously. Thank you." She whispered against his shoulder.

He pulled back a bit to look at her in the eyes. She could see sadness in his eyes. "You deserve happiness, Erin. Take it. Enjoy it. Treasure it because you never know when-"

Both sprang apart as they heard footsteps, and they turned to see Jay emerging from the hallway. He looked uncertain, as if he wasn't quite sure what he had come in on. Despite everyone knowing their connection, it was rare for Hank to show her affection at work. Jay hesitated at the doorway unsure if he was intruding. Hank looked Jay over seriously. His lips formed a tight line, eyes assessing Jay. His voice was gruff when he finally spoke. "Take care of my girl, you hear? You take care of her."

Slightly confused, Jay just nodded. "Yeah, um, of course. Always." He looked to Erin for clarification on what was going on. Aware that something had transpired, but unsure if it was something to be concerned about.

With one more glance between the two of them, Hank disappeared into his office and shut the door behind him, closing the blinds as well. Jay cautiously made his way toward Erin. "What was that about?" He quietly asked as he met Erin in the space between their desks.

Shaking off the moment, she smiled up at Jay. "Nothing. He's just happy we are happy."

Jay frowned. "He didn't look all that happy."

Erin nodded. "It's just hard for him right now, but he's good with us." Trying to lighten the mood, she tapped his chest, "However, I'm not sure how much longer that will last if you keep giving me those eyes at work."

Jay pulled back in confusion, "What eyes? What are you talking about?" Erin pushed off his chest and walked back to her desk to gather her belongings. Jay leaned back against his desk, as Erin grabbed a few things off her desk and threw them into her bag. His brows were furrowed in concern. "I don't give you any looks."

Giving him a knowing look, she laughed, "You so give me a look."

Defensively, Jay crossed his arms, "I seriously do not know what you are talking about. I'm not looking at you any differently than I have always looked at you."

Erin tilted her head a bit, acknowledging that comment. "That's true." She left her bag at her desk and slowly made her way to where he leaned up against his desk. "You have been giving me those eyes since we met." She let a soft smile play against her lips, stopping just inches in front of him and looked up.

Exasperated, Jay shrugged. "Erin, seriously. I don't do any-" He broke off as Erin pushed up on her toes to press her lips against his, her hand snaking around his neck to pull him down to her lips. His arms immediately wrapped around her to hold her tight as he responded to her soft kisses. His warm lips moving against hers in a way that sent the blood pumping through her body. Erin smiled into the kiss, knowing that Jay was clueless to how any look from him could send her heart racing. They always had. He'd never really known the power he had over her heart.

Ending the kiss before they got too carried away, Erin rocked back on her heels and let her hand trail down his neck and chest before letting it rest on the loop of his belt. She felt a bit of possessiveness towards him and wanted to keep the contact. Her eyes looked up at his face as he slowly opened his eyes. His breathing was heavier after their brief kiss and his eyes had already darkened with desire and love. Erin bit her lip, and let out a shaky sigh. "That's the look."

She felt his arms tighten around her and pull her back against his body. "I want you so bad right now." He muttered, his eyes hooded as he ducked down to capture another kiss. This one more urgent than the last. Erin's breath was taken away as his tongue delved deep in her mouth and her hands found their way to grasp his shoulders, needing the support before she melted right in the middle of the squad room. She pressed her body firmly against his, the intimate contact only causing their kisses to deepen with passion.

"Ahem," the sound of a throat clearing caused them to spring apart breathlessly. Heads swinging simultaneously to meet the stoic face of Olinskly. "I, ah, forgot something. Don't mind me. " Erin stumbled back until her legs hit her desk. They both watched mortified as Al made his way to his desk drawer, pull out a wrapped box, and then shut the drawer. He gave them a narrowed eye look as he headed toward the stairs, pausing briefly at the top, he gave them an amused grin over his shoulder. "Merry Christmas," he called out as he descended the stairs.

Erin dropped her head into her hands. "I can't believe that just happened."

Jay chuckled lightly. "It could have been worse. It could have been Ruzek. We'd never hear the end of it. Al won't say anything. He was probably just as embarrassed as we were." He smiled at Erin, "Come on, let's go get Daniel and go home." He grabbed her arm and started propelling her towards the door. "I want to finish what we started later tonight."

Erin just shook her head, and wrapped her hand in Jay's. She couldn't believe they had allowed themselves to get so carried away at work. She blamed the eyes. He'd given her the look and she'd once again lost her mind. Suddenly her phone dinged. She reached in her pocket and pulled it out, noting it was from Kim. She tapped the button to read the message.

 _Thanks for helping me win the bet, Erin. You're the best. Merry Christmas!_

"Crap." Erin murmured.

Jay glanced over her shoulder at the message. "What's that about? What bet?"

Erin shook her head as they walked down the staircase. "Trust me. You don't want to know." Erin couldn't help but smile as she grabbed Jay's hand and they made their way out of the precinct. As much as she could pretend that it bothered her that their friends knew the details of their personal life, the truth was, she didn't care. She was happy and nothing could change that.

 **Author's Note: I know it has been forever since I wrote. I've gotten all the comments and requests for updates, but sometimes it is not that easy. Life happens. Family happens, and work happens. I'll do my best to get this story finished. I appreciate any and all who still care about this story. Thank you. Reviews do inspire, so let me know if you are still interested in reading the conclusion of this story.**


	31. Chapter 31

Erin stretched her arms over her head and yawned loudly. She swiped her arm down and across the space next to her and then frowned. The pillow and sheet next to her were cool to the touch. Rubbing her eyes, she grabbed her phone from its charging spot next to the bed. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. It was nine-thirty. She fought back another yawn. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept in so late. Ever since she'd had Daniel, sleeping past seven was considered a gift. It had been a tiring week though. Her and Jay had enjoyed many late nights this week, and while Erin wouldn't trade them for anything, she hadn't gotten a full night's sleep all week.

Suddenly Erin shot up in bed. Daniel! She scrambled out of bed and was scurrying toward the living room, when kitchen sounds hit her ears. She could hear Jay's deep voice accompanied by the sing-song babble of Daniel. She turned the corner quietly to try and watch them. Jay had Daniel up on the counter, one hand holding him securely, while the other held a large mixing bowl. Daniel was in the process of pouring a cup of something into the mixing bowl.

"Good job, Danny! You are the best helper ever!" Daniel clapped his hands in glee as Jay proceeded to start mixing the ingredients in the bowl. Him and Daniel also popped some sort of treat in their mouths as they worked.

"Good morning, boys!" Erin called out as she made her way across the living room and into the kitchen. She swooped up to Daniel and popped a kiss on forehead. He smiled with glee, and Erin chuckled at a bit of smeared chocolate on his face. She looked at Jay accusatory. "Chocolate? For breakfast?"

Jay moved to the griddle and poured his first batch of pancakes. He flashed Erin a grin, "They were for the pancakes. We had to sample them to make sure they were good." Erin rolled her eyes and wiped the chocolate off of Daniel's face. Jay moved back to her side and bent down giving her a long, slow kiss good morning.

"Hmmm," Erin murmured, as his tongue swept her mouth. She could taste the sweet flavor of the chocolate. "Tastes pretty good to me." She whispered as he pulled away grinning. His attention redirected to his pancakes. Erin reached for the bag of chocolate chips on her kitchen counter and popped one in her mouth. Daniel reached for her hand, begging for one, too. "Only because it's Christmas Eve." She said tickling his tummy before passing him two mini chips to enjoy.

They both turned their attention to Jay as he worked at flipping the pancakes. She let out a sigh of appreciation as her eyes ran the length of Jay's bare back, tilting her head a bit to catch a glimpse of his abs as they disappeared into the low waist of his gray sweatpants. "Looks pretty good, too." She commented under her breath.

Jay tossed her a look over his shoulders. His own eyes trailing down the length of her legs that were revealed by her oversized shirt. Correction, his shirt. "Nice outfit." He commented.

Erin pulled up the shirt to reveal some shorts. "I'm fully clothed." She reported.

He raised his eyebrows, "Unfortunately." He quietly responded before returning his attention to the griddle. Erin laughed and scooped up Daniel, carrying him over to his high chair to get ready to eat. If Daniel hadn't been around, Erin was pretty certain that her and Jay would have probably never left the bedroom this last week. After their tortuous time apart, their appetite for each other seemed insatiable. Erin blushed again remembering how they had been caught by Olinsky making out in the middle of the squad room floor. Erin decided to chalk that up to the holiday spirit and vowed that they weren't going bring their personal life into the squad room anymore. She gave a quick look over to where Jay was plating some pancakes. Of course, she was going to still have to find a way to get Jay to get those looks under control. They were utterly distracting and caused Erin's thoughts to wander from cases. Now that they were back together, Erin thought things would calm down a bit. Not that they'd get sick of each other, just that it wouldn't be as intense.

Jay came up behind her and deposited a plate of pancakes in front of Daniel. Erin set about cutting them into bite-sized pieces, which he rapidly started shoving into his mouth. Erin snagged a piece and popped into her mouth as well. "Yummy." She called out causing Jay to turn and flash her a grin.

A knock on her door broke their moment. Erin looked at Jay expectantly. "Your brother's not coming over until this afternoon, right?"

Jay nodded, "I'm not expecting anyone." He glanced toward the door, spatula in hand. "Want me to get it?"

Erin threw him a dirty look, "I can open my own door." Erin rolled her eyes as she walked toward the door. Jay was so overprotective sometimes. Like Erin hadn't lived on her own for almost ten years. Erin still took the precaution of glancing in the peephole. She pulled back in surprise when she saw Hank's face on the other side. Shrugging, she reached to unlock the door. Maybe Hank was feeling a little holiday-lonely and wanted to see his grandson. Erin swung the door open with a welcoming smile on her face. When she met his eyes, the smile immediately fell from her lips. The set of his lips was firm and downturned. His eyes hardened. His entire demeanor broadcasted that his arrival this morning was not going to be a pleasant visit.

Stepping aside, Erin allowed him to enter. Once he made his way into the living room, he bee lined it straight to Daniel. Bending over, he smiled at his grandson, "Morning, kiddo. That must be some tasty breakfast. You've got it all over your face." He grabbed the napkin Erin had been using and wiped some of the chocolate off his face, even as Daniel grabbed a few more bites.

Hank stood straight and gave a cursory look at Halstead, who stood awkwardly in the kitchen. Aware that he was barefoot and shirtless in his boss's daughter's kitchen, Jay shot a nervous look at Erin, but her attention was fixated on Hank.

"What's wrong, Hank? Did we catch a case?" Erin hoped that was the case, but it wasn't like Hank normally made house calls to let them know about cases. She felt her stomach turn as Hank shook his head and leveled a stare at her. "What is going on?" She questioned again.

Hank glanced back at Daniel briefly, before returning his eyes to Erin. "Nothing's wrong. It's actually good news. Olive is out of rehab. She's coming home for Christmas."

Erin felt like a semi-truck hit her full force in the chest, as she stared at Hank open-mouthed. Her eyes darting between Hank and Daniel in disbelief. Olive was coming home? Home? She was taking Daniel. Panic filled Erin and she took a deep breath.

Jay, trying to ease the tension in the room, piped up. "Already? Seems kind of quick?"

Hank swung his attention to the kitchen, and he gave Jay a dirty look, "You ain't got any clothes, Halstead?" He muttered, noting Jay's lack of attire. Jay just ignored his comment and looked expectantly at him. Voight just shrugged. "She finished a 30-day program, so I guess she's done for now."

"Where is she? Is she here? She wants Daniel?" Erin broke from her stunned silence, and looked back at the door. "We're just going to give him back to her!" Her voice raising.

"He's her child, Erin, but no. She's not here." He took a few steps toward Erin, who instinctively took a few back. She crossed her arms angrily across her chest.

"When was this all decided? I don't get any say in this?" Erin's voice rose an octave as her panic threated to overwhelm her.

"She called me this morning around eight. Let me know she was getting out. She says she will still be doing an outpatient program for a few months. Said she didn't want to go back to where she'd been crashing before. Of course, I offered her to stay with me."

Anger filled Erin, "So she can just abandon him for months, and then just walk back into his life and pretend everything is fine." Erin couldn't believe this was happening. She thought Olive would be a in a 90-day program at least. Erin didn't think 30 days was enough time to really clear your head, although she knew she'd gone cold-turkey herself when Hank had let her return to the force. Erin pushed the thought out of her mind. That wasn't the point. Erin wasn't a mother. She hadn't left her son in the middle of the night.

Shaking his head, Hank approached her again. "No, we are not going to pretend that everything is fine. I'm going to keep Daniel at Mrs. Deante's house during the day. Olive is going to get a job and keep working her program. I've already told her that trust is going to take awhile. No unsupervised time until I am sure that she has her head on straight."

Erin walked over to where Daniel still sat eating in his chair. She sat down in front of him, and picked up a few pieces of pancake to pass to Daniel. "So you are just taking him. Right now? On Christmas Eve!" Her voice was shaking, and she saw her hands were trembling, too.

"Erin," Hank began, a warning tone in his voice. "It is Christmas and he is her son. She's worked hard to get her act together to be with him. She deserves this."

Erin let out a gasp of anguish, even as she watched Daniel eat. She felt Jay move up behind her and place a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him and saw the sorrow and sadness there. A part of her had always know there would be a time when Olive took Daniel back. In her head, she knew that it was a good thing. She wanted Olive to be a good mom to Daniel. Yet, her heart hurt so much realizing that he was going to be gone.

Her voice was tight with emotion, "Well, he needs to finish his breakfast, so you will just have to wait." She scooped up another bite for Daniel, who greedily took it from her. His joy at the simple act of eating breakfast warming her heart, even as it broke into a thousand pieces. Erin refused to turn and look at Hank, even as he let out a labored breath.

"Fine," she heard him spit out. "Halstead. If you can manage to find some clothes, you can help me cart some of Daniel's stuff down to my car. We don't have to take everything, I've still got the basics, but I want to bring his favorites.

Erin felt Jay linger at her back. His hand on her shoulder squeezed slightly, and she could tell that he didn't want to leave her side. "Go," she whispered. Reluctantly Jay disappeared into the bedroom to get dressed. Without looking, she sensed Hank move close to her.

"I know you've gotten close to Daniel, Erin, but she's his mom."

"I know that!" Erin quickly snapped. She did know, that wasn't the issue. "I'm just afraid for him. What if she's not really better?" Erin spun in her chair to face Hank. "You know what life was like for me growing up. Do you know how many times my mom promised to get her shit together for me?" Her eyes blazed with anger at the memories. "And do you know how many times she kept her word? Zero!" She spun back around in her chair to look at Daniel. "He already lost his dad. He needs to have someone to depend on. He needs to know that he can trust us."

"And he can." Hank replied. "I'm not just handing him back to her. I have no intention of Olive being alone with Daniel until I am damn sure that she's gonna stay clean and sober." He tossed her a derisive look, "Won't be the first time I've had a house guest that I've made pee in a cup."

She didn't even bother looking at him after that comment. Erin reached out a mussed Daniel's curls. "He just deserves to have the best life."

"He will." Hank said. "You'd better not just disappear from his life."

Erin looked up at him at that, "Of course not."

She saw him pause for a moment, his mouth twisted as he thought of something. "Do you want to be there? When Olive comes home?"

Erin thought for a moment. She imagined Olive coming in and pulling Daniel from Erin's arms. "No. I think it is best if I stay away for today."

"Tomorrow for Christmas, though. You'll still come. It'll feel more like a holiday with all the family there."

Erin let her eyes drift towards the bedroom where Jay was getting dressed. "And Jay? Olive didn't seem like such a fan of his last time she saw him."

Hank nodded. "Halstead's still invited… as long as he is wearing a shirt." He leveled a serious look at Erin. "I know Justin had a bit of a beef with Halstead, but there's no reason that is going to continue. He's gone out of his way to support you and Daniel over the last month. I'll make sure that Olive understands Jay is welcome in my home."

Erin sniffed appreciatively, turning to look at Jay as he emerged from her bedroom. She wondered if he'd been listening at the door while they talked about him. His eyes locked with Erin's, concern filling his face. She shrugged sadly and nodded toward Hank. Erin finished feeding Daniel while Hank and Jay made trips to the car. When she finished, she started cleaning up the kitchen. Erin sadly realized that her and Jay didn't even get to indulge in the Christmas Eve chocolate chip pancakes. Tears stung her eyes as she recalled their teasing and flirty banter just a half hour ago. Their last fun, family moment, blissfully unaware of the change coming for them.

Jay returned to kitchen after several trips to Voight's car. He stepped close and murmured quietly, "You want me to clean up, while you change and get Daniel ready?" Erin nodded and passed him the dish towel. She pulled Daniel from his high chair, cringing when Hank walked over and started cleaning it off. Erin realized that Hank had been waiting to take the chair down to his car. Taking Daniel to her bedroom, she quickly cleaned him up and changed him for the day.

It only took a few minutes, and then Erin just sat with Daniel on her lap. She could hear Jay and Hank's voices in the other room, but she didn't want to leave the bedroom. She knew that as soon as she walked out there, it was over. Her time with Daniel, these precious moments of having someone love you so unconditionally, would be over. Nights spent watching him discover the world, learn and explore his surroundings, and just be adorable, were all done. Erin knew it was a good thing that his mom was back, but she just couldn't tell her heart that right now.

"Hey," Jay popped his head around the corner to check on Erin.

She looked up at him with watery eyes. "I don't want to say goodbye to him." She tearfully admitted. "He's too important to me."

Jay crossed the room to where Erin sat on the edge of the bed. He knelt down in front of her, with Daniel between them. "You have been the best part of his life for the last few months. That is important, and isn't going to go away. Just because he isn't going to live here anymore, doesn't mean that you aren't important to him. He'll still need you, Erin."

Erin let out a shuddering breath, but still tightened her hold on him. "I know." She met Jay's eyes, "I know."

"We will see him tomorrow." Jay reminded her. "Or tonight if you want. We can blow off my brother and go over to Voight's tonight, too."

Shaking her head, Erin answered, "No. Olive will want some alone time with him. I don't want to confuse him by being there as well. They need to reconnect, bond. He's going to be so excited to see his mom." She sniffed back her tears and looked down at Daniel, who seemed to sense the seriousness of the situation and was looking quietly at Erin and Jay with wide eyes. "You are going to get to see your mommy, Daniel. Your mom's at your home."

Jay leaned in and wrapped the two of them in a bear hug, "Come on, Daniel," he said. Let's get you outta here." Jay rose and offered out a hand for Erin.

She looked up at the hand, then back at Daniel. "I can't say bye. Just take him, Jay." Jay immediately shook his head, "Please. Just give him to Hank. Tell him I will call him later. I just don't want to cry in front of Daniel." Even as she spoke, her breath started coming in shaky and the tears in her eyes started to fall.

Jay reached down and pulled Daniel from her arms, "Okay. I'll be right back." He gave her the saddest look ever, before disappearing around the corner.

Erin listened to the sound of the two men moving around the apartment for a few more minutes. Then there was just silence after she heard the front door shut. The sobs she had been holding in finally broke free, and she let the tears fall unheeded. Jay was there instantly, and she felt his arms around her as he lifted her onto the bed and wrapped her up into his arms. Holding her tightly as she cried.

"Shhh, shhh," he tried to sooth her. His hands rubbing her back comfortingly, even while her tears soaked his t-shirt. After several minutes, the sobs subsided, and Erin took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself. She was grateful for Jay's presence, but rolled back a bit, so she could look at him.

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

"For what?" He whispered. "For caring about that little boy with your whole heart? I don't think that's something you should be apologizing for. You are just sad, because you are going to miss him. We both are." Jay let out a deep breath. "I kind of got attached to the little munchkin."

Erin could see that Jay's sadness wasn't just out of concern for her, but that he, too, was going to miss Daniel's presence. "It was nice having him around."

Jay nodded, "Yeah." He gave Erin a small smile and kissed her on the forehead. "He kind of got us back together, if you think about it."

Erin nodded, and felt tears filling her eyes again. Jay was right. Daniel's presence had been the catalyst that had made her see what she was missing. He had also been the one to shock Jay into seeking a reunion. Daniel had been instrumental in all the key moments in her and Jay's life the last month.

"We aren't going to walk away from him, Er. We are just taking a step back. Letting Olive and Hank navigate this next part of his life. You are still his aunt, and that's not going to change."

"What if she doesn't want me to see him?" Erin worriedly asked.

Jay pulled back and looked at Erin in disbelief. "Are you forgetting that you are the one that she left him with. Olive trusts you. More importantly, she knows that Justin trusted you and loved you. That matters. Olive isn't going to try and push you out of Daniel's life."

Erin nodded, and hoped that Jay was right. She closed her eyes and just focused on her breathing. Her head pressed against Jay's chest, and his steady heartbeat helped calm her. Many minutes had passed, and Erin could feel exhaustion overwhelming her. The emotional drain of the morning taking its toll. She could feel herself starting to drift to sleep, but wanted to say something before she nodded off. Erin lifted up a little bit on her elbows so she could see him. His face, too, was tense, yet fatigued, and she could tell he was about to fall asleep as well.

"I love you, Jay." Erin spoke quietly.

Jay blinked a few times, and offered up a sleepy, yet sad smile. "I love you, too. Always."

Erin nodded, and lay her head back on his chest. "I couldn't have done any of this without you. I couldn't handle this if you weren't here."

Jay snorted, despite his sleepy eyes, he disagreed with her. "Actually that's not true. You did do most of this without me, and you would get through this without me." He tilted her head, so he could look her in the eyes. "You are an amazing, capable, independent woman. I am lucky that you let me be by your side while you take on the world. You _could_ get through all this without me, just… being together makes it easier. Makes the hard parts not as hard."

Erin knew at that moment, if she wasn't already in love with Jay, she would have fallen head over heels. She wasn't as confident in Jay's assessment of herself, but she did agree with the end part. Being together did make the hard parts easier. While her heart was breaking from loss, she also knew that there was someone by her side that was working to rebuild her heart as well. It didn't make the pain go away, but it did remind her that love was healing. Wrapping her arms around Jay, she allowed herself to finally drift off to sleep, while listening to the beat of Jay's heart.

 **Author's Note: Glad to be back writing again. Feels pretty good. Thanks for all who reviewed last chapter. This was kind of a sad chapter for me to write. I think their little pseudo family was too cute, but I always knew that Olive would eventually come back for Daniel**. **Christmas morning in the next chapter.** **It's kind of weird to be writing about Christmas in February, but that's what I get for putting my writing on hold for two months! Hah! Reviews are always welcome.**


	32. Chapter 32

Erin slumped in the passenger side of the car, staring aimlessly out the window, as Jay maneuvered the car through the holiday traffic that was already out early this Christmas morning. A light snow had fallen over night, and the scenery looked exactly how a picture postcard of a city snow on Christmas might look, however Erin couldn't find any joy in the scene. Her heart hurt too much to focus on anything more than the pain she was feeling inside.

She still couldn't believe what had transpired in the last twenty-four hours. Olive was back, and Hank had shown up and just taken Daniel away from her. She knew it was within his right. Both of their rights. She wasn't Daniel's mother, she wasn't even a blood relative, but it still hurt. She had dropped everything when they had needed her to care for Daniel, and now that they were ready for him, it just felt like she wasn't needed anymore. And she missed him. It had only been one day but she missed him.

Last night had been difficult. After their emotional morning, they'd both taken lengthy morning naps. When they'd woke in the afternoon, Jay had tried to cancel the plans they'd made with Will and his girlfriend. Erin vetoed that decision and insisted that they still come over. Jay relented to having them stop by for drinks instead of the holiday dinner that had been planned. Erin feared she hadn't made much of an impression on Will's girlfriend, Nina. Erin had pretty much let the Halstead brothers take over hosting duties. Erin had tried to be present, but her mind had elsewhere. From the sympathetic looks from Will, she figured that Jay had updated him on what had happened. They had only stayed an hour or so, and Erin had gratefully crawled into bed as soon as they left.

Jay had tried this morning, too. He'd made her breakfast and tried to inject a little holiday cheer into the apartment. He'd had Christmas music playing, a fireplace crackling on the television, and the tree lights on, but it hadn't really mattered. Erin had put up a show of having a nice morning, but she knew she hadn't fooled Jay. Sadness had filled the quiet times in the apartment where previously laughter and giggles had been heard. Just sitting by the tree, Erin couldn't help but fixate on the pile of presents they had each bought for Daniel. Jay had tried to get her to open his present to her, but she had asked if they could wait until that night. He had been a bit disappointed, but she just explained that she was so distracted, but hoped that she'd feel better after their time at Hank's.

Erin could tell Jay was sad as well. Not just reacting to her sorrow, but feeling his own heartache. Maybe he hadn't spent as much time with Daniel, but he'd really put in an effort when he was around him. Maybe he just did it to support her, but the connection had been made. Now they were both feeling the sting of being alone.

"Are we just supposed to pretend everything is normal?" Erin suddenly spit out. "Hey, Olive. Glad to see you. I'm so happy you were able to take a break from getting high to spend the holidays with your son."

"Erin…" Jay warned. Erin just let out a frustrated sigh. She just didn't know what to say to Olive. She had left Daniel in the middle of the night, and expected Erin to take care of him, and now that she supposedly was clean, she just wanted to take him away from her.

"I can't help it! I'm bitter." Erin retorted. "I'm just really worried about him. I don't want him to get sucked back into a situation only to get hurt again."

"He's her mom, Erin." Jay said softly. "She loves him."

"Well, I think I'm the poster child for Mom's who "love" their kids but keep hurting them. I just don't want that to happen to him." Erin saw Jay give her a worried look.

They turned the corner and Jay found a spot several houses down from Hank's. He put the car in park, but left the heater running as he turned to face her. "Listen. I know this situation is far from ideal, but I think you have to give Olive a chance. You said it yourself. She was grieving, and yeah, she made some bad choices, but the fact that she realized it and has gotten herself clean is the first step to showing that she will be there for Daniel." He grabbed her hand a gave it a squeeze. "She lost Justin, too. It was the guy she loved. She dealt with it poorly, but it was devastating, I'm sure."

He paused for a second and looked solemnly into Erin's eye. "I can't imagine how I'd deal with… if you…" He couldn't finish and ended up just shrugging sadly. "I just feel for her."

Erin let out a deep sigh. "I know." She looked into Jay's understanding eyes. She didn't even want to imagine how she'd react of something happened to Jay. She'd loved and cared for Nadia and that had devastated her beyond reason, but Jay…he was her heart. "How come you are always the voice of reason? How do you do it?"

Jay smiled softly, "Just with you, babe. I know how your mind works." He gave a quick glance over his shoulder into the back seat. "Okay, we've got a boat load of presents back there, and we are about to make someone's day. Are you ready?"

Holding tightly to his hand, she whispered, "No."

Jay leaned across the seat and brushed his lips across hers softly, "Come on. Your nephew is going to be over the moon to see his auntie." He pressed his lips against hers again, this time letting the kiss deepen slightly. Erin kissed him back with a little bit more enthusiasm than she thought he was expecting. Her tongue darting into his mouth, with her hand wrapping around his neck to pull him closer. Her other hand slipped dangerously into his lap.

"Whoa," Jay pulled back, his eyes already dilating with desire. "None of that." He shook his head, "Not in front of Voight's house."

Erin just rolled her eyes, and moved to unbuckle her seatbelt. "You are so intimidated by him."

"No, I'm not." Jay frowned, "Not really. Not anymore." Erin raised her eyebrows doubtfully. "Okay, well, not as a boss. Maybe as your dad though."

Erin opened the back door and began pulling presents into her arms, "He's not my dad." She knew it was an undefinable relationship between her and Hank, but it bothered her when people made the dad comment.

Jay shrugged and gave her a pointed look, "Then why are we at his house on Christmas morning with armfuls of presents for his grandson?"

Erin just shook her head and ignored the comment. Jay knew how important Hank was to her. Maybe he'd given her a hard time here and there, but Jay knew how much Hank had done for her. She eyed Jay cautiously as they walked toward the house. Erin recalled an argument that they'd had a few months ago when they'd broken up. She remembered when Jay had questioned where her ultimate loyalties might be. With Hank or with Jay? She felt like they had made so much progress since then. With Hank encouraging them to make their relationship work, and Jay seeming to get along better with Hank, Erin wondered if that was still a discussion that needed to be had. Erin pushed the thought out of her mind as they made their way up the stairs to Hank's. She had a key, but with the uncomfortableness of the situation decided to knock.

"Here goes nothing," Jay murmured as they heard footsteps approach.

…..

Erin sat perched on the edge of the couch watching wistfully as Jay lay sprawled on the floor with Daniel. He had put together a simple wooden railway track and he and Daniel now were repeatedly running the trains along the tracks. Well, Jay was running them, Daniel was having more fun crashing into Jay's train. Regardless, the two boys were having a great time. Erin knew she could join if she wanted to. Jay had been sending her quick glances every few minutes to reassure that she was okay. He'd offered up a bright blue train for her to use, but she'd shook him off. She was pleased to watch them play together, even if their comradery gave her a twinge of jealousy. She didn't actually think it was jealously that she wasn't playing with them, more like she was jealous that she never had any father-daughter moments as a child, and neither would Daniel. He might get these moments with Jay or with Hank, here and there, but he'd never have his father.

The was a dip in the couch as Olive sat down next to her, placing a tray with coffee and Christmas cookies on the table in front of them. "Hank sent me in with these. Thought after all that unwrapping, we might need a little pick me up." Olive gave her a warm smile, but Erin could see the uncertainty behind it. The morning had been pretty awkward. Pretty much everyone had just avoided talking to each other, and instead just focused their attention and conversation around Daniel. It had worked fine as the excitement of presents and toys had occupied them, but as the morning had passed, the silences in between had started to become obvious. Erin picked up one of the mugs of coffee and a cookie, just to occupy her hands.

Olive gave her a sideways glance, before directing her attention towards the train enthusiasts on the floor. "Jay seems really good with him." Olive quietly spoke.

Erin eyed her nervously, remembering Olive's opinion of Jay last month. She just nodded in agreement and murmured a quiet, "Yeah, he is."

Olive studied them for another minute, "Hank told me that Jay helped out a lot while I was gone." She gave Erin a quick glance. "Are you two back together? I know you'd… taken a break for a while."

Erin gave a real smile now, as she looked at Jay, "Yeah, we're back together. Things are good between us."

Olive nodded and looked between the two of them, "I know it's none of my business, but what happened? Why'd you break up to begin with?"

Erin snorted a bit, and took a minute to snag another Christmas cookie from the tray. Her and Olive had never been confidantes. Even when Justin had been around, it had always been more seeing Justin's kid then spending time with his wife. She'd always thought the whole situation was just a bit forced. After all, it wasn't like Justin had meant to be with Olive long term. The girl had just gotten pregnant, and he'd decided to do the right thing. She had guessed they got along okay, but it had always seemed more about taking care of Daniel, not about really caring for each other. How was Erin supposed to know though? Who knows what went on in relationships behind closed doors. Maye the two really were in love. Olive had seemed pretty messed up after Justin's death.

Erin wasn't really a big fan of letting people into her personal life. It got so complicated when those around you were aware of what was going on behind the scenes. They asked too many questions and gave those knowing looks. Erin hated that. Still. Olive was technically family. As much as she hated it, if Erin wanted Daniel to be permanent part of her life, that meant she was going to have to build a relationship with Olive. She gave her light smile. "Oh, you know, the perfect guy, the guy I am in love, wanted to get married and have a family. So…I did what I always do: shut it down and run away."

"Ahhh," Olive gave another glance back at Jay. "And now?"

Sighing, Erin let her gaze drift back toward Daniel. "I guess I just realized running away from a chance a happiness was…pretty stupid of me."

Surprisingly, Olive suddenly gripped Erin's arm tightly. Her eyes were wide. "Hold on to happiness, Erin. You never know when it is going to be ripped from you."

Erin knew that Olive was thinking of Justin in that moment. "I know." She responded truthfully. Erin was rethinking about how Olive and Justin's relationship was. Maybe there had been more love than she thought.

At that moment, Daniel came running towards the couch, waving his train in his outstretched hand. "Tee-tee, Tee-tee." He balanced his elbows up on her knees and proudly showed her his train.

"Wow, Daniel. That is amazing!" She cooed. She showed great interest in the small train and listened attentively as he babbled incoherently about the toy. His interest was only temporary, before he turned back and waddled back to Jay, who still lay on the ground, propped up on his side, his long legs stretched out behind him. Jay eyed her cautiously. He'd been giving her those worried and caring looks all day. She appreciated the concern, but his focused attention almost made her more stressed. She was grateful when Daniel tumbled over him on his way back to the train tracks. Erin would rather watch them then be watched.

She felt Olive let out a sad sigh next to her. Erin realized that Daniel hadn't even acknowledged her when he'd brought his train over. The awkwardness returned, "Sorry about that," she said.

Olive looked at her in confusion, "Sorry about what?"

Erin gestured toward where Daniel and Jay sat playing, "Just for monopolizing his attention." She gave a sad smile, "I imagine you'd like some alone time with him."

Olive shook her head, "Don't apologize for him loving you." She let out another sigh. "I'm actually happy to see how well he connected with you…and Jay." She added. "While I was gone, I was so worried that he would feel abandoned and alone. It's nice to know that he was loved and cared for while I was gone." She gave Erin a melancholy look, "I have to admit it stings a little to know how easily I was replaced though."

"We weren't trying to replace you!" Erin quickly responded.

"I know," Olive acknowledged. "But you did… and I am grateful for that." She gave Erin a nervous look. "I really don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I was just feeling. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief, and I just felt so hopeless. I needed to escape the pain, and for a while I thought maybe Daniel would just be better off without me."

Erin took a deep breath. "I understand." She threw a sideways glance at Olive. "I mean I was really pissed at you, but I understand grief. I've been there myself." Erin's tone turned critical, "You can't ever just leave him again, Olive. If we are going to be your family, you have to talk with us. We will always be there for you, support you. Just help in any way, but you just can't disappear. Never again."

Erin continued, "I grew up in a home with a mom who was a mess. Bunny never gave me the stability and home life a kid needs. It was no way to grow up."

"I don't want that for Daniel." Olive quickly responded.

Erin nodded, "Good. Cause Daniel has something I never did have, which is a lot of other people looking out for him. You might be back, but I am still going to be in his life. Making sure that he is taken care, safe, and that nothing ever harms that." Erin's voice was harsher than she intended, but she was being honest.

Olive was a little taken aback. "I, uh, I know. I want you in his life, Erin. You are a connection to his dad. I don't want him to ever forget about Justin, and you and Hank are the best way to ensure that." Olive gave another look towards Daniel. Jay had given up the pretense of not listening to them, and was openly observing their conversation. "I mean, your kids will basically be his cousins."

Erin looked at Olive seriously, trying to determine if she meant all that she said. That she really did want Erin to be a part of Daniel's life permanently. She tried to ignore the flutter in her stomach at the comment about her own kids. The idea was still so foreign to her, despite what her heart had decided.

"Family is what we are then." She leveled Olive with a serious look and a shake of her head. "Family fights. We don't always agree and we certainly mess up, but there's something we also do." She grabbed Olive's hand, and she could see the surprise on the other woman's face. "We protect and we forgive."

Olive's eyes filled with tears, and she impulsively leaned in a gave Erin a hug. Erin patted her gently on the back locked eyes with Jay over Olive's shoulder. He was giving her a slightly confused look, his eyebrow raised questioningly. She just gave him a small smile to let him know everything was okay.

Hank took that moment to emerge from the kitchen. Erin and Olive broke apart, and Hank looked mildly surprised to see them embracing. Noting that no one seemed angry, he just walked past the couch, snagging the last Christmas cookie along the way and settled into his chair near Olive. "Danny Boy! Come show me that train that Jay got you."

Daniel, always excited to share with his grandpa, eagerly made his way to the chair. He proudly shared his new toy, this time dividing his attention between both Hank and Olive. Erin could see that Olive was excited that Daniel was including her in his excitement. Kids were resilient, and Erin knew that Olive would be his entire world soon enough. Her heart was saddened a bit, knowing that she held that place for a short time.

Deciding she needed a little space, she stood and grabbed the tray of empty cookies and half-drunk coffee and headed into the kitchen. Dropping the tray on the table, she moved to the kitchen window, where she could look at the freshly fallen snow in Hank's backyard.

"Hey," she quietly heard from behind her. Jay's arms wrapped around her waist, and he brushed a kiss on her cheek, before resting his chin on top of her head. She wasn't surprised by his appearance. Jay was always looking out of her. They both stood silently looking out at the snowy yard. She could feel his steady breathing against her back and gained comfort from his presence.

She lay her hand on top of his and squeezed gently, "I'm doing fine." She said, answering his unspoken question.

"I know you are fine. I just still wanted to check up on you." She could feel his warm breath on her cheek as he leaned down and kissed the side of her face once more. She was reminded again of just how much she loved this man, and how happy she was that he was always going to be hers.

Impulsively, Erin spun around in his arms and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him down for a real kiss. Her lips found his and he eagerly responded. Erin was happy that the sad feelings that had been encroaching were now replaced with more pleasant feelings. Wanting more, Erin's hands slid down his back, cupping his butt, bringing him flush against her soft body. Jay stifled a groan at the contact. Taking a step into her, Erin's back bumped against the sink, as Jay dipped down, pressing against her sensually. Her body gave an involuntary shudder. She may have started this interlude, but Jay certainly knew how to take it to the next level. His tongue mimicked the movement, she knew the rest of his body wanted to replicate. A pulsating rhythm, in and out of her mouth, that had her fingers inching their way toward his belt buckle.

"Not in my kitchen, please." They pushed apart as Voight's gruff voice broke through their heated senses.

Erin ducked out Jay's arms and stepped toward Hank. She was only partially embarrassed. Yeah, she just got caught making out with her boyfriend in her boss's kitchen, but at the same time, it was Christmas, and she was spending the holiday with her family and the man she loved. If she wanted to give him a kiss, so be it. Voight stood, arms crossed, with an annoyed look on his face.

Erin gave Hank an innocent smile, "We thought we saw some mistletoe." Hank's eyes drifted toward the empty ceiling. Erin followed his line of sight. "Guess we were mistaken," she shrugged.

Jay had kept his back to the two for a moment, as he had tried regain his composure. He now swung around, "So what can we do to help with dinner?"

Hank eyed the two of them in mock annoyance, "Well, if you two can keep your hands off each other, I could use some help with the potatoes and vegetables." He gestured toward the knives. "Jay, how about you occupy your hands with some of those instead of Erin's ass and get chopping."

"Hank!" Erin objected, but Voight just shook his head.

"I know, I know. You two are together and all, and…I think that is probably the best thing for the both of you. You _are_ good for each other. But…" he leveled them both with a stern look. "If you want to stay on as partners in my squad, it's probably best that I don't see you two sucking face at every opportunity." He opened the fridge and started pulling out bags of vegetables.

"It is Christmas." Erin muttered under her breath, even as Jay shot her a look that clearly said to shut up.

Hank pretended that he didn't hear her and continued with his meal preparation. He started washing vegetables before motioning for Erin to take over. Wisely, Jay grabbed a knife and began to cut the cleaned veggies. Erin and Jay exchanged looks while Voight stood behind them supervising. After a few minutes, seemingly satisfied that they weren't going to give up vegetable preparation and starting making out again, he stepped up and placed a hand on the back of both their necks. "I'm happy for you both." He squeezed gently, and then dropped his hands. "I'm going to go spend some time with my grandson. Be good." He warned them.

After he left, Erin turned off the water and let out a low chuckle. She turned to face Jay, her hip resting on the sink. Hands still damp, she grabbed Jay by the belt loops and pulled him toward her. He jerked back a bit, as her wet hand slid under his t-shirt and skimmed along his abdomen.

He finally faced her, knife in one hand, and took a few steps back and away from Erin. "Did you not hear, Voight?" His eyes had a hint of panic in them.

Erin's eyes, on the other hand, had a twinkle in them, "Yes. I heard him say he was happy for us, then… he said something about you… making me… feel good." She lifted her hands back to his belt loops and tugged gently.

Jay raised his hands as if in surrender. "You know damn well that is not what he said or meant about being good."

Playing with Jay's belt buckle, then teasing her hand a little lower, Erin licked her lips and narrowed her eyes, "Hmmm. It's all about interpretation."

"Erin!" He swatted her hand away. "He's my boss! I'm not going to _do_ you in his kitchen on Christmas!" The indignation on his face made Erin grin.

"Maybe that's what I want for my Christmas present," she whispered seductively. She yanked on his belt, pulling him closer to her. Erin had to bite down on her lip to keep from smiling as a wide-eyed Jay sent a furtive look toward the kitchen door. "You're so cute." Erin raised up on her tiptoes and popped a quick kiss on Jay's lips before shoving him away. She turned back to the sink and continued scrubbing potatoes, laughing lightly.

Jay shook his head at her, pointing the knife he was still holding her way. "You. Are. Not. Funny."

Erin smirked at him. "I'm a little funny."

Jay resumed his spot next to her, shaking his head a bit. "You know he is my boss and can still fire me."

Erin rolled her eyes as she passed him a potato. "He's not going to fire you for kissing me."

Jay made some sort of strangled sound, "Yeah. That's what you were trying to do. Kiss me."

Erin chuckled a bit, "I was just happy. I wanted some… attention."

Giving her a sideways look, Jay spoke quietly. "Tonight, when we get home, I am going to give you all the attention you can handle. But I might just have to pay you back a little bit for this stunt."

Erin just flashed him a grin and continued cleaning vegetables. There was a lightness to her heart right now. She had been so sad and worried about losing Daniel and seeing him with his mom, but it felt okay to be here today. Some awkwardness and sadness still lingered, but it also felt like family. She could hear laughter and joyful noises coming from the living room, and it made her heart warm. Daniel was happy. Hank had his family. Olive was clean, and Erin had Jay. Maybe things would all work out for the best, and everyone would get exactly what they desired. Could life really work out like that?

 **Author's Note: Thanks for all who have continued reading, and a few new readers who just discovered this story. Welcome! I'm still debating if I want to do a private Christmas celebration between the two of them. I kind of want to move on from the holiday, but feel like they might need the moment.**


	33. Chapter 33

Erin let out a shuddering sigh before allowing her body to drop limply onto Jay's naked chest. She took several deep breaths, the movement of her own chest in unison with his. Erin felt Jay's hand sweep her damp hair to the side, before his fingers trailed down her bare back languidly. She could feel the rapid beat of Jay's heart start to slow to a steadier pace, even as her own breathing returned to normal.

She felt Jay take another deep breath before his deep voice murmured a drawn out, "Merrrry Chrisssstmas to meee."

Erin lifted her cheek from his chest and allowed him a sleepy smile, "It definitely felt pretty merry didn't it."

He grinned at her before gripping her waist lightly and pulling her up his body a bit to press his lips against hers. "Very merry." His lips applied enough pressure to almost reignite the passion that had just been satisfied moments earlier. Erin felt her heart pick back up a beat as his mouth moved across her cheek to brush along her ear. She could feel the heat of his breath as he brushed light kisses along the rim of her ear. "You really like them?" he asked.

Erin met his soft eyes, "Of course. They're beautiful." She gave him another kiss on the lips, while one hand reaching up to gently run along the edge of one of the cuff earrings Jay had given her an hour earlier. It had been a beautiful gift. She sighed happily and lay her head back on his chest, her thoughts drifting to remember their private Christmas celebration.

After an emotional day at Hank's, it had been a relief to finally be back home. They had sat on the couch with only the Christmas tree lights on and exchanged their gifts to one another. Erin had given Jay a watch she knew he had coveted all year. His eyes had lit up as he explained all the features that he loved about it. He had gifted her with the beautiful earrings that now adorned her ears. A difficult day had ended with romance and passion and it couldn't have been more perfect.

Except there had a been a moment.

A brief moment, when she had unwrapped the gold paper from the small box Jay had handed her, to see a dark velvet box that had made her heart stop. She'd flashbacked to six months earlier when he had last presented her a similar offering that had sent her into a panic that had almost ended their entire relationship. When she'd opened the box with slightly shaky hands, she hadn't known if it was sadness or relief that was stronger in her heart when she saw the diamond cuff earrings nestled against the black velvet. She had smiled appreciatively, and allowed Jay put the diamond earrings on her. They'd made love right on the couch under the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree.

It had been perfect, but there had been that tiny thought lingering in the back of her head. What if it had been the ring? Erin knew she loved Jay, and she wanted to spend forever with him, but was now the right time? Apparently, Jay didn't think it was the right time, as the box had contained earrings instead of a ring, but it still was on Erin's mind. Had he thought about it? Was it still part of his current plan? Were they ready for that step? What _was_ the next step in their relationship? Was it like they were starting over, or just picking back up where they had left off. Had they been together for years, or just a few weeks? It felt like no time had passed to Erin, but did Jay feel the same?

Jay's hand had continued to gently stroke her back while her mind drifted. "You okay?" he murmured, "You kind of got quiet there for a moment."

Erin folded her hands on Jay's chest and propped her chin on them before looking up at Jay with a soft smile, "I was just thinking about a present I want you to give me."

Jay cocked an eyebrow questioningly, "That's not how it is supposed to work. You don't get to ask for a present. You get what you get and say _thank you_." He ruffled her hair playfully before tapping on the earrings gently.

Erin smirked at him, "Pretty sure I thanked you out on the couch and then again in here." She wiggled suggestively against him, "Pretty sure you were appreciative of my thanks, too."

He rolled his eyes at her, but she could see the laughter, "Well, yeah, I appreciated your enthusiastic thanks. In fact, you can thank me that way anytime." Jay's face grew serious just a bit, and she could see some worry in his eyes. "Did you want something else though? I mean… I know you aren't a big jewelry person, but I know you like earrings…" His voice trailed off as his forehead crinkled in concern.

Erin reach a hand out to press a finger against his lips, "No! I love them. I …love you. I just also had another gift that I wanted to get from you... or give to you, I guess." She furrowed her brow, "I mean, it's for both of us, but not really a gift. Although it'd be a great present if you agree-"

"Erin!" Jay interrupted, brushing aside her finger, "What are you rambling about?"

Erin hesitated now, second guessing her first instincts. She knew what she wanted, but were they on the same page? "I want…I…" She looked up at his questioning eyes, then looked away. "I…I wanted… um..."

"Erin? What's wrong? What's on your mind?" Jay reached out and caressed her cheek, "You know you can talk to me about anything."

"I want you to move in with me," she blurted out. She looked at him with wide and hopeful eyes. Maybe they weren't ready to put a ring on it, but Erin wanted him here with her every day.

"Oh!" was Jay's startled reply. He pulled back slightly in shock. His mouth dropping open in surprise.

Since she was still half laying on top of him, she could feel the sudden stiffness in his body as her words sank in. Tension filled his body, and she saw doubt and uncertainty all over his face. Regret for her impulsive request, she rolled off him, grabbing a blanket off the edge of the bed and standing to wrap herself in it. Taking his hesitation as dissent, she took a deep breath, and started to turn away from him.

"Wait, wait, wait..." Jay lunged across the bed to grab her arm. He firmly pulled her back towards the bed, continuing to pull until she was forced to climb back on the bed. He sat up, resting his back against the headboard, and grabbed a sheet to cover himself.

Erin somewhat reluctantly settled next to him cross-legged. She refused to meet his eyes as she felt too vulnerable. She couldn't believe she had just blurted that out. She did want Jay to move in. She had planned on suggesting it to him in the New Year, but after everything they had gone through, she had felt like she didn't want to spend another minute apart. It wasn't because she had thought for a moment he was going to propose. It had nothing to do with that, she told herself.

He reached out and tipped her chin up, so that her eyes met his. "You can't drop that on me then run away. You have to give me a chance to at least answer you."

Erin narrowed her eyes at him, "Your body's instinctive reaction said enough, trust me."

Jay shook his head a bit, shaking off her comment. "In my defense, I was just laying here enjoying the afterglow of having great Christmas sex with my girlfriend. My body's response time could justifiably be off." He smiled warmly at her, trying to tease her a bit to lighten the now serious mood in the room.

"Jay," Erin shook her head a bit, "It's okay if you don't want to move in. I mean, I want you to, but I understand if you aren't not ready. We've only been back together a few weeks."

Jay made a tsking sound with his voice, "Uh, Uh. No, that's not it." He reached out and ran his hand along her cheek before dropping his hand to rest on top of where her hand lay. "As far as I am concerned, we have been involved for almost four years. It's not about it being too soon for us," He paused briefly before squeezing her hand, "but I do worry that it's too soon for you." Erin could see concern on his face once more.

"What do you mean, too soon for me?" Erin asked, confused.

Jay opened his mouth to speak, before shutting it and shaking his head, "Don't get mad, but I'm just worried that you want to replace Daniel with me. He just left, and now you want me to move in. Are you sure it's what you really want and not just you not wanting to be alone?"

Realization dawned on Erin, and she tried to look at things from Jay's perspective. Yes, she was still sad about saying good-bye to Daniel. Her heart hurt, just thinking about it. She felt better about the situation after spending the day with Olive, Hank, and Daniel, but she couldn't deny how much she was going to miss that little boy. Jay did make losing Daniel better, but Jay also made her feel so many other things as well. He made her feel safe, excited, loved, nervous. He made her want to make him happy. He made her want to be a better person. He made her think about a future, a family, a life. He wasn't a replacement for her nephew, his place in her heart was completely different.

"I want you." Erin answered him. "I want you here with me because I love you. Every day I love you, and so I don't want to spend any days without you." She leaned toward him and cupped his face in her hands. She brushed a soft kiss across his mouth and whispered against his lips. "We lost so much time already, I don't want to waste another second."

As she pulled back away, she could still see a bit of hesitancy in his eyes, she fought back the sadness in her heart. She had known it would be a hard journey back to where they had been. They had both hurt each other so much over the last few months. Maybe it was too soon. "It's okay if you aren't ready. I'm happy with things the way they are, too. Let's just table it for a future conversation." She pulled back a bit, trying not to let Jay see her hurt.

"Uh, uh." Jay placed both his hands on her thighs, preventing her from scooting back. "No take backs." His usual grin had reappeared on his face.

Erin smirked at his look, "No, seriously. It's no big deal. Now. Later. We'll get there when we are both ready."

Jay smacked his lips and pressed his hands more firmly on her thighs, "Are you done? Can I answer you yet?" Erin could feel the heat from his hands passing though the thin blanket to her bare legs. His fingers massaged her legs, and Erin could feel herself getting distracted from their movement. She shook off her thoughts and refocused on her attention on him. Noting, his eyes, too, were on where his thumbs stroked on her inner thighs.

"Um, Jay." She prompted.

"Uhh…yeah…" His eyes were hooded slightly as thumbs inched up on her leg. He glanced back up. "Oh, yeah. My answer." Instead of answering her, he tightened his grip and lifted her up dragged her on top of him to straddle his waist. Erin squealed as she lost her hold on the blanket and it ended up tangled around her legs. "Hmmm…nice." Jay was distracted once again as her breasts and bare belly were revealed. His hands left her thighs to roam and caress the exposed skin. He pulled her down for a hard kiss while his hands slid around her butt to press her onto him firmly. He let out a groan of appreciation as her bare chest brushed against his.

Erin was so lost in his kisses that she forgot he had never really answered her. Jay flipped her onto her back and pressed himself firmly against her, kicking the blankets and sheets out of the way until there was nothing but heat between them. Their kisses became more and more intense and frantic. He shifted and she could feel him at her entrance, then he stopped. Erin arched up against him wanting to feel him inside her. Jay broke off their kiss and whispered into to her ear, "Say it again."

"What?" Erin was lost in passion and didn't understand what Jay was asking. She pushed against his back, trying to get him to move where she wanted.

He pressed against her most sensitive spot, but still didn't give her exactly what she wanted, "Ask me again." He whispered. Jay pulled up a bit, and Erin looked up at him with desired filled eyes, and was startled by the sheer love she saw shining in his eyes. "Ask me again, Erin." He repeated, dipping down and pressing a hot kiss against her neck.

Realization finally dawned on her, and Erin smiled with both love and desire. "Will you move in with me, Jay." She smiled in anticipation.

A grin broke out on Jay's face, and she felt him slowly breech her entrance, "Oh, yeah. I'm in. I'm all in."

"You're so cheesy." She muttered, and she shook her head at his double-entendre, even as she groaned with relief as she felt Jay finally fill her. He was so corny, but god how she loved him…and what he did to her body. She felt the rumble of his laughter against her body, even as he began a rhythm that took all rational thought from her head and only allowed her to think of him, her, and their pleasure. As they each raced their way to their release, they were happy and content with life and with each other.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Well that's it for Christmas. I have New Years Eve planned and then if might be the end unless a new story idea pops into my head. Hope you enjoy this belated Christmas present. I can't do full on smut, but tried to tease enough of what I'm comfortable writing. Enjoy!**


	34. Chapter 34

"Here's to Jay being a kept man!" Atwater called out to the table, raising his beer for a toast. Erin narrowed her eyes at him and gave him an evil glare, but couldn't keep up the face. She clinked glasses with the table and shook her head at him.

"Well, Jay being a kept man, certainly worked out in your favor." Erin commented cheekily.

Kevin saluted her, "And for that I am thankful."

It really had all worked out unbelievably well. After asking Jay to move in on Christmas, he had been excited and then worried. After his failure to buy anything over the summer, he had ended up signing another year lease. He was in at his place until next September. Atwater had happened to overhear his discussion and had offered to take on Jay's lease. Kevin had been looking to move out for a while, but still wanted to be pretty close to his mom, so he could help out with his brother and sister. Jay's place was only a ten-minute drive from his childhood home, so it was pretty perfect. Jay had moved out leaving most his furniture for Kevin. Since Erin's place was already furnished and Kevin didn't really have anything, he was grateful. It had only ended up taking about 4 trips, and Jay was moved into her place.

Kevin and Jay started teasing each other about the color of Jay's old apartment and Erin had to agree with Kevin horror at the mustardy yellow walls. Kevin was trying to convince Jay as "landlord" to repaint. Jay offered up to paint it a nice lime or peach. Erin laughed at Jay and Kevin's antics, and then headed to the bar to try and get the next round of requested drinks. It was New Year's Eve and the team had been lucky to get out earlier enough to enjoy the holiday. Al and Voight were manning the office tonight and tomorrow if anything came in on their current case. As long as nothing too major went on, they were off until January second.

The bar was packed, but she managed to see a small opening and squeezed up to the bar. Tilting her head, she could see that Herman and Gabby were swamped down at the other end of the bar.

Erin groaned. "Oooh, this is going to take forever," She griped to nobody in particular.

"Yeah, they haven't made it down to this end in a while." A voice spoke next to her.

Erin spun around with a grin on her face to see who shared her impatient observation, only to be stunned into silence. "Oh, hi," she lamely said. Erin couldn't believe that Jenn, the girl that Jay had briefly been involved with was sitting next to her at the bar. Erin swallowed uncomfortably, and she darted another look down the bar to see if by some miracle one of the bartenders was headed their way as a distraction. Seeing no relief, she returned her attention to Jenn and gave her a tight smile.

"Busy crowd tonight," Jenn commented, surveying the room.

Erin gave a quick nod of agreement. The place really was packed. All the first responders in the area who weren't on duty seemed to have shown up. She wasn't exactly surprised to see Jenn, but at the same time, Erin had been blissfully lucky that they hadn't bumped into each other over the last month. She'd seen her from afar at a few crime scenes, and maybe they had crossed each other's paths a few times down by Platt's desk, but there hadn't been any direct interaction until now. Erin didn't know what kind of conversation they might need to have, but she did feel that there was maybe a bit of unfinished business regarding the situation. Last she had spoken to Jenn, Erin recalled being adamant that her and Jay were not together. Since their reunion, her and Jay hadn't exactly been discreet. Anybody who knew them would have seen them arriving and leaving the precinct arm in arm or hanging out a Molly's on other nights. After hearing about the gossip that was spread about their break up, Erin was pretty certain the news had gotten out that they were back together. Erin supposed there was a slight chance Jenn didn't know, but she was doubtful.

"Did you just get here?" Erin lightly asked, recalling how "handsy" Jay had been over the last hour. Truthfully, they'd been having such a fun time with their friends, that Erin had given very little attention to who else was here. Erin wasn't going to hide their relationship, but maybe she would be a little more tactful if she knew it was going to make someone uncomfortable.

Jenn gave a quick shake of her head, "No. My friends and I have been here an hour or so." She looked away and Erin could feel the tension between them.

Deciding not to beat around the bush, Erin let out a big sigh. "Well, you obviously know that Jay and I are back together. I'm sorry if that is hard for you, but I warned you things weren't quite resolved between us." Erin tried to speak kindly, but she didn't feel like she should have to justify herself to someone that was merely a blip of the span of their relationship.

Jenn rolled her eyes a bit, "Yeah, but you both actually told me your relationship was over, too." Erin could still see the hurt in the other girls eyes.

Erin sighed again. She really wasn't one for dealing with "girl drama." In the past, she'd just avoided situations like this all together. If some chick didn't like her, well, then they just had to deal with it. Erin did feel a little guilty about this situation though. Her and Jay had both tried to use other people to distract themselves from what was going on in their relationship. While Detective Garcia didn't seem all that broken up over her brush off, Jenn clearly had been much more optimistic about her and Jay's future. Whether he had intended it or not, the girl had clearly fallen hard for him.

She looked at the younger woman sympathetically, "Listen. Do you want to hear the whole truth? I'm not sure it will really help how you feel, but, I don't know, maybe it will."

Jenn looked doubtful and unimpressed, but then shrugged. "Okay, whatever." Erin saw that her eyes were distrustful. Erin supposed that she wouldn't really believe what "another woman" would tell her about a guy she liked either. Still, Erin felt she wanted to get things out in the open.

Erin took a deep breath. She wasn't one for sharing much about her personal life, but she did feel awkward about how things had gone down. "Okay. Well here's the truth. Last summer, Jay asked me to marry him, and I said no." Erin looked down for a moment, sadness filling her like it did every time she thought of the memory. "My brother had just died a few year months earlier, and I just wasn't in a really good head space to be thinking about the future." Erin looked back up at Jenn and wasn't surprised to see the shock on her face. "Yeah, it was pretty stupid of me. I loved him and I wanted to be with him, but I just messed everything up."

Erin saw the confusion on Jenn's face as she tried to process the idea of a rejected proposal. Erin doubted that had ever crossed her mind as the cause of their break up. Erin reached out and placed her hand on Jenn forearm. "Truth is, I broke his heart and he didn't even really understand why we broke up and why I said no. After we broke up we were both so hurt, yet still seeing each other every day. We were fighting constantly. We were both miserable. At some point, I think Jay was just trying to move on. Be happy somewhere…with someone else."

Jenn looked away for a moment, before returning her gaze to Erin, "So what changed?"

Erin shrugged, "I think I finally realized how stupid I was to push away the one person who loved me despite everything. Some other personal things were happening in my life, and Jay stepped in to help me out with that, too. Once we were around each other again, it just felt right."

Erin saw Jenn bite her lip again and look down. Erin didn't know if sharing the story had helped at all. "Maybe you didn't need to hear all this, I don't know. I just wanted to you to know that it had nothing to do with you. It was wrong of Jay and I to pull other people into our drama. You're probably a nice girl, and I don't think Jay had any intention of hurting you or blowing you off, or any of that."

Jenn snorted a bit and gave Erin a bittersweet smile. "I haven't dated much in the last year." She shrugged a bit, "Had my own relationship drama a few years ago and have been a little gun shy about guys. I just thought Jay seemed like one of the good guys. He seemed like someone real, that I could trust, someone I could count on."

Erin jumped to Jay's defense, "He is that kind of guy."

Jenn shrugged again, "I guess it just depends on what side of this situation you find yourself on." She took a deep breath, and seemed to shake off whatever was weighing on her mind. "I hope you two are able to work things out. It seems like you have a real strong connection, and that you've been there for each other."

"Thanks," Erin gave her another sad smile as Herman suddenly appeared and took their drink orders. Erin was relieved that awkward conversation was over. She knew that she didn't really owe the girl anything, but since they worked at the same precinct, she felt it was better that they had maybe cleared the air a bit.

Grabbing her drinks, Erin gave Jenn one more nod, before making her way back to the table where her colleagues and friends sat. As she approached, she immediately saw Jay lock eyes with her, and from the worried look on his face, he had observed her conversation with Jenn.

After she passed around beers and shots, Jay took a step up close to her and bent low to whisper into her ear, so the rest of the table couldn't hear. "You okay? That looked intense." He placed his arm on her back protectively, "I wasn't sure if I should go over there or not. "

Erin shrugged and looked up at him, "I just wanted to let her know, that it really had nothing to do with her. You and I just were messed up, and we shouldn't have gotten involved with other people." Trying to lighten the moon, she smirked at him a little bit, "You're such a heartbreaker."

Jay's worry briefly was erased from his face, "Shut up. I am not." He then frowned at her. "Is that what she said? That I broke her heart? I barely knew her." He said indignantly.

Erin laughed a little, "No. She didn't say that. I just think she liked you a lot. Maybe was hopeful it might become more." Erin got a wistful look on her face. "We're all just looking for that right person that makes us feel good about ourselves. I can't blame Jenn for hoping that you were that person for her."

Jay took a half step back and a humorous look crossed his features. "You're in an awfully magnanimous mood."

Erin gave him a little grin, "Must be the New Year coming. I want to start with a clean slate!" At that she grabbed her shot from the table and clinked it to his beer bottle. She quickly drained it and gave him a bright smile. "One hour to midnight!" She offered up the other shot to him.

He shook his head slightly, "No thanks. I'm staying away from the hard stuff tonight."

Erin laughed at him and teased, "Why? It's New Year's Eve. Time to celebrate! Be happy!" She brought his shot to her lips and took a small sip before holding it back out to him.

His eyes crinkled a bit as he grinned down at her, "I am celebrating. I'm spending the New Year with the woman I love. That's all I need to be happy."

Erin just looked up at him with shining eyes. She got so mushy inside whenever he said stuff like that. She never thought she be the type of girl who fell for that kind of stuff, and she never was before. Anytime a guy in her past got all lovey-dovey with the talk, she'd usually consider it a turn off. With Jay it was different. She actually knew he meant it. It didn't sound cheesy and fake because it wasn't it. She knew he meant it because she felt the same.

Suddenly Atwater burst through their bubble, "Okay, you two. None of that, yet. It's too early for all your gushy love stuff. You gotta wait until at least after midnight." He slung an arm across Jay's back. "Come on, bro. Your brother and one of those other high paid docs think they rule the dart board. Let's go lighten their wallets a bit."

Jay gave her one more of his trademark grins, one that was full of promise of what might be in store for later that night, and then made his way toward the corner dart board. Erin watched him go with what she knew was a goofy grin on her face. Honestly, she didn't even care who saw or teased her any more. She was done hiding her feelings. As the saying goes, "life's too short."

…

"But it's not even New Years in California!" Erin adamantly protested as she stumbled though the doorway of their apartment. "Or Hawaii! We've got hours of celebrating until Hawaii!"

Jay smiled indulgently at her drunken rambling as he locked the door behind them, "Yes, but we live in Chicago, and it's been New Years for hours, so I think we can call it a night on our celebrating." He dropped his keys on the entryway table and shrugged off his jacket. Even though he had been moved in only a few days, it already felt like home to him. As was his habit, he pulled off his boots and lined them up neatly by the door. He watched as Erin dropped her purse and jacket on the floor in the living room. Well, at least one of them was neat. Her place wasn't a mess, but she cleaned up when she felt like it, and didn't mind a bit of clutter everywhere. Jay's military background fought that kind of disarray, but he really didn't mind that much. He'd been around Erin long enough to know how she lived. Tonight, in her drunken state, she was a little more scattered. She was pulling off her jewelry dropping it as she walked.

It was almost 2 a.m. and they had pretty much shut down Molly's with their friends. Jay had been sipping soda for the last few hours, but Erin had liberally drunk throughout the night. She'd been so happy and joyful, that he just hadn't had to heart to tell her to slow down. His only concern had been that she's been over doing it after her conversation with Jenn. He didn't know exactly what the two had talked about, but he hoped it had been as simple as Erin had made it out to be. He was finally happy and had everything he'd ever wanted. He certainly didn't want some brief dalliance causing problems.

Around 1:30 a.m., Jay had finally cut her off and suggested they come on home. She had complied, but didn't want to end the party.

"But what about the Hawaiians?" She pleaded. "We need to celebrate with the Hawaiians! They need us, too." Her eyes were wide and serious, and she started to make her way over to the kitchen where she kept the alcohol. "They need to know we care about them."

Jay just laughed, and he gently prodded her towards the bedroom instead of the kitchen. "They will be fine without us marking their New Year." He knew she was going to be hurting in the morning. "How about you change into your pajamas, and I will get your something to drink?"

Jay saw her eyes brighten, and he knew she thought he was getting her a beer or a whiskey. He had water and an aspirin in mind though. He left her alone in the bedroom to change out of her party clothes, while he quickly gathered a cup of water and the medicine bottle. By the time he had returned, she had begun to change, her discarded dress and heels in a pile at her feet. She had somehow made it into some sweats, but was struggling to get her tank top on straight.

"Jay! My shirt is broken." She complained forlornly. Her head partially poking out one of the holes. "They forgot to add an arm hole." He could hear her sigh dejectedly from within the shirt and hair tangle.

Setting the glass of water down, Jay made his way over laughing. "That's because you are trying to get your head through the arm hole." He quickly maneuvered her head and slipped the shirt over her head.

As soon as her head peaked though the top, she narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you laughing at me?"

Jay smiled adoringly, "Of course, not." Tipsy and happy drunk Erin he thought was adorable, but he'd been around angry and depressed drunk Erin enough to know that she could get a little over emotional when she drank. He had no desire to have her good night take a sharp turn. "But I'm a little tired and ready to get some sleep. Do you think we can call it a night?"

Erin looked at him still suspicious, but her bleary eyes couldn't stay focused. Her eyes drifted to the table, "Oh, my drink." She stumbled over and took a hearty sip before pulling back and frowning at him. "That does not taste like a good drink."

"That's cause its water." He walked over to the attached bathroom and rifled through the medicine cabinet until he found the aspirin. He shook it to make it rattle. "I wanted you to drink a little and take a few of these before bed."

"I don't wanna…" she pouted, sticking her lip out.

"You are going to have a huge hangover in the morning, Er. I just don't want you sick." He held out the bottle.

She blinked her eyes a few times, and Jay could see her intoxicated brain warring with what was left of her sober mind. Finally, she nodded and reached for the bottle. Tripping over the discarded clothes and shoes that were at her feet, she lurched forward. The cup of water spilling straight onto Jay's pants and socks, soaking them thoroughly.

"Oh, no!" Erin exclaimed, she dropped to her knees, and grabbed her dress, trying to soak up the water.

Jay tried pulling her up, "Erin, it's no big deal. I was about to change anyways."

Erin's eyes were filled with dramatic concern. "I'm _so_ sorry. Let me help you. I wanna take care of you. " She pushed him back onto the bed and spun around to get him his clothes.

Jay leaned back on his elbows and watched Erin wobbily make her way over to the dresser where he had just moved all his stuff into a few days earlier. It still made him smile to think of their stuff all together in the same dresser. It was such a little thing, but it made him happy. He saw Erin open a few drawers before she found the drawer where he had stashed his pajama bottoms. Pulling out a gray pair, she tossed them over to him. They landed on the floor at his feet, so he leaned down to grab them. While he was bending down, he felt something soft bounce off his head.

Glancing up quickly, another item of clothing bounced off his nose. Another came sailing his way, but he deflected this one with his hand. Realizing Erin was haphazardly tossing socks over her shoulder, Jay spoke up, "Erin. I, uh, only need one pair of socks."

"Where is it?" Erin's voice was suddenly tense, and Jay wondered if his earlier concern about emotional Erin was off base.

"What are you looking for?" Jay asked, not really sure what was wrong. Erin had pretty much tossed the entire contents of his sock drawer onto the floor. She now had opened another drawer and was proceeding to dump all his underwear onto the floor as well.

"It's not here! It's gone." Erin just rambled. Jay could hear the panic in her voice, and he stood and walked over to her in concern, even as she began to open another drawer.

"Erin!" He tried to gently grab her wrists to prevent her from throwing any more of his clothes to the floor. "What is wrong? What are you looking for?"

She fought his hands for a moment, before giving in and dropping her hands to her side. She looked up at Jay with tears in her eyes. "Did you get rid of it? You don't want to give it to me anymore?"

His heart broke at the sadness in her eyes. He knew she was drunk, but she just wasn't making any sense! "What are you talking about, Erin? What are you looking for?"

"My ring! I wanted to see my ring!" She yelled at Jay, who stood in open-mouthed shock.

 **Author's Note: Sorry it's been awhile again. I really can't write happy Linstead. It is just so hard to do happy little scenes. I really think next chapter might be the end. I've got another story in the works, and I am excited about it. I can always tell when I lose interest in a story because then my writer's block becomes intense. When I leave Jay and Erin pining and miserable, I can't wait to write for them and can finish chapters in a few days. These happier chapters take me weeks!**


	35. Chapter 35

Erin briefly opened her eyes, only to quickly slam them shut as bright light streamed in through the gauze curtains that covered her bedroom window. She quickly rolled to her side and reached for a pillow to cover her face to hopefully block the offending light even more. Her stomach rolled at the sudden movement of her body, joining the hammer that was currently pounding on her skull.

Ugh. New Year's Eve. She definitely remembered dancing and kissing Jay at midnight. She had vague memories of going shot to shot with Kim at one point in the evening. It got a little fuzzy after that.

Erin hoped Jay was feeling at least some of the pain she was, although she recalled he had refused any celebratory shots, choosing to nurse a beer or two throughout the night. Stretching her arm out, she blindly searched for comfort from his warm body. Her arm met nothing but cool sheets. Erin burrowed deeper into her pillow, sighing in disappointment. She guessed she'd have to search out her man. Either he had crashed on the couch, or was already up making breakfast.

Lifting the pillow gingerly off her head, she could hear the faint sound of breakfast preparations. Erin gave the air a quick sniff. Bacon and coffee, she could definitely smell. Once again Erin's stomach tumbled in an unfriendly way. Erin swallowed carefully and she tasted the whiskey in her mouth. She tried to fight the wave, but within seconds, she was racing across the room to the bathroom, as her stomach tried to purge the excessive alcohol from the night before.

A few minutes later, after washing her face and brushing her teeth, she emerged from the bathroom feeling only partially alive. Deciding she wanted to find Jay, despite the desire to crawl back into bed, she made her way toward the kitchen. Stumbling a bit as her foot hit something soft. Looking down, she saw the mess that was her bedroom floor. Most of Jay's clothes were strewn across her floor. It looked like he had dumped the contents of all his drawers onto her floor.

"Hmmm…" Erin thought to herself. Maybe Jay had been a little tipsy after all. He usually was such a neat freak, especially about his clothes. Erin managed a small smile. At least she could harass him a little about that, since she knew he was going to have a ton of jokes about her hangover.

As she made her way out of the bedroom, she smiled at Jay who, as she had predicted, was bustling around the kitchen. Focusing on his tasks, he didn't notice her until she slipped into one of the bar stools across the kitchen counter. "Morning." She whispered huskily.

A wide grin broke out on his face, "Morning," he replied. He leaned across the kitchen counter and placed a quick kiss on her forehead and then placed his hand lightly on her forehead. "You look a little rough. Sure you are ready to get up?" His eyes were full of concern for her.

Erin's brow furrowed at the comment. She knew she was hungover, but hoped she didn't look that bad. "I'll be fine," she muttered and lightly brushed off his hand. She surveyed the assortment of food out on the counters. "What'd you make me?"

Reaching behind him, he grabbed a plate and placed it in front of her. "For you, just toast and bacon. If you want anything more, just ask, but I wasn't sure how you'd be feeling. I'm made some eggs and French toast for me."

Erin wrinkled her nose at the thought of eggs or sweet syrup. Slightly embarrassed, Erin decided not to mention she'd already been sick that morning. Instead she lifted a piece of the dry toast to her lips and gave a small nibble. It felt like sawdust in her mouth, but she managed to chew it and swallow. She decided to return the slice to her plate rather than try another bite. She still wasn't sure if she was going to be able to keep it down.

Glancing up she noticed Jay observing her with a slightly amused look on his face. She narrowed her eyes a bit at him, "What?" She questioned sharply.

His face turned innocent immediately, "Nothing. I was just watching you eat."

Erin rolled her eyes, although the pain of her action had her head pounding, "Okay, fine." She dropped her head in her hands, her voice was muffled, "I am hungover as hell and just puked my brains out."

"Ahhh, my poor baby." Erin heard Jay walk towards her, and he soon gathered her up against his chest. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her back softly a few times before his hands made their way to her neck where he gently massaged her shoulders and neck.

Erin moaned in appreciation at the massage. He really did know exactly what she needed. After a few minutes, he urged her off the stool and propelled her back toward the bedroom. "Why don't you get back in bed for a while? I will get you some aspirin and maybe some tea, toast or some fruit?" Erin nodded gratefully as she slipped into the cool sheets. On his way out, Jay pulled the darker curtains to cover the windows.

Erin felt her eyes relax and headache steady as she relaxed onto the bed in the now darkened room. She really had the best boyfriend ever. She might be regretting a few of the shots last night, but really it had been a fabulous evening. Spending a carefree night with friends and the man she loved was the only thing she could ask for in the new year. After what could only be described as a painful and tumultuous year, she felt like last night was the start of what the next year might hold. Her and Jay were living together, things were steady at work, she was optimistic that Daniel was going to be in a good place with Olive and Hank. Everything seemed like it was headed in the right direction.

"Okay, Er. Here you go-oops!" Erin's eyes flashed open as she watched Jay enter the room with a wooden tray. He bobbled it a bit, but managed to save it before anything rolled off. She saw him glance down at the floor and she remembered that she had seen all his socks, underwear, and t-shirts were littered all over the floor. She saw him smirk a bit at the sight before moving onto the bed with his tray. He eased sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Erin to scooch up a bit, so he could place the tray on her lap.

"Yeah, it's a mess in here." Erin allowed a small grin, "Mr. Neatfreak get a little tipsy last night and couldn't find something?" She teased.

Jay's mouth opened in surprise at her comment, "Are you serious?" He questioned.

Erin picked up the tea he had made her and took a small sip. It actually tasted great, "What do you mean?" She asked, noticing his shocked look.

"I didn't do this, Erin. You did!"

Erin raised her brow in disbelief. "Why would I trash all your stuff-"

Suddenly the memory of her searching frantically for the hidden engagement ring flooded her. The tea cup clattered to the tray as covered her face in humiliation. "Oh. My. God." She covered her face with both hands and pushed back into the pillow. "Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod." It all came back to her as she recalled searching through his drawers desperate to see if he still had the engagement ring while he had looked on in disbelief and confusion. She turned her head away as Jay tried to peel her hands off her face. She felt him lift the tray and place it on the end table, which just enabled her to roll away from him and bury her face in a pillow in embarrassment.

Erin heard Jay's deep chuckle by her ear and felt him as he moved to lay behind her, wrapping his arms around her, once again trying to pull the pillow off her face. "Come on, Erin. Stop."

Erin shook her hidden head. "No. I am so humiliated. I don't do that. I don't get emotional and sappy. I don't beg someone to marry me."

She heard the rumbling of Jay's chest against her back, and she knew he was laughing at her. She moaned again in embarrassment.

Jay pulled again at the pillow, this time succeeding and pulling it out of her grasp. He rolled her towards him, but Erin kept her eyes tightly shut. She just couldn't face him. Her memory was spotty, but she had vivid flashes of tearing apart her bedroom searching for the ring before collapsing on the floor and crying about why didn't Jay want to marry her anymore. She didn't remember much more after that, and prayed that she had passed out before embarrassing herself any further.

"Erin, stop. Stop." Jay stroked at her cheek, trying to persuade her to open her eyes as he held her in his arms. "You didn't beg me to marry you. You just were looking for the ring, you little snoop!"

Erin's eyes popped open in indignation. "I am not a snoop." She saw the humor and amusement in Jay's eyes, and wanted to push him away, but he held on tight.

"Then how did you know I used to keep the ring in my sock drawer?" He looked at her with playful suspicion. "Detective Lindsay playing detective."

"No, no." Erin insisted shaking her head. "I stumbled upon it accidently." She recalled the day she had been alone with Daniel in his old apartment and had accidentally found the ring.

Jay shook his head skeptically, "You stumbled upon a ring box buried in the back of my sock drawer?"

"I was looking for snowballs!" Erin countered, trying to defend herself.

Jay flopped onto his back laughing, "Yeah, that's what you drunkenly tried to tell me last night. 'I was looking for snowballs. It was with the snowballs.'" He mocked her voice before falling into deep laughter that shook the bed.

Erin pushed herself up so she could lean on her side and look down at him in frustration. "I _was_ looking for snowballs. Socks to make balls to throw at Daniel." She glared at him. "Remember, when we stayed here at Thanksgiving."

Jay stopped laughing and looked back up at Erin with soft eyes, "Yeah, I remember. That's the week I realized I hadn't lost you like I had thought I had." He reached up and brushed her hair off her cheek and caressed her face. His thumbing brushing against her lips. Slipping his hand around her neck, he pulled her down to him, so he could kiss her.

Erin responded for a few kisses, before breaking off the kiss and burying her head in his chest. "I'm still embarrassed."

Jay laughed again, "Don't be. It was cute." He dropped another kiss on her head, "You were cute."

Erin rolled her head to look at him from her place on his chest. "No, I was drunk."

Jay acknowledged that with a tilt of his head. "Well, at least we got it all settled." He gave her a reassuring smile before leaning back and closing his eyes in what appeared to be a relaxed state.

Erin's mind raced. They got it all settled? What was that supposed to mean? Erin searched her befuddled brain trying to recall what they had talked about after her search for the ring. Had he shown it to her? Had they talked about marriage? Had he proposed? Erin instinctively felt her ring finger for the engagement ring, but it was conspicuously absent. How had things been settled?

Erin lay on Jay's chest for several minutes, listening to the steady rise and fall of Jay's breathing. He seemed so relaxed and content. Erin on the other hand felt tense and uneasy. She rested head, but felt stiff. Her hand lay still on his chest, but it was awkward and she felt uncomfortable.

"Errrinnn." Jay softly whispered, Erin glanced up and noted Jay's eyes were still closed and his face relaxed as if he was asleep.

"Yeah," she responded quietly, wondering if he had nodded off. She felt him shift a little and rustle around a bit. "What's wrong?" She softly asked when he stopped moving.

"Hmmm, just wanted…. to know…." He trailed off a bit and she felt his chest rise and fall steadily again, and Erin though he had fallen asleep. She lay her head back on his chest her hand tracing a quiet pattern on his chest, wondering what he had wanted to know before he fell asleep. Suddenly a glint of light caught her attention as something bright dropped into her eye line. The fingers holding the sparkling object dangled it for just a few seconds before laying the diamond ring gently at the tip of her finger. Jay propped it up against her fingernail before leaving it there to trail his finger lightly down her ring finger until it traced the area where the ring would rest. Erin froze and sucked in a breath at the sight. Her heart was hammering out of her chest.

"May I?" He whispered quietly from above her.

Erin swallowed thickly, her eyes intently focused on the ring resting at the tip of her finger. She took a steadying breath before nodding. Jay still didn't make a move, his finger poised above the ring, and Erin realized that with her head on his chest, he might not have known if the nod was an affirmation or a shake of the head. She swallowed again before whispering a deep, "Yes."

Slowly, Jay's hand slid the ring over her slightly trembling finger, down past her knuckle, until it rested at its destination. Erin let out a shaky breath as she looked at her ring. It was _her_ ring. It was beautiful. Exactly as she had remembered it. Exquisite, beautiful, and exactly the ring she would have ever wanted. Not that it mattered, because what really mattered was that it came from Jay.

"You like it?" She heard Jay's deep voice from above her.

Pulling herself up, she sat up next to him on her knees, while he lay next her. She could see the uncertainty in his face, and she knew that this hadn't been easy for him no matter what they had discussed. The last time he had tried to place this ring on her finger, she had broken his heart. She glanced back at the ring before looking into his eyes. "It's beautiful. It's perfect."

Reassured slightly, Jay shifted a bit to sit, with his back propped up against the headboard. He reached for her hand, which now sparkled with the ring. He brought it his lips and brushed a brief kiss along it.

"Erin Lindsay. I have loved you since… since almost as soon as I met you. I can't imagine ever living a day without you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Even knowing the words were coming, didn't stop the tears from filling Erin's eyes and spilling over her lashes. "Yes. Yes, I will." She leaned forward and met his lips for an intense, soulful kiss that left her breathless. "I love you," she responded, even as Jay kissed her again. Their kisses continued, until Jay flipped her, pressing her down into the bed and leaning over her.

Erin's head pounded and her stomach rolled at the sudden motion. "Ugh," she let out an involuntary moan.

Jay pulled back quickly, "Well, that didn't sound very romantic." His eyes peered down at her.

Erin pressed a hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry. I just….my head." She let out a huge breath and wrinkled her brow in pain as the hammer in her head resumed its steady pounding.

Jay kissed her lips again briefly before laying back down next to her. He pulled her gently towards him, so they were cuddled up. "I can't believe you are hungover for our engagement."

Erin let out an exasperated gasp, "I can't believe you proposed to me while I am hungover!"

He chuckled, "Good point." He wrapped his arms around her tighter. His chin rested on top of her head, and he watched as Erin fiddled with the ring that now rested on her finger. "I can't believe you said yes." He quietly spoke.

Erin looked up at him with surprised, soft eyes. "Why not? You know I love you."

Jay gave her a slightly sad look, "I knew you loved me before, too." At the regretful look that crossed over Erin's face, Jay corrected, "I know it wasn't the right time before. I'm just glad it's the right time now."

Erin nodded. "Time doesn't matter anymore. We have a lifetime to be together. To be us. To be a family."

Jay looked down at her cautiously. "We do. There really is all the time in the world. If you aren't ready to actually go out there and get married right away, we can wait." He started rambling a bit. "It doesn't haven't to be soon at all. You can take your time. See how you feel. Get used to the idea. Then we can decide when you want it to happen. If you still do want to-"

"Jay!" Erin interrupted. "Stop!" He looked at her startled. Erin shook her head at him with a smile on her face. "I already said yes because I want to marry you. I can't wait to marry you. I'd marry you today if that's what you want." Jay got a huge grin on his face and started to nod but Erin cut him off. "I mean, I'd rather wait a few months. Invite some friends, but I don't need time."

Erin pulled herself so she could look deep into his eyes, "I love you and want to marry you. Period."

Jay looked at the seriousness of her face and the adamant words she had said. "Okay." He replied.

"Okay?" She repeated with a smile.

"Yes. Okay. We will do it. Soon. Sooner rather than later." He smiled and pulled her back into his arms. She moaned a little again and the movement. He laughed lightly. "And as soon as you are not hungover I am going to show you just how much I love you." He ran his hands down her back, skimming her bottom suggestively.

Erin let out a slight giggle before swatting his hands away. "Well, you could show me you love me right now by passing that tea and toast back over. "

Jay smiled and reluctantly released her to go and retrieve her breakfast. Erin watched with pleased, sleepy eyes as he brought her the breakfast and sat on the bed next to her watching as she sipped and nibbled.

Erin couldn't take her eyes off of him. She really didn't know what she had ever done to deserve this man. Someone who knew her faults and loved her despite of them. Someone who had already seen her through some of the darkest times in her life. A man who understood her commitment to her family and job.

"I love you, Jay." She blurted out with a smile.

He grinned back at her, "because I feed you when you are sick or because I buy you diamonds?"

She laughed, "Neither." Grabbing another bite with her diamond decorated hand. "Well, maybe both!"

It had been a long year. Full of sadness and difficult times, yet somehow, despite all the complications, it had passed, and now they stood at the beginning of a new year together. Erin knew that no matter what the future threw at them, they would find a way to get through it. Together. Forever.

The End.

 **Author's Note: I apologize for not finishing this ages ago. I lost all motivation when our couple fell apart on screen. I kept hoping something on the show would motivate me to move this onto a new story arc, but nothing ever did. The whole "Jay married" thing just killed this ship for me. With how the season cliff hanger ended and what I have read about Erin's doubtful future, I am pretty sure the ship has officially sunk. But still, so many of you stuck through this story and were always so kind with your reviews and comments on fanfiction and twitter. It was very inspiring and while I don't love the ending of this story that much, I still feel this was my best writing ever. I am actively looking for a new ship to write about, but haven't found the inspiration that I am looking for yet. Thank you again for all the support, and enjoy!**


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